Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer.
This is my first ever attempt at anything close to a fanfic. I've been reading them for years but never mustered up the courage to write one myself. So bare with me.
This is a oneshot I came up with after listening to "My Heart" by Paramore on my way home from school today. The line "this time i'll be listening" really struck a chord (ignore the pun) and gave me this crazy idea of Bella choosing Jake instead of Edward at the end of Eclipse. Imagine everything happens exactly the same up until Bella has to choose which guy she loves. Instead of going to Jake's house after the battle, she ends up at Edward's. Enjoy!!
--
It has been 6 weeks, 3 days, 7 hours, and 34 minutes since I told him to kiss me and then come back. And I can still feel my heart racing. I had gone farther than I ever intended to go in that moment. It was never meant to feel like that. It wasn't supposed to burn as I watched him go fight someone else's battle. It was in that moment that I realized there had never been a choice; never two worthy opponents. I had always known who I was supposed to be with. Only now did my eyes let me see.
--
This was going to be arguably the hardest thing I would ever have to do. How do you tell someone you made the wrong choice? How do you tell them they were the wrong choice?
As I walked up to the front door of this masterpiece of a home, emotions ran vigorously through my veins. Pain staggered my breath, anxiety shook my hands, and dread rocked my heart. Doubt, however, was nowhere to be found. I would not regret this.
My hand reached up to tap the grand door, nearly involuntary. But in the beat before it could sound its intentions, he was standing before me. Alice had told him I was here.
His angelic visage captured my view and molten topaz matched my gaze. Those eyes used to do violent things to my breathing. Now, my pulse went faultless. It was his unwavering compassion that made this hard. I had loved him, as he still loves me. There is no denying that. But I've found something stronger than his love; I found eternal companionship, something he had not always stayed true to. He has to understand why I'm doing this.
I stood in the dull light of the porch lamp. I focused on my muddy boots, unwilling to meet those beautiful eyes. Normally, I would have just walked right in without a second thought. But tonight was different. This was the last time I would stand in this home, the last time I would stand in his presence. It didn't feel right inviting myself in anymore. After tonight, I would never be invited in again.
He knew.
I forced my eyes to peer up through my hair. It was impossible to look at his face. Not because I wanted to stay with him, or because I was having second thoughts. But because pain possessed those eyes. Every single type of pain you could possibly imagine; I saw it, right there in his perfect face. There wasn't
an infallible angel standing before me tonight; not an even indestructible vampire. All there was, was a broken man. And this time, he couldn't deny that it wasn't my fault.
I swallowed the lump swelling in my throat and opened my mouth to speak.
"Bella…"
I cringed at his voice harmonizing my name. Yes, this was most definitely going to be the hardest thing I would ever have to do.
"Come in, please."
I followed him to the large, immaculate room to the left of the foyer. His piano sat in the far corner, facing the wall of windows and the illuminating sunset in the distance. I tried not to remember the first time he played my lullaby.
As we walked, the distance was kept between us. Our hands did not graze, our soft steps being the only sound in the house.
He stood staring out the windows as I struggled to find the right words to say. I wish I had thought about this better before I came. Where would I start? How could I possibly find words to explain how I felt? Did they even exist? Words…words that would make this hurt him less.
The silence was deafening and I practically found myself suffocating in my own distress. I thought about that kiss in the woods; the kiss that sent fire spiraling through my being, the reason my heart began to race…the reason I was here.
"Edward," I whispered in a barely audible tone.
His shoulders slumped slightly, as if he heaved a sigh. Of course he would hear me whisper his name.
Bella, you can do this. You have to do this.
I stood a little straighter and cleared my throat.
"Edward," I said again, louder, firmer. The apologetic tone could not be masked. He continued to stare out the window, motionless.
"Please look at me. It wouldn't be fair for me to say this to your back. I won't be a coward and I'm going to do this the right way. I need you to look at me." My voice caught on that last request, and the hint of tears began to form deep down within me.
He turned his head so that his eyes pierced mine. His body still faced the window: still guarded.
"You don't have to tell me anything. I understand," he confessed quietly. But I knew he was just trying to run from the truth. If he never actually heard me say I didn't love him, he could go on for the rest of his eternity hoping I always would.
"You left, Edward. You told me you didn't want me. And you left me alone, broken in those woods. A part of me walked away with you that night, leaving me shattered. Meeting you made me whole. You gave me reason for life, because meeting you brought me to life… But you left." A fierce battle began to rage within me, fighting to keep the tears from overflowing.
"When you came back, I thought the pieces of me were going to fall back into perfect order. Part of me still laid on that forest floor though; shattered."
