Disclaimer: We own nothing.

This story is being written by two different people...so if the style of writing seems to change a lot, that's probably because it is.

Please feel free to review, we would like to know whether or not we are the only people reading this. :)

Harry Potter was very frustrated. For the past hour he had been perfecting his resume that he needed in order to apply to the Ministry for an Auror position. Despite him not actually having completed his seventh year at the renowned wizardry school, Hogwarts, he believed he was more than capable for a position there. For Harry Potter was no ordinary boy, even by wizard standards, for he was more famous than any other magical being that had ever lived. Harry Potter was The-Boy-Who-Killed-He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, he was the boy who slayed the greatest dark wizard of all time, Lord Voldemort.

It had not been easy to slay the Dark Lord; it had personally taken Harry seven years to reach this point in his life. Seven long years of pain, deaths, and most of all, hope. The fight for Voldemort's death had cost him almost more than he could bear; he was eternally grateful for the lives of the friends who had not died. He would thank their lucky stars every day until his death.

Harry sighed, raising a hand to instinctively attempt to flatten his untamable jet black hair. His emerald eyes scrunched together in anger. The resume called for contacts, he could not think of any who would truly be able to vouch for him and know exactly what he was capable of. The only people who came to mind were all dead. With another deep sigh, he scratched their names onto the parchment with his quill. Now finished his resume, he looked it over.

Former Jobs

Chosen One

Leader; Dumbledore's Army

Protector; Philosophers Stone

Finder; Chamber of Secrets

Accomplice; Azkaban prisoner Sirius Black

Winner; Triwzard Tournament

Investor; Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

Researcher; life of Tom Riddle

Owner; Deathly Hallows

Seeker

Special Skills

Evil-seeking head wound

Parselmouth

Defense Against the Dark Arts

Stealthy

Fast

Good at killing evil wizards

Invisible, with help of cloak

Master of Death

Patronus conjuring

Basic housework

Not claustrophobic

Experienced with Werewolves

Traits

Evil-fighting

Slight temper

Angsty

Modest

Suicidal

Self-sacrificing

Disloyal to best friend

Loyal to everyone else

Optimistic

Mama's boy

Commonly parodied

References

Dead parents- Lily and James Potter

Dead Godfather- Sirius Black

Dead Headmaster- Albus Dumbledore

Dead professor- Remus Lupin

Dead professor- Severus Snape

Contact Information for References: Die

Harry smiled, this resume wasn't all that bad, if he did say so himself. Not bad at all.

"So…Mr…?"

"Potter." said Harry. He had been called for an interview at the Ministry. He was sure he was going to get the job.

"I'm sorry, you're just not qualified."

"Not qualified? Are you kidding?"

"No, I'm not kidding, Mr…"

"POTTER! I'm Harry fucking Potter!" Harry pushed back his hair to reveal the lightning shaped scar on his forehead.

"Look, lightning face," said the interviewer. "You didn't finish school. You don't have any useful skills. Your contacts are dead. You don't get the job."

"I don't get the job? Harry Potter doesn't get the job? Did you even read my resume? I'M THE CHOSEN ONE!"

The interviewer sighed. "Crabbe, Goyle, please escort Mr. Lightning Face out." He said.

"Cra- YOU'RE DEAD!" Harry yelled at Crabbe.

"Actually, there's a new device that can bring people back from the dead. Invented by some Mudblood witch." said the interviewer. "So you see Mr. Angry Pants, you're not the only master of death."

"You gotta be shittin' me." Harry said. He stomped out of the room, growling.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you built a time-slash-resurrection machine!" Harry yelled. He was pacing back and forth in his best friend, Ron's, room. He was staying with the Weasley's until he found his own place.

"I'm sorry, Harry." Hermione said. She didn't sound sorry. "They offered me a really good price."

"That shouldn't mean anything! I'm your friend!"

"Would you have paid me to use it?"

"Well, no, I would have expected you to let me resurrect my loved ones out of the kindness of your heart."

"Hermione doesn't have a heart, Harry." said Ron. "She's a cold, spiteful harpy."

Hermione jabbed her wand over her shoulder at Ron. His limbs clamped together and he fell face first to the floor.

"Sorry," he said into the rug. "I'm no good at being nice to you."

