Shinsuke's Strange Addiction
This program depicts addictive behaviors that are dangerous and risky in nature
Viewer discretion is advised.
Shinsuke Takasugi-
"My name is none of your fucking business and I don't know why the hell I am here. I'm serious. Why the fuck am I here? Again?"
Shinsuke might be young, but his addiction is powerful-
"Okay, who the fuck writes these things?! And I have no addiction, don't put me in the same category of those pathetic freaks."
Shinsuke is apparently in denial of his very serious problem.
"What kind of 'serious problem' are you fuckers talking about? And how the hell did you drag me here-… it was Gintoki, wasn't it? Probably Tatsuma too… those jerks only want to be famous! I'll make them pay… and you idiots too. If it wasn't for a few 'issues' I had in the past I would have already called the police."
We are all wondering what those 'issues' with the police are… maybe they involve a certain drink?
"Are you fucking kidding me right now? And you call yourselves professionals? I don't care what those two perms tell you, I do not have an 'addiction' with yakult. Because yakult in not an addiction, it's a way of life. And whoever motherfucker says that they have a problem with me drinking yakult then they can shove one of the empty bottles up their asses and go jump off a bri-"
Shinsuke's interview is cut in half due to superabundant threats.
Half an hour later…
"-and that's what I think about your shitty program."
We asked Shinsuke why he likes yakult so much.
…After another half hour of insults he answered.
"There is nothing in the world that could compare to it. I would kill for yakult."
Shinsuke is, in fact, not kidding. Many people can prove that.
Or well, they cannot prove that anymore...
We invited Shinsuke's friends today to discuss their side of the story about his addiction.
Gintoki Sakata, NOT best friend of Shinsuke AKA the person Shinsuke wants to kill to death, currently at the top of his killing list- in Shinsuke's own words
"You know what I think? I think the sane train left the station years ago. Choo-choo."
Kotaro Katsura, the love of Shinsuke's life, the one and only, the light in the darkness, the truth in the lies, the most beautiful angel, the sweetest creature, the number one in his heart, the myth, the legend, the baddest-
We had to cut the introduction because it was three pages long. But apparently Kotaro is the only person Shinsuke loves and doesn't want to choke with a yakult as soon as he sees him.
Kotaro AKA The only person Shinsuke loves and doesn't want to kill to death- in Shinsuke's own words
"I don't think Shinsuke has an addiction. I think he has a passion. And he is a man with plenty of judgement and rationality. He is wonderful and I love him with all of my heart."
Gintoki
"Of course Zura doesn't think his boyfriend has an addiction, tch. Even Shinsuke doesn't think Zura has an addiction with that weird looking thing he carries around all day and calls Elizabeth. But he does. They both do. And they're both so fucking stupid it physically hurts sometimes. And they're so in love…ugh. They literally buy each other gifts all the time just 'cause they're in love! I mean, take me for example, if my boyfriend asked me to buy something he is obsessed with just because he makes 'cute eyes' at me I would never do it. Why would I spend all my money over something stupid'"
Exclusive footage of Gintoki racing across the supermarket to buy his boyfriend all the mayonnaise he can find only because Toshiro blinked innocently at him and pouted cutely.
"I would never do that."
Tatsuma Sakamoto, DEFINITELY NOT best friend of Shinsuke AKA currently at the second place in Shinsuke's killing list- in Shinsuke's own words
"Hey guys, what's up? Ahahah, this is the second time I'm invited to this show! I'm here to talk about one of my best friends' strange addictions today, right? But first can we talk about how cute Suki and Zura are? And they're so supportive of each other too! I remember a year ago we were at the cinema getting the tickets for a new movie we wanted to see, and one of the guys waiting in line behind us politely warned Zura that the staff wouldn't let him bring his Lizzy in with him. Suki told him that he would drown him in a giant bucket of spoiled yakult if he dared to utter another word. When the guy spoke again Suki really did try to drown him in the end. Don't worry though, Kintoki saved him. Even if I think that was accidental because Kintoki thought that the yakult was melted sugar and the guy drowning was trying to drink all of it, so he kicked him out of it and saved his life. Aahahah, I feel like I'm surrounded by crazy people sometimes. But everyone has a little something they're crazy about, right?
Gintoki
"Tatsuma needs to fucking shut that big trap he calls a mouth because the last time I saw him take off those sunglasses was two years ago. That's an addiction too."
Kawakami Bansai, best friend of Shinsuke AKA probably the one person beside Kotaro Shinsuke doesn't want to kill to death (on a daily basis)
"Good evening, my name is Kawakami Bansai and today I came here to speak in behalf of my best friend, Shinsuke, and his problem with drinking. First and foremost I have to say that he is like a brother to me, he taught me everything I know about how to kidnap someone who steals your favorite drink. I think only that is proof enough to show what a kind soul he really is."
