Red Scare
[Scene: A seedy part of Alexandria, in front of an especially seedy hotel. Garnet has slimmed down for summer and is dressed to kill in a low-cut red gown with black garter stockings and red pumps. Her long brown hair falls seductively over her face. Beatrix stands beside her, dressed similarly in white and red. The eyepatch is gone, and in its place a glass eye.]
Garnet: Hey, sailor. Wanna sail my seas?
Beatrix, sullen: Or mine.
Passing man: Yowza! I didn't know there was such high-class...er, ladies around here. You come here often, princess?
Garnet: Only when guys like you come to town. So, you wanna - *eyes flash red* - do it??
Guy [pupils dilated]: Do I!
Garnet: Show him, Trix.
Guy [staring at Beatrix's breasts]: Show me!
[Beatrix, still angry, leads the guy towards the sleazy hotel. She sidesteps a large pit which he falls right into. Garnet joins Beatrix at the edge of the pit, which now contains a large number of men.]
Garnet: KYA HA HA! Everything is going according to plan!
Beatrix: ... (I still don't see why I can't have my sword.)
[Steiner rushes out of an alleyway, covered in fruit and vegetable debris.]
Steiner: Whew, I think I lost them. [looks around] Princess! I've found you at last! ...And...Beatrix. [Steiner's eyes grow to the size of pie plates] My, you look lovely today. [stares at her breasts]
Beatrix: Shut up.
Steiner: Princess, you must return to the castle at once. The Duke of Treno is due in 0100 hours.
Garnet: I've already seen him. [Gestures to the pit.]
[Steiner walks carefully over to the pit and peers in.]
Zidane [from the pit]: Hey, Rusty! How's about getting your old pal out of here?
Steiner: I see no old friends down there, just lowlife scum such as yourself. I have no time for these games; the princess must return to the castle at once!
Zidane: Hey, it wasn't my fault! Dagger tricked me and all these other guys into falling into this hole. She must want something. [squints at Steiner] Hey, how come you didn't fall for it? You aren't...like that...are you?
Steiner: W-what! You impudent brat! It so happens that the princess is half my age! To think of her as a sexual being, with womanly curves and nubile flesh...waiting for a man of experience to write a sexual history on every luscious inch...that would be the end of my job, fool!
Beatrix: [shoves Steiner into the pit] Creep.
Regent Cid: Welcome home, son.
Steiner: You should be ashamed of yourself!
Regent Cid: Pot, kettle, black.
Garnet [eyes blaze red]: I've captured the leaders of Lindblum and Treno! Now all I need is that foolish Puck, and the world is MINE! [thunderclap] (I don't know why I didn't think of this before.)
Steiner: (Oh, princess....) Isn't there anything we can do?
Garnet: Well, you can sell your soul to me, and I'll let you out. Then I'll sell your soul back to Kuja for a price. *chortle* Either way, I win!
Steiner: You mean...I could end up in the body of someone like...him? [looks sideways at Zidane]
Garnet: Probably.
Steiner: I'll pass.
Garnet: Suit yourself! KYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Zidane: I've heard that laugh before.... But where?!
[A rift in space/time appears, and Barrett, Tifa, Cid and Shera pop out.]
Cid Highwind [peering into pit]: So that's the new guy, huh? $#@! Hey, chum. I should be kicking your ass for being a punk skirt-chaser, but instead I'm gonna give you a present.
Cid Fabool: What on earth?
Cid Highwind: Get in there, sister. [Cid pushes Shera into the pit. She falls into Cid's arms]
Cid Fabool: Hello, nurse!
Tifa [ignoring the Cids]: That's enough, Garnet...or should I say, SCARLET?
Garnet: Oho! So you've found me out! But too late....no one will be able to stop my evil scheme!
Barrett: What is it this time, Shinra foo'? World domination? Man, you chumps be gettin' old, like a broken record.
Garnet/Scarlet: Yes! That's right! I will be the one true lord and master of this orb, and Rufus will have to love me! [thunderclap] KYA HA HA!
Tifa: Newsflash: Rufus is charcoal.
Garnet/Scarlet: Not for long. My friend Kuja is cooking up a body for him as we speak!
Voice: Talking about me again?
[Rufus emerges from the seedy hotel, dressed in Kuja's usual getup, complete with bikini-cut underoos. Kuja follows.]
Kuja: Isn't he lovely?
Garnet/Scarlet: Delicious!
Rufus: I have something to tell you, Scarlet. This whole world domination thing...I really appreciate the gesture, but I can't love you.
Garnet/Scarlet: WHAT?!
Rufus: I've found...someone else.... [Rufus and Kuja lock eyes and walk back into the seedy hotel]
Garnet/Scarlet: ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! [Pulling out a dagger, she kills herself.]
Barrett: $#!@ That was easy. Let's be gettin' up out this beeotch.
Cid: Hell yeah.
[Cid, Tifa, and Barrett exit in a flash of light]
Steiner: Princess? PRINCESS!!!! [to himself] Oh, great. Now how are we going to get out?
Beatrix: I might be able to forgive you for making those remarks about the princess, and for staring at my cleavage. Perhaps if you asked very nicely, Adelbert....
Steiner: Oh, Beatrix! Light of life! Could you find it in your heart to--
Beatrix: No.
[Exit Beatrix]
Baku: *sneezes* *farts* Ah, a twofer!
Zidane: I can do better than that! *farts louder*
Cid: Are you whippersnappers kidding? I got a fart can blow your pants right off!
Steiner: This is going to be one long punishment....
Author's Notes: These little skits were all inspired by a GameFAQs message board thread called "Garnet + Power=Badbadbad" which was created by Nightfire. The shorter shorts are being collected here at FanFiction.net by Nightfire and Angel727 under the title "Short &long stories bout a queen with a short fuse," but mine are so long I thought they should be posted separately. This is the kind of story that can be ruined with too much editing, so I did almost none. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I'll leave up to you. O_o
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy IX and its characters belong to Squaresoft.