His head pounded like a drum with an angry monkey holding the sticks. Sand filled his throat as he rubbed his eyes. The lids stuck to the eyeballs, making him feel like a million times more like a pile of shit. When he finally pulled his eyes open, his vision was assaulted by the glow of the sun cutting into his tent through the partially open flap. Eels slithered in his guts, shortening his throat. He couldn't help but vomit onto the ground in his tent, no cover between his stuff and the grass. The stench of bile and wine made him gag, but his stomach refused to offer anything else to purge from his system.

"Gods..." he thought, clutching the half drunk bottle that rolled its way to him. He took a long drink, feeling the wine in the bottle chase away the pain of his sobriety. The bottle ran empty, booze no longer flowing into his system. He wiped the scruffy, graying black beard on his face. It was by no means as long as a mountain man's, reaching far past his chin and tickling his toes. His beard was just an extra patch of hair that never even reached his neck.

"Oooooooh Rooooobiiiiin~!" a sing-songy voice called to him. A young woman spoke to Robin from outside the tent, out of his sight. He guessed that she was blonde, had pig-tails, and more than likely a death wish considering that she was keeping him from sleeping off the agony of the morning.

Robin sat up on his sleep mat, a destroyed pile of cloth and hay that barely lifted off the ground. He scanned the inside of his tent, seeing nothing but grass, bottles, his sword, and a few books he had lying around. He held a hand up, trying to cover the light bleeding into his tent and making his hangover more painful than it needed to be.

"What do you want...?" he groaned, rubbing his withered face. As the days went on, he noticed far too many wrinkles and crow's feet than he wanted, which was only emphasized due to how many young people he was surrounded with. The kicks to his liver weren't doing him any favors either.

"Chrom wants you up and ready before noon, grandpa," the woman teased, snickering making its way to Robin's ears.

"Lissa, what'd I say about making jokes like that?" Robin barked, forcing himself to his feet. That sharp pinch in his back brought a red tint to his face. He muttered curses at Lissa for the age crack, mainly because she was right.

"That if I keep poking fun at you, you'll spank my behind red," Lissa said, her tone cheery and playful. "But guess what? Haven't done it yet!"

"Don't push me," Robin growled, wrapping his deep purple cloak around himself. He retrieved his sword and a spell-book that he had lying around in the pile of texts he had scattered about. Another wine bottle tapped his foot, his eyes darting to the long, green bottle. Sadly, it was bone dry; not even a drop remained.

"Oh, by the way," Lissa said, poking her head through the tent flaps. It was just as Robin thought. She was blonde, chipper (his polite word for annoying), and pretty. While Robin had scars and wrinkles, she had a face that rivaled a doll's. Not a single blemish ruined her image. "Nowi's trying to find you. Been calling your name all day."

"Seriously?" Robin asked, brow raised. His head pounded. Throat tightened once again. He wanted to sigh, or at the very least grunt, but his stomach decided to spin in his stomach and send bile to his esophagus. The purple-garbed man spun away from Lissa, vomiting in another corner of the tent. The young woman's face went green, pulling out of the tent as fast as she could. Robin wiped his mouth after he was finished.

"You okay...?" Lissa gagged out herself. Her head whirled a mile a minute as she tried to keep the floodgates closed. Her small, feminine hands clasped her mouth shut.

"Yeah," Robin assured her, walking out of the tent to meet her. Other soldiers emerging from their own tents sneered at the sight, and the smell. Robin spat in their directions. They were surrounded by tents and troops. They couldn't walk two paces without bumping into one of them. The sky was clear and bright, Ylissean summer in full force. A nice humid heat kept them warm, but not simmering like pigs. "Just had a little too much last night."

"Right..." Lissa said, forcing her own vomit back down her throat. She looked at Robin, face contorted into a small frown.

"But what did Nowi want?" Robin asked, moving the topic before Lissa had any ideas for a lecture.

"Oh!" Lissa chirped, face jumping into a smile. Her bright yellow dress glowed along with her attitude, blinding Robin. "I almost forgot. She said she wanted to you to play with her later."

"What the hell is wrong with that girl...?" Robin hissed, rubbing his eyes once again. That red tint came back to his face at the thought of that small... well, not exactly child constantly asking him to play games with her was humiliating. "She acts like I'm some sort of doll she can play house with all the time."

