So I was feeling a bit depressed a week ago, and this page of sadness was born.
Disclaimer: Don't own it
"You need to learn to take a joke"
"Pearl, you know better than that."
"You should have done better."
I shook the thoughts from my mind and slammed the door closed. For the past decade I've been perfecting myself for the others, building myself to help them, bending my every whim, thought and action to help them. Giving up myself, for them. I'm done. I'm done trying to be perfect when all I get in return is garbage. Garnet is always worried about Amethyst being left out, not getting enough credit, everyone always asks about the two of them. All the time!
And when I do step up and do things well, what do I get? I get called a suck up, goody two shoes, a smart ass, the list goes on and on. Even little Steven is starting to pick up on the behavior. Its hard for me to blame him, he's just imitating what he sees.
The gentle flowing water in my room was only registering as a raging current, ready to strike. I selected one of my sharpest swords, and began doing something I hadn't done in a long time.
I cut my arm. It wasn't at all a new habit, but a few years before Rose died, she helped me stop, and I did. Every now and again, I'd consider it, but usually it just wouldn't sound appealing, or I'd do it, but after a couple light strokes the pain would just register as too much and I'd put away my swords. Now, I'm going at it like I used to. Each slice strong enough to open my skin and cause blood to gush out of my skin.
I forgot how good it feels, to let go. To stop trying to be strong for others, to succumb to emotions stronger than simple sadness disappointment and anger. To truly accept and embrace the depression, sinking deeper into my soul with each mark my blade made. Pure poetry, written with the red ink spilling from my arm.
I set the blade down and looked at my work. Both my arms were severely cut, and looked horribly destroyed. Exactly what I was going for. I don't care what they say, I'm done caring. I'm done being what they think I am. Tired of being the simple yet "emotionally unstable" Pearl they thought they knew. Emotionally unstable, the understatement of the year. They think the simple fact that I get upset easily just means I'm weak. I'm not as good as they are. I'm not as strong and stable as they are. Congratulations.
I smile a little and remember how I used to cry when I did this. Back when I could still care. Up until a few months ago, I had thought I was over this, that I was now just a normal gem now. But no, I know I'm not. That no matter how hard I try this will always be a part of me. I'll always be a mess, broken into pieces with nothing to put them back together again. Except this time, I can accept it. I can look fate right in the eye and be ready for it. I have nothing else to lose, and cant possibly manage to gain.
If only death were easy.
What's sad is I wrote this on valentines day (and no, this had nothing to do with valentines day related things. I was actually at a band thing that day). Basically I got really upset and, I wrote this. I feel like there is just too much emotion here NOT to post it. So, tell me what you think, if I should continue this or leave it as it is.
- My