There it was again, that feeling inside, the immense guilt and even self hate. Another essay of hers had been given a D, and she'd promised her Dad that she'd up her grades to a C+, at least. She knew she was spending way too long with the Bellas, and Jesse, compared to the amount of thought and effort that went into her actual school work. Her dad had said maybe she should pass the Bella leadership onto another person to help her manage her time. But no way was she going to do that. She'd been sitting there with her headphones on listening to music for the last half hour, trying desperately to stop hating herself and give herself a break. It wasn't working. She knew she shouldn't, at all, in no way should she do it. But that familiar thing happened when your brain says one thing and your hands and body do the complete opposite. Her hands scrabbled inside a box and pulled out a small, plastic razor.
Half an hour later she heard knocking on her door.
"Hey Beca," a timid voice called out, "We're having pizza and Jesse wanted to know if you wanted it as well?" She pulled her sleeves down and opened the door, grinning up at Benji.
"Sure, let's go." she answered and spent the ten minutes walking down to the Treble house listening to Benji talk about some Star Wars conspiracy theory. She was actually relieved when they reached the house and went inside. To her surprise, all the Bellas were there too.
"Oh this is like a thing. Like a group gathering. Ah." she said. Still, there was pizza.
"Hey," Jesse grinned at her, "That wasn't too bad now was it?" She raised her eyebrows. People had started drinking and she was sure that Donald's arm was going to be in a cast for quite a while after what happened. She kissed him and he pulled her towards the music room and shut the door. As he started edging her top over her head she remembered the...cuts, and pulled away. If he saw them she wasn't sure what had happened. No-one knew she did that.
"Mmm, no. Sorry, just really tired. Another day." she lied, and he just smiled at her and joked that there would be no movie then. She pretended to laugh, but her good mood had been destroyed.