I waited for the punch to land right on my cheek.
I waited for immense pain. I waited for my nose to snap in half, my jaw to come unhinged, my teeth to fall out. I waited for the sweet delicious pain that only he could make give me the pleasure I wanted. The sound of the cars driving by on the street and the slight, wet patter of the rain hitting the pavement filled my ears to accompany the otherwise dead silence. My eyes were shut tight in false anticipation. When really, I was just relieved it was only a punch.
But I opened my eyes when there was nothing landing hard on my face. No pain blooming in my jaw. Just dead silence and some heavy breathing coming from the brute in front of me. I was staring down Shizu-chan's arm, his knuckles just barely coming in contact with the tip of my nose.
"You can't hurt me," I said with a slight smirk. "It's obvious, right?"
His breathing almost came to a stop, and his muscles stiffened just a little bit more. He bit his lip and I almost chuckled out loud. It hurt him to think about what he could've done to me. But he loved it. He loved hurting me.
He also loved fucking me, but he'd never admit to that either.
"You can't end our game, Shizu-chan," my arms came up around his back and laced themselves around his neck. His arm lowered and he surrendered to me completely. His eyes betrayed him so very badly. The fear was so dominant even a small child could recognize it.
And I was no small child.
"Our game can't end. Our game will never end, Shizu-chan." I placed a light kiss on the tip of his nose, and finally I could see his true colors. For it was not anger in those eyes, or even fear anymore. It was sorrow. Tears spilled over his eyelids and he placed his hands at my hips, pulling me closer.
"Our relationship, who we are, is just a game." I kissed him with as much force as he would've punched me. "We are fake. We are nothing. Empty."
But he kissed back, and I could taste the tears on my lips. Because he knew we could never, and would never be anything more than our game. Our game was fake even though it was part of reality, but I loved it. Could I say he loved it as well? I wouldn't know, because all I knew of him was that he loved to fuck me and he also hated my guts. Calling us a couple was an extreme lie. Calling us lovers was even more of a lie. Calling us fuck buddies wasn't even accurate. We had no positive emotions held towards one another, all we wanted was an escape.
We were codependent on one another. He was my drug, a fix I needed often to get through the day. Sometimes I wondered why he hadn't killed himself yet, and some little part of me said it was because he looked forward to our meetings.
That was a lie.
My legs hooked around his waist and he pushed me up against the brick wall of the alley. If he just hurried up and got inside me I would be able to forget where I was and whom he was. It was easier for me to forget I was fucking my enemy when we were actually fucking.
"I want our game to end," he breathed into my mouth. "If I end it I won't need you anymore. Then I can kill you without feeling guilty."
"Why would you ever feel guilty, Shizu-chan? You are a monster; a beast that I despise and wish was dead. You think the same of me. Then why should we ever feel guilty for one another?"
He grabbed a chunk of my hair and pulled my head back away from his. "Because if I keep fucking you I just keep digging myself into a deeper hole. A hole I cannot escape from. I do not love you, Izaya. And I never will."
I smirked and chuckled. "My mistake, Shizuo."
He realized his mistake only seconds later, but seconds later I already had my tongue down his throat. There was nothing more to be said, because we both understood our circumstances. I was just wishing and hoping he wouldn't nearly choke me to death this time, because the bruise around my neck was a tough one to try and explain to Namie afterward.
The rest afterward was just a fuzzy blur, and before I knew it my belt buckle was being undone and Shizu-chan was fucking me into oblivion. Our cries were nothing close to intimate. They were closer to animalistic if you ask me. Screams and guttural moans escaping both of our lips, and I didn't regret one of them.
A knife appeared at one point, and Shizu-chan nearly got his throat sliced in two. "Don't back out now," I whispered into his shoulder. "You've been fucking me for nearly a year now, I don't need that guilt in your veins." Maybe I wanted him to bleed. If he bled I wouldn't feel so horrible for manipulating his feelings. If it were physical abuse it would be easier to fix and heal.
Maybe the whole reason I play this game is because I wish it were real.
But it's only a game, and one person has to end it eventually, right?
The knife's blade slid across his throat, and I could feel him choking on the realization. I had to end it. He was fun to toy with, but after a while I got bored. He was one of the more boring ones after all.
We fell onto the pavement, myself still straddling his hips. I zipped myself up and slid my blade back into my coat pocket. He was smart when he wished to be, but the sad part about it was that he never realized the truth at the right moment. He was always a second too late.
"What're you gonna do about it? Are you going to kill me? I've already ended the game, Shizu-chan. Your pawns have all been wiped out."
"All except one."
The knife was soon taken from my pocket without warning, and in a matter of seconds it was pressed to my collarbone. A line of scarlet fell down the seam of my shirt, and for some reason I wished I'd quit fucking him a long time ago. Because really, he was right. I just kept digging myself into a deeper hole every time he screwed me senseless, and I can't live with that guilt.
I felt the blade run across my own throat, cutting deep and painful.
What was I to him?
I would never know.
This is left to be interpreted. It's a bit metaphorical, in a sense. I don't want crit, or flames. This is very abstract and maybe even a bit OOC. *shrug* Oh well. I hope you like, and i'd love a review or two if you actually like this.