Well, it is finally finished. I just want to say, I have been working on this story for a long time, trying to focus on Twilight's emotional struggle about her feelings... and, of course, about leading her to her sweet happy ending. I want to dedicate this story to a dear friend of mine, who was a true inspiration, and for her support. :) She knows who she is. Let me know if you like the story. Enjoy!
Cold.
It is happening again. I awake from a deep slumber and I find myself in this empty room. I don't remember how, why or when I got here.
I am alone, there is no sign of any doors or windows, and the room is dark and humid. There's a faint source of light somewhere but I can't see it clearly. In its soft rays I can distinguish something like smoke or mist.
My other senses eventually come to me and I attempt to compose myself before I panic. I slowly get back on my feet and try to understand what has happened. I don't attempt to call for help, I know I am alone and no one will hear me. Everything is so familiar…
I have been here before.
While I examine the place with my senses, I gradually come to realize I have been trapped in this place again and again before but I never seem to remember how I got out the previous time, or for that matter, if I ever managed to get out. A familiar wave of terror starts rising in me and I feel completely and utterly helpless. For some reason, I know I am on my own. That no matter how many times I try to call my friends or my family, they will never show up.
My breathing becomes quicker and my breaths shorter. I feel a paralyzing fear taking over me. What is wrong with me? I've never been so scared. I've faced so many difficult situations before. I've faced Nightmare Moon, I've faced Discord, I've even faced Tirek. Something in me always told me I would make it. Then again, I was not alone. My friends were there to fight by my side.
This kind of fear is different. I see no danger, no creatures that want to harm me, yet I feel terrified to the bone. The more I realize I am alone, the more paralyzing the fear becomes. Normally I would use my intellect and magic to find a way out, but as the time passes, I understand that's not the case.
It's not even a matter of escaping. It feels as if the environment around me has a mind of its own, that it expects something from me. It also feels like it's feeding on my fear, that the more agony rises in me, the more real everything gets.
Time passes by so slowly. For minutes that feel like hours, I can only stand still and hear my breathing and heartbeat. Should I just wait until something happens? My mind tells me that nothing will come out of it, yet I feel too numb to do anything else. What else can I do? I am trapped in a damn room.
At some point, despair takes over. I blink hard and feel my eyes burn from the tears. My gaze wanders in this blurry vision and, after a while, it focuses on the faint source of light. I stare at it for several minutes and my mind gets busy on all sorts of thoughts.
I realize I am not so terrified now. I wonder about the light, even if it doesn't hold any significance on getting me out of here. I wonder if approaching it is going to hurt me. I blink a few tears back and I slowly move towards it.
As I walk, I realize the room is way bigger than I imagined. Then I come to understand that I am not really getting any closer to the light. No matter how fast I go, it seems to be so far away. I extend my arm and I run faster as fresh tears form in my eyes. For some undefined reason, reaching the light is the only thing that matters for me now.
But it was no use. I end up falling to my knees out of exhaustion and despair as well. I feel even more distressed and sad than before. In my mind, I cry out for help. I just want to leave that cold and dark place. I just want to feel warmth and comfort. And love…
I want to feel loved.
I raise my gaze to the light again. I keep my eyes half open, just enough to be able to see it. I imagine I look at the sun. I imagine its warm rays embracing me softly and I cherish the moment. I close my eyes and focus my energy on that comforting sensation. That's all that matters for me right now. I will keep that feeling alive in me, even if I never escape this place. The light may be far, but in this moment, it provides me with all I long to feel.
At some point, I realize the light falls too bright and warm on my eyelids. I slowly open my eyes and take a glimpse of the sun.
The warmth has dried my tears but I wipe my face with my hands anyway. I look around and I find I am not in that room anymore. It seems I am standing on a balcony at the castle of Canterlot.
It is very high. The structure seems familiar. I slowly walk towards the edge and reach for the stone bars of the balcony. I run the tips of my fingers on the surface. It feels warm… could this be real?
I ponder on the view for a little longer. Then, a familiar voice breaks the silence and causes me to jump up a bit.
"Twilight?"
I turn around to face the person and my heart skips a bit or two. Princess Celestia is standing at the balcony's doorstep and looks at me, bearing an expression of wonder and concern.
