A/N: Hey everyone I'd like to say hello. NeonPartyDude here to give you an alternate twist on the Family Guy episode with Brian and Stewie in the bank vault. Ok I'm changing a lot of things. First Brian only ever had a relationship with three people. Lois, Dylan's mom but he was shit faced drunk when it happened. And then Jillian who broke up with him got married and moved away. So with the exposition and set up out of the way lets have fun!
Quahog Rhode Island third person's POV
It's yet another day in Quahog Stewie is extra excited however. Right now he and his best friend Brian are going to his private bank box.
Stewie says, "I never knew you had one of these Brian. What you got stashed here a bone?"
Stewie laughs at his joke while Brain gives a mild smile. Brian thinks 'I'll miss that mild humor you have Stewie.'
Brian pops open his bank box to pull our four things. One is an old first edition that was signed by the original Author in 1962.
Worth about roughly nine grand, the next a bottle of fine wine from Italy dated a few hundred years old.
Next came Brian first collar it's a torn rope collar. But one he had too many memories with to simply throw away.
And lastly a revolver with the words 'peaceful rest' on the side.
Stewie sees the gun an asks "Brian why do you have a gun here? And what are you going to do with it?"
Brian sighs to say, "I came here to have a sit down with myself Stewie. I planned to write my last words and will. Then kill myself in the park today.
"I didn't take into account you'd be with me."
Stewie asks, "Why the bloody hell would you do that? Have you being smoking too much pot again?"
Brian answers "No Stewie I'm just sick of this pathetic game of my life. I'm... no one truly cares about me Stewie.
"Remember when I hit that dog all the things everyone said. Then the city putting me in jail because I drank at a fountain. Everyone sees me as an animal and not a socially conscious being.
"I came to check out my stuff leave a short will. And then end it all. My life has been down the crapper ever since that time I married Lois.
"I had a family with a caring wife, a great job, and was doing great for all of you. Then Peter found his way back and I end up emotional wreck and alone. Which led me to Jillian and we both know how that turned out.
"No one wants me around hell Quagmire of all people sees me as a scumbag. And he's a thousand women a month man whore.
"He calls me a bore and practical accuses me of trying to sleep with Lois as a pathetic ass. Even though he sexually assaulted her in that bowling alley's bathroom.
"The point I'm getting at Stewie is that no one cares about me. That's why in my will all my stuff would be left to you.
"I would have left the wine, this autographed first edition, my car, and savings all to you.
"You're my closet friend Stewie and for a long time you were the only one to keep me sane.
"But now it's my only hope they at least bury me under a tree."
Stewie hops up on the table and slaps Brian clean across the face. Grabbing Brian by the collar Stewie shouts, "You are not going to kill yourself!
"One it's because I care too much to see you pull that trigger. And two is cause you aren't leaving me alone with that family."
Stewie hugs Brian to say "Please Brain hear me out before you really go through with this."
In the car Stewie flips on the radio Queen's song Under Pressure plays. Stopping the car in the parking area Brian sighs.
In the passenger seat Stewie says "Ok Brian before you really do this listen to me and only me. Cause I speaking to reason with your better half.
"Brian when you were my step father I felt like we had more of a connection. And my life was great that fat idiot was causing problems around every corner.
"I love you Brian as a son would his real father. Because to me you will always be my real father so as your son I ask you to not leave me."
Brian sees Stewie's watery eyes to look down into his lap.
Brian sighs to ask "But Stewie I'm so lonely. Every time I date someone Peter..." Stewie cuts off Brian by saying "That's it!"
Brian raises an eyebrow to have Stewie say "Brian think about it Lois was the best thing for you. But once the fat man came back she forgot all about the good you did.
"Brian the only way you'll be happy again is if we get rid of Peter."
Brian says, "Stewie he gave me this life. I would still be on the street if..." Stewie gives Brian's arm a swat to stop him.
Stewie says "And that's why Quagmire says shit to you. You keep second-guessing yourself Brain. You are a dog dogs dominate in a house. That fat bastard has cast you too much and you have countless times raised your neck for him.
"But not this time... This time Brian McFarlane get's what he deserves. A family that will love him and not treat him like a pet or unused condom on someone's nightstand.
"Brian I want to tell you this now I'm not a infant."
Brian says, "Well I assumed you were older at least four by now." Stewie shakes his head to answer "No I'm legally eighteen."
Before Brian could ask Stewie says, "Remember all the time jumping and chemicals I've been exposed to over the years.
"They've taken affect on my body. Resulting in a form of aging that causes me to being super intelligent even my bone marrow and internal organs can show its true.
" Hell even my penis is the size it would be if I was eighteen.
"But most of all right now Brian my love for you is also sexual too. I want you to know that cause I'm technically legal. So I propose a plan to get us both what we want."
Brian says, "Apart of me doesn't feel too comfortable with this Stewie. Plus I don't think I can love you that way."
Stewie says, "Then hear my plan out Brian and if you agree you get a lot of added benefits too.
"Ok we'll cause Federal charges to be placed on the fat man and pervert. While the pervert is out you'll take possession of some of his toys. And yes will clean them in hot water and anti agents.
"While Peter is out I'll use my dimensional device and turn Lois and Meg into their sexy alternate world counter parts."
Brian asks "What about Chris won't he get suspicious of all this?"
Stewie shakes his head answering "Not if he willingly goes to the Navy in two months after he gets out of high school. And with that you have three holes to screw all you want.
"I get some too from time to time. And you stay alive with a happy family."
Brian asks, "Won't Lois try to bail Peter out?" Shakes his head responding with "Not after I used my mind control devise and you plant a few wanted messages into her head."
Brian smirks all this is so evil that he can't pass it up. Maybe Stewie evil finally rubbed off on him. Brian says, "Ok Stewie I agree its time this family turns out right.
"So um by get some what do you me?"
Stewie says "Oh you fuck me from time to time of course. We'll play around yes but I won't do anything your not ok with."
Brian rubs the back of his head slightly blushing. Brian asks, "Stewie have you measured yourself?"
Stewie answers, "I sure have Bri limp I'm seven inches and hard I'm nine. But not to worry I have a device back home that'll help you feel more at ease down below the belt.
"Now lets go the sooner we get ridge of our problems. The sooner we can be a happy family again."
Brian smiles widely to lean over and kiss Stewie's head and rub his cheek affectionately.
Brian says, "I love you son."
Stewie says "I love you too dad."
Well hoped you liked it and if you didn't well I don't care. Drop me a review and some other fun stuff. I'll see you all later!