"S'okay." said Hermione as she lifted the curse.

There was a knock at the door, and Mrs. Weasley entered without waiting for an answer. "Is it really to much to ask for some help with dinner?" she demanded.

There was an awkward pause. Harry, Ron and Hermione tried to covertly shoot each other looks to say, "No, you!" Hermione sighed. "I'll help." She followed Mrs. Weasley out the door. Ron breathed a sigh of relief, then jumped as Hermione stuck her head back in. "Don't even think about doing what you're thinking about doing Ron!" she yelled.

"What?" said Harry.

"Oh, shut up Hermione." Ron said. "I never think about anything."

Hermione snorted. "I'm well aware of that." she said as she left. Harry tried to stifle his laughter, failed, and was rewarded with a well thrown book on the Chudley Canons to the head.

"D'you want to see Hermione's machine?" Ron asked after Harry had magically repaired the bump on his head.

"Do you know how to use it?"

"Well, no, but it can't be too hard, can it?"

"This is too bloody hard."

"You haven't even tried it yet."

"Well I'm sorry that not everyone can share in the Chosen One's optimism." Ron said. He and Harry stood in front of the massive array of buttons, switches, and knobs. Ron laughed.

"What?"

"The narrator just used the word knob."

"Narrator? What in the name of Dobby's socks are you on about?"

"N-nothing." Ron said, and in his haste to change the subject he fell against the panel. The machine started whirring.

"Oh, bollocks..."

"Wait, if Hermione's a witch, why did she build a machine?"

"Who the bloody hell cares, Harry, what matters is it's gonna blow!"

The lakes surface twinkled faintly in the sun; the Whomping Willow twisted its branches in pleasure under the suns rays. Near the lakes rippling surface lay four boys, a sandy haired one with his nose in a book, a tall handsome one bearing a bored expression, a short chubby one with a nervous twitch, and finally an average height one with unruly black hair who kept glancing back towards the school of Hogwarts with longing. These four boys were friends, brothers; each only 17 and looking forward to what lay after this last day of school. These boys were the Marauders. Renowned for their impish ways and loyal friendship. Each was now on the brink of the rest of their lives, after this sunny day they wouldn't be students of Hogwarts again.

"Bored, bored, bored." the handsome one sang, looking at the lake. "I'm so bored."

"We know, Sirius." the one behind the book snapped. "You've been chanting that for the past 30 minutes."

"Well... it's as true as when I first said it, no need to get grumpy Remus." the handsome one, Sirius, grumbled to the book bound one, Remus. Sirius crossed his arms in his usual childish manner. "You're only grumpy, anyways, because it's almost your time of the month." This remark caused Remus, who was a werewolf and often fell victim to his cranky side when the full moon came, to move his nose from behind his book and glare at his "special" friend.

"Say that one more time and I'll-"

"Stop it you two." The unruly haired one said, still gazing towards the school. "I see Lily coming this way and... she's bringing Snivellus?" This caused a startled look to pass between the four friends before their heads all turned in the direction of a red head with emerald eyes and a long nosed boy with greasy hair.

"Maybe Lily Flower finally came to her senses and decided to move on away from you, my dear Prongs. Mind you, she could have chosen someone better than that greasy git Snape. I mean, I'm available at the moment." Sirius proclaimed, casting death stares at the ever nearing duo.

"Hello, love." Prongs grinned, moving swiftly to his girlfriends, the red heads, side. They immediately shared a gentle kiss.

"Hey James, Professor Dumbledore said that-" There was a brilliant flash of bright light, and the five boys and one girl vanished.

"Bored, bored, bored." the bored voice of Sirius Black sang. "So bored, I could...I could...poke a werewolf. Hey Moony, come over here for a second." A sandy haired man known to all as Remus Lupin, and to some as Moony, approached Sirius, who was currently lying down.

"Yes?" he inquired to his friend with one raised eyebrow. "You called?"

"Poke!" Sirius shouted, reaching out and jabbing his friend in the side of the leg.

"Padfoot, what the fu-"

"Will you two shut up for a few minutes, something's happening." The familiar voice of the fiery red head known as Lily snapped. "I think Harry's calling us again. James, Albus and I have all been feeling a weird tugging feeling for a bit now. Do you two feel it?"

