CHAPTER 1: SHUT THE FUCK UP, HEDWIG

Harry scuffed his feet against the carpet, looking through an arched doorway to make eye contact with Uncle Vernon. He knew it'd probably cause him more grief than good, usually with his head against a wall, but it was a risk he was willing to take. Seeing the mad bull in the kitchen, icing across his upper lip, he jet through the door beneath the staircase and entered the small room which he begrudgingly called his bedroom.

He locked the door behind him for good measure, and looked at his surroundings. There was a beanbag chair and coffee table, to the left, pushed against a wall, was a mini fridge stocked full of hot pockets and a microwave next to it. To his right was his brass bed. The tacky wallpaper was decorated with framed pictures of a dead Dudley and the one picture that Draco sketched for him, it was something he enjoyed laughing at.

Harry went towards his bed, pulling his trunk out from beneath it while listening to Hedwig screech in background.

"Shut up...HEDWIG!"

He fished through his few and far between clothing items and pulled out a silky red shirt for the love of Gryffindor, and some dark blue straight leg jeans with a single rip on one knee. It was the day before they had to return to Hogwarts and Hermione and Ron agreed to meet him at a wizard club, which was way more awesome than muggle clubs.

They were badass because they had wizard weed which was laced with unicorn tears and the blood of deatheaters. It was considered to be the pot of champions. Hermione enjoyed calling the Cannabis Hellatious because that was it's scientific name.

He slowly stripped naked in front of Hedwig who made soft chirping noises. Harry felt awkward about the entire thing but with a house full of fat Nazi's and one skinny crack whore, where else could he possibly change? Answer that for him.

Dressed and ready to go, Harry re-opened the door assuming Uncle Vernon would've become distracted by his bakery items again, but was proven wrong. There in front of him, with beady eyes the size of marbles, was the fat fuck himself in a polo ten times too small and the collar popped up, ironed by Aunt Petunia herself who said it was slimming. Which in all honesty, Harry did think it concealed a good deal of his fat rolls on his neck, however, he still looked like he rode with Doc Brown and Marty McFly from the eighties to present day.

In short, looking exceptionally dumb and outdated and ridiculous.

Harry eyed the collar, with one single chocolate stain on the pointed tip like it had been up someone's ass, and then pursued eye contact with a strained smile.

"Yes, Uncle Vernon?"

"You were scuffing your feet on my carpet, Boy."

"I need a doormat."

"You getting smart with me? It's that new school you're at! That's it! You're not returning their this year."

"You say that every year. Never has stopped me once."

Uncle Vernon raised his fist in rage, took his other hand and grabbed his hair. He smashed his skull against the doorway, using the other hand to club him in the ear.

There was a piglet-like squeal in the background and Harry opened his eyes in between beatings to see Dudley watching with amazement.

"Give him an uppercut! To the left!" Dudley jumped up and down, causing large vibrations.

Harry had a theory that Dudley was the cause of Pangaea separating into the continents.

"I'll give you a pigtail! I swear it!" Harry yelled helplessly, blood beginning to seep out of his ear.

Harry escaped Vernon's grasp, Vernon's fist then landing against the doorway. He let out a howl and brief curse, "Fook!"

Petunia looked over the railing to get an aerial view, "Your blood pressure, Vernon!"

"Blasted woman..." Vernon whispered, "Can't you see I'm dealing with THE BOY."

"I see it. I see it everyday."

That attitude, Harry thought, what a bitch.

Dudley watched with piggish eyes which were placed on a piggish face with generally piggish features.

"I'm going clubbing and you can't stop me!" Harry yelled, "I'll send for my things!"

"Like hell you are!" Vernon screamed, barreling after him like a bullet out of a gun, except in slow-mo.

Harry snorted and opened the front door, sliding out and running down the street, soon enough, that double decker bus that no muggle seems to see, came whipping down the corner.

"Oi, 'der Boy! Need a lift?"

"No, I'll run my ass Hogsmeade. You think? You think I need a ride?"

"Half the attitude, or you will walk your ass, waste of pureblood lineage."

"Alright, calm down." Harry murmured, stepping up to the bus.

The man placed his arm across the door and gave him an even-leveled stare. He looked down his silky shirt and raised one eyebrow, slowly unbuttoning the top button of Harry's shirt.

Harry was surprised, and felt chill bumps across his arms.

After the first button was unbuttoned, the man gave a large smile placing his hands back into his pockets, "There you are! Nice and fresh looking for the club."

"How'd you know about-"

"I hear everything. The Electric Cauldron is having their biggest party of the summer tonight, you'd have to be crazy not to go."

"Are you going?"

"When you get older, you gotta work, Kid. Life is for shit. Sometimes..." He trailed off, "Nevermind."

Harry looked at him like 'what the fuck' and got into the bus, "Alright."

He took a seat on one of the beds because apparently there's no seats. Just beds. Harry had theories about why, but decided to ever speak these aloud. He took an apprehensive seat on some stiff crusted sheets that smelled like old hooker and put his hands in his lap meekly.

"Are you ready?" Said the shrunken head from the rearview mirror.

"Uh-..."

The bus was in hot pursuit of clubbing and young rebellious freedom, and soon got to the Electric Cauldron, parallel parking right outside next to a group of more Hogwarts students.

Cho Chang was standing in the middle of one group, with a short black dress and stiletto heels.

Harry imagined all that gone and shook his head, remembering good things like the wizard bible and looked around nervously. Hopefully no one would do that freaky spell where they sucked memories out, 'cause then them pedophiles would be seeing a naked Cho Chang.

Ron and Hermione were standing beneath a streetlight, looking at someone else across the way.

