Hello! How are you?
Here is a super lazy fic I wrote a while back. It's cheesy and only just a rough draft, but I enjoy it and I thought you Fem!Bilbo lovers would appreciate it. Meanwhile, when I have time, I will continue to develop "Short and Unique but not Magical" and also some smaller ideas I have. Yeet! (Also note, I like the idea of hobbits needing to eat six meals a day, but they eat really high-calorie foods, which is why they're so fluffy!)
-E-
The moment the dwarves looked at her, she knew this would be a problem.
"Y'know," she said carefully from her pony as the company traveled down the crumbling path. "Second breakfast? It's about time we stopped for another break, I'd think."
Some of the dwarves chuckled while a few grumbled, but she could not understand why. Although Bombur was the only one who perked with interest for a moment, they all moved on to face the road ahead again, continuing on with their stories and games.
"But-but, wait!" She frowned.
"Oh, lassie," Bofur said, coming up to her side. "This'll be no comfortable ride, I'll tell ya that." He smirked good-naturedly at her baffled face. "We'll have lunch after some time, although."
"But that misses second breakfast and elevensies!"
From a few steads away, Kili turned quietly to Fili, but Bella's sharp ears picked up every murmur.
"How much do hobbits eat anyway?"
"Certainly not more than a dwarf, especially since Miss Boggins is a she-hobbit."
"Dunno, but she'll be fine, I'm sure."
Everyone began to ignore her after she pestered about a little more about an early lunch. They just talked louder or tried to change the subject. She pouted for another mile until Gandalf appeared at her side, his beard wagging along with the rhythm of his horse.
"These dwarfs eat roughly the same as men, give or take an extra meal. But, you can expect there to be two to three breaks per day, my dear friend." Gandalf smiled kindly at her sorrowful face. "But, do not think there is nothing to eat in the life of passing forests." From the depths of his robes, he pulled out two yellow apples, which made Bella look twice. Never had apples look so inviting.
This became another routine in their traveling days: Gandalf and Bella would check berry bushes, fruit trees, nut trees, lumpy grounds for vegetables, or bushes for wild barley. Usually, their findings were scarce, but enough for her stomach to focus on the bites of apples or a handful of nuts. It was enough to get by between meals, although she knew her waistline would become pitifully thin within weeks, that her stomach will never be too satisfied until the quest ended: another reason to rejoice when it was all over.
Later next week, after Gandalf helped the hobbit get apples down from a tree - a ginger knock with his staff worked well - Thorin pulled him aside. The dwarf led him away from the hobbit while she ate, his eyebrows furrowed and jaw firm. When he looked up at the wizard, he looked at him through the end of his nose.
"Gandalf," he began tightly, "I do not understand why you are trying to make this trip into a vacation for the burglar. Gentlefolk need to wake up - hobbit, woman, or so forth."
Gandalf frowned. "You do not know much about hobbits, then, Thorin. They have different needs just like any other race, and I was just being a friend. Is that so shameful to do?"
"If she can't adapt on her own, she shouldn't be here." He cast a look at her, seeing the shine of apple juice on her chin. "Besides, she would not hurt shedding some weight."
Gandalf growled before turning away.
-E-
Months later, many things have changed. The dwarves were friendlier, her courage was blossoming, a magic ring was found, and the company was all in one piece. Beorn was especially gracious for lending them ponies, provisions, and bits of fabric to make new cloaks. Bella felt a little more polished wearing a bright red hood, one Beorn gifted her for his 'Little Bunny.' It was a nice thought, a fit upgrade from Balin's spare, tattered one. It swished beside her legs and kept her warm from the chilling wind.
When the company stopped for a break after a few leagues, Bella hopped off her pony, brushed off her dress skirt, and began to survey the area for any trees or bushes to take the growl out of her belly, which was somewhat flat and squishy like the insides of fresh bread. At least she preserved herself so far, especially at Beorn's cabin, eating buttery honey bread while sitting on the giant's knee. It was one of the best things she thought she ever had, whether on his lap or not; it was so good she did not even care if he held her like a pocket pet, which made all of the dwarves on edge for a reason she did not know.
