Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order SVU or any of its characters.
A/N: This story takes place some time after Rapist Anonymous (but she didn't run to the casino afterwards) but in an alternate reality where the events in Deadly Ambition (Kim frames Amanda) never occurred, however, American Disgrace did (Amanda goes down to Georgia). I know I'm messing with the timeline a lot but this is what Fanfiction is about right, to have fun with the already established ideas.
It was an usually quiet Friday afternoon at the one six precinct. The team's caseload was light and they had just finished up two domestic violence cases that week. The several previous days had taken a toll on all of their energies and in the home stretch to the weekend it was starting to become apparent.
"Alright guys, I know you're all tired and deserve more rest than you'll be getting this weekend" Cragen's strong voice carried throughout the squad room, gaining his detectives' full attention "but unfortunately we still have some work to do" he explained as he held up some of his own paperwork to finish. The elder man man looked at his watch noting that it read half past twelve "however, if we get no new cases and you finish all of your DD5s before four" he smiled as he gauged his employees' faces "everyone can go home early"
"Alright Cap" Fin exclaimed excitedly, gaining a second wind at this news "If that's my motivation I can have these puppies done by three thirty" he said leaning in his chair as he rubbed his hands together in preparation to jumping into his work load.
"Wow Fin" Amanda said as she looked her partner up and down laughing at his antics "if only you put that much effort into your work everyday maybe Barba would stop complaining about all the paperwork we owe him for his court cases"
"It's all about incentives Rollins" Fin answered back "Barba has nothing to offer me, and I'm not afraid of that little man" he chuckled to himself. He always liked to jeer at his colleges, especially in the area's he knows bug them the most "as long as he gets what he needs before the trail actually begins, I see no problem"
At his words Olivia walked behind the dark skinned detective and slightly slapped the back of his head "you should treat all of your cases with respect, Fin" she chided as she retook her seat at her desk "besides, I think Barba's bite is worse than his bark" he added joining into the joke.
"Enough horse playing or no one's going home early" Cargen said from within his open office. He had heard the light banter his officers were throwing around and didn't mind it too much, however, he also knew that if he didn't keep them inline the DD5s would never be finished on time.
The SVU detectives worked diligently for hours. They all wanted to make their four o'clock deadline. None of them had been able to go home early, for a good reason at least, since the year before. It was nearing 3:20 and Amanda had just finished the last of her paperwork, instead of gloating to her still working partners she decided to take a bathroom break instead. The blonde detective had always made a point to be on top of her DD5s, unlike her older partner. She felt that she owed her team and her captain so much, especially after her addiction came to light, that she was determined to always put her best foot forward in all of her work, and she hated herself when her mistakes caused her to appear weak or immature in front of them.
"Manhattan SVU" Fin said answering the phone on his partner's desk as he noticed the young blonde's departure not more than a minute earlier "No, she actually just stepped out for a moment would you like me to put you on hold" he asked the person on the other line. He waited for their response and nodded his head in suspicion after hearing their request "alright I'll give her your message" he replied after hanging up the phone.
"We got a case?" Olivia asked not sure what to make of her long time friend's reaction to the call.
"Nah" Fin said as he sat back in his chair and picked up his pen to twirl it around his fingers "it was for Manda, someone from Atlanta wanted to talk to her, but gave me the message instead"
"Is there trouble down south?" Olivia questioned as she noticed Amanda rejoining them. The elder woman could only imagine how hard it was for Amanda to leave everything she knew behind and move to New York city. A city where she had no connections, Olivia always wondered if it was just the amazing job opportunity that drew the blonde to the big city or if she was running from something back home. Her thoughts wandered to the confession Amanda had given her about something happening on the job, that it was part of the reason she had to leave. Now the brunette wished she could have inquired about that sooner, when their working relationship wasn't as tense as it was now.
"What do mean trouble down south?" Amanda asked as she sat at her desk "did I miss something"
"Ya actually you did" Fin began to explain "you got a call from a deputy chief Patton" neither Olivia or Fin noticed the sudden shiver that ran down the blonde detective's spine or how she instantly became more tense as that man's name was spoken "he told me to give you the message he'll be coming up to visit New York in a month for a conference, and that you and him need to grab a drink for old time's sake" the elder detective said as he prepared himself to give the strange part of the message "he also said that it was useless to make any excuses because you know he doesn't take no for an answer"
This time Olivia and Fin did notice Amanda's reaction. She pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows. She tried her best to keep in her emotions. The last thing she wanted was the whole squad finding out about her stupid mistakes from her past. Amanda swallowed slightly and took her time to ensure that her voice would not falter "I can't believe he would say that" she lied with a small but forced chuckle. She knew exactly why he would say that... because he meant it.
