notes: not mine, no profit garnered. Thanks to PB for beta help.
xxxxxone is waiting at the fork in the road for her dad to come home. two is counting by the side of the house and he's skipping numbers. three is a photograph but she's turned her back at the very last second. - Christine Fellows
Later, after everything was done, Kensi said, "You know, I have more friends than just you."
Deeks looked at her with a condescending smile. He said, "Sure, I believe you. You know I was just making fun of you. Belittling you."
"In front of Callen and Eric," she said.
"Because you've never done with that me, so I totally understand why you're upset now," he said. They were naked on his bed, condom long since thrown away, picking at that night's take out. This time they had Thai.
She could just admire the lines of his lean back while ignoring the long faded scars she never asked him about, but instead she said, "I'm not upset. I just wanted you to be clear."
"Absolutely different from being upset."
"Because you're definitely not upset at me for the things I say," she said. She got up and rooted around for her underwear or some clean underwear she'd left here at some point.
"I am not upset either, to be clear," he said, popping his b in that annoying way he did when he was being emphatic or joking or both. "I am used to it. Because you do it way more than I do."
"Do not," she said.
"Wow, good thing you were turned away from me because I can not believe you said that out loud with a straight face. If you went through one day at work without making fun of me, I would, I would …" She looked over her shoulder at him and he was licking his lips and staring at the ceiling. He said, looking her in the eye, "I would pull down your pants and go down on you so hard you would be quivering and whimpering before you had a chance to say anything."
"Please don't ever do that," she said. "I'm not turned on by sex in public and I never want to have any kind of intimate contact with you in front of Hetty or Sam or that guy who always smells like stale beer."
"That's weird, isn't it? First thing in the morning, he always smells like a frat house. But back to the point, sex in front of Callen or Nell, though," Deeks said, slyly.
"Just didn't get around to listing them. And not Eric either," she said. She had a tee on and clean underwear and that was enough to sleep in, so she got back in the bed. "I could so go a day without belittling you, my God."
"Nope," he said. Smug blond hottie. He cleaned up the food and straightened the bed.
"I'll do it tomorrow," she said.
"Okay," he said.
"I will," she said. "And you will not have sex of any sort with me when I do that."
"Okay, here." he said. "You actually do that, go one day at work not once making me the butt of a joke and I will never make another hoarding joke. Does that sweeten the pot?"
"I am not a hoarder, you know. I have a job that goes long hours and maybe I don't think cleaning up obsessively is the most important thing I can be doing with my time at home," she said.
"I know," he said. He had something of a serious undertone so she believed him. "If you were an actual hoarder, I would be, you know, suggesting therapy or something."
"Thanks, but you better be ready to stop making those jokes."
"I'm not," he said.
"It's not that I don't think you're, you're great, Deeks," she said. She snuggled up close to him.
"You don't think I'm great?" He was half laughing. He rubbed her thigh.
"I do think you're great," she said. "Don't be stupid. And this will be so easy."
She failed Monday, Tuesday. She failed the whole week. They were driving home (her home) on Friday and she was feeling very small in the passenger seat.
It was stupid. The whole thing was stupid. They'd been having sex for months and months and four days out of the week they woke up together. And they were, what? Partners. Partners with benefits. They were two people who never talked specifically about what they were to each other. Kensi never even mentioned the relationship to her shrink because she was sure he would say, "The fuck now?" Not that he would actually say that, he was a very solemn man who specialized in PTSD and making sure your superiors didn't know. It had been embarrassing enough telling him about what happened with Talia, a story she had managed to communicate without explicitly saying she and Deeks were together. They were together in some sort of way.
What sort of way? she thought over and over. She wanted definition. She wanted to know whose fault it was. Was she not saying anything because he wasn't saying anything and he wasn't saying anything because she wasn't saying anything? Was he the coward? Was it her?
They would literally leave together and argue about food, go to someone's apartment, make sure Monty was okay, watch TV or a movie or play a video game, have sex, fall asleep, wake up, go to work and never once point out they were basically dating.
The problem, Kensi was convinced, the problem was dating was too casual a description for them.