The forests around this area were luscious and ripe - perfect for gathering. She thought she saw a pear tree a little way back. But, before she walked off, a large belly blocked her.
"Hullo, Bombur," she smiled, but then noticed the things in his meaty hands. "What have you got there?"
He beamed down at her as he handed her his loot - a thick slice of bread, slathered in butter and honey. "I've saved some from the shapeshifter's cabin. Kept it in a cloth and the honey-butter in a small jar. Thought you might like to share some with me."
It was simply bread, but, to a hobbit, it touched her heart and made it glow. She sang, "Thank you so much!" then took the bread, sat down next to Bombur, and ate happily, talking happily. All the while, Bombur seemed light-hearted and cheery as they both enjoyed the trickling water of the nearby stream. It played beautiful harp strings, it seemed.
But, the way she had thanked him was a little too noticeable. The other dwarves took quick notice (Thorin pretended to not care) and frowned, the possessiveness in them from Beorn's cabin welling up again. They stopped unloading their supplies and brooded. It was all of their minds: Bella was the company's hobbit, not Bombur's. Many of them - Dwalin, Nori, and Oin especially - threw glares at the fat dwarf, who soaked in the hobbit's sweet company, while Kili, Fili, Ori, and Bofur looked longingly at the scene. But, they all had the same thought: why did he get to receive her praise? Just because of food?
Gandalf laughed quietly to himself, smoking pipe, and said, "It's amazing, really. Hobbits and food… Quite a charming quirk."
"What d'you mean by tha'?" Dori challenged, arms crossed.
His eyes twinkled. "Hobbits value food just as much as or much more than dwarves value gold or jewels. They, in fact, have a great love for food, especially good food, mind you. It's very important to them."
Ori scrambled to jot down this piece of knowledge like it was a lost clue to a puzzle; Balin looked at Bella fondly, being taken by hobbits more and more; and Fili and Kili looked at each other, whispering a plan.
Before they could scramble away and try to take her back, Gandalf added, "They also eat up to six meals a day, and, with the light meals we've had to eat these past months, I can imagine Miss Baggins appreciating a snack or two." A smoke ring. "I believe I saw a berry bush a few paces back."
"Why didn't you say any o' this sooner?" Oin shouted, regretting the annoyance he felt early on the quest. Him, like most of the others, now understood the truth; she was starving this whole time!
They had to do something, they all thought, or else Bombur will get her all to himself - romantically or platonically, they could not have that.
-E-
The first few steps of the growing chaos started with a thoughtful offer of some plump apples. Bella, kneeling down in the bush-covered meadow to look for some wild roots, smiled at the gifts and smiled brighter at Bofur.
"Very nice of you!" she said.
His mustache quirked into a grin as his heart fluttered. The way she looked at him was as if he offered her a pair of ruby earrings. It humbled him in a very endearing way.
Before they could finish their apples, sitting in the meadows and spectating the sparrows diving into bushes for berries, the tall grass behind them rustled. If Bella's ears did not perk up and greeted a pair of dwarves - Dori and Nori - Bofur would not have noticed or cared; his eyes lingered on her perfectly curled hair - golden honey locks draping down her red cloak. But, he only cared about the interruptions when Dori and Nori held out two bowls of pears and unshelled walnuts, one bowl in each of their hands.
"'Ello, Mistress Baggins," Nori said, giving a sly wink at Bofur. "Mind if we share our bounty with you?"
She beamed. "That would be quite lovely! Thank you!"
This sudden surplus of sustenance made her feel at ease and light-hearted, regardless of her sore feet or back. This was like a proper picnic, she thought as she finished up her apple before sampling some nuts. After the dwarves sat down between her and Bofur, who saw right through the dwarves' actions, she tried a pear. It was sweeter than most fruit she usually found.
"These are very good, thanks," she hummed.
"But, of course! One should always enjoy a nice treat every now and then," Dori said, scooting an inch closer to her, which Bofur noticed like it was a candle in the dark. He knew exactly what they were doing.