Harry exited the bus with some chuckles coming from fellow students at his ride. Harry felt dumb and kicked his foot against the sidewalk with hands in pockets, "Well...I live in the muggle world. So...how else am I supposed to get here...?"

"Maybe you shouldn't of come at all?" Said Goyle then looked around kinda scared.

Harry looked around too but only darkness.

Other Slytheri laughed in harmony like a choir.

Harry walked away with his head up high, with the thoughts, at least I'm a Gryffindor.

Ron and Hermione began to wave their arms enthusiastically to get his attention.

"I see you!" Harry yelled with a large smile, waving back.

Ron was wearing a hand-me-down leather jacket with spikes, a brief memory of Uncle Vernon's popped collar flashed through his mind like the painful scar on his forehead but then pushed that thought back down to the hell where it came from.

He understood Ron's position.

He had distressed jeans on, which were in fashion, so he was in luck.

Hermione had an outfit on that reminded Harry of the naughty schoolteachers in Playboy, he then again flashed back to the wizard bible before imagining it burning. Hermione and Cho Chang were so much better.

With these thoughts in mind, he was ready for Cannabis Hellacious.

"So are the only jerks here, Slytheri?"

Ron looked up with an ashamed face, "No...there's cute girls. None of them will be interested with this on, you look great, Harry. This smells like my dad."

Hermione scrunched her face up like a crumpled paper, "It's not about the outfit, Ron, it's about your attitude! Be positive."

"No."

Harry, attempting to be somewhat optimistic shrugged his shoulders with a smile, "Let's get some...uh...you know. That should do the trick, Ron."

"...No."

Hermione rolled her eyes and pulled on his arm to bring him towards the Electric Cauldron's entrance, flashing lights surrounded them. Even in strobe lights, Ron looked like a frumpy old man with his sullen face and crossed arms.

The mini bar had a lot of noise radiating from it and Harry watched with mild interest at the going-ons before deciding ultimately, he wasn't mildy interested he was very interested in what was going on considering everyone was over there.

He made his way towards the crowd, attempting to get the best view possible.

At the bar, attempting to push himself up higher because he was barely tall enough to reach his shots, was Draco Malfoy, slamming them back. Hardcore wizard drinks. His sleazy look was created by a half-tucked in white button-up and dress pants that Harry bet his daddy bought.

Pansy slowly mounted a bar stool beside him and clambered onto the bar, attempting to thrust shake herself to garner any attention possible. In muggle-talk, twerking.

"Oh my God, Draco you so crunk. Haha...I mean...drunk. Whatever. He's been here since...like...I don't even know. Before it opened. Like...five."

"Pan-...Pansyhh...Go...away."

Harry raised an eyebrow but shrugged and turned away, hopefully Draco would make a fool of himself so he could draw something and send it to him.

He returned to meet up with Hermione and Ron.

"Did you see anything interesting over there?" Hermione asked, arms folded, "You left me with sour-puss over here."

"Yeah, sorry, Draco's fucked up. Was way too hilarious."

Hermione smiled just a little and then frowned, "That doesn't change the fact that Ron won't move."

Harry looked down at Ron who was sitting on a seat that lit up like a strobe, flashing different colors every half second. Harry blinked and debated breakin' out the Tylenol.

Nah.

Ron had his arms folded in aggravation, "I could get drunk if I had the proper attire..."

"No, you couldn't. Your mom would be mad, Ron."

Harry scanned the crowd, looking for a reason for Ron to lighten up, the night would be ruined if he couldn't find something to cheer his best friend up. In the corner, something caught his eye. Neville Longbottom was standing with someone else, hands in pockets, fishing something out. Harry squinted to get a better idea of what it could be.

"Ron, you wanna see what Neville's up to?"

"Neville's here?"

"Yes."

"...No."

"Oh, come off it!" Harry yelled, wrapped his hand around his arm and pulled him off that godforsaken seat towards Neville in the opposite corner, they rushed through the sparse crowd since most were yelling 'shots, shots, shots' near Malfoy, and made it towards Neville.

They eyed the man at close range, he had a shady appearance about him.

Neville stuttered nervously once he saw who was now in his company, "Oh...hi, Harry."

"What're you doing?" Harry asked, looking down at the exchange about to take place.

"Uhh..." Neville cleared his throat and gave a smile, "Pot?"

"Neville! No!" Harry shook his head.

"I just..I thought you'd..."

"Neville, you want to be cool. But this isn't the way."

"Well, I-"

"Pay the man and then never do this again."

"You're right, Harry."

Neville offered the money to which the man snatched it out of his hand and forcibly pushed the small pouch of cannabis hellacious into his hand before leaving out the backdoor.

Neville looked down at it like he just didn't know what to do now, Harry snatched it from him.

"You're too good for this, Neville. Go home."

Harry turned around and smiled with Ron who seemed to be slightly better now that he had drugs, tangible and real to him.

Ron dug his hands deep into the bag, feeling the genuine leather of the pouch and the genuine high of the contents inside.

Just then, they watched in utter dismay as Draco Malfoy came waltzing over from the bar, stumbling slightly, with one last shot in his hand.

"...Well if isn't...isn't Potter. With drugs? How cute."

He proceeded to dump his entire shot all over the expensive ass bag of pot.

"FUCKIN MALFOY." Ron yelled, "God damn it...no."

Little did the trio know, this was just a bad premonition of how the rest of the year would be. Ron depressed. Hermione left out. And Harry's winning streak only surving by a small margin.

A/N: Reviews are well-appreciated!

What will happen next? Will the trio get some bad addictions? Will they sneak pot into school? Will Neville get his revenge? Does he even know he's been wronged? The plot thickens next chapter.