"So it's not strange for a deputy chief to call one of his former detectives and hit her up for a drink down in Atlanta" Olivia said trying to figure out the strange vibes she was getting from the blonde before her.
"Well yes and no" Amanda tried to explain. She just wanted to end this conversation as soon as possible, just thinking about Atlanta made her want to hit the card tables, but she vowed to never do that again. She couldn't blow her second chance with Cargen, this job was all she had left "you got to remember that Atlanta was a boys club, heavy on the club part, and the brass would often go for drinks with the officers. It wasn't as formal of an operation as it is here in New York" she explained as she took a drink from the bottle water on her desk. She felt the need to wet her throat, it felt like it was closing with every word she spoke "and also Patton was like my mentor, he's the one who brought me up to detective. He likes to claim that he taught me everything I know"
"He taught you everything you know huh" Fin responded "well maybe he could say that then but not anymore. I've taught you more than my fair share" he smiled
"Oh you're so right Fin" Amanda said smirking, feeling a bit more at easy as the topic of conversation was beginning to shift "I don't know how I could ever function as a detective before you told me all about your little games" she finished poking fun at her partner's hobby
"Hey don't knock the games, girl" Fin joked back and started a new round of banter from the group. Amanda participated only ever so often enough to not gain her coworkers attention. The rest of the team finished their paperwork in light moods as they whittled their remaining time away towards their weekend. One by one they finished, Amanda had to make an excuse to refuse an invitation to their usual bar to celebrate the coming weekend. It did not take long for Amanda to be the sole remaining person in sight.
The young blonde detective looked at her watch "only 5:30" she whispered to herself. She was counting down the minutes until her GA meeting began at 8. She didn't trust herself to be able to leave the station and not head to a casino, instead she decided to wait it out there and then head straight to the meeting. She was silently rocking in her chair when she decided her exhaustion was to much to ignore. The past few days were stressful and she hasn't gotten a good night's rest in more than a fortnight. Looking at her watch one last time she decided to catch a nap in the cribs, it would help pass the time and if she was asleep she wasn't gambling.
"That should be enough for today" Cragen said as he leaned back in his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose. The captain of the SVU squad had given his team an early dismissal for their hard work, but at the same time he himself couldn't be afforded such a luxury. The cost of being the one in charge.
He stood tiredly and stretched his aching body as he gathered his things around him. He looked at his watch and realized it was almost 7, "well a late diner as always" he said thinking about the leftover spaghetti he had waiting for him at home.
He was about to walk straight to his car ready to begin the slight relief that would be his weekend, he had plans to go fishing the next day, until he noticed the personal belonging of his blonde detective still on her desk. The seasoned SVU captain looked around the room not seeing anyone in sight. The elder man knew Rollins wouldn't leave the precinct without her coat or purse so he reasoned she must still be near by. What he could not fathom was why his youngest detective would still be there long after everyone else had went home.
After a quick look around the squad room, Cragen determined that the only place Amanda could be was in the cribs. He knocked gently on the door not wanting to risk catching the young blonde in any compromising situations or invading her perceived privacy, he received no answer. The senior officer was about to knock again when he thought he heard a muffled cry from the other side. He instantly began to worry for the young woman "Rollins" he said aloud as he knocked a second time while simultaneously opening the door slowly. "Rollins are you alright?" he questioned again once the door was completely open. When he stepped into the cramped room filled with uncomfortable beds his heart dropped at what he saw.
Amanda laid on the single bunk farthest from the door. She was curled up on her side as she slept with her back pressed against the wall. She was shaking her head from side to side and the captain could see tears falling from her closed eyes. As he walked closer her mumblings became more clear "please stop... help" she said as her hand curled tighter around herself as if she was trying to unconsciously create a safe space for herself "I don't want this, just stop please" she continued to mumble as her body movements began to pick up speed.
