Content for this chapter...

Date: 5th March 2017
Overview: Just an introduction, nothing too fancy, but it does include my slightly above average attempt at humour. :^)
Main Characters: Bayonetta, Toon Link, Ness, Lucas, Villager
Side Characters: Peach, Master Hand, Mega Man
Word Count: 2,373

Chapter One: Bootleg Splatoon

"No, no, no! Absolutely not!"

"But Peach-" Master Hand almost whined, until he was rudely cut off by the Princess.

"Master Hand, I am not going to sit through another second of utter chaos with those little devils!" the blonde outraged.

"You're exaggerating, right?" he asked hopefully.

"Not at all!" Peach fumed.

The floating glove heaved a sigh of exasperation. "Alright, fine. Have it your way, then. I've got no time for this..."

He continued sternly, pointing a giant gloved finger at Peach, "But if those children get hurt or get into any sort of trouble today, you're taking the blame."

And with that, the floating glove snapped his fingers and teleported away. Peach huffed in irritation, crossing her arms grumpily. She had made it clear that she would keep to her word and never, ever babysit the children ever again. But Master Hand was notorious for his unreasonable punishments, and the princess had no intention of receiving the short end of the stick. The cogs in her head started to turn... And the princess's eyes lit up at the idea that popped in her head.

She would make someone else do the job!

But who? Most of the cast were busy in a tournament, or already had their share of spending time with the children. She would usually rely on Rosalina for these kind of things, but alas, she was probably off dededestroying King Dedede somewhere. After a great deal of thinking, Peach concluded with the perfect someone. Someone who hadn't spent any time with the children and generated so much salt that Master Hand had to limit the number of tournaments she could attend.

Bayonetta.

The raven-haired witch knew that they existed, but didn't really care otherwise. She'd much rather be a nuisance to the rest of the Smashers, especially Samus. The bounty hunter had been subject to many, many of her pranks, or 'social experiments', as the witch called them. Sending her to the children would be an obvious choice. It was killing two birds with one stone! Grinning in victory, Peach dashed out of the room to find the Umbra Witch.

But of course, it never occurred to the princess that the witch would get along perfectly with the children; especially with that common trait of theirs.

"Hey Bayo!" Peach called out to the witch, who was lounging on a sofa with a newspaper in one hand and a teacup in the other.

The witch looked up curiously from the semi-interesting article she was reading about an orange man trying to build a wall around a certain country where countless McDonald's outlets reign supreme.

"You free right now?" Peach asked.

Bayonetta placed the article on her lap and purred, "Very."

Peach ignored her seductive tone with a not-very-subtle eye-roll. Fortunately, the witch was occupied with her cup of tea. "You know about the usual troublemakers, right?" the princess asked.

The witch cast her a look of complete and utter disinterest, but replied anyway, "I'm incredibly tempted to say no, Princess. This better be good."

"Great! You'll be babysitting them for a while."

Bayonetta spluttered and choked on the tea she was drinking, then slammed the cup onto the table beside her with so much force that it shattered into a bajillion pieces. Oh, and the table shattered, too. "What?" she croaked, her voice uncharacteristically raspy from her disbelief.

Peach giggled at her reaction. "You heard me. Babysitting!"

"No, no, no! Absolutely not!" the witch protested.

"Oh? And why's that?" Peach asked innocently.

"Uh... Tournaments!" Bayonetta exclaimed, getting up hastily. "Yes, I've got tournaments later on! Might as well snag a few wins before the next nerf, am I right or am I right?"

"Bayo, you're not getting nerfed again. Besides, I checked with Mario before this, and he said your name wasn't on any tournament today."

An incredibly colourful string of curses poured out from the witch as she slammed a hand on her face. Bayonetta slumped back onto the sofa and heaved an exasperated groan. "Get someone else to do it..."

"But you have to!" Peach exclaimed and realised how loud she sounded. She cleared her throat self-consciously and explained, "It's, uh, Master Hand's orders. Master Orders, if you will, haha..."

Bayonetta raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

"No, no, nothing of the sort!" Peach insisted.

"I don't believe you."

The Mushroom Princess was beginning to lose her patience. "Just go, before they escape!"

Bayonetta smirked in amusement. "Did you quarantine them properly?"

"Um... yes? No...?" Peach shook her head and huffed. "Nevermind! Go on, shoo!"

Before Bayonetta could shoot a snark at the princess, she pushed her off the sofa, into the winding corridors, past a confused Mario, and finally in front of a room with a bright yellow danger sign hanging loosely on its door.

"Okay, have fun, bye!" Peach babbled, skedaddling away as fast as her dress allowed her to.

Bayonetta scowled and folded her arms in petty irritation. "Who did she think she was, pushing me around like that?" she grumbled.

Just then, the witch heard a loud crash coming from the room, followed by a not-very-okay sounding "I'm okay". Bayonetta tried opening the door, but it was either stuck or locked. Assuming the latter, she turned around, whistling innocently, (if she had pockets, she would've stuffed her hands in them) right before a silver key flew towards her. Instinctively, she triggered witch time, causing the identified flying object to float in a small void of purple.

The witch plucked the key from mid-air and twisted it into the keyhole with a sigh. "What lies through the door to Wonderland..."

As Bayonetta stepped into the 'quarantine', she immediately had to duck as a blob of red paint flew over her head, splattering messily onto the wall. She huffed in irritation.

Ness, who was taking cover underneath a paint-splattered cardboard box, wriggled his paint-splattered head out and yelled, "Who goes there?!"