Both men shared a look before frowning; they did indeed feel a tug within their stomachs.

"Yes, Lily," Remus began. "We feel it, what does it-"

With a flash of brilliant light, four once dead people vanished from the afterlife.

The rat was growing, quickly swelling to twice its normal size. It tried to protest, but only succeeded in emitting a high pitched squealing noise. Just as it was about to burst, it was poked by a long, white stick. It began shrinking back to its normal size.

"You're much more useful in this form, Wormtail." said a high, cold voice. "I'm almost entertained. If we were still alive, maybe I would spare your life."

The rat stared up at Voldemort, terrified. Voldemort gave what might have been a smile, had he not been so evil that smiling was an impossibility, and prodded Wormtail with his wand. The rat swelled.

Just as Wormtail was shrinking again, there was a flash of light. Voldemort hissed and shielded his face. He didn't do well with light, being a dark wizard and all. When the light had faded, he peered through his fingers. Wormtail was gone.

"Aww, now I'm bored!" the Dark Lord whined.

"C'mon, Moody, just once, for old times sake!"

"No, boy. We don't need that anymore."

"Oh, come on, Moody. Do you really want to incur my wrath? Say 'constant vigilance,' just the once."

"I'm not worried in the slightest about how you could torment me, Weasley." said Moody. His magical blue eye rolled wildly for effect.

Fred Weasley grinned. "Filch wasn't worried either." He warned. "At least, not at first."

Moody snorted. "What are you going to do, boy, kill me?"

Fred feigned outrage. "Alastor, please, I'm much more sophisticated then that!"

As the two doubled over, laughing, they were engulfed in a blinding light. When it subsided, they were nowhere to be seen.

"Lemon drop, Severus?"

"No thank you, Headmaster."

"How many times do I have to tell you, Severus, call me Albus. I'm not a Headmaster of anything anymore. Except maybe spectacular purple robes." Dumbledore fingered the fabric of his sleeve. "You should really get some, Severus, they're wonderfully flamboyant."

Snape scowled. "I'm sure I'll manage."

"Well at least have a lemon drop."

Snape took the candy, but didn't raise it to his mouth. He squinted- more than usual, that is.

"What's wrong, Severus?" Dumbledore asked. "Do you have something against Muggle sweets?"

Snape shook his head. "What do you make of that?" He pointed to a bright light that was quickly making its way towards them.

Dumbledore studied it. "I haven't the slightest idea." he announced. "But why don't we take a look? It wasn't so bad the last time." Before Snape could object, Dumbledore grabbed him by the hand and pulled him into the light, where they vanished.

"Hurry, she's getting away!"

Two bicycles raced through the busy Paris street, leaving cries of "Oh mon dieu!" and "Merdre!" in their wake. The girl was leading, her long auburn braid flying straight out behind her. The boy followed, or was attempting to.

"How do you intend to catch her?" he yelled to the girl.

"I suppose I'll figure it out when we catch up." she replied. She took a tight turn, now pedaling through a park. The boy finally managed to match her speed, if only because they were going downhill. Their eyes were locked on the strange creature in the sky above them. It resembled a squid, but it was completely transparent. Every so often as it flew, one of its tentacles gave a spark of electricity.

Suddenly, the sky grew brighter, then flashed. The girl was blinded and toppled off her bicycle.

"Kate!" The boy dropped his bicycle and rushed to help the girl up. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." said Kate, dusting off her long skirt. "Where did she go?"

"I'm guessing she flew away."

"Don't be stupid, Matt, she's not nearly that fast. That light had something to do with her disappearing."

"What light? It was just the sun."

Kate turned and stared at him, her nostrils narrowed. Matt took a few steps back. Kate's eyes returned to the sky. She began calling for the creature. "Phoebe! Phoebe, come back!" Matt stood looking awkwardly around, wondering what the sophisticated men and women of Paris would think of a Canadian girl yelling at the sky.

Kate sighed and brought her gaze back to earth. "I was so hoping to catch her. I didn't think I'd see her again, after all these months.

"I'm sorry, Kate, I think she's really gone."

Then, with another flash, so were they.

