Title: Disclosure
Author: loonie_lupin
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Characters/Pairing: Hotch, JJ (frienship only)
Spoiler: I guess up to season 4, but nothing that really could spoil the episodes (I haven't even seen season 4)
Rating: FRT
Summary: During his downtime, Hotch finds JJ on his doorstep…
Disclaimer: The characters and settings are not mine but the property of their creators.
Disclosure
Hotch was sitting down in his living room, a novel in hand. He had bought it quite some time ago but, somehow, he had never gotten around reading it. Of course, with his job taking most his time and his effort to spend all of his downtime with Haley and Jack, he hadn't had much time. But now Haley had left with Jack and the team actually got a respite from their workload so he had finally sat down with it and begun his reading.
However, not long after he had initiated his reading, he heard the doorbell ring. Startled, he frowned. He wasn't expecting anyone and he had no idea of who would come and see him. Most of the people who usually came there had been for Haley and since the moment she had moved out, the bell had stayed mostly silent; having guest was a rare thing.
Still, he got up, setting the book on his coffee table, and went to open it. The bright side of thing was that it couldn't be the Bureau with a new case; they would have phoned.
He checked who was there before opening, deformation of the job, and was more than a little surprised to see JJ on his doorstep, holding a sleeping Henry in her arm. She seemed slightly agitated and that realization made his brows furrow further. He had a bad feeling about it.
He immediately opened the door to welcome the blonde agent, whose eyes were focused on the ground.
"JJ, hello," he greeted.
She finally looked up and the first thing he saw was the black eye she was sporting and her split lip. Her eyes were red, as if she had cried – which, admittedly, she probably had – and seemed a bit lost.
"I didn't know where to go," she stated as an explanation for her presence.
The mere sound of her voice was enough to shake Hotch out of his stupor and he erased himself from the doorway, motioning for her to come in.
"Thanks," she said as she walked in, letting him close the door behind her.
"JJ, what happened?" he asked, even though he had to admit he had a pretty good idea.
After all, she was there with him and not at her place with her lover, Henry's father.
"I… Will… he," she couldn't get past the first words, unable to form a complete sentence yet.
"It's alright JJ. You don't need to tell me immediately. Why don't you go sit down? Do you want something to drink? A glass of water?"
He would have gladly proposed her something stronger, to which she would have probably agreed to make it easier to tell him, but it wasn't what she needed at the moment and he knew it. What she needed was to calm down and alcohol almost certainly wouldn't help any. No, what she required at the moment was to drink some fresh water and gather her thoughts before she could explain to him what exactly happened.
She nodded shakily and sat down on the couch, waiting for him too return. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. It was quite easier now that she was there; if there was one person in the world that could make her feel safe, it was Hotch. Now that she was with him, there was no reason to be afraid anymore.
He returned promptly with the glass of water and she shifted Henry slightly so she could use one of her hand to hold it. Hotch noticed the gymnastic she had to make and reacted accordingly.
"Do you want to put Henry in the bedroom? I still have the park Haley and I used when Jack was his age."
"Yeah… Thank you, Hotch," she said, grateful, and followed him, letting her half-finished beverage on the table.
They were silent and JJ internally thanked her boss for not trying to make chitchat while she tried to put herself back together and find the words to explain the reason of her presence in his home after dusk. It was already difficult enough without having to pretend normality. Of course, she knew that she would have to speak up soon.
And speak up she did. Once Henry was settled, the door of the bedroom staying wide open so that they would hear if he began wailing, they went back to the living room and she began her tale.
She had gone out early afternoon, leaving the baby in Will's care. They had planned it beforehand, so she could go shopping and take care of herself because she hadn't had a lot of time to herself recently. She wasn't supposed to come back home late, though, but she had encountered an old friend and she had stayed outside quite a bit later than intended. She had come home to find Will mad. He apparently hadn't appreciated her lateness, especially since Henry wouldn't stop crying. Thankfully, he hadn't taken his anger out on the baby but he hadn't shown the same restraint with her. The tone had rapidly escalated and, before she realized the danger, he had punched her. He had taken off immediately afterwards, not saying anything.
She hadn't lost any time and, before her shock even wore off, she had taken Henry and was out of her apartment, on her way to Hotch's. To be honest, she had hesitated a few seconds, thinking than maybe Will would come back and apologize, before she cast out that thoughts. She knew that if she forgave him and gave him another chance, she was taking the risk of becoming entangled in a spiral that would never end and she didn't want that for Henry. She didn't want that for herself either.
"So I left and… I came here, because you were the only one I could think of," she concluded her story.
