AN: To all of my faithful followers; I apologize for such the long wait! I have spent all of my writing time for the last two months trying to finish the first chapter of a new Sparia story, but I just can't get into it. I know you don't want excuses, but I've written maybe one sentence a day, and I'm still not happy with it. So, I've spent the entirety of the last two days throwing this together.
Anyway, I recently spent a week with my cousin who is a nurse and has a paraplegic friend. Most of my information and inspiration comes from her, and I did a lot of research. I hope this story lives up to expectations!
Without further adieu, I give you "At Least She Still Has Us."
"I'm so sorry Em," Hanna said as she squeezed her friend's hand and tried to comfort her, "but you're alive and that's all that matters."
Three days earlier, Emily had been driving home from her shift at the The Brew when her life was changed forever. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw headlights as an SUV ran through a red light and crashed into the driver's side of her car, sending her rolling over and over until it stopped abruptly against a tree.
She had been knocked unconscious by the blow and awoke to the bright red and blue lights and the sound of metal being torn apart as they fought to get her out. "Hang in there ma'am, we're going to get you out," she heard as she realized the pounding in her head. She tried to pull herself out of her seat when she realized for the first time that she couldn't feel her legs and drifted out of consciousness again.
The next time Emily woke up, she was in the white light of a hospital room, with tubes coming out of her arms and wires going this way and that. "Em?" she heard someone ask as she slowly saw the room more clearly. "Em, you're awake, oh thank God," she heard again, realizing this time that the voice was coming from Hanna. "I'm gonna go find the doctor, okay?"
"Miss Fields?" she heard an unfamiliar voice ask. "My name is Dr. Jameson and I've been watching over your care. Can you squeeze my hand please?"
Emily did as she was told on both sides before the doctor walked to the foot of her bed. "Miss Fields, I need you to tell me what you feel okay?" the doctor said as he began prodding her feet and moving his hands up her legs.
"I..I can't feel anything," Emily said, the panic evident in her voice.
"Miss Fields, I'm sorry, but it seems that your spinal cord was injured in your accident and you've lost sensation and control from the waist down. At this point I would assume that the severing took place in your lower thoracic spine, but you are still very lucky. Any higher and there would have been much more serious complications. We don't know what the long term outcome will be for your injury as every case is unique, but we cannot guarantee improvement."
"You mean, I can't walk? I'll never be able to feel my legs again?" Emily exclaimed.
"Miss Fields, we don't know what the future will..." the doctor began but was interrupted.
"I'm going to be sick," Emily said quietly. A nurse rushed to get a bed pan in front of her as Hanna rushed to her side. After emptying the contents of her stomach, Emily began to cry in defeat.
Hanna rubbed the girl's back gently and shushed her quietly. Once Emily's cries quieted, Hanna reached for her hand. "I'm so sorry Em," she said as she squeezed it reassuringly and tried to comfort her, "but you're alive and that's all that matters."
Once Hanna was able to get the girl quieted, the doctor started again. "I know this is a lot to take in, but we want to get you home and adjusted into normal life as possible so you are going to be beginning a rehab program here. We will work on building your upper body strength and help you to complete basic tasks in a new way. We also need to try to get your body used to its new self. A lot of things are different now, and not just your inability to walk."
Emily sighed, "What do you mean?"
"Well," the doctor started, "one of the other side effects of your spinal injury is bladder and bowel incontinence."
"Oh god no," Emily interrupted him.
"Miss Fields, I assure you that this is not something that will disturb your life greatly. You currently have a Foley catheter inserted which we will be removing before you leave the hospital and at that time we will instruct you on self catheterization at home. It is something very common and you should adjust to well."
Emily simply nodded as the doctor continued, "The sort of bowel incontinence that you have is caused by a lack of movement in the lower GI tract. You also will not be able to feel the urge to use the restroom. We will need to get you on a scheduled bowel program in which you stimulate and empty the bowels at a regular time each day which will cut down on leaks and accidents as much as possible. All of the nurses here do this regularly and you are in the best of hands."
After the doctor finished explaining, the nurse stepped in. "I'm going to go ahead and remove your heart monitors and IV. You're not in any pain are you?"
Emily shook her head and the nurse smiled. "Good to hear. You gave us all quite the scare these last few days. Aside from your back injury, you have a pretty bad contusion on your head but no concussion. The other abrasions and bruises will heal on their own."