"Well, laddies," Bofur cleared his throat. "Awful nice of ya to do this, but-"
"Yes, it is, isn't it?" Nori said, popping a walnut into his mouth. "Especially since we pick a whole buncha these so our burglar wouldn't be hungry too soon. Apples aren't nearly as sustainin' as pears and nuts. Right, Bella?"
She swallowed some walnuts and toyed with the apple core in her hand. "Well… it's very nice of you all to think of me, even just a little. It means a lot to me."
They smiled at her, but, the moment she looked up at a pair of young sparrows flying overhead, the dwarves threw warnings at each other.
She's mine. Keep your snacks away from her. Don't do anything you'll regret.
Before Nori could dare to scoot any closer to her - perhaps wrap an arm around her - Ori appeared. The young dwarf smiled down at her timidly and, fiddling with his pen, asked, "Miss Bella? Would you please let me show you something I found? It's not too far from here."
She stood up to meet him (but as the smallest member of the company, she did not reach his eyes.) "Sure thing. And then I'm sure we are to head out again after a little bit. I'm not quite sure what Thorin's planning."
The remembrance of the trail ahead deflated Bofur, Dori, and Nori's hope. Now, they had to wait for another chance to woo Bella. While Ori led her back to camp, the dwarves followed sullenly, thinking of the type of food she would like best. If a hobbit loves food so much, what would be her favorite? That was like trying to figure out a dwarf's most favorite gemstone: impossible.
Ori was about to guide her out of their camp - "That big tree with the honey in it is very easy to reach, and the bees are friendly, so maybe we could get honey for everyone!" - but suddenly Bifur and Balin stepped up, separating them.
"Miss Bella," Balin said fondly, "if I remember correctly, I do have some questions about hobbits still. These things just come up when I thought they'd be done for! Ho ho, oh well. Could you inform me while we sit down for some tea? I've saved some cookies with me."
For a moment, Bella forgot about the honey. "You have cookies?"
Bifur barked in defiance, snapping her out of her small trance, and held up a single fruit: a blushing peach. It looked succulent and almost unreal.
"Oh-oh!" she forcefully smiled. "I, uh, is that for me?"
He nodded, anger leaving him and a smile taking its place. He winked at her and hummed something in dwarvish, but she grew too timid.
"Well, uh, that's very nice of you… and I do fancy a good peach, but, uh…."
Why was everyone acting so strange?
Before Balin could remind her of his stash of cookies - "They're delicious lemon and mint ones!" - before Ori could tug on her sleeve, before Dori and Nori could try to distract her, or before Bofur had the sudden notion to take a big risk and find something delectable for the hobbit - something to sweep her off her furry feet - a shadow veiled them. Day became night. Bella jumped, spun around, and looked up at Dwalin.
"Uh, h-hello."
His face was unreadable, stonier than even Thorin's. This made it dangerous for her to assume anything, like if he was mad or relaxed. Either way, she did not understand what it had to do with her.
"G'day," he said quietly, glancing at the other dwarves. "I need your help."
Everyone stilled.
"Yes?"
Pulling out a small bag from his belt - one smaller than a seed bag - he held it out and said, "I plan to go hunting for dinner tonight and… and I need someone who knows how to season wild boar. This rub is better quality than most and I don't wanna risk doing it just by myself. Wouldn't want to ruin a special occasion."
Surprise clutched her. She refrained from staring and grew a smile instead. "I have not cooked in a long time, and I would surely love to! I know many techniques from home, so I'm sure I could make a great meal out of it."
Still unreadable, he nodded. "It's settled then." He threw an evil grin at the others while Bella began to ramble about the last few times she cooked meat for a backyard dinner party.
Dwalin just got to share a special meal with her - and prepare it with her, for good measure - in such a simple fashion that it irked all of them, even if they know they would have some too. He will be the one she will focus on for the rest of the night, dressing and cooking the beast together.
"That's dirty playin' right there," Bofur muttered, then decided to make better of the situation by finishing his risky idea, whatever that item may be. He slipped away while the others tried to get her attention again, but Dwalin, with his stance wide, blocked them as if they were invisible to him.
