I had my iPod on shuffle and this song came up. Naturally now my brain distorts everything to somehow relate to anything Downton-y. So I wrote this little fic, thought it worked well with Anna's distress over Bates' leaving in episode 1 and 2 in season 2. Though to be honest, I won't believe that a whole year passed and Anna just sat by and did nothing to find him.
Kelly Clarkson – Cry
If anyone asks,
I'll tell them we both just moved on.
When people stare,
I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk.
Whenever I see you,
I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue.
Pretend I'm okay with it all,
Act like there's nothing wrong.
Why did I do it? Why did I torment myself further and watch him leave with her? As if it wasn't heart breaking enough, but then to see her little satisfied grin plastered across her face was just gut wrenching.
We were going to be so happy, him and I. All the plans we had made in early engagement bliss now torn to shreds, barely had time to properly begin. I had never felt so happy and now I can't bear this anguish.
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
He had said he had an obligation towards her, that they were going to try living together as man and wife again. But I knew different. He was hiding something; he was always keeping something from me. Why couldn't he just open up and share everything with me? We could work through it together to get rid of that woman.
The pain didn't subside. Each day is a constant struggle. Walking into the servants' hall, noting the empty space where he used to sit. Everywhere something reminded me of him. Sitting alone in the courtyard, crying softly to myself, wondering where he was now.
The days merged into one another, weeks passed in a blur. His memory nor my love never wavered. I told Lady Mary that I would never love again, and I truly believe I wouldn't.
If anyone asks,
I'll tell them we just grew apart.
What do I care,
If they believe me or not?
Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart,
I'll pretend that I'm okay with it all,
Act like there's nothing wrong.
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
I was terribly flattered (and a little annoyed) at the attention of Mr Molesley. He was being so kind, but he just wasn't him. Even after a year the pain was still so fresh. When will this end? Will it ever end?
I knew I had changed. Others had said when they thought I wasn't listening that I looking years older. I feel forever tired but no amount of sleep will help. I know the only cure, and I know now I'll never have it.
I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
Why won't this just all go away?
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
Cry
Come back to me, John. Please, just come back to me.
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