I was lost and I was ill-prepared/To feel the hopeless of you not there
Said Too Much by needtobreathe
Bittersweet did not amply describe their last moments together. As Angel thought back on it he could only come up with heartbreaking, unjust and paralyzing to suffice. Heartbroken was the most overwhelming. The girl that he had known so many years ago had long left the Cordelia Chase he had fallen in love with. Wesley had been right when he had once informed Angel that Cordelia was not the carefree girl they used to know. At the end she had had burdens and hardships, things that only seemed to separate them.
He felt like he hadn't had the proper time to love her; that he had only just begun to realize what a gift she was to him before she slipped away. It seemed as if the Powers only taunted him with her those last days, he had believed she was back for good when she was only back to get him on the right path. It had been a long time since emotional pain far outweighed the physical he felt in battles but he felt it now. He felt it in his heart, the one that no longer beat but still longed for Cordelia.
I had no time with her. He knew that was both true and false. He had had years and yet not enough to be honest with himself, with her, not until the end.
The end. That's what it was now.
How many more could he lose? There had been reasons he had distanced himself from humans long ago, they die too easily. But then he had found people that he loved. He had found Doyle who knew the true meaning of sacrifice. And he found Cordelia who showed him what it meant to not be so alone in the world. He found Wes who was constant comfort when he needed a friend. He found Fred and Gunn who stuck with him. Lorne, Harmony, Spike even.
Angel had seen countless humans and monsters alike die. But nothing prepares you for losing someone you love, not even a Champion can withstand that.
"I'll be seeing you."
He had to believe that because to think otherwise made him want to give up. What do you fight for when the ones you love have died fighting? Why do you continue when the faces and names that have carried you in battle have suddenly fallen away?
Angel struggled for the answer.
How many more will I lose? Who will be standing at the end? Who will help the hopeless with me? Who fight the Skilosh demons and charge vampire nests with me?
What a ways they had come together. He could remember working out of the office with Doyle and Cordelia, things seemed much easier then. But then Doyle left, the first to go. Wesley waltzed in with his books and his eagerness and they settled in. Slowly along came Fred and Gunn and the others but Cordelia had been his constant. She had been there from the beginning, stood by his side from Day One. And then he lost her, somewhere along the way they were separated. While she had been in a coma he had had hope. He had held out that one day maybe she would return to his side, be his confidante again.
And then she had. For a few glorious days it had been like all those years ago; the banter, the jokes. He knew she knew him better anyone; even better than Darla. Darla had refused his soul and never truly understood him. Cordelia had accepted him in ways that he had not even known, not even when he had been human. She had reminded him of what it was like to care for a human, to be concerned and to love them even before he was actually in love with her.
And now she was gone. Not gone with a son he didn't know or gone to Pylea, but gone. Gone from this world, the one he had vowed to protect. And he couldn't for the life, for lack of a better word, of him remember what was so damn important about this world that no longer contained her.
There was no hope. No hope that she would waltz in with her lack of organizational skills and fondness for good footwear and make him laugh. No hope that she would once again beg him for a self-defense lesson in the basement of The Hyperion. No hope.
A/N: I know it's a bit of a downer but I am a long-time fan of the show and I felt rather betrayed by the ending. I felt like the magnitude of Angel's loss in those who reminded him of his task for humanity was never really explored and that it should have been. Reviews are appreciated!!