Bella narrated a story. "After that incident, I've learned not to add the dry spiced after, not first. That way they soak in with the liquid without spilling off. Later that week, I applied this detail and it made Daisy Bracegirdle fall out of her chair! And you wouldn't believe the look on my other cousin's face when she found out that it was her own recipe improved by me. She thought I used some magical rub on it!" She laughed. "It only made the feud worse, although. I think that dinner party just kicked the bee's nest, but-"
"Oh, Bella!"
From a side where Dwalin could not block, Bombur waddled up to them with a rosy smile and a neatly fashioned beard - an unusual thing. He carried a slab of cheese and a small knife, but also a small bottle of wine. How he got them, no one knew.
"I'm feeling generous today," he said in a polished tone and offered her a slice and a sip. "Perhaps we can enjoy this and go see if we can-"
Dwalin cleared his throat, throwing a glare, his buff arms crossing and tightening like a restrained beast in cuffs. "What were you sayin', Bombur?"
The other dwarves were intimidated, yet Bombur seemed unfazed by that. He smirked, confidence sparkling in his dark eyes. "I was sharing my goodies with another who seemed to get me as a food critic. She truly understands me on a higher, tasteful level."
Bella giggled, but declined; hope spiked back into the others' hearts. "Thank you, my friend, but I have an idea if you are willing." She explained to him the special plan for dinner, which he seemed intrigued, but less so that it was Dwalin's idea.
"Imagine what marinated, seasoned pork with melted cheese would taste like…." She sighed. "That would be absolutely heavenly!"
"Cheese and pork?" Bombur mused. "Fascinating. Over dinner, you'll have to inform me more of hobbit recipes."
She seemed flattered - "Oh, I'd love too!" - and suddenly the other dwarves realized appallingly that Bombur was playing his cards right. How long had he been this close to her? How much wooing had he done during their travels?
She went on about the feud-making recipes. Meanwhile, Dwalin and Bombur took a moment to throw looks at each other like two alpha's looking for a battle, one without swords or words; social tactics were key. They were too busy glaring to notice the others creeping up on Bella or the small rustling in the bushes.
"Can you please come with me to the big tree over there, please?"
"There's still more pears and walnuts left!"
"Those cookies are gonna go stale and I can't finish s'many at once."
Bella laughed nervously, stepping away to a comfortable distance, but they seemed to sway toward her. "You're all very nice! Really! It amazes me what I have done to deserve such thought from all of you, but, uh-"
Suddenly, her arms were seized and the ground disappeared. Air picked up her locks. She gasped, seeing the dwarves growl and curse, and looked frantically at her captors.
"Fili! Kili!" she squeaked. "What are you two doing? Put me down!"
The campsite vanished and only bushes and tall grass were in her sight. The two young dwarves carried her off, running away like lunatics before any dwarf could hunt after them.
"Don't worry, auntie Boggins," Kili assured. "We're just getting away from that noise. Can't imagine why they're all actin' so funny."
"W-well, I can't either, but-"
Suddenly, her rump felt a smooth log, the barky ground beneath her feet again. She blinked at the sudden change of scenery - a greenlit clearing with tree stumps and fallen logs - and suddenly noticed Thorin sitting across from her on his own log, a stump between them like a table.
"Oh, hello, Thorin."
He glanced up from his map, then nodded.
Fili and Kili set something on the table that made Bella look twice: a sheet of wood piled high with assorted berries, roots, and sliced apples. These were all things she could easily find, but the presentation was appetizing. The apple slices, with dark skin and white flesh, were stacked like logs; the piles of berries swirled together in an art piece; and the roots were peeled and displayed with care. It looked more like a painting than a snack platter.
Bella laughed. "You two are funny dwarves."
They both shrugged, sandwiched her between them, and began to dig in.
"There's so much here that neither of us or Thorin could finish, so why not find a fourth party?" Fili said, tucking an apple slice in his cheek. "Besides, it would be a waste not to finish this."
Thorin said nothing, knowing that he and his nephews could easily finish the plate, but looked down at his map. He tried to keep his head down, trying to push the hobbit out of his thoughts (which he cursed his nephews for only making it worse.) It was hard, although. Her curls and her glowing cheeks seemed to absorb his eyes every other blink. But, soon, she noticed his lingering eyes and retracted her hand from sampling any more berries.
