When I see them, I'm jealous.

I can't say that I have something -or anything similar- to what they have.

Immediately after that thought, I think of Alison, but can't shake the feeling that I want to call her Cameron. She insists that I don't; I comply, though it takes effort. I never really know why it matters, and always think of them, calling each other by their surnames. Names are something only in passing; the name doesn't matter. Stripped away of things to call themselves, they'd still talk just as easily, still retain that closeness. I don't feel any closer to Cam- Alison when I call her by her first name. In fact, it feels unnatural, more formal rather than less.

She doesn't understand other things either, not the way that I see House and Wilson understand each other. Or, rather, if they don't understand, they learn to deal, and unless it's particularly nasty, e.g. Tritter, and even that was eventually overcome. They always go back to each other. Everything eventually comes to a conclusion, or lives underneath so what's good can rise above.

The point is, they can't avoid each other forever, even when they want to. There's something to admire in that and that they've never gone to long without each other.

But I'm not so sure this time.

I can guess, that it's the longest period of time that they haven't talked to each other. I can guess that they've openly ignored one another more than they ever had, and I can guess that the difference this time is that it's hurting the both of them; I can see them looking after one another as one leaves, or before they've been spotted. Everyone can, it's no secret. Everyone's worried; I am too. After working at Princeton Plainsboro for so long, I think I've been lulled into the chaotic rhythm that goes between the two of them. Now that it's stopped, completely and in a way that I've never seen it before, I have to wonder if it'll ever come back.

Maybe that's overly poetic, but what it boils down to, is that they've never had something like this to deal with, and so far, I've seen no indication that they'll get through it.

I'm jealous of them, but everything I've been so envious of would be worthless if they don't get through this; not a good feeling. I don't like to think that I've wasted my time, hoping for something like that to come along (and it never did) only to find out that it may never have been there or existed at all.

Whatever it is.

Even now, I'm not sure. When I was first hired by House, and it was only him and I in the department, I'd seen enough to assume that they were lovers, however unconventional. The first few weeks I spent mostly tailing after them, House having as little to do with work as I did with getting the job in the first place. It didn't take me very long to discover that I wouldn't get any definitive information on whether they were or weren't, but I easily found what was admirable.

There were those moments where House would laugh, something that even though I tried like a kid begging for the attention of an older brother, have hardly ever, even since then, succeeded in drawing out. Wilson could do that like it was nothing.

There were also those moments of tension between them, not the kind where there's something you want to say but won't because it won't get you anywhere. It's the opposite of that; not saying it because of where it would get you. And then there were the things they said that definitely made it sound as though they were, but I never trusted that because of all the contradictions of what wasn't said. House, it goes without saying, doesn't give a damn what someone like me or the majority of the population would think of it, and it wasn't him censoring himself for Wilson either, because he wouldn't do that either. He's not saying it for another reason.

There are two options to that; either they are, but they don't want to be. Or, they aren't and they do want to, but for lack of better terminology, they're too chicken of ruining whatever stalemate it is that they've conditioned themselves to live with.

Or I could be completely off mark, and all the studying I've done has been futile because I'm not smart enough to read into words and actions. It's complicated, and that's about the only thing that I can guarantee.

I haven't talked to Cameron about it; she's too hung-up on him. I have talked to Foreman, however. Surprisingly, it wasn't me who brought it up; it's always comforting to know that you aren't the only one seeing something. His conclusion was similar to mine, but with no way to prove it, we finished running the tests and went along our way. There isn't anything to be gained from analyzing our boss and his friend/victim/lover/peer if we can't come to a conclusion. At least not if you only have assumptions to the nature of their relationship. That's bad science, any doctor would tell you that. It's not like making an assumption and finding conclusive evidence.

So, we've observed. We don't talk about it, but there are certain signals on our face and exchanges in our glances that gives away what we're thinking; nothing anywhere near as sophisticated as their art, but it's something to work off of. It's not an obsessive thing, more of a compulsive thing that happens whenever they come into the same room together. I don't seek it out; it is their business after all.

Besides, if I ever actually spied on him, House'd do the same to me, and Wilson would back him up, just to teach me a lesson. I have the notion that Cameron wouldn't appreciate that. For myself however, it'd depend. If I found anything useful in my stalking, I think I could handle being stalked back. I don't have much to hide that House hasn't already found, and nothing else that he'd find interesting.

But knowing House, he might use some other method of torture. Again, whatever the method, Wilson would back him up. So, in short, the easy way to avoid that game is to let the one that's already in progress keep going. Then they'd never know. Although, I'll admit, it's getting to the point where it seems like someone should just slam the book closed and give a final ruling. Maybe clue them in, if that's really the case. Denial is another option when it comes to them, and it's been known to be the forte of both.

Maybe it's the one thing that they really share.

It's been demonstrated again and again how far their denial can extend. With House, it's more obvious, grandiose gestures, but with Wilson, it's something that lurks in the background. That's what's made this situation so much more unpredictable; no one can tell what Wilson is thinking. He's the "normal" one, dealing with it in all the "normal" ways; closing himself off, packing the apartment, diligently working so that nothing can interrupt his self indulgent grieving. It's all very acceptable of course, given what happened, and no one bothers him with anything more than a encouraging comment here or there or little acts of kindness like forcing him down into the cafeteria for a meal and conversation, or phoning him on his days off to see if he's alright. The difference this time however, was that all these thing that people do for people who're grieving, aren't things that House should be doing to. The 'giving him space' thing, that is. It's not how they work.