"I think it's sweet~," Lissa said, one of her hands cupping her cheek. "She wants a grandpa."

"Lissa!" Robin shouted, his tone proving he was beyond tolerating the blonde's jokes. "I'm serious! One more 'grandpa' joke, and I'll beat you bloody!"

"You wouldn't do that," Lissa argued, face a teasing smirk. "For one, you like me too much to hurt me. And two, your back won't let you."

"I said-!" a loud crack stopped Robin short, hands flying to his lower back. "FUCK!"

Lissa giggled as Robin hunched down, face twisted in pain. She handed him a small bag, barely bigger than his thumb. Robin sighed as he poured the contents into his other palm, a light green powder that he tossed into his mouth. The grains stuck to the roof of his mouth, causing him to choke. The stabbing in his spine faded as he stood taller.

"Come by my tent," Lissa said, giving him a wink. "That stuff's just a pain killer. See me and I can get that disk back in place."

"After I see Chrom," Robin clarified, stuffing the bag still half full of powder into his coat pocket.

"You definitely want to do it before night time," Lissa said, skipping away as Robin pulled a shiny metal flask from his cloak. "It only lasts for eight hours!"

"Eight hours..." Robin thought, looking up to the sky. The sun was high in the air, not a cloud to interrupt it. He guessed it was around eleven in the morning, remembering that Chrom wanted him up before noon. So he had until seven to get to Lissa's for that fix.

His first few steps were hesitant, expecting another snap in his back. After he was sure that the pain powder took affect, his walk was more enjoyable. Robin scanned the camp around him, trying to spot the other Shepherds. None of the distinctive colors or personalities were standing out amidst the flood of average-faced, non-descriptive soldiers that faded into and out of Robin's vision like embers to a fire.

"Least it's warm out," his mind rationalized. Brow covered in sweat, pouring down his face. He stretched his arms wide, feeling every joint pop. A sweet soreness took over his body.

Robin marched his way through the soldiers, heat, and the dusty, dead grass. He spat particles from his mouth more often than he wanted, every few seconds filled with spits and hacks. Quick sips from the flask helped him, giving him relief from the dead earth. The Plegian landscape sucked, using less than polite words to describe it. It was hot, full of sand, and more often than not had someone trying to kill you at every corner.

"Roooobiiiiin~!"

Or had weirdos they meet in the middle of nowhere.

A small, colorfully dressed little girl ran through the soldiers, bumping her way to the man who covered his face with a hand. Her hair was a light green, flowing down past her shoulders and halfway past her back. She wore a dark purple cape, pair of gloves and boots, and a smile that never vanished. A light tune filled the air, the girl humming as she skipped into Robin's view. She continued her song, watching the older man turn away from her and walk away.

"Hey!" she whined, following behind the grumpy adult. Her cheeks puffed, offended at being ignored. "Why are you walking away?"

"I'm busy, kid," Robin said, keeping his view focused in front of him. He tried not to sound too frustrated, but more than enough venom leaked into his words. Nowi, the girl that had been hunting him down and had managed to find him, always gave him a migraine. Something about that child-like innocence made his head pound. "Ask, I don't know, Ricken to play with you."

"Ricken always wants to talk with Maribelle though," Nowi said, keeping up with Robin. Her arms were crossed as she walked, those long, knife-like ears drooping towards the ground.

"Then Miriel," Robin countered, wiping dust from his cloak. He reached for the flask in his jacket, taking another swig.

"Miriel's boring~!" Nowi argued.

"Vaike?"

"Him and Frederick are training."

"Stahl?"

"Eating fifth breakfast with Sully."

"Panne?"

"She said I'm not allowed within twenty feet of her, or she'd kill me."

"You pulled her ears again, didn't you?" Robin asked, stopping suddenly. His breaths were hard, chest aching. Robin refused to let that show to the creature in front of him, a scowl on his face. Nowi slid in front of him.

"They're so cute though!" Nowi said, stars in her eyes. Her arms were clutched against her torso, face bright red. Sand tickled her toes, making her giggle.

"Right," Robin said, pushing Nowi out of his way and wiping his brow. His steps burned the bottoms of his feet, making him hiss. Even with his thick, heavy leather boots his flesh roasted. Another swig from the flask. "I gotta talk with Chrom about the next battle. I don't have time to play 'Magic Dragon Princess' with you. Talk Donnel into it or something."