Emily nodded and the nurse began the process of pulling each sticky pad off of her chest. When it came time to remove her IV, Emily winced in pain and Hanna squeezed her hand reassuringly.
Six weeks of rehab in the hospital later, it was finally time for Emily to go home and Hanna, her rock through this whole process, came by to help. The doctor began the long discharge day early in the morning. "I'm sure you understand that things are going to be different now, and there are a few things we need to teach you before you are discharged. Who do you live with at home? You're going to need someone to watch over your care, especially in the beginning. We can arrange to have a caretaker come home with you if necessary," he commented.
"I don't really know. My mom is back in Texas with my dad right now and..." Emily explained sadly before being interrupted by Hanna, "No. Me. I'll be there to take care of her."
"Hanna, you don't have to do that for me, I'll figure it out," Emily protested.
"No Em, you need someone and I'm there. I'll stay with you at your place as long as you need," Hanna said definitively.
"Alright then," the doctor began, "you will going home in a simple wheelchair like you've been using here as it seems you have upper body control and stability. You may at first struggle with moving yourself around, but with time you will grow more and more comfortable with it. I recommend moving a bed onto the first floor of your home so you do not have to worry about stairs. It will be much easier to transfer yourself onto a bed at a similar height as your chair. While I do expect that you will be able to lift and transfer yourself with time, I expect you will still need assistance in the coming weeks. Luckily it seems that you have a very willing and able friend here to help you. After you leave, we will be setting up time for you to come back and work with therapists. Physical therapy may not bring back the feeling in your legs, but you will learn to adapt to your disability and function at a more normal level. It is also important to keep checks on your mental health. Traumatic injuries and large life changes can negatively affect people's minds and we would like to avoid negative emotions. Do you have any questions so far?"
"Um no, not really," Emily said quietly.
"Good. As for care at home, you still need to rest and recover. While the use of your upper body may make it seem like you can do a lot of basic things for yourself, like making food or getting dressed, we must encourage you not to do these sorts of things by yourself still. This is where your friend will come in. We also need to talk about how you are going to regulate your restroom needs."
Emily glanced worriedly at Hanna, but the girl gave her a reassuring smile.
The doctor continued, "To minimize leaks, we suggest self catheterizing with the help of your friend every 4-6 hours. We will show you how to do so after we remove the inpatient catheter in a little while."
Emily nodded reluctantly.
"Your friend will also need to help you regulate and empty your bowels," the doctor mentioned before Emily let out an embarrassed whimper.
"Em," Hanna said quietly, "I know this is a lot to take in, but this is what best friends are for okay? Relax and let the doctor explain."
"Thank you Miss..." the doctor trailed off.
"Marin"
"Miss Marin," he affirmed before turning his attention back to Emily.
"Before you leave, we will show you and your friend how to use suppositories and manually stimulate the rectum for elimination. Getting your body onto a regular schedule is still going to take time and we recommend wearing protection for the first few weeks at home. If you don't have any questions, the nurses can take over and get you ready to leave."
With that, the doctor left the room and the nurses began to gather the supplies to teach Hanna how to care for Emily's needs.
"Miss Fields, we're going to be removing your catheter now. I don't think you have any sensation in the immediate area but please let me know if you feel any discomfort," the nurse said before quickly removing the catheter.
"Now we are going to bend your legs up and show Miss Marin how to insert the small temporary catheter you'll be using several times a day. We can sit you up to watch if you'd like. This will become something you can do on your own in the future," the nurse offered and Emily nodded. The nurse proceeded to position Emily and move the blankets before showing the girls how to clean the area, insert and remove it.
Once Emily and Hanna both had a good understanding of self catheterization and Hanna felt confident enough to insert it herself, the nurses helped to lay Emily on her side for the next part. "Miss Fields, unfortunately, your bowel program is not something you're going to be able to do for yourself anytime in the near future," the nurse explained. "And I'm sorry, but there is no other way to teach Miss Marin than to actually perform this fully. It's almost 11am now and we had been doing this around noon anyway. I understand that you may feel embarrassed, but I do this to people almost everyday and have never been bothered by it. I know having your friend be here and having her do this is different than it has been the last few weeks, but it is still nothing to be ashamed of."