"Are you alright?"
I attempt to speak but no words come out. Instead, a sobbing builds up in my throat and I feel the urge to cry. I pause and try to compose myself while my mind searches for a logical responding to the Princess.
She keeps looking at me with that concerned expression on her face and lets me take my time. I cover my face with my hands, trying to calm myself and shut down that irrational and annoying tendency to be so emotional in her presence. I take a deep breath and raise my gaze.
"I am fine, Princess. At least, I think I am."
"What happened, Twilight?"
"I…"
Should I tell her about the place that I was? What if she thinks I went nuts? Even I am not sure about what I experienced back there. I still don't know what is going on. All I know is, I've never been so scared and sad. And now, I find myself on the Princess' balcony. How can that be?
Princess Celestia approaches me calmly. My eyes follow her and she stops at a short distance, then speaks softly.
"Do not be afraid, dear. Everything is alright now."
The moment she speaks those words, everything melts in me. Every tear, every boundary, and all integrity. I finally understand. It was her that I wanted to see all along, that my mind was in such denial I became my own prisoner.
I know. Dreams do have a strange way to express thoughts and emotions. Why had I not seen that all along? Was I too scared of my mind's games? No. What I was scared of, is the truth behind these images. A truth that I can't change, a truth that is too dangerous to face, and yet, too powerful to ignore.
I can't think anymore. I can no longer hold myself, and the rush of emotions quickly rises from my heart and breaks out in hot tears, washing away all reason. I just stand there, crying silently with my eyes shut tight.
A few moments pass and I feel two hands pulling me softly into a warm embrace. I let myself melt into it, and into that sweet familiar scent. With my face buried in Celestia's neck, I weep softly and she holds me, occasionally caressing my back. Between my sobs, I listen to a few comforting whispers.
"It's alright… I am here now."
She means well, but these words bring even more tears to my eyes. Unable to do anything else, I just let all my sorrow flow. After a few minutes, my sobs eventually die out and we stand hugging in silence. She gently pulls away to look at my face and I automatically look down, thinking that I must look like a mess.
She wipes my face with her fingers and cups my cheeks. I raise my gaze to her and our eyes meet. She smiles at me and I close my eyes after a few seconds. I take a few calm breaths and I speak shortly after.
"Thank you, Princess." My voice is low and a little hoarse due to my sobs.
"No need for that, my dear." She leans closer and guides my gaze to her, placing her hand under my chin. "I will always be here if you need me. Remember?"
Her smile widens and becomes even warmer. I can only lose myself in those gorgeous magenta eyes. She speaks again, in a soft tone.
"Do you feel better?"
I look down and my gaze rises to her several times only for seconds, as I speak.
"I feel… so happy to see you…"
At those words, her smile warms up, revealing her perfectly beautiful denture. I stammer as my words carry on, trying to outrun my building sobs.
"…which makes me feel even sadder to know you are not really here."
Her expression turns into that of surprise and confusion, then into concern. She attempts to speak but I cup her face and place my thumbs on her lips. I look at her as my vision begins to blur again, and the words flow on their own.
"You are… the sun of my life… so beautiful… so warm… yet so far away. I cherish what you have given me. I long for you… but that's all I will ever do."
My voice cracks as I shut my eyes and place my forehead on hers, softly caressing her face with shaking hands.
"You are in my dreams… but that's were you will ever be with me. How can I ever tell you what you mean to me?"
"Twilight…"
"I need you… every day… but you cannot always be here… and I don't know what's worse… the thought of asking too much of you, or the fact that you could never feel the same way?"
I raise my gaze and look deeply in her eyes as hot, salty tears decorate my face again.
"How could I ever raise my eyes on you… and not get burnt?"
Her painfully saddened expression is the last thing I see before closing my eyes and leaning in a soft but longing kiss, sealing her lips as if I drink in her life. My senses slow down and it feels like the whole dream pulses in my head.
Our lips part slowly and I bury my face in the crook of her neck as my arms tighten around her. For a moment, I feel I am exactly where I want to be.