"So, yesterday, I read the gospels, yesterday, and the bible. I didn't do anything else, just sat there twitching and reading." a short girl chirped cheerfully, her faintly green curly hair bouncing at every move.

"You said yesterday twice..." a taller girl said, her hair also twisted into curls.

"Shut up." the smaller girl said, still smiling, holding up two fingers in a combined loser sign. "No one likes your insane smartness, Claire."

"Smartness? Well, Autumn, no one likes your stupidity." Claire piped back, not removing her eyes from the French work they were completing. Her friend literally bounced beside her, looking around with a plastered on smile.

"We should kill Hitler, well not us per say, but I've been doing a lot of reading, and I found a way to kill him, evil bunny twitch, so yeah." Autumn grinned, her words flowing swiftly from her mouth, only stopping once during her rant when she twitched and said evil bunny twitch.

"..."

"And then I can toss evil muffins of doom, and eat purple lollipops." Autumn continued, not noticing Claire now staring at her with a blank look.

"Look, Claire, I already started writing a story about us killing Hitler." She pulled four pieces of loose-leaf from her backpack and displayed them on the table.

"Okay... how does this story help us kill Hitler?"

"Easy. I just write this and..."

The two girls vanished from sight, leaving a stunned French class behind.

Back in 1990's England, Harry and Ron were cowering on the ground. The machine was whirring and flashing. Then, with a final flash, it stopped.

"Harry, you bloody midget, you broke it!"

"I broke it? I didn't even know it existed until three hours ago! You broke it!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TWO DO NOW?" Hermione was racing across the yard towards them, looking more terrifying than Mrs. Weasley when Fred, George, and Ron had stolen the flying car.

"Nothing!" said Ron, looking guilty, as usual.

Hermione opened her mouth to yell, but was interrupted when six people appeared out of nowhere between her and Harry and Ron.

Harry jumped a few feet in the air. Not because he hadn't seen people appear from thin air before- he had, many times- but because the six were teenagers- ones he recognized.

"M-Mom?" The red head looked at him, startled. She didn't recognize him.

"Hey!" said James. "She is no ones mother, you sick fuck!"

Ron looked bewildered, or more so than usual. "Harry, is that- are these your parents?"

"Yes," said Harry, just as James said, "No!" Harry glared at him. "Why don't you tell us who you are then?"

James ruffled his hair before holding out his hand. "James Potter, at your fucking service."

Harry grinned his all-knowing, Chosen One grin. "Harry James Potter, Chosen One."

James' mouth gaped. Behind him, Remus connected the dots and began laughing. Sirius clapped James on the back. "Way to go, Prongs." Lily looked disgusted at the thought that she could have procreated with James. "Oh shit," James said.

"I have a better question." Severus said.

"'Oh shit,' isn't a question, Snivellus." said Sirius. Severus ignored him. "What are we doing here?"

"Maybe Hermione should explain-" Ron started, but before he could finish, four more people appeared.

"Mom! Dad!" Harry yelled. This time they recognized him, as did Lupin and Sirius. The four converged on Harry for a group hug. There was an awkward pause where all not hugging looked at the ground. They pulled apart.

Young James, Lily, Sirius, Remus and Severus turned to see Old James, Lily, Sirius, and Lupin. Everyone stared for a minute, then gave a collective, "AHH!"

"That's what I'm going to look like when I'm older?" Young Lily cried, looking disgusted.

"Hey, shut up!" Old James yelled.

Everyone started shouting and advancing towards Harry. He was saved when a large rat appeared, and both Lily's started shrieking.

"Scabbers!" Ron yelled.

"Pettigrew?" Harry said.

"Constant vigilance!" yelled Moody, who had just appeared with Fred.

"Fred!" yelled Ron, astounded to see his dead brother.

"George!" yelled Fred, for George had just apparated into the crowd that was quickly forming.

"Fred!" yelled George. "You've conquered death! How much should we charge for that?" The twins disapparated.

"Potter!" spat Old Snape.

"Snivellus?" said Old Sirius.

"Me?" said Young Severus.

"Lemon drop?" asked Dumbledore.

"Professor!" cried Harry, for he had just recognized the tall, purple thing that had appeared.

"Dumbledore?" everyone shouted.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?" screamed both James's.