She had known that there were other people she could have gone to; anyone on the team would have welcomed her. But she had deliberately chosen Hotch. She knew that Emily's was where Will would have looked for her first and, while she knew that the other woman would have stopped him from doing anything, she hadn't wanted another confrontation that day. Garcia, even though she was her best friend, would have tried too hard to cheer her up. Going to Reid could have been a possibility but, as good a profiler as he was and as much as she liked him, there was no denying he wasn't all that good with human interactions and she knew he would have been ill at ease, not trying what to say to her, which would have made her stay pretty awkward. With Morgan, she wouldn't have had the time to finish her story that he would have gone after Will and she knew that answering by violence wasn't the right solution in that case. She didn't know Rossi enough to go to him in such a moment, especially since she had no idea how he would react. That left Hotch, the one who was always there for any of them and who was level-headed enough to take all she had to say in strike, without overreacting.
"I'm glad you came. And I'm glad you got away, you deserve way better than that, JJ," he soothed her worries with a few chosen words and she had to smile, despite herself, despite the situation.
It was like hearing her own father talk but, in a way, the Hotch had become the father of the team, more than ever after Gideon's departure.
"It's getting pretty late," he went on. "I've got a spare room, so why don't you sleep here tonight? You are going to rest now and, tomorrow, we will go to the police station and make damn sure he has no other choice than stay away from you and Henry."
She had to admit, this was another reason why she had come there. She knew that she wouldn't have to think about what to do afterwards. She had no qualm about letting Hotch take the lead. She was too emotionally tired to be able to think rationally at the moment. Though there was one thing that frightened her.
"He's a cop," she stated.
Hotch nodded.
"He also assaulted a federal agent. He's not going to get away with that, cop or no."
She acquiesced before getting up, following her upstairs. She frowned when they bypassed the spare room without stopping.
"Hotch?" she inquired.
He looked at her questioningly before realizing what she was asking.
"I will take the spare room," he told her, matter-of-factly. "So you can stay with Henry," he added when he sensed her on the verge of objecting, obviously not wanting to kick him out of his own bed.
"I don't want to be a bother," she said as they entered the bedroom again, lowering her voice as to not wake Henry up.
"You aren't," he stated.
He went to rummage through his drawers and got a light blue t-shirt out.
"Here, you can use that as a pajama. I'm sorry, but I don't think that any of my pants would fit," he added, seeming really apologetic.
She chuckled lightly.
"It's all right. I'm already taking your bed and now raiding your closet. I think you have already done more than your share," she said self-depreciatingly.
"Alright, I will let you go to sleep. You know where I will be so…. If you need anything, come and get me."
JJ nodded, saying goodnight, but she stopped him as he was getting to the door.
"Hotch…. Do you think I made the right decision? For Henry? Or am I a coward? Will he understand why I'm keeping him from his dad or will he resent me for it?"
She was looking so fragile, tears pooled in her blue eyes, looking at him like a lost little girl, clutching at his shirt as if it was a security blanket but, at the same time, she was so strong; it was breaking his heart to see her like that. However, he could answer her, maybe better than anyone from the team could have.
He went back and sat down on the bed, next to her. He took one of her hand in his and looked intently at her.
"You made the right choice. For you and for Henry. You're not a coward, far from it. You are a very courageous person. It takes more courage to walk away from an abuser than to stay. Henry… I'm not going to lie to you, he probably won't understand at first. He will ask you why he can't see his father, ask you why you're keeping them apart. But once he's fully capable to understand the ramification of what his father has done, what could have happened – to you or to him – if you had stayed with him, he will realize why you did it and he will thank you for it. You have seen some of the worse of human behavior, JJ. You know that it would probably not have gotten better if you had stayed and you know that you made the choice you would have advised anyone in your situation to make. I know it's more difficult when it's about your own life but you have to trust yourself, to trust your instinct. You know you made the right choice."
He became silent after stressing the last sentence and looked at the tears falling down silently on her cheeks. She hadn't looked away once, she had looked right into his eyes during his whole speech and was now smiling softly. He used his free hand to brush the tears away and she clung at it, leaning her cheek on it.
"Thank you, Hotch," she murmured, her throat tight, before letting go of his hand.
He nodded and got up, squeezing once the hand he still held before letting go, kissing her forehead, like he would have done with a child, the child she wasn't. This time, she didn't call him back when he got to the doorway but he still stopped, turning to her and looking at her for a few moments before smiling sadly.
"For what it's worth, JJ, I wish my mother had had your courage," he stated before letting himself out and closing the door softly.
She stared at the closed door for a while before closing her eyes. She knew the reason that had motivated him to tell her that. Part of it was because he wanted to let her know, once again, that she had made the right decision; he had certainly made that very clear. She also knew that part of the reason was 'an eye for an eye'. He had told her something personal, something that happened to him and that he kept a secret, so that she wouldn't feel weak. He knew something that could break her and now so did she. She had ammunition if he ever used his knowledge against her or could answer in kind if she caught him pitying her. He needn't have done it; she trusted him and knew he would never do anything to betray that faith.
It was only hours later, as she was lying in bed, wearing his shirt, eyes fixated on the ceiling, unable to sleep, that she realized that there was another motive for his whispered confession. Maybe he just needed to tell someone.