Note: Spoilers for Suikoden I. The hero's name is Riou.
Numb
I know they're horrified. They almost believed that you were superhuman, that you were able to withstand any challenge and still sparkle with your hopeful, youthful smile. Your eyes, dark brown and large, maintained a childish innocence, reminding people of what they were fighting for. When times were rough, you managed to pull off the impossible. You were the impersonation of the future, of a bright future where peace would reign and lives would be happy and prosperous. They wanted that future and you would bring it to them.
Then she died. They never gave her enough credit for her encouragement, her support, and her smiles. You were the leader in name only; she was the driving force. Everywhere you went, she managed to tag along. She was naturally a protector, and protecting you was her last gift. Bravely she dodged every arrow except for the last. She died with a smile on her face, knowing that her death would not be wasted.
However, you could not live with that ending. In the spur of the moment, you joined arms with your enemy and former friend Jowy and fought with your sister's murderer. With your combined powers, Lord Gorudo stood no chance. Revenge was only sweet for a moment, and then despair hit. I remember saying a few words to you either before or after her death, but I cannot remember them. All I know is that I could not adequately console you. I don't think anyone could.
What is it like to be the leader of this army, after the death of your sister? When you have no one to rely on, no desire to move on, how can you still lead people? I know the answers because I lived that life. I could not save my trusted servant Gremio from Milich's spores. He sacrificed himself for me and encouraged me on as those spores ate away at his flesh. He had no complaints, no anger at me for getting involved in that war. I lost the one who knew me better than anyone, the one who had cared for me, supported me, encouraged me… And without him I was lost.
You probably feel the same way. Your heart has a gaping hole and you always feel lonely. You are depressed and can't seem to smile anymore. Little joys like a day off from missions or even a war victory no longer brighten your day. I can't say that this will get better, but soon you'll find that it hurts less and less. Trust me, I know.
Maybe you'll move on. But if you are like me, you won't. Even after working yourself to exhaustion, she'll show up in your dreams, haunting you. Nightmares will never end, even if you stay awake. There are never enough things to take you mind off of that one moment, that one decision that you regret. The people will push you to the maximum, demand that you are stronger and braver than ever before, even knowing that you are only a child. You will go along with them, drowning yourself in your work. Then those nightmares will start to disappear. How, you ask me.
Because you will become numb. Just like me. A stone barrier will surround your heart, and you will not love anyone, not even yourself. You will see blood and not even vomit anymore, like I know you still do. You will fight, even if you are barely alive, riding on everyone else's expectations. You will not serve yourself but others. They will use you well.
If you are like me, you will become their president. You will be their puppet, to stir up patriotic feelings, to hold this fragile nation together. But I truly hope you don't turn out like me. Numb as I am, I see myself living a meaningless existence. Hundreds of years with this True Rune that stole everything I loved. I hope you are stronger than that. I hope you find a happy ending.
Fate can be cruel. She has unfairly chosen us to be her warriors, her instruments of pleasure. Fight her, Riou. Be stronger than me, and you will be rewarded. And one day you will be able to forgive her.