She cleared her throat. "So, uh, how many leagues until we reach Mirkwood? We were all wondering."
"Oh, plenty of them," Kili said. "But, don't you worry none, auntie. We'll make sure to get enough snacks for you and everyone. Mirkwood's a dead land, so I've heard."
"You really don't have to, for me at least. I can find things my own. I have done pretty well so far, anyhow."
"Of course," Fili said, "but should you have to worry about that? Kili and I just love picking berries and such, so just let us take care of it."
Thorin searched him for a second, seeing right through them, but darted his eye way when Bella half-frowned.
"You really truly don't need too, even though it is very sweet of you two to think about me." She shifted in her seat and felt squished between the dwarves. "I just don't understand why you and the others are acting so strange. It's like… well, that's most likely false, but…."
Fili and Kili belched and cried, "Don't worry 'bout it!"
"Well…."
"Seriously," Kili said, "it's probably nothin'. Just dwarf hormones or somethin'. We get them all the time, y'know. Especially older dwarves, haven't you noticed?"
Thorin suppressed his growl when his nephews winked at him.
Bella bit her lip. "But, it's foolish to think nothing is different. Maybe it's because of dwarf customs or something. There's still a lot I don't know! But, maybe it's because of our encounter with Beorn. You all were acting strange then too."
They looked away from her, Kili murmuring, "He was a weird fellow, that Beorn. Didn't know how to keep his hands to himself, y'know?"
She continued theorizing. "Maybe it's… well, I'm not sure about that either. But, maybe we are heading closer to the Lonely Mountain… We are getting closer… or something to do with… Maybe it's because..." Her face sunk.
Fili quickly wiped his berry-stained mouth and wrapped an arm around her. "Auntie?"
Her hands folded over her lap, eyes downcast. "Wh-what if… what if it's because I'm going to eventually go inside the mountain. Y'know, like be near that dragon, Smaug, and…." She swallowed.
"Yes?" Kili asked and wrapped his arm around her too. Now, her shoulders sunk from the large, beefy arms.
Shuttering, she said, "What if they think I'm for certain going to… y'know. So-so they're trying to-"
"Bella."
She looked up and saw Thorin kneeling in front of her. Her breath stiffened.
"Bella," he began. "We value you as a member of this company. You have shown yourself to be capable, so our fears lessened over time." He licked his lips nervously, but forced himself to look into her hazel eyes. "Gandalf wouldn't have chosen you if you couldn't do it. He's a strange one, but I trust his judgment in burglars."
Covering her mouth, she looked away. It was only after some time that she said softly, "Thank you, Thorin, Fili, Kili." She smiled, but could not hold their eyes. "Thank you, really."
-E-
The company moved on. Ponies clopped their hooves on the grassy, rocky ground, neighing at each other playfully while the dwarves - mostly Bombur and Dwalin - exchanged suspicious glances. While Bella rode beside Gandalf and Durin's descendants, they did not stop from following close behind, close enough to heard Bella tell a story, but not enough to hear Thorin's protective growl.
Dwalin, who felt like he needed to challenge Bombur - the immediate dwarf threatening his courtship with Bella - walked beside him.
"So, gettin' rather arrogant, are we?" Dwalin smiled. "Just because she likes your snacks doesn't mean nothin'."
Bombur dropped his voice. "Jealous, eh? I wouldn't be surprised."
"Jealous?" he scoffed. "I'm more jealous of Beorn when he got to cuddle -" he cleared his throat "- I'm not jealous, especially not of you. You're too short and fat for a dwarf."
"Exactly." His dark eyes twinkled, double-chin swelling as he grinned. "Everything that attracts a hobbit."
For a moment, the soft chatter around them died off. Dwalin, as well as half of the company, gawked at him. His tactics were worse than any of them thought.
"From her description of good-looks for hobbit standards, I'm a bombshell!" He chuckled.
Dwalin simmered as he trailed to the back of the company, seething and gripping his pony's lead. If Bombur was going to play that way, he had to step up his game, he thought.
-E-
I don't know, I just thought this was cute! Definitely an indulgent fic, I guess. Oh well. Have a golly good day!