Hanna walked around the bed to stand near Emily's backside and placed a reassuring hand on her side. "It's okay Em, this is just life now. You're just an extra bit special now. No biggie."
Emily nodded and really smiled for the first time in weeks. She always loved Hanna's positive attitude and how she always knew how to say what she needed to hear.
The nurse began to prepare the bed, placing down a pad and putting on her gloves, handing Hanna a pair as well. "Alright Miss Fields, I want to make sure you're on the same page as us. I don't think we ever explained what we were doing to you before. This is something called digital stimulation. I know you won't be feeling this, but we stick one lubricated finger into your rectum and make slow circles and remove all of the stool near the exit. Then we'll give you a suppository and wait a bit. Afterward, we go ahead and do the same digital stimulation again every few minutes to make sure you're all cleared out."
Emily barely nodded but the nurse began the long process, allowing Hanna to try as well. Once the suppository was in, the nurse left and Hanna walked back around to Emily's front and sat down. "Hey, at least you've got a nice ass, Em," Hanna said, trying to lighten the mood a little. Emily shook her head, but Hanna swore she saw the slightest smile. "Come on Em, don't worry about it. Shit happens, right?"
With no luck trying to be funny, Hanna decided to try another tactic. "You know Em, you're my best friend in the entire world and I don't know what I would do if you were gone. If the only bad thing that comes out of you being alive is that I have to help you poop, I will gladly help you poop all damn day. You know I love you Em." Emily smiled finally and Hanna got up and walked to her bedside, grabbing her hand firmly. "I'm so happy you're still here Em. You're going to be okay. We're going to get you through this."
The girls spent the next 20 minutes making small talk and waiting for the nurse to come back. When she did, Hanna simply watched as she stimulated the girl again until her bowels were empty. Once Emily was wiped clean, the nurse rolled the girl onto her back and went to find the doctor so the girl could be discharged.
The nurse and doctor came back in with something Emily had been dreading wearing in front of Hanna: an adult diaper. "Miss Fields, the nurse is going to go ahead and put this on you before getting you dressed to go home. I'm afraid accidents are still going to occur rather frequently until your body gets used to your routine. If you're protected, it should be less embarrassing and more manageable. As soon as you're dressed and ready, I've given you the go ahead to sign out and head home," the doctor told her before leaving the room.
Once the nurse showed Hanna how to fasten the diaper and the best ways to clothe her friend, she returned with a wheelchair and transferred Emily into it. After signing a few forms and being given catheters, suppositories, diapers and some cleaning supplies, Emily was free to leave and Hanna pushed her out to the car.
The first thing Emily wanted to do once she was seated in the car was call her mom. Hanna dialed the number and handed the girl the phone.
"Mommy? They finally let me go home today. Yes I'm okay. The doctors told you everything, right? It's really okay. I know you can't get home, and I understand. Hanna is moving in and taking care of me. Yes mom, tell daddy I love him and miss him. I promise you I'm okay. It's a new life but I'll learn. I'll talk to you soon. I love you too, bye."
"You okay?" Hanna asked, noticing the sadness on her friend's face.
"I just wish she could be here, I miss her and sometimes I just need my mom," Emily said quietly.
Hanna frowned, "I know Em, and I wish money wasn't an object and things weren't this way. But your mom just got back to work after being here with you for a few weeks and wouldn't be able to take the time off, even if she did have the money to fly back up."
"I know," Emily said with a sigh, and Hanna squeezed her hand.
"I'll try my hardest to be your mom and your friend and everything else you need, okay? I'm going to call Caleb and Toby and see if they can come move your bed downstairs as soon as we get you home," Hanna said.
After the few transfers from wheelchair to car to wheelchair to couch, Hanna and Emily had all but mastered the process. Emily wrapped her arms tightly around Hannah's neck and Hanna slid one arm under Emily's bottom and the other under her back.
Caleb and Toby had jumped on the opportunity to help their friend, and Emily's bed was now in the middle of her living room. Soon after the boys had left, Hanna suggested that she make something to eat for them both. Emily agreed, and waited on the couch while Hanna made their salads.
"I want this to be as normal as possible for you so as much as I want you to relax on the couch, I think we should bring you to the table to eat," Hanna suggested, and Emily agreed. Once Emily was comfortably in her wheelchair, she wheeled herself over to the table and waited for Hanna to serve her.