I wish this was real. I wish I didn't have to pretend around Princess Celestia and my friends anymore. I wish I wasn't afraid. I am afraid…
Then, I gradually sense the dream is about to end. I desperately try to keep it alive as long as I can, desperately holding onto the scene. I sense the world around me crumble down, knowing my turn is coming soon, but I hold the Princess tightly, until the last moment.
I finally sense the floor crumble under my feet and it feels as if I am being vacuumed away from the scenery, away from her embrace, back into that lonely place. Everything slowly fades away into blackness and I feel empty…
It's dark…
Cold.
Everything is quiet now. Even the pulse in my head is silenced. My senses slowly come back to me and I understand the dream is over. I remember each and every detail so vividly, though it feels as if it's been hours since it ended.
My eyelids feel so heavy. I open my eyes and look at the familiar scenery of my room. My gaze falls on the open balcony door. It's still night time. The moonlight fills the sky and it's not dark at all. I find that lying down like this provides me with a perfect view of the moon outside. It seems so bright, yet, its dim light is soothing. Now, images of the faint source of light come in my mind again.
I slightly sit up on the side and take a deep breath while rubbing my eyes. I look down on my pillow and realize it's full of tear stains. I must have been crying for real.
The painful emotions come back in memory and I ponder for several moments. I lie down again and fix my gaze on the moon while I think.
Being awake makes it easier for me to get busy with the gears of my mind, rather than over processing my emotions. Still, logic only makes it worse. I can't just ignore what I feel. How am I going to deal with this? Even if I talked to my friends about it, they would only tell me what I already know. That I need to be honest to myself and to the Princess, that only the truth is going to set me free, no matter the cost.
Easier said than done…
There is no logical solution to this, for one single reason. This is a matter of heart… And only I can find a way to deal with it. Why do these things always need to be done the hard way?
At that thought, I angrily bury my face in my pillow. I stay like that for a while, until I need air again.
I sigh. Everything would be so much easier if I had just stuck to my books, my friends and my duties. I don't need this. I never did. Such sentiments were always like an infection to me…
Then again… it's a sweet infection.
There is no use in troubling my mind any further. It's going to be a long day tomorrow and if I keep this up, I won't get any sleep. I let my imagination take me wherever it longs to, hoping it will ease my troubled mind. I keep my gaze fixed on the moon before the last images of my thoughts drift into a dreamful sleep again.
I wish…
Warmth. I feel the sunlight caressing softly my eyelids as I slowly awake from a deep slumber. I open my eyes and take a glimpse of the sun. Princess Celestia appears in my mind at that instant. I can't help but feel like I did last night. This is getting bothersome.
I have work to do…
The long hours of a day full of tasks pass by and succeed in keeping my mind busy. It has been a long day. Apparently not long enough.
I return to my room and Spike greets me warmly. I barely pay attention to what he says and I mutter a low greeting in response, before heading to my bed.
I fall on the mattress and bury my face in the pillow. The familiar bitter emotions come to my mind again and I immediately sit up and shake my head. I walk towards the window in silence as I watch the rise of the moon in a darkening sky.
Shortly after, the night sky flies above Equestria in all its beautiful glory. My gaze wanders among the stars. I am here again. Left alone to face my fears and my sorrow. Another long night. Another restless slumber.
Another reminder of what I can never have…
I lower my head in bitterness. I sigh and head back to the bed. I climb on it and gather the blanket around me, lying on the side again, facing the window. I hear Spike's voice breaking the silence in a low tone.
"Going to bed already?"
"I had a long day…"
A few moments of silence pass and he speaks again, in a more reserved tone.
"Are you sure you don't wanna talk?"
I sigh.
"Just blow the candle, Spike…"
"Okay…" the room falls dark, dimly lighted by a single ray of moonlight.
"Goodnight, Twilight…"
"Goodnight, Spike."
I hear him exit the room and I am all alone again. I cannot shake this feeling off so I just accept my depression and, defeated, I hopelessly wait for sleep to carry me away as I look towards the window.
I can't tell how much time has passed, unbearably slowly, until the moment a few faint sounds reach my ears. I realize someone is outside my room, having a conversation with Spike.
It is a female voice.
I assume one of my friends is here to check on me.