Gintoki
"I don't really know what to think of Bansai, except that he's weird. And stupid. But you know what they say, 'stupids stick together'.
Tatsuma
"Ahah, Kintoki calls every one of Suki's friends 'stupid', especially that Bonsai! Because he's really jealous that he doesn't have the ' best friend' title and he's afraid that Bonsai is going to steal Suki away from him, even if he won't admit it. But if he says that 'stupids stick together' then doesn't it mean Kintoki is also stupid since he's always around Suki?"
Gintoki
"…No comment. And Tatsuma really has to mess up everyone's name or he doesn't live happily. Who is the real stupid here, huh?"
Matako Kijima, Shinsuke's co-worker and definitely not his stalker in any way AKA desperate wh**e- in Kotaro's own words
"Hi, my name is Matako but you can all call me Maki because that's cuter and I'm a cutie. I am the closest person to Shinsuke, of course. I know him. I know everything about him. I really do. And I also love him more than anyone else! His fascination with yakult is so adorable! I find it cute how much yakult he drinks in a day and how one time he threatened his subordinates to cut their fingers to pieces, whisk them and make them drink whatever came out of it if anyone dared to touch his yakult. I mean, isn't he the cutest?"
Bonsa- Bansai
"As I was saying, Shinsuke is very kind, but he is also very… scary when it comes to his beverage of choice, yakult. I love Shinsuke, but at the same time he scares me. But I still love him. But he still scares me. My therapist says I am indecisive, but I don't really see that… or do I?"
Gintoki
"You know what? At first I thought Shinsuke had a drinking problem because I always saw him drinking some type of clear liquid. And I was kinda worried since drinking too much alcohol leads to serious issues, and he has too many mental ones of those already. Then I discovered he's obsessed with yakult. That's something little kids drink. What a fucking loser."
Shinsuke
"I love Yakult as much as I love Kotaro and I think that explains everything."
Matako
"He's so cute in everything he does, especially when he drinks yakult! I would give him all the yakult in the world if he let me! But my Shinsuke has been kind of distant… ever since he started going out with that- ugh- that nobody! That idiot! That joke! That pathetic piece of shit! That-
Matako's interview is cut short due to excessive jealousy.
Kotaro
"What I am about to say is very casual and absolutely not planned from the beginning in any way. Any similarity to actual events or people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. But some people are very jealous, hysterical and bitchy, and they don't understand when to let go of something that they should have never snooped into in the first place. And if they have a problem with me then they can come and talk to me directly. Of course they should also expect to face Elizabeth's wrath. But I grew up with manners and I won't name any names. And yes, I am talking about Matako."
Gintoki
"Real talk, I think Zura also has a jealousy problem going on."
Tatsuma
"Kintoki says a lot about other people's relationships, but one time he and his boyfriend were at the convenience store and this woman was asking Tosshi-"
"That's not his name you fucking idiot!"
"Oh, hey Kintoki! Fancy seeing you here too!"
"…We literally drove here in the same car to get here you dumbass. Do you also suffer from memory loss? Is that why you never get someone's name right?"
"Ahahaah, your jokes are so funny Kintoki! Anyway, there was this woman asking Tosshi about mayonnaise because she thought that he worked there since he had been hovering over the mayo section for four hours already. And Kintoki thought they were flirting and he became really jealous, so he kicked a bottle of mayonnaise right into her face! And Tosshi was crying. No, not because he felt bad for the injured woman but because of all the wasted mayonnaise. To calm him down Kintoki had to spend his whole paycheck into buying all the mayo in the store. Ahahahahaah!"
"…No comment."
After Tatsuma's captivating story we asked again why Shinsuke has problems with the authorities. Only for the viewers' sake and not because we like to pry.
"Every respectable member of the society has had problems with the law, just like me. So I honestly don't see where the fucking problem lies in being arrested once, or twenty-seven times."
Gintoki
"Sometimes I think he's joking. But then I remember that this is Shinsuke and he is not capable of jokes. He literally means all the bullshit that comes out of his mouth. Look, I tried to be understanding but… how the hell does one go to prison for stealing a drink for kids?"
Shinsuke
"Gintoki needs to shut the fuck up because a week ago he was literally arrested for stealing all the cotton candy in the amusement park. I might be evil but I would never do something so stupid. You can't fall lower than that. I think he has a talent… yes, a talent for being a fucking sugar addicted freak who calls kids 'bitches' when they cry after he steals all their sweets… do I even need to add more? The real question is… who let him out of prison?"
Gintoki
"…No comment."
