Hello all! We (the co-authors) hope you enjoy our second parody of the Harry Potter series! We like reviews almost more than blue cheese, so it'd be great if you could drop a few words about how we're doing!
All characters (underneath their replacement names) belong to JK Rowling.
Chapter One: An Excess of Tofu
It was that time of the morning. It was that time of the morning when the birds rise from their nests, eyes blinking, and songs already bursting from their eager beaks. It was that time of morning when the dewdrops glisten like emeralds fallen from heaven on the sweet morning grass. It was that time of morning when a human child, approximately the size, weight and roughly the shape of a water buffalo lumbered queasily down the stairs to discover a single slice of grapefruit on his breakfast plate. It was that time of the morning.
"MUUUU-UUUM!" the boy hollered.
His cousin, a weedy boy of twelve, squidged down a little further in his chair. Ever since Dudley Dursley had started on his foul diet, he had made Harry's life a living hell.
Harry didn't mind though. Although the whole Dursley family was forced to go on the same diet to appease Dudley (Harry included, even though he had frequently pointed out to his Aunt that his last name was not Dursley, but Potter.) Harry had even argued that the diet wasn't even mentioned until the fourth book, though he had to admit that the earlier, the better – Dudley needed to crabwalk in order to get through a doorway.
But Harry actually had friends who sent him food at his request. Hidden under a floorboard in his room were numerous grapefruit and packets of grapefruit enhancer ('Well,' his friend Rhon had reasoned in his letter, 'we thought there's no harm in you losing a few pounds either'.) Harry's friend and the groundskeeper at his school, Hiphag, had sent Harry something larger, and certainly not grapefruit, but it was made of tofu (Hiphag being very close to nature. In fact, in Soviet Russia, nature was close to him) and therefore inedible.
Hiphag had sent him something purplish and wobbly called I Can't Believe It's Tofu and Not Grapefruit! Harry shuddered upon reading the label. No matter what anyone said, he remained adamant that tofu substitutes in the wizarding world were most probably made of Doxy droppings. Harry had only received one packet of remotely passable junk food. It was a small box of Wonka Nerds which smelt of arsenic, to which Harry took reasonable offence. After much thorough consideration, and much self-assurance that true nerds were pwnsome, he wisely decided not to touch it.
His mind snapped away from his secret (if not rather dubious) store of food when Uncle Vernon mentioned, "It's a special day today."
Harry couldn't believe it, and nearly choked on the grapefruit he was not chewing. Could the Dursleys possibly have remembered...? Could they possibly have finally realised that it was his birthday, his first step into the life-changing age of twelve?
Aunt Petunia looked at her husband with eyes sweet enough to paralyse a kitten. Harry's eyes widened. Now, at last, was Uncle Vernon was going to acknowledge the fact that his nephew, his very own nephew, was born on this day, exactly twelve years ago, and therefore deserved congratulations, well-wishing, and preferably a very large store of presents, including but not limited to, the new and very awesome Nintendo Puu?
Uncle Vernon could contain it no longer. "I'm getting a custom-made toupee!" he squealed in a cacophony of joy. Aunt Petunia and Dudley emitted noises of general surprise and happiness. "Oh, it's nothing," he continued modestly, his tone turning to pure revulsion in the next second when turning to Harry, "His Hairiness the Toupee Master will be calling in on us tonight, so no funny business."
"Ha-ha?" enquired Harry innocently.