"I'll tell you!" said a girl who had just appeared. She was followed by another, taller girl, who looked impressed but unsurprised to have appeared out of nowhere.

"Yes Autumn, do tell." said the taller one. "Enlighten us."

The short one opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a mysterious squid like creature that appeared in the air. The thing sparked angrily.

"Holy shit!" yelled Moody, uncharacteristically.

Harry, Ron, James, James, Sirius, Sirius, Remus, Lupin, Severus, Snape and Moody pulled out their wands and shot stupefying spells at the creature. It fell to the earth, unmoving.

"What did you do?" a female voice cried. "Phoebe!"

"Kate," said the boy behind her. "You can't just barge into someone else's story like this."

"I did not barge, Matt, I resent that!" said Kate. "Look what they've done! They've killed Phoebe! I'm terribly vexed."

"Wait," said the tall random girl. She grabbed a stack of papers from her friend and rifled through them. "According to this, Matt and Kate were supposed to get here before us."

"We took a detour." Said Matt, looking embarrassed.

Everyone stared at the short girl, Autumn.

"S'plain, please." Said Young Lily.

"I will, just have patience, gosh." the short one snapped, furiously writing on some loose-leaf. "I'm trying to do something, just a few more words...and..." Matt vanished from Kate's' side only to appear next to the small girl.

"Success!" she cried in joy. "I love you." She pulled the startled boy into a hug. The others looked on, an awkward silence filling the area. Kate was fuming.

"Dude, you can do that? I want Neville, please, I'll love him forever!" The taller girl was jumping around the smaller girl, pushing and pulling at her limbs. The short girl glared for a moment before smiling and nodding her head. She wrote for a second and...

"Does anyone need me to slay a snake?" Neville questioned, proudly bursting from nowhere next to the tall girl, Claire.

"YES!" Claire cried, flinging her arms around the startled boys' neck.

"Now that I have appeased her..." Autumn grinned evilly, her body turning to face Harry, who just looked at her with one raised eyebrow. Their exchange was unseen as Ron led an out roar at the appearance of Neville.

"HOLY SHIT ITS NEVILLE!" Ron shouted, pointing a finger at the boy currently being squeezed by Claire.

"No, Ron, that's Voldemort in disguise." Fred said in a dead tone.

"Yeah, he just got some plastic surgery." George agreed.

"Lookin' good, moldy farts." Young Sirius grinned, throwing an arm over Neville's shoulders.

"Now you might be able to finally find that special someone." James laughed, taking up stance on Neville's other side.

"Wait a second," Harry murmured, gazing questioningly at Fred and George, after tearing his green eyes from Autumns green eyes. "Didn't you two leave?"

"Yeah..." Fred began, looking around at the others.

"We just wanted to show up to make fun of Ron's Roniness..." George continued.

"So yeah." Fred and George finished together before vanishing.

As that scene of chaos went on, the background held its own disarray. Kate had come to her senses and was pulling frantically on Matt's arm, causing Autumn to jump on his back and latch herself around his neck.

"No bitch, mine." Autumn hissed, glaring into Kate's eyes.

"What makes you think you deserve him?" Kate glared back, her nostrils narrowed.

"Because I won't get engaged to anyone behind his back." Autumn said. "Promise, Matt, my little cutie bootie." she baby talked to Matt, ruffling his hair.

"Don't I have a say in this?" Matt questioned, while being yanked by the arm and neck.

"NO!" both girls screamed at him, before returning to their pulling.

"Wait, Autumn, I'm ready now, to, you know..." Claire told the small girl clinging to the blond boy. Neville looked at Claire, terrified but excited. Claire noticed him looking. "Later." she said.

"Oh, Claire's being naughty." Autumn said suggestively.

"Just send us back in time already!" Claire screeched.

"WHAT THE-" everyone screamed. They began to try and run away, except Dumbledore, who was intrigued, and Snape, who tried to run but was pulled back by Dumbledore.

"This is going to be fun, Severus, don't leave." Dumbledore smiled. "Lemon drop?"

"NO! Claire, you gave the plan away! Hold still Matt, I gotta write this quick." Autumn pulled out loose-leaf and a pencil and began writing quickly, while Matt thrashed around wildly.

"I will not stand still, I will not allow you to-" The group of people vanished from sight.