We asked Shinsuke what his favorite flavor of yakult is. After another ten minutes of threatening to sue the program, he finally told us.
"I enjoy all kinds of yakult. The original flavor. The orange flavor. The grape flavor. The green apple flavor. The yakult light flavor. The yakult LT flavor. The Kotaro dressed as yakult flavor."
Exclusive footage showing Shinsuke's birthday party. Kotaro gets out of a giant cake dressed as a bottle of yakult to surprise his boyfriend and Shinsuke leaves the piñata he has been hitting to death, pretending Gintoki and Tatsuma are in its place, and the two start making out, uncaring of everyone else. Gintoki and Tatsuma throw rice at them as if to 'celebrate' a wedding and Matako is drunkenly sobbing in the corner. Bansai is asking himself if he should throw white or brown rice, but he is indecisive.
"Like I said, I enjoy all kinds of yakult."
How has Shinsuke's addiction affected his life?
Gintoki
"A few months ago there was this night when we were so drunk somehow we ended up in Vegas. And Shinsuke tried to marry a bottle of yakult. Can you fucking believe it? Anyway, after the ceremony he got thirsty and drank it. And after an hour he apparently remembered the 'crime' he committed and started crying because he said he killed his child. My question, above all the other obvious ones, is… why the fuck did he call the yakult his child when he tried to marry it? That's another level of craziness… I would ask what's wrong with him but…where do you even start?"
Tatsuma
"Ahahaah I think that Shinsuke's love for yakult is cute! Has Kintoki already told the Vegas story? I mean, he cried because he drank his wife/son! How cute is that? Zura also found it cute, but in that moment he might have possibly been marrying Lizzy! And I really had to pee so I was running out to find the nearest toilet, but I think I ran into a pole and then a car run over me, and I don't really remember anything else about that night! Ahahahahah!"
Gintoki
"By the way that night I was really drunk, but I remember getting into someone's car and driving around because I had to find the nearest bakery and steal- I mean, buy all their sweet stuff. And there was this dumbass who ran into a pole, and I think I also run over him? Who the fuck runs into poles at three in the morning anyway? That idiot probably deserved it."
We asked Shinsuke how does he plan to survive his addiction?
"Survive? Bitch please, I plan to fucking thrive. I aspire to one day live in another planet and grow an army made out of yakult-soldiers only. I would become their emperor and we would teach all these brainless puppets the importance of worshipping yakult… because you do not joke with yakult. Ever. My legacy will expand to all the other planets until we conquer the entire universe. And of course I would make my boyfriend the queen and we would rule forever, surrounded by yakult for the rest of eternity."
Kotaro
"I love a man who is strong, powerful, authoritative, decisive, kind, sweet and with a soul made of gold. Who else would I be talking about if not my boyfriend? Of course no one other than him fits this description. I think everyone who only even sees him at first glance would know just how much of a gentle being Shinsuke is. He often tells me about his dreams, his aspirations, his desires, and they are the sweetest. He is perfection."
Gintoki
"…Remember when I said the sane train had left the station? Yeah, I meant that for both of them. Double choo-choo."
Shinsuke
"Yakult is literally the only thing that matters in life. If you have yakult… you have everything. And I am going to show this world and this entire fucking universe what I mean by that."
Gintoki
"…Someone stop him before he hurts himself."
Kotaro
"Shinsuke is the most lovable soul in this entire universe. Even Elizabeth agrees with me."
Bon-Bansai
"I should help him. I should help him overcome this problem. Or should I?"
Matako
"I would give him everything he wants! Why would he even spend time with that little-"
Tatsuma
"Ahahaahahahahahaahahaahaahahaah! Wait a second… I didn't get the joke."
Shinsuke
"By the way, I'm fucking suing."
After the program Shinsuke went to pursue his dream of finding a deserted planet and ruling the universe with an army of yakult. Our universe is probably going to explode soon.
He is still going to sue the program.
Bansai loves Shinsuke and wants to help him get out of his addiction. But he is also scared. But he still loves him. But he is still scared. But he still-
Matako can go and drown herself in all her pity and plastic and bleached blonde extensions - in Kotaro's own words.
After calling him 'cute' on television Tatsuma has now been moved to the top of Shinsuke's killing list.
A few days later Gintoki was found following Bons-Bansai to a restaurant and poisoning his food. But due to indecisiveness Bon-Bansai was not able to eat, leaving it to Matako to accidentally ingest the poison. Kotaro threw a 'very casual and absolutely not planned from the beginning in any way' party while she is recovering in the hospital.
Part 4 of Nonsense...And Other Stupid Stuff
. . .
Author's Note: ...Okay, but yakult is really good.