"We only played that once!" Nowi said, cheeks puffed once again. Her tiny hands were clenched into fists no bigger than pebbles. "And you never wanted to go along with it. You kept drinking, then you passed out before we even finished the wedding!"

"You told me to be myself," Robin shrugged, not looking at the girl. He saw the royal insignia of Chrom's tent, marking his destination. It was a large, dark blue design that matched the brand on his shoulder. Robin never knew how to describe it. It was some kind of circle or something, but that was as far he went before saying 'piss it' and thinking about something else. "I did the same thing during Lissa and Lon'qu's wedding."

"But you were supposed to be the groom," Nowi whined. She huffed as she too noticed the tent Robin walked towards. "Fine! Have your stupid boring meeting! But you better promise to play with me later."

"I gotta see Lissa later to fix up a disk in my back," Robin said, grabbing one of the flaps of Chrom's tent. "Gonna be busy for a while, kid."

"You're a jerk..." Nowi said, tears in her eyes. Her lower lip quivered. Small droplets fell onto the sand, boiling off and turning to steam as soon as they touched the Earth.

Robin watched Nowi sob, her face covered by her hands. His eyes drifted back to the tent. He closed his eyes, sighing as he knew he'd regret his next few words.

"Fine," Robin said, throwing his arms into the air. "When I get back from Lissa's, we'll play hide and seek or something."

"YAAAAY!" Nowi shrieked, her tiny voice driving Robin deaf. It was like two arrows tearing into his eardrums. His hands flew to his punished ears, desperate to stave off the agonizing cheer. As if that wasn't bad enough, Nowi threw her arms around Robin's torso, crushing his organs in that horrifying grip she had. Despite her small size, her hands could crush iron. She held the aged-man in her death-hug, bones popping and cracking as she screamed as loud as she could.

It was the longest ten seconds of Robin's life. By some miracle, he was released, his broken body crumpling to the ground. Sand stuck to his hair, itching his skull. Pain paralyzed him. Despite the strength of the powder Lissa gave him, Nowi's hug sent his brain into a panic; filled with a burning agony that focused on his spine. Robin heard Nowi run off, humming that same, stupid song she played earlier. She was completely unaware of the damage she dealt to Robin.

"You really are getting old, aren't you?" a blue-haired man asked as he stepped from his tent. He barely held back his chuckles as Robin tried to lift his hand, middle-finger standing proud while the other digits on his hand were clenched tight.

"That... thing... isn't... human," Robin groaned out. He tried to retrieve his flask, it falling into the sand. He stared straight into the sky, the sun burning his retinas.

"No, she isn't," the bluenette said, offering a hand to Robin. He lifted his elder to his feet. Robin held a hand to his back, a scowl deep on his face.

"I'm gonna kill her," Robin said, eyes dark and filled with terrors. "I'm gonna knock her out; cover her in chicken fat; take her to the nearest swamp; and toss her to the gators!"

"She'd just cook them all and bring them back," the other man said, arms crossed. "You just need to play along with her. She'll get bored and leave you alone eventually. I think your resisting makes it more fun for her. Also, disturbingly specific for a hypothetical..."

"Hypothetical?" Robin asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Hav-Have you done that before...?" the other man asked, his eyes wide.

"Twice," Robin answered, holding up two fingers.

"Right..."

A/N

So this is Dork with a new thing. I know, I know... I'm too sexy. It's a terrible curse.

But the idea of an aged Robin hit me one day, and I kept thinking about it. I liked the idea, so I ran with it. Especially if he and Nowi counter each other all the time.

Robin's personality is inspired by Malory Archer from Archer and Max Payne from... Max Payne. So a self-loathing, bitter Robin that drinks a lot is on the horizon. I thought it would be funny if he were like that since it would contrast with Nowi's kiddy personality.

And the reason I picked Nowi is because she's barely ever used in fics. It's always Lucina, Cordelia, Chrom, or Frederick. I try to go with the path less traveled.

...

I'M NOT A HIPSTER, SHUT UP!

Don't really expect too much of a plot. It's a lot like Greed's a Pain or Chained No More. A lot more like a series of one-shots with a loose connection, or maybe an arc between them.

This is gonna be fun...

Until Next Time!