Cragen could instantly tell that his youngest detective was in the midst of a terrible nightmare, one in which it seemed she was desperately trying to defend herself. "Rollins wake up" he tried as he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. He knew that it wasn't the best idea to wake a person in the middle of a nightmare, but he couldn't stand to hear her begging for her invisible attacker to stop.
The moment the elder man's hand touched her she became louder in her pleas for help "No stop" she yelled "get off me... it hurts! Stop! It hurts... please somebody help" she was now screaming and the words were terrifying Cragen. He could tell right away what Amanda was living in her hellish dreamscape, and it tormented him. Her arms were now flailing around, she was physically trying to remove the demon within her head. "I won't fight... I won't run away anymore, just stop hurting me" she whimpered, her energy was failing her now.
"Rollins wake up, it's me Cragen" the captain said with a little more force to his words this time "You're safe at the precinct, no one's going to hurt you here" as he finished his last sentence one of the blonde's loose arms sung for his face. He had no time to dodge the blow. Her hand struck him firmly on his mouth, he could taste a metallic substance pooling at the corner of his lips "damn" he said out of reflex. He wasn't made at Amanda, he knew she didn't mean to hit him, but it didn't make a busted lip hurt any less. "Amanda please wake up" he tried again and this time her eyes popped open.
The look of sheer terror on his youngest detective's face caused his sorrow for her to be joined by anger. He knew someone must have hurt her bad to cause this much pain. He was angry and he want to know who he should direct his anger towards.
"Cap... captain" Amanda stuttered out through harsh breaths as she sat up in the bed. Her face was flushed and her heart was almost pounding out of her chest, she knew she looked terrible because she could feel her hair stick to her face in sweaty clumps "what are you doing here? What's going on?" she questioned, her mind still foggy from her nightmare. Her body still in fight or flight mode.
At this point Cragen was now sitting on the bunk, he was waiting for her to regain some of her senses before he would start talking to her. He could tell she was still lost in the fog, he saw how her eyes watched his hand in trepidation as he moved to place it on her leg in comfort. The elder man could see her flinch from his touch and he instantly removed it. "Rollins, you had a nightmare. I was just about to leave when I heard you calling for help" he explained and he saw the color drain from her face "What's going on Rollins, why are you here so late?" he questioned her. With the combination of her nightmare and her being there, he was worried that it wasn't safe for her to go home. He feared one of her old bookies might be bothering her "Is someone threatening you, did anyone hurt you?"
Amanda stayed silent for several moments, she couldn't look her captain in the eyes. She didn't know how to answer his questions without causing him to ask more. She didn't want to be there, she didn't want to have to talk to him and all of this was easy to read from her face. "I... um" she began as she tried to gather her thoughts "I have a GA meeting at 8... um I didn't trust myself to go home early today so I decided to stay here until I could leave for it" she explained. It was easier to tell the truth, well the truth that he already knew about. She hopped that talking about her addiction fueled reasons for still being there would make him forget about her nightmare.
Cragen regarded her answer carefully. There was no reason why he shouldn't believe her, in fact he was proud that she was still taking her program so seriously after the fiasco of her last sponsor "Rollins" he began "if you ever feel like you need to talk about your sobriety, or are in need... you know you can always come to me right" he knew what it was like to fear falling off the wagon, he knew how hard it was to call for help when you're teetering towards that edge.
"I know" Amanda whispered her answer, still unable to make eye contact.
"Did something come up to push you so far? You seemed fine earlier in the day?" Cragen inquired. He wanted to know what triggered her, he knew if he could figure out that then perhaps he could figure out the cause of her extremely vivid nightmare.
"No" a short answer, so obviously a lie.
Rollins, you can trust me" Cragen said gently this time taking her hand in his "I know what it's like, I've been where you are and it's important to recognize that you're not alone in this fight" she finally looked at him, he could see the exhaustion in her features, but most disturbingly he could still see the fear "can you try again, what happened?" he finished with a soft smile. It was at that moment Amanda finally noticed the small amount of blood trailing down her captains lip.
"Oh my God. Did I hit you?" she asked in fear
Cragen wiped the small stain away with ease "I have to say Rollins, you have a mean right hook... even in your sleep" he tried to joke to lighten his detective's mood, but it only did the opposite.
Amanda flung her legs off the bed and went to stand but her legs gave out and she landed on her knees in front of her boss "Oh my God, I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never..." she was cut off in her rant by Cragen helping her up an placing her right next to him on the bunk.