As the two quietly ate their lunches, Hanna could tell something was bothering her friend and tried to get her to talk. "So what's going on in that head of yours? Do you want to talk about it?" she asked and Emily simply shrugged.
"Em?" Hanna pressed.
"I just hate feeling helpless. I feel completely useless and I just wish I could have my old life back. I don't know how I'm ever going to get used to this," Emily stated, her voice rising until it cracked and her emotions took over.
"Em," Hanna said sympathetically, "you're not useless. You're beautiful and smart and loyal. I wouldn't trade you for the world. I'm going to help you get used to this and I will spend my whole life taking care of you if I have to."
"But I don't want to be taken care of! I just want to take care of myself!" Emily snapped and began to cry.
Hanna got up from her chair and wrapped her arms around her broken friend. "I know Em, and I'm sorry. So, so sorry."
She held Emily there for several minutes until her cries quieted and she met her eyes. "You're okay?" she asked. "I'm okay," Emily responded and Hanna smiled at her.
"I know this is probably the last thing you want to think about right now but we're approaching the 5 hour mark and I think we should probably empty your bladder before we do anything else. Is that okay?" Hanna asked hesitantly.
"Oh. Well I don't really have an option, so.." Emily responded and began to wheel herself to the bathroom. Having to wait for Hanna to lift her out of her chair and onto the toilet just added insult to injury, but once she was seated, Hanna gingerly pulled her sweat pants off and undid the tapes of her diaper.
"Uh Em?" Hanna asked.
"Yeah?"
"So I think your bladder might already be empty..." Hanna trailed off, gesturing to the soaked padding.
"Oh god," Emily said with frustration and embarrassment as she covered her face, "I can't even feel when I piss myself."
"Em it's no big deal. That's why you're wearing it. It's not something you can control at all, and we just need to get you on a set routine. We'll figure it out." Hanna reassured her as she began to clean the girl off.
"But what am I supposed to do if I can't even feel it? How am I ever supposed to know when it happens?" Emily said and Hanna sighed.
"I'm not sure Em, we'll just have to check and make sure you're dry more often, okay? I'm going to do this anyway to make sure you're all empty. I don't want you to get an infection." Hanna tried and Emily nodded.
"I'm sorry Em," Hanna said quietly as she tried to finish up what she was doing.
When she was done, Hanna clumsily rediapered her friend while she was still on the toilet and got her pants back on before transferring her back into her chair. "That's pretty quick and painless don't you think?" she tried and Emily just shrugged. "I'm going to go ahead and set reminders in my phone every four hours so we don't forget to do this and I can check more often to make sure you're dry. Let's just get you back on the couch."
"Do you want to shower before bed?" Hanna asked and Emily, still in her funk from earlier shrugged. "I don't care. You're doing everything else for me, you might as well make decisions for me too," she said sharply.
"Em," Hanna tried, "you're hurt. You need help. It's not like I can just leave you here to take care of yourself. I'm doing everything I can to make this easy and I don't know what I can do differently."
The hurt in Hanna's voice made Emily realize that all of her frustrations had been taken out on her friend and she suddenly felt very guilty. "I'm sorry Hanna," Emily spoke up quietly, "I'm just so frustrated but I shouldn't have snapped at you. You've sacrificed so much for me and I don't even know how to begin to thank you." Emily paused and looked to Hanna for a reaction, happy to see the girl smiling at her.
"I know you don't mean it, Em. I know this is much harder for you than for me and I just want to help. So, what about that shower? I bet it'll make you feel a little nicer," Hanna tried.
Emily nodded, "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Logistic nightmare though."
Hanna quickly pushed Emily into the bathroom and went through the process of taking care of Emily's catheter before doing anything else. When she finished and opened the shower curtain, Emily was surprised to see a shower chair installed and ready to use. "Han? When did that chair get there?" she asked curiously.
"Oh, your mom and I had it put in while you were still in the hospital. Figured it'd make our lives a lot easier once you were here," Hanna explained.
"Wow, thank you," Emily said sincerely and Hanna smiled as she started to undress her friend, "Of course."