Or not work, in the years that I've known/observed them, I haven't seen any evidence of them 'working' together very well. They function, like House with his Vicodin; there were the highs, the middle spaces and of course the lows. There is this dependency upon one another, a desire both of them will sacrifice everything else for without question. Sometimes, there's the big moral question, but that's it. One question, and Wilson will have hundred reasons to say no, but in the end, he always says yes.

I hope, for all of our sakes, that this is the case this time. If not, we all know what it means for House. He'd act like nothing had ever happened and be worse for it. Wilson would agonize over it but resume life. Neither of them would be happy.

Of all the times to choose to prove to Wilson that he cares, this was probably the worst, but if he hadn't of done it now, he'd have done it later in a situation of exactly the same magnitude.

Patient…or Wilson.

Wilson would crack. Or at least, I hope that he does. Keep my faith intact. The faith being that no matter how screwed up things get between the two of them, they'll always end up together, as they were until the next time and the cycle would repeat.

Patient…or Wilson.

It's obvious who House will choose. House wants to prove how much Wilson matters and he's willing to let someone die without even trying to stop it. He's still going to think about the case, of course, and he'll still try to get a solution and maybe he'll give it at the last moment. But if he's not working with his team, that's where the danger comes in for the patient. Maybe House is secretly working with them. I hope for the patients sake that he is, but I doubt it. He'll rely instead on his brilliance, which despite it's splendour is not a very good course of action.

Wilson will crack. He has to. And if he doesn't do that, he'll have to deliver some sort of ultimatum, but House is holding the reins on that one. I can't think of a better one, and it doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon for Wilson either. But if anyone has a chance at finding a better ultimatum than House, it's Wilson. So we all do the futile and urge House to do his job, or lose it until something better comes up. House will sacrifice the job though, without a second thought. Even if most hospitals won't touch him, and if this patient dies, no one would ever think of hiring him, he's not worried. It's about Wilson.

I can't see this as merely friendship, and if it is only that, it's probably the kind that'd be on an endangered species list.

It's not the time to be thinking of it, but I'm more envious than ever. I don't know anyone else who'd let one life diminish to prove how much the other outweighed it. In it's own cruel, demented way, it's a greater show of love than suicide or working to prevent death. House knows what is that he's doing, and understands it's ramifications. He'd never work for another hospital again. He'd in all likelihood lose Wilson despite it's purpose of forcing him to stay. He'd posed the risk of losing everyone who cares about him. But Wilson is the only one who matters.

Wilson knows all of that too.

He has to give in. He's an enabler. Besides, there are other elements too. What it is Wilson intends to do exactly by leaving, I'm guessing even he doesn't know. It's a rash decision; it's panic. Amber is dead and he doesn't know how to handle it. He doesn't know how to grieve; he loved her. It was obvious that she was a proxy, but that doesn't change that he loved her. Maybe not as much as he loves House, but no one would deny that he loved her, more than he chronically loved everyone. I'm don't think that he understands that he needs House as much House needs him. It's…twisted. I can see why he'd want to deny it.

And I'm still jealous of it, despite all it's faults. I want that. I want love like that, something that defies convention and is stronger for it. It's not the usual story, so it always feels like it should pull out of all the things that normal relationships fail to get through. It's unusual because of how it's gone, for past decade and a half. People have been married for less than that, a lot of people. They'll last longer than anyone I know and it's obvious that at times it's very damaging, but they wouldn't keep going if they didn't need it. It really was all about need, and not want. How could anyone /want/ that? I mean, at face value. There has to be something deeper than that to keep pulling them together. It's the only explanation.

But I could be wrong. But I don't really think that I am.

This guesswork, which is all it really is, is based on things I've assumed and things I've wanted. I can't see what they're thinking, but I think three years working alongside House should have brought me up to speed on the lies and behaviours of people; they're still only human. My assumptions aren't bad, just inconclusive. And because they're inconclusive it means that it's still going; they'll get through.

They need to.

I need them to. I don't want to be wrong. It doesn't matter how things began, or all the things that have happened, it matters how it ends. And the special thing about them, is that they don't. They take breaks, they take steps back, but they never end. It's exhaustive, I'm sure, but it is the quintessence of they mode of operation. When they need each other, they leap right back in; it's just that it's usually Wilson doing the leaping. I think that this time (finally) it's House's turn.

So of course the jump is going to be dramatic. It's a culmination of all the times Wilson had to do it. In terms of mathematics, it's an equal action. It's tough love; House forcing someone to face a truth. And it's so extensive because it's personal. He needs Wilson; he needs to help Wilson be Wilson. I'm guessing that most people won't see it like this, and only see it as House being difficult. House is always difficult, but he always has a reason. Everything he does have a reason based in fact based logic.

But anyone can see that this is as much about truth as it is about Wilson. To House, Wilson is as important as the truth. No one comes to mind who's received the same attention.

It's more than a puzzle.

It's more than want.

It's more than friendship.

It's something I can understand more, when I imagine myself in their position. It's something I don't have, and something that I want and something I won't find.

And it never ends. They don't know how to stop. How can they stop when they don't even understand why they keep going?