"It's no problem Rollins" he said in a carefree manner "I've had much worse, believe me" he paused again "but, it's not about me right now... what happened to cause all this"
Perhaps it was her guilt or perhaps it was the unbearable weight that had been building on top of her since she left Atalanta, but she finally decided to open up, even if it was only a little "I got a phone call from someone I never wanted to see again" she explained vaguely
"A phone call" Cragen repeated "can you tell me what about" he knew that whoever made this call was probably had a direct connected to her nightmare, to what he thought had happened to his youngest detective.
"It was my..." she paused "my old deputy chief" Cragen bit his lip so as to not interrupt Amanda, but he couldn't stop the surprise from showing on his face "he just called to tell me he would be in town sometime in the future, and that we should have drinks..." she hesitated but something inside her drove her to continue "he said his famous line... that 'he doesn't take no for an answer' and he takes that quite literally" Cragen could see the life drain from Amanda's eyes as she said this. He had no doubt, this man was the person who hurt her so bad.
"Amanda" he began, he used her first name to show that they were talking on a more personal level now "did he hurt you, is that the reason you had such a terrible nightmare..." he paused he felt sick having these words leave his mouth in regards to his young blonde detective, but he had to know "did he rape you?"
Amanda immediately looked away at his question. This was her secret, her sin. The one thing that no one was ever supposed to discover, but here she was, in her precinct after hours having that conversation with her captain of all people. "I... um... well, I" she was having a difficult time answering him "I made some mistakes in my life captain and I need to own up to them. I let things happen and I did other things to protect my family..." she was talking fast with her head down "it's my fault, I'm to blame for the decisions I've made" she paused and finally met her captain's eyes again "and it really doesn't matter now does it" she finished and he could see tears pooling at the corner of Amanda's eyes, tears that the blonde was fighting so desperately to hold back.
"No Amanda" Cragen said firmly, his anger building again. He didn't know what exactly happened but he knew that her deputy chief did wrong by her, he did rape her "you're wrong. It does matter. It matters to me and it should matter to you as well. You are not to blame, not for anything, if you said no than he was wrong no matter the circumstances" he paused to make sure she was still listening to him "if you wanted to come forward now, I will support you one hundred percent and I know the others would too"
She gave him a horrified look "No I can't"
"Okay, Amanda" Cragen said soothingly "it's your call, and I'll support you no matter what"
"I just can't... he made sure I'd have no reputation to hold onto back home even if I tried" Amanda explained "I just can't see him again, because every time we do he tries something"
"Wait" Cragen interrupted her as dread spread throughout his body "is this still happening?" she was silent "please, Amanda, tell me. Is he still finding his ways to get to you" Cragen wouldn't know what to do if he had somehow missed his own detective being assaulted under his watch.
"No... he hasn't followed me up here yet, but it's fair game when I go down south" Cragen could feel his chest tighten at her words
"So when I sent you down there to interview the woman for the Wilkins case..." he couldn't finish his question
"I tried my best to avoid him" she answered truthfully "I was lucky, but I can't be so sure the next time"
"There won't be a next time, Amanda" Cragen responded instantly "I won't let you go down there again" he said with determination
She gave him a sad smile "I can't stay away from there forever you know, I have my mama and sis down there. There are times I'll need to go back"
"Then I'll make sure you take Fin, or Liv... maybe both. But I'm not going to let that man near you again Rollins. I swear. You're not alone in this fight. You have me in your corner... just remember that kid" Cragen finished as he pulled Amanda in for a slight hug and to his surprise she did not fight him in the least but instead embraced him right back.
When they both pulled away Cragen looked at his watch "we still have an hour before your meeting" he began with a warm smile "let me take you out for a bite to eat and then I'll drive you to your group"
"you don't have to do that" Amanda answered quickly, she already owed her captain so much and she didn't want to put him out anymore than she already had
"I know, but I want to" Cragen finished as he stood and reached out his hand to her. Amanda looked at it with a trusting smile and accepted his offer.
A/N: So this is the first chapter of a two-shot, possible three-shot. This idea came to me when I realized that there just aren't many stories involved around any meaningful interactions between Amanda and Cragen. He really saved her but in Home Invasion, and I just wanted to expand on that :) well thanks for reading and look forward to the next chapter soon.