Once Emily was undressed and Hanna helped transfer her into the shower, they had to tackle the process of cleaning her off for the first time outside of the hospital sponge baths. As much as Emily wanted to take care of this sort of thing on her own, she was slowly learning that privacy was a luxury of the past and that she needed to forget about modesty and focus on realistic ways to take care of necessities.
"Can I at least wash my hair? There's nothing wrong with my arms anyway," Emily asked suddenly which surprised Hanna.
"I know there's nothing wrong with your arms but the doctor said not to over exert yourself. I think you should just let me do this for now. You just came home this morning," Hanna explained and Emily sighed but nodded. "I think it'll only be a matter of time before you can do this entirely on your own though," Hanna tried.
Hanna started the water and washed Emily's upper body quickly but thoroughly before washing the girl's legs and clumsily cleaning her bottom with her in the chair. She took her time washing Emily's long dark hair and massaging her scalp before she turned off the water and began the long process of drying the girl off and getting her back into her wheelchair, leaving a towel wrapped around her until she could lay her down on her bed and dress her that way.
She let Emily brush her own teeth before she pushed her back to the living room turned bedroom and helped her onto her side in bed so she could easily get a diaper under her before putting her pajamas on. She tucked the girl in before crawling into the bed next to her, and they both fell asleep quickly.
When Hanna's alarm reminder went off a few hours later, she gently woke Emily up but decided to take care of it right there in bed rather than dragging the girl to the bathroom. She went to grab all of the supplies she would need, and did the exact same things she had done the first time while Emily was still on a bed in the hospital with a catch container instead. Emily was only half awake during the whole process, and had fallen back asleep before Hanna had cleaned up and gotten back into bed.
The next time Hanna's alarm went off, she decided it was time to start her day anyway and went to shower before coming back to wake up her friend.
"Good morning Em," she said as she gently shook the girl awake, "how're you feeling?"
"Like I'm paralyzed from the waist down. You know, the normal," Emily snarked and Hanna just shook her head.
"It's pee time," Hanna said as she tried to lighten the mood, "Want to do it here or in the bathroom?"
"Here is fine," Emily said and Hanna nodded and began the all too familiar process.
When she was finished, she got Emily dressed into some more sweats and a soft t-shirt before helping her into her chair and making their way to the kitchen.
"What do you want for breakfast?" Hanna asked and Emily began to think.
"Honestly, I could really go for some super unhealthy, greasy bacon," Emily said.
"Then super unhealthy, greasy bacon it is. I'll make some eggs too," Hanna said, making her way around the kitchen. "Oh and Em?" she said, "I think Aria and Spencer wanted to come over for a little while this morning. They should be here sometime after 8."
"Oh, okay. It's been a few days since I've seen them," Emily responded quickly as she waited for breakfast.
The four girls found themselves at the dining room table catching up on boy talk, family drama and college decisions. Emily couldn't help but wonder whether or not she could even go to college now, but decided not to dwell on it right now.
As their conversations carried on, Emily enjoyed the feeling of normalcy being surrounded by her best friends and talking about normal life things. It was the first time in months that the focus wasn't on her injury.
Aria suggested that they watch a movie and they all made their way to the living room. Even with Emily's bed in the room, the girls found room for themselves on the couch. Hanna set up the tv before helping Emily onto the couch and sitting down herself.
About an hour into the movie, Emily's bubble of relaxing happiness was burst as she started to feel a bit weird. Not super light headed, but still dizzy, and not like she was going to be sick, but still nauseous, sweaty and uneasy. She kept it to herself and tried to ignore the feeling so her friends wouldn't worry about her.
It only took about another ten minutes for Emily to realize why she had felt so uncomfortable. She knew the smell from the frequent accidents that she had had during her time in the hospital and was mortified that it had happened in front of her friends this time. It's one thing to tell a nurse, especially when they often recognized the problem before she did, and completely different to have to tell your best friends.
It took Emily a few moments to convince herself that she had to say something. "Hanna," she all but whispered.
"What's up Em?" Hanna answered quite loudly, catching the attention of both Spencer and Aria.
"I...uh...we...we need to go to the bathroom," she responded almost inaudibly.
As much as Emily loved Hanna and her big, loud self, this was one of the times she really wished the girl could quietly talk to her but Hanna didn't seem to worry about making the situation known to their friends. "What do you mean? We should have at least an hour before we have to worry about that," she said, pulling out her phone to check the time.
