"Here we go again" I muttered to myself as I walked up the stairs to Degrassi Community School. I walk down the hall staring at my feet, I only looked up when I heard giggling, and guess who? Yup, Paige standing in front of her locker with her friends gossiping and laughing about something, maybe one of Heather Sinclair's latest mishaps or maybe even me. Don't flatter yourself; you're not that important I thought
It's Monday, I have Armstrong first and of course I didn't do my math homework… I looked at my watch 7:50. No point in trying to do it in 5 minutes I headed to my locker. 22-7-34 .nothing. 27-2-34? nothing. 37-2-24? Nothing Fuck, of course I forgot my combo I'm me.. I dug through my backpack until I found a little piece of paper I had written it on ring fuck, ugh whatever my books can wait. I piled all my crap back into my bag and went off to Armstrong's.
I walked in at sat down in my usual seat behind Paige and next to my best friend Marco. "Hey Ellie, where were you this morning?" he asked "I looked for you everywhere"
"Sorry, I was running late" I answered
"You ditched me…I'm never talking to you again!" he said dramatically in a way only Marco could.
"Is that a promise?" I asked and he stuck my tongue out at me.. I saw Mr. Armstrong walk in with a pile of papers that could only mean one thing… Please don't let there be a quiz, please don't let there be a quiz, please don't let there be a… "Pop Quiz, everything off your desks" great, just great, but what did I expect? Did I really expect good luck..?
"Good luck hun" Paige said with a smile as she handed me the quiz
"yeah… thanks…" I muttered back ok I can do this I thought Find the vertex of the graph of the function y-2x what? When did Armstrong teach that? Oh great… this is gonna be fun… "Hey Marco" I whispered. He just told me to shut up and I tried to look over at his answers…didn't work… one quiz isn't gonna kill my grade… will it?...
ring finally.. that was the longest class EVER I thought… Kwan… Shakespeare… next class isn't so bad. Ashley met me at the door "guess what?" she asked
"what?" I answered in a 'I really don't care' voice.
"Craig is planning dinner and a concert this weekend! Isn't he so sweet? I can't wait"
"Sounds… fun…" well at least one of us is happy
"Today we'll start by sharing something from out creative journals please take out…" I heard Ms. Kwan say but the rest didn't register. Today's sucking really bad so far… forgot my locker combo, failed a quiz, feeling like shit… stop it Ellie… you're not making things better.. ugh it doesn't matter… things are never better…I wish that…
"Hey Ellie" Ashley whispered and poked my arm taking me away from my thoughts
"what? oh… sorry" I said as I stood up and walked to the front of the room… my journal with me "ok.. this is kinda a bad poem I wrote so… don't laugh" I said and began…
They are beautiful, I am ugly
They're humorous, I'm unfunny
They're outgoing I am shy
They start laughing, I break down and cry
My body chokes back tears
Thinking of past years
Laughing, joking, great time
Now I want to hide
I don't belong here, not now
I might get out but how?
I'm stuck in a moment I can't get out of
I'm breaking down, had enough
I want to run, run so fast
But I can't lie, I'm an outcast
"Some very real issues, very deep I like it a lot, Ellie, good" Ms. Kwan said finally… I did something right… well that's not that big a deal… I can write… I've always known I could write… so it really doesn't matter…
"great job Ellie, that was really good" Ashley said as I sat down.
"I guess…."
During break I went back to my locker 24-7-32 click… I knew that…I put the little piece of paper away I'm gonna need that again… I can't wait until today's over…no… I don't… I don't wanna go home…ugh…home…
"Ellie!" I heard Marco say bringing me back to reality "hey what's up? So… I was wondering if you wanted to hang out this weekend with me and Dylan…" Marco asked of course… Dylan… no… I'm happy for Marco… I am… at least… I think I am…"so…?" Marco said impatiently.
"I'm not sure… I might be busy, besides if it's gonna be you and Dylan I don't wanna bug you"
"awww c'mon El, it's not bugging us… you're my best friend and we never hang out anymore"
"oh so you noticed" I snapped back
"what's that supposed to mean?"
"nothing… Marco…. Sorry… we'll see about this weekend" I said turning and walking away.
"Ellie, how have you been doing?" Ms. Sauve asked in her office later that day
"I'm good" I said giving her a fake smile.
"How are things at home?" she asked "good" good? Yeah about as good as my…
"your grades?" bad, horrible, disappointing, sad
"good"
"How are you doing with your cutting?" she asked after a short pause
"good" wow Nash you're just full of lies today
"Can I see your arms?" she asked . I pulled up my sleeves and revealed my scars but no new cuts. Ms Sauve looked pleased
"I'm proud of you Ellie, you seem to be doing good" she said and smiled. I smiled back.
"Yeah I'm doing really good and I feel good" of course more bullshit… does my brain even register what I feel like today? "ok I'm really hungry so can I go to lunch now?" I asked
"of course but come see me on Thursday" she said as I got up. I walked out of the guidance office and dug through my backpack on the way to the bathroom soon I really will be good…