this is the sequal to huh? as well as huh? this story (what the heck?) was written by my friend kelsey!
Harry Potter and friends were on the Hogwarts Express for their seventh and final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting in their favorite compartment. It was a pink compartment. It had little white bunnies on the walls along with little red sparkly hearts. Harry and Ron thought the compartment was "just super." Well… uh… anyway …
Hermione was sitting on the right side of the compartment drinking Dasani water. Also, she was surrounded by about fifty empty water bottles.
"Yo, Herms!" said Ron. "What's with all the water?"
"What's wrong with drinking water! I just like it, okay? Don't judge me!" said Hermione.
"Girl, that's whack!" said Harry.
Hermione began chugging the water again. While drinking, though, Hermione forgot to compe up for air and she accidentally drown herself. She died.
"Looks like I'm single again!" Ron exclaimed while doing a little happy dance.
Harry cried. He would miss Hermione. He had loved her. Not just as friends, but as lovers. Yes, that's right. Harry and Hermione were loves. Harry/Hermione shippers, you can rejoice now. You weren't delusional. So Harry sobbed for 10 minutes. Then he got over it. He left the compartment to go find Ginny. He found her. They snogged for fifteen minutes. They would have snogged longer but Ginny really had to pee.
So Harry went back to his sparkly heart, fluffy bunny compartment where he found Ron playing with a bunch of Ty beanie babies.
"Hey! Don't touch! Those are mine!" yelled Harry. "That one is worth 5 thousand US dollars!" He seized the toys from Ron.
Ron asked, "What's with the beanie baby obsession?"
Harry replied, "I thought it was a tad unhealthy to obsess over finding Horcruxes and defeating Voldemort. So, I took all my parents' money and all of Sirius' money and invested it into beanie babies. Smart idea, eh?"
Ron could only shake his head in disbelief. Why was he cursed with such idiot friends? One drowns herself in Dasani water and the other collects beanie babies instead of defeating the darkest wizard off all time.
Suddenly, they arrived at Hogwarts. When Ron and Harry got to the castle, they told Professor Mcgonagall about Hermione's untimely passing. She didn't seem to care because there was a war going on and a lot of kids had died. Mcgonagall said, "I don't care about some stupid Mudblood! Besides, the idiot failed Divination last year!"
"But Herms didn't have Divination last year!" exclaimed Hermione's lover Harry.
"So what? Shut your face!" Mcgonagall said and the she slapped Harry.
This greatly angered Harry so he pointed his wand at Mcgonagall and yelled, "Splindiforous!"
All of a sudden, standing in McGonagall's place was a 16-year-old girl. "What the heck did you do to me?"
"Wow," said Ron. "You're kind of hot!"
Mcgonagall hated being a teenager. She had so many bad memories. She cried and ran away.
Harry and Ron walked into the Great Hall, sat at the Gryffindor table, listened to the stupid long sorting hat song, yadda yadda yadda …
After the song, Gilderoy Lockhart stood up at the Head table.
"Hello, all you beautiful people! After the pathetic death of Albus Dumbledore… I mean, really pathetic. I would have died better. In fact I've almost died. It was in a battle with a ferocious gaggle of vampires. There were about 500 of them and" Lockhart looked around and saw the students and staff falling asleep at his fake story.
"Anyway, I am your new headmaster!" he paused, waiting for applause. When it didn't come, he continued, "Professor Snape is no longer a teacher here at Hogwarts. Meet your new potions master, Mr. Snuggles!" He pointed at a fluffy teddy bear sitting at the Head table. "And meet your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Sheriff Woody!" Also sitting at the Head table was a Sheriff Woody doll from the Disney movie Toy Story. Lockhart picked up the toy and pulled the string and Woody said, "There's a snake in my boot!"
Upon hearing this, Harry ran to the cowboy doll and started to speak in Parseltongue , in hopes that the snake would leave the boot. Then, Harry realized that Woody was just a toy and it was programmed to say things about snakes in boots.
Harry walked back to his table feeling humiliated. When he got there, Ron was there and he was snogging some girl who had brown hair. Ron released himself from the major lip lock. "Hiya, Harry! This is… er… what's your name again?
"It's Elizabeth," she said.
"Oh, right. Elizabeth. See Harry, Elizabeth was just trying to recruit me for the Hogwarts Inter-house All-star Marching Band," said Ron.
Harry replied, "I didn't know that Hogwarts had a Hogwarts Inter-house All-star Marching Band."
"Of course it does," said Elizabeth. "We perform at every Quidditch game. You are just too much of a stupid jock to recognize our existence. Please, Ronald, won't you join band?"
"Well," he said. "I can't play saxophone like you, or any instrument for that matter. Perhaps, I shall just join the color guard."
"That's great! I'll see you at band practice, Ronald." Elizabeth gave him a final goodbye kiss and she went back to her spot at the Ravenclaw table.
Professor Flitwick stood up. "Headmaster Lockhart, since a lot of students have either died or are not here because they fear that they are going to die, the staff has decided that Hogwarts is just too big. We would like to make a proposal. Introducing the new, smaller Hogwarts School of Witchraft and Wizardry!" Flitwick placed a model of the new school in front of Lockhart. For some reason, this made Lockhart very angry. He picked up the model and chucked it across the Hall.
"What is this!" Lockhart yelled. "A school for ants! How are we supposed to teach children magic if they can't even fit inside the building? I demand that the school be at least … three times bigger than this!"
"I have a super duper idea!" said Mr. Snuggles, the new potions master. The teddy bear took out his wand and yelled "Booga! Booga! Booga!" The entire Great Hall became engulfed in purple smoke.
When the smoke cleared, everyone found themselves in the cafeteria in an American high school. "I've transported us all to a West Virginia high school! It's small enough to hold all the Hogwarts classes! Hip Hip Hooray!" said Mr. Snuggles.
"This is amazing! I didn't know teddy bears could do magic!" said Lockhart. "But something just doesn't feel right… I feel like… I need something more… more excitement in my life, maybe… I know!"
Lockhart waved his wand a little and suddenly he had long blonde hair and wore a short pink dress, and had some other womanly features.
"Oh mon dieu!" shouted Ron's new lover Elizabeth. "Lockhart's a woman!" The students burst into serious fits of giggles.
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop laughing at my feminine beauty!" Lockhart started crying and he ran away. But on the way out of the cafeteria, Lockhart tripped because he wasn't used to wearing three-inch high-heel shoes. More laughter arose. Lockhart literally died of embarrassment. Harry kicked Lockhart's lifeless body out of the lunchroom.
Just when everyone thought things had calmed down, Voldemort and his league of Death Eaters stormed in.
"Mwahahaha! I'm so evil! Tee-hee! I mean, Mwahahahaha! Death Eaters, there he is! Get him!" demanded Voldy.
The Death Eaters all pointed their wands at Harry Potter and yelled "Avada Kedavra!" Harry died.
Voldy ran to Harry and stole all the beanie babies that Harry had stuffed in his pants to keep from Ron. "I'm rich! I'm rich!" Voldemort yelled maniacally as he held the beanie babies far above his head and skipped like a little girl around the room. Voldemort, realizing he looked a little bit gay, stopped and dissapparated.
"Well, this sucks," Ron complained. But then Elizabeth came over hugged Ron. They started snogging and Ron forgot all about his dead friends.
And Ron and Elizabeth lived happily ever after.