"Hanna," Emily pleaded. "I really need you to take me right now. Please Han," she finished as the tears started.
On the other end of the couch, Spencer and Aria exchanged confused and concerned looks. "Hanna," Spencer started when the girl didn't move to help Emily up, "I think you ought to take her to the bathroom now. She's obviously trying to tell you something." "Yeah Han," Aria added, "Something is definitely bothering her."
Hanna looked guilty once she realized how upset Emily had become. "I'm sorry Em, I didn't realize. What's going on?"
"I just... I need to get changed okay," Emily tried to explain, just in time for her friends to catch a whiff of her problem.
"Oh. Ohhh," Hanna said as she came to a realization. "Okay Em, no big deal. Let me just get your chair and we'll take care of this," she said calmly as she squeezed Emily's hand.
"Do you want a hand Hanna?" Spencer offered as she sat up on the edge of the couch before moving to stand.
"Thanks Spence," Hanna said as she rolled Emily's chair over, "But I think it might be mildly less embarrassing for Em if I just take care of this myself."
Aria said nothing until she had scooted over to wrap a comforting arm around Emily's shoulders. "Hey, there's no need to be so upset Em. It's not a big deal at all," she tried as she rubbed the girl's shoulder. "We all know that this isn't your fault, okay? Here, let's get you in your chair and Hanna will take care of this, no problem," Aria said as she helped Hanna to gently lift Emily into her chair.
"Actually guys, I think it might be easier to take care of this here on Emily's bed. Would you mind..." Hanna trailed off.
"Of course Han, I need to call Toby anyway. I'll be outside," Spencer said as she moved towards the door. "Yeah, I think Ezra was trying to reach me a little earlier. I'll see what he wants," Aria added as she followed Spencer out.
Hanna quickly transferred Emily back out of her chair and onto her side on her bed. "I'm just going to go grab some things real quick Em, I'll be right back," Hanna said before running to the bathroom to grab some cleaning supplies. When she came back, she laid some bed pads out to protect Emily's blankets before removing the girl's pants.
When it came time to open Emily's diaper, Hanna rubbed her side reassuringly. "I'll be done in just a second Em, don't worry." Hanna thoroughly wiped Emily clean before getting the girl's attention once again. "Hey Em," she said, "since we're already here and it's about time anyway, I think we should go ahead and take care of your bowel program now. Is that okay?"
After receiving a subtle nob from the other girl, Hanna went to grab her gloves and Emily's suppositories from the bathroom. Hanna started to stimulate the girl right away since she was in position, and gave her the suppository before putting a bed pan underneath her. "Hey, are you feeling okay, Em?" she asked as she took off her gloves.
"I felt pretty bad right before that happened but I didn't know why and I feel okay now. Why?" Emily responded.
"Your stool is a bit loose. I think maybe you have an upset stomach and that's why this happened. We're going to have to watch your diet a little bit better," Hanna said.
Emily looked up at her. At least she wasn't super embarrassed talking about this so intimately with her friend anymore, she thought before she smirked and shook her head, "So no more super unhealthy, greasy bacon?"
"No more super unhealthy, greasy bacon. Sorry Em," Hanna said playfully. "I'm just to go let Spence and Aria know it's going to be a few minutes. I'll be back in a second."
When Hanna came back to Emily's bedside, she put on another pair of gloves and stimulated her every few minutes for about a half hour before deciding she was done. She quickly took care of Emily's bladder as well after she had cleaned her up again, and once she had Emily in a fresh diaper, she helped her back into her chair and then wheeled her over to help her back onto the couch.
With Emily finally taken care of and comfortably on the couch, Hanna went out to the porch to see Spencer and Aria.
"Hey guys," she said, "thanks for being so cool about that whole thing. Emily is having a really hard time adjusting to that aspect of things."
Aria nodded, "I hate how embarrassed she is. I mean, she was in tears about something she had no control over. I mean she can't even feel it."
Spencer nodded as well and continued, "I can't even imagine how she feels though. She has absolutely no control over something so simple. That's got to be really hard for her."
"It really is," Hanna agreed, "but I really hope that one day she'll be used to it. Her whole life is completely flipped upside down and I don't think anyone really knows how to handle that."
"At least she still has us," Aria pointed out.
"At least she still has us," Spencer agreed.