My mind suggests Applejack. At some point during the day, we kind of had an awkward conversation. She understood something is off about me in these days, but I didn't want to talk about it. I ended up making up lame excuses just to avoid her. Of course, she didn't buy any of it.
Great. Not only have I been hurting myself with these thoughts, now I let my bitterness affect my friends too. She only meant to help me and I shut her out. Me. The Princess of the magic of friendship.
She came all the way to my place, at night, just to clear things out with me. But how am I supposed to face her? What am I going to tell her? The truth?
She has never lied to me… neither should I lie to my friends. I feel fresh tears forming in my eyes. As if this pillow isn't stained enough already. I can't do this…
The sound of the opening door behind me steals my attention but I keep my gaze to the window, trying to compose myself. I wipe some of my tears and remain lied down on my bed.
Spike was apparently trying to stop the visitor from entering my room, explaining that I had a long day and I need some rest, or using other excuses, talking in a low tone. At some point he was cut off silently, possibly by a move of the other person's hand.
He paused for a moment, then I heard him whisper "as you wish," and he quietly closed the door on his way out.
It's the two of us now. No one greets the other. She must be really pissed at me, which makes my heart sink even deeper. I hear slow steps approaching my bed. Without taking my gaze of the window, I manage to speak a few words in a cracking voice.
"I am sorry, Applejack…"
I feel the mattress sink behind me. A hand softly caresses a few tresses of my hair silently. I fight the urge to break in tears as the emotions reveal.
"I am not okay… I should've let you know. There is so much going on in my head right now and I didn't mean…" my voice completely cracks. "I am not okay."
"What is troubling your mind, my dear…?"
My blood freezes the moment I hear that voice.
This is not Applejack…
I slowly turn my gaze to the other side and I lay my eyes on the last person I was expecting to see. Princess Celestia is here. At this hour. This is so absurd.
She smiles at my shocked realization of her presence. I attempt to dry my tears with clumsy moves, then to sit up, though she indicates it is not necessary, placing her hand on my shoulder.
"Princess…? Is everything okay back in Canterlot?"
"Yes, Twilight. Everything is fine," she responds warmly as she puts a strand of hair behind my ear with a gentle move.
"Then… uhm… why are you here?" I ask, trying not to sound bothered by her sudden visit.
"I am here for you."
"Me?" I ask as I blink with wonder.
"Yes," she answers calmly.
For a moment I just stare at her, not sure of how to react, or why she is here in the first place. She caresses my cheek as she continues.
"Twilight… after all we've been through, you shouldn't be so surprised to see me here. I care about you and I want you to be okay… you know that, don't you?"
I blush at her last words. I respond in a reserved tone.
"Yes… but… how did you…" I stammer at every word and I clear my voice in my last attempt. "How did you know I am… troubled?"
She smiles silently, avoiding giving a direct answer to my question. Then, she asks in her always soft voice.
"Why are you so sad, my little princess?"
My mind wanders in a thousand excuses. I can tell my expression has darkened completely but I try to stay calm anyway.
"It's… well… I… guess stress has really gotten into me in these days. You know me," I say and I try to form a convincing smile, completely and utterly failing.
Princess Celestia keeps smiling at me and looks compassionately into my eyes as she responds.
"Yes, Twilight. I know you well enough to tell, that's not it."
I swallow hard as I realize I cannot possibly escape what is coming. She will eventually know. All that tenderness will turn into shock and anger. Our relationship will never be the same after tonight. We will grow apart.
At these thoughts, tears start pouring down my cheeks like rivers. I close my eyes silently and I choke my sobs.
The Princess cups my face with both hands, wiping some of my tears away.
"Twilight, look at me."
I slowly open my eyes, releasing another wave of tears, and our gazes meet. God, those magenta orbs. She looks even more beautiful in the moonlight.
"Do not be afraid of me. I only wish to help you. I would never hurt you…"
Her thumbs caress my face, wiping more tears away.
"You… can't help me…" I manage to say before choking my sobs again.
"What if I could?"
I look at her with hopeless eyes. She gives me an encouraging look, whispering the words "talk to me." I take a deep breath and I close my eyes before delivering the final blow. I mouth the words of my dream as they flash in my memory, in a faint whisper.