He still looked at me and with each word, I could see him tormenting himself over those past mistakes; echoing his regret over and over again. I really wish he wouldn't do that.
Seconds that felt like hours passed the silence between us. I knew what I would say next. Reliving those months of being shattered and broken and alone awoke the anger in me that had gone dormant since Edward returned. It added fuel to this weak excuse for a fire.
I really didn't want to hurt him though. I knew he would never forgive himself for the pain he caused me, so saying what I needed to say next would be a new battle all by itself. I don't want to hurt him, no matter how much he hurt me.
I took the deepest breath I could possibly inhale and prepared myself for the final blow.
"Jacob found me when I laid broken and lost in a million pieces. He never promised me moments he would never give. He never guarded himself around me. His honesty and sincerity pulled all my pieces back together in perfect order. He made me feel alive again. He makes my broken pieces fit together."
My fingers fumbled with the bracelet on my wrist. Edward faced me now, hands shoved in his pockets. He looked at me with eyes begging for forgiveness; eyes pleading for a second, or rather, third chance; eyes that, very deep, deep, down understood. My clumsy fingers fought with the clasp on my bracelet…urging it to open.
I walked over to him, as hard as it was. He closed his eyes once we were inches apart and I knew that if it was possible, perfect, tragic tears would be rolling down the planes of his icy cheeks. My hand reached for his wrist and pulled his palm to me. I wrapped his hand around the crystal heart and pressed it to the one beating steadily behind my chest.
It was never supposed to be this way. I was never the one to break someone else's heart. It felt unnatural, wrong; like I was committing a crime and the police were watching me get away with it.
My lips grazed his temple and I lingered there probably longer than necessary.
"I can't do this anymore," I whispered.
I pulled away, letting go of his hand and his heart for the last time. I reached the door and turned to look back.
"I'm sorry."
--
The drive to La Push was the longest twenty minutes of my life; which was probably beneficial considering the multitude of tears that poured down my face as I sprinted down the Cullen's driveway to my truck.
A heavy pain sat idly on my chest, making breathing a little too difficult. Saying goodbye to Edward once nearly killed me…I never thought I would have to face that again.
The clouds that hung over Forks slowly retracted and I could feel myself relax as I crossed that imaginary border separating the two lives I'd been trying to live simultaneously. I could see the Black's tiny house less than 100 yards away; Jacob's motorcycle parked out front made my heart pick up speed.
I threw my truck into park and rushed eagerly to the make-shift garage, where I knew he would be. Residual puddles from last night's showers splashed at my ankles, soaking my jeans to the middle of my calves. He was hunched over the motor of an unidentifiable vehicle; oil and grease up to his elbows, his shaggy hair falling in his eyes.
I knocked on the side of the door frame and his head shot up. His smile enveloped his face as he registered who beckoned. That smile…it would get me every time.
"Bells, what'd you do…walk through a river to get here," he remarked as he took in my rather soaking appearance.
"I was kinda anxious to see you and walking pace just wasn't cutting it," I explained amusingly, yet completely honest.
He laughed. And not just any laugh…his laugh. I knew instantly I made the right decision.
"You really shouldn't be running. With your track record and the ground being all slippery and wet…I really don't feel like visiting the emergency room today," he quipped with a smirk.
I couldn't wait any longer and walked over to where he was standing; some random tool in his hands. His towering height left him hovering over me and I found myself craning my neck to look him in the eyes. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest and I could feel the blood rushing to paint my cheeks.
He noticed the change in mood, "Are you alright, Bells?"
"Actually, there's something I need to talk to you about. The kiss we had, in the woods the other day…"
He stepped away from me, sighed, and avoided my eyes, focusing on something behind me.
"You know, Bella, I don't regret it. And don't expect me to say I do either. I wanted to kiss you and I don't care if you thought it was disgusting or of you regret it or if you hate me for it," he rambled on and on. I had to force an interruption.
"Jake! Shut up!"
He was taken aback and waited for me to continue.
"All I want to say is thank you. Not just for saving my life, or the Cullen's lives that day. For everything."
He looked at me with a puzzled expression, and I continued, "I want it Jake. I want everything with you. Kissing you in the woods that day made me realize what I'd always known. You're it for me. There's no one else. Kissing you wasn't a mistake and I don't regret it.
You showed me the sun when I thought I would never be able to even open my eyes. And you made me feel alive after I'd been left broken. So I drove here like a mad-woman and ran through puddles to say thanks."
I looked at him with as much intent and happiness I could muster. My arm slid around his waist and my other hand reached for his face. I stood on my tip toes and still had to reach for his eye-level.
"I want everything with you, Jake. Always."