Even just thinking about it, her brain threw up distractions, like how Thursday night she'd slept alone and been almost physically desperate for sex. She'd reached for her vibrator and as soon as she turned it on she was thinking of the time Deeks had his hand over hers holding it and guiding it and how after he'd fucked her and she had felt like all her body has just melted in happy fizzy bubbles.
Now she felt small and turned on. She said, "Next week, I'll do it."
He laughed and said, "I bet. You filthy hoarder."
"It's just a bad habit. It's because I'm a woman, I've spent my whole life getting along with men and the best way to do it is to make fun of them," she said.
He laughed again. She hated his laugh. She said, "I'm serious, I will stop making fun of you, period. I will make fun of Sam and Callen and Eric and Nell all day."
He said, his voice low and serious, "I bet you will. 'Cause you're totally not embarrassed by how much you care about me."
She felt heavy and lost and her seat belt was pressed too hard on her chest.
He said, "Wow. That is, wow. I have never had one of those did I actually say that out loud moments, but there you go." He patted her knee and it felt tentative. He said, "I was just kidding."
"No," she said. "You weren't. Do you really think I'm embarrassed? Over you? Over us, this, this relationship?"
"Wow," he said again. "We are really going there." He slowed the car and pulled over in front of a coffee shop. She was amazed that they had found street parking.
She said, "Are we getting coffee?"
"I don't think so," he said. "I just prefer to avoid serious discussions when I'm driving. I care about the other drivers out there."
She took off her seat belt. "I am not embarrassed by you. Not ever. Maybe, like years ago, but not now. That is not why we don't, is that why you think we don't talk about us?"
He closed his eyes and tipped his head up. He said, "I honestly have no idea why we don't talk. Fine, you're not embarrassed of me. You don't feel like you could do better and that if you ever said anything, Callen and Sam would make fun of you for being with me."
"I do not feel that way. I will call them right now if you want. And if they did think that, and they don't, I would think less of them. Seriously, I know I'm not helping my case here, but that is 100 miles from what I think of you. Or they do. 100 million lightyears."
"Throwing in a geek reference to appease me?" He opened his eyes and looked at her. He had beautiful eyes, sometimes she could not even bear to look at him because there was so much there and she never wanted to fail him. Which she was clearly doing.
"Okay, I suck, but you haven't, you never brought this stuff up either," she said. Which was not exactly what she intended to come out of her mouth, but there it was.
"Yes," he said. "We were both playing chicken. And I blinked."
"If you thought I wasn't saying anything because of that, what you said, you were wrong. I don't know how, okay, I know how you might think that, but I guess I hoped you would know me better," she said.
"Of course I do," he said. "I can be kind of negative about myself, you know, maybe you haven't noticed. And sometimes I come up with not very plausible reasons for things."
She took his hand and squeezed. She said, "Okay so now we're sort of talking. Are we talking?"
He nodded. She said, "I love you."
He had the most beautiful startled surprise. He said, "You just wanted to go first. You always have to one up. I love you, too, though you get the cool points for saying it first."
"I am totally the cool one," she said, laughing. Then they were kissing and she couldn't tell who started it.
Then Kensi said, "I don't know if you saw what they have in that coffee shop -"
"Yes, I will get you the toasted caramel latte. Or you can get it and get me something, too." He sat back and said, "Cause I don't want to get up just now."
A week later, they went to the same coffee shop on purpose. They were that disgusting couple who kissed and cooed at each other while getting their order. He said, "You made it the whole week. You did not have to do that."
She said, "No, I didn't have to, but I did anyway and now you can never ever call me a hoarder."
"I gotta tell you, I am super hurt you are holding me to that," he said. He didn't look hurt. He had a very wide smile on his face. "You could make it up to me by letting me go down on you -"
"Not here," she said, firmly. "No public sex. None."
Their coffees were ready. He leaned over and whispered in her ear. "How about in the bathroom? It's a one person stall …"
She took a sip of her latte and walked towards the back of the shop. She could hear him muttering "please don't be occupied, please don't be occupied."