"You are in my dreams… but that's where you will ever be with me."
As soon as I finish the sentence, everything feels a hundred times more real in my head. This is actually happening. I am too numb to do or say anything further. Or, to look at her. The seconds of silence pass by like hours.
I feel her hands caressing my face once more, clearing it from tears and strands of hair, then cupping it warmly.
"That is not true. I am here with you now, am I not?"
I humbly raise my gaze on her face again.
"I meant… I-I meant…"
"I know what you meant."
We remain staring at each other's eyes for a few seconds. I take a deep breath and speak in my cracked tone.
"Princess… I know you didn't expect me to… to have these feelings for you… I didn't expect it either. I know how this may seem but... please…" I close my eyes shut as I gather all of my courage to continue. "Please, don't shut me out. I… I never intended to make this your problem. I would never…"
She places a finger on my lips and cuts me off.
"My dearest girl… I would not be here if I intended to shut you out."
"Princess… why are you here in the first place?"
She silently caressed my hair and my face, with a look of affection in her eyes, before responding.
"I am lucky enough to have a sister who cares."
"Princess Luna…? What do you… oh."
My eyes widen at the realization and I freeze for a moment, before continuing.
"She… she told you about my dream…"
"Dreams."
I feel my face burn and I am pretty sure I am more flushed than Fluttershy experiencing stage fright.
"How long does she know? How long do you know?"
"She told me everything this morning. She felt it was for the best, for the both of us. I would've come to you earlier but… I needed time to think. To figure out how to handle it."
"Oh… I see."
She smiled warmly once more. I swallowed hard and asked her in a hesitant tone.
"So… what did you… figure?"
She leans closer, her eyes full of affection, which makes her image even more breath-taking. She gently places her hand under my chin and whispers softly.
"My silly little princess. If only I knew earlier."
She leans deeper and approaches me slowly. Her face is only a breath away when we exchange longing, affectionate gazes for the last time before closing our eyes, just the moment her lips touch mine into a sealing kiss.
I was always under the impression I would be too numb and shocked to react on my first kiss. Instead, it feels as if I am getting back all of my lost energy, even finding new one. I never knew I could feel this way.
My body responds on its own as I wrap my arms around Celestia's neck, drawing her on me. She gently rests her body next to mine and we lie together, embracing and kissing.
After a lingering kiss, our lips part only to meet again and again in lighter, soft kisses. I take a moment to look at her as I caress her face with my fingertips, putting a few colorful tresses behind her ear. I smile widely at her and her face lightens up with more affection. Her soft voice shortly interrupts the silence.
"My glowing sparkle."
"Sun of my life…" I blush as I speak these words out loud for the first time, and Celestia grins at me.
I can't really tell how much time passed while all we did was exchanging kisses and warm smiles. The moonlight filled the room as if it was celebrating our union, adding significantly to the magic of the moment.
We were both admiring its calm beauty when I spoke in a low tone.
"I have to thank your sister sometime."
Celestia chuckled. "It's not like she'll let you forget about it."
I giggled. She placed a kiss on my forehead and I raised my gaze to her.
"It's getting late… I hope I'm not keeping you from…"
She cuts me off with a gentle kiss. Then, she pulls her face only a breath away and caresses my cheek.
"I have no intention of heading back to the castle tonight… if that's okay with you."
I pause for a moment, then my lips form a shy smile.
"I've never… slept with anyone before."
She places a kiss on my temple and speaks affectionately.
"I do not intend to take things fast, if that's your concern… I just wish to have you in my arms tonight."
"I would love that."
We smile at each other once more, then I snuggle on her and bury my face in her embrace, drinking in her sweet scent. Closing my eyes, I whisper softly on her skin.
"I love you so much."
"I love you too, my sweetest joy."
With that last whisper in my ear, I melt with contentment and can't help but feel grateful for the best day of my life. Eventually, I close my eyes and drift into the most peaceful slumber. Safe and sound, in the arms of my beloved Princess.
All the beauty I see
All the beauty I feel
All the beauty in this world
Ain't nothing compared to you...
- All the beauty, Mortal Love