11-23-1909
To whomever it may concern,
I deeply fear for my own pathetic life. I write these words in the dimming light of the moon as I hide under my sheets, shaking fully with fear and anticipation at the thought of being taken. I know it is going to happen, I always knew this, but as my times of end draws nearer and nearer I feel more and more terrified. I truly do not wish to die at such a tender age, barely on the peak of adulthood. At the beginning, I believed that I could match his manipulation and lies as a tactic help me survive this predicament that I wound myself so tightly inside. Of course, depending on the person of interest, you will be quite confused on my odd choice of wording or rather my lack of words. To clarify: I made one of the most horrible sins a human can achieve. It was out of grief and my own self destruction that I did so. I was in a time where I craved love, so I followed blindly with lustful eyes, and he was there to offer me that care and affection. Dancing with the devil does not come without its risks. I have made a gruesome falter. I never really thought that the time would come where the time painstakingly ticked away my lifespan, but as I write these words, I am wondering if I truly want to live in this world of malice in the first place. That is the question. When I was brought here, my mind was set on death being the only necessary escape from myself. It was what I desired.. I was already slowly drowning and choking on my own feelings of self pity and sadness, so I realized that soon I would choke on those tears and would die nevertheless. It was not as if I had anyone left in the world to care for me in the first place. My parents casted me from them and practically despised my existence. They felt as if I were just a nuisance. Just another mouth to feed that took up from their own survival. Just a dog. I truly only resided in their household. I was not welcomed, nor living in any manner. They believed I was merely helpless and unwanted.. At least that is what he told me. He told me that we had to go somewhere safe together, to escape the woes and ruins of the world. He told me he would care for me and love me. He even smiled that damned smile that made me take his hand. I wanted to believe him. So badly. It hurt my chest and soul to believe him, for I merely just wanted to love him and have him love me like the time before. As I sit here awaiting my death, I still find my heart beating only for him. Despite how drastically he has changed in front of my own eyes, my heart is still drawn to him with string. My entire self belongs to him. Even at this age I have grown to, I have realized and finally felt betrayed by his lies and deception. I know better than to turn a blind eye. He believes that a simple smile and a sly choice of words will force me to bend and bow to his games, but after years of forced believing my mind is beginning to branch out on its own. As I sit here in the pools of my bed sheets and nightgown, I have finally realized that I am not afraid to die. All I am is a useless doll made for someone else's benefit, but the mere thought of death is quite atrocious. I fear the emptiness I will feel when I pass on without him, as idiotic as it sounds, and my body is reacting to this subconscious fear. Sweating palms, skin white as a corpse. My body repels it, but my mind welcomes it with outstretched arms. I feel that when the time does come that my death looms over me, I will immensely regret my decision. But as of now, I shall wait in the ruins of my bed and mind while accepting my destiny.