The witch muttered flatly, "Me."

"Who's 'me'?" Another muffled voice joined in.

Ness giggled and screeched, "It's Princess Turdstool!"

The unknown voice declared, "Then let's kill her!"

With a gasp, she dodged the hail of paint bullets flying towards her by diving across the rectangular room. "I'm not Peach, damn it!"

The onslaught of paint paused for a moment. A young blond Hylian peeked his head out from behind the pale green sofa at the end of the room. "Hey, it's Mayonetta!" he exclaimed in surprise.

"Nailed it," she muttered.

Wanting to stick with his earlier joke, Ness asked, feigning innocence, "What are you guys talkin' abo-"

He broke off with a gasp as red paint pelted onto the back of his head. He dove back into the box, and edged behind the sofa closer to where Bayonetta was. Farther into the room, Toon Link and Lucas high-fived each other, laughing victoriously.

Suddenly, Villager popped out from one of the cushions and pulled out an incredibly realistic assault rifle from his incredibly unrealistic pocket. Bayonetta didn't even bother stopping him as he fired blue paint bullets at the opposing team, his aim going haywire with the recoil. They could get hurt, for all she cared. They were Smashers, after all. They could easily survive a few paint bullets to the head. Instead, she looked around the room, narrowing her eyes as she saw Mega Man sprawled out in a pool of crimson, his eyes dull and lifeless.

"May I ask... Is Astro Boy over there alright?"

Bayonetta heard Ness's muffled response from the box, "Yeah, I'm sure he's fine!"

"He's just having a break! It's like a low-battery mode for him!" Toon Link piped up from across the room. Villager took the opportunity to head-shot him with blue bullets, making the Hylian yelp in surprise and duck behind the sofa.

Bayonetta tilted her head slightly to the side and blinked in bafflement. To no one in particular, she murmured, "Okay..."

"DON'T STEAL MY TAUNT!" Ness screeched and flung a slab of blue paint at Bayonetta, who easily sidestepped away from it. A light-bulb went off somewhere in her head. She should, at the very least, have some fun while being in this horrible, horrible quarantine.

She grinned audaciously and mimicked the young psychic, even going as far as doing the little nod, "Okay."

Immediately afterwards, a battle cry exploded from Ness as he shot a hail of blue paint towards the witch with his psychic powers. She dodged them by diving over the sofa, triggering witch time in the process.

Ness screeched in fury, "I told you guys witch time had to be nerfed! I TOLD YOU!"

Bayonetta snuck a peek from the edge of the sofa, but the psychic was prepared. He immediately shot a slab of blue paint towards the witch. Unfortunately for Ness, Bayonetta was prepared, too. With lightning-quick reflexes, she dived back to safety, but unfortunately for Bayonetta, the slab of paint redirected its path towards her, and the witch yelped in surprise before she was left with a blue splattered face. She cursed in irritation, pulling her glasses off to regain her vision.

The Umbra Witch felt someone tugging on her weaves, and looked down to find Villager beside her. He was completely drenched in red, and his eyes gleamed with mischief. The sight somehow disconcerted her, sending a chill down her spine. Not to mention the fact that he appeared there without any warning or sound. Villager offered the assault rifle to her and pointed eagerly at the opposing team. Bayonetta regained her composure and flashed him a smirk. She took the weapon from his hands, ruffling his paint-soaked hair playfully. After all, she couldn't turn down a free gun. "I like how you think, little one."

Rapid gunshots filled the room, much to the dismay of the Red Team.

"Dude! You already have Mega Man on your team!" Lucas whined, completely oblivious to the fact that the not-so-super fighting robot had passed out in a pool of crimson red... paint.

Villager made a few angry hand gestures, which Toon Link kindly translated. "Mega Man bloody died, and Ness went full retard over the taunt, so that leaves the two of us."

Lucas glanced at the psychic, who was furiously and aimlessly flailing paint at Bayonetta. Needless to say, all of his shots missed. The blond psychic blinked in bewilderment.

"I guess it's understanda-" Lucas broke off with a yelp as a splodge of blue splattered smack on his face.

"Less talk, more shooting," Bayonetta interjected. Just then, the rifle stopped firing. It had run out of ammo, making the witch scowl in irritation. Her handguns never had this problem. "Requesting back-up! Villager! Do you read?!"

Villager jumped and made a beeline towards a supply of paint bottles, ammunition and make-shift bombs. His mouth flew open as he skidded on the floor, slamming straight onto Mega Man. The robot jolted awake with a snork, his eyes illuminating again.

"This won't do. This won't do at all..." Bayonetta contemplated in dismay. The floor had a thick layer of red and blue paint lathered all over. They needed a fresh new place for their little game. "Let's relocate, then we'll have an excellent game of real life Splatoon."

The children's expressions lit up upon hearing her suggestion.

Mega Man had snapped out of his weary and confused state, only to whine, "No way! The adults won't allow it!"

"Silly little robot." Bayonetta playfully booped his nose. "I am an adult."

"Y-yeah, but, it's against the rules!" he protested.

"Rules are meant to be broken, little one."

"B-but-"

"RULES ARE MEANT TO BE BROKEN!" the children yelled in agreement, cutting off poor ol' Mega Man.

Bayonetta grinned in approval. "It'll be fine. If anything goes south, we'll just pin the blame on the princess."

"But... there's just one problem," Lucas interrupted. "You see, we're not allowed out of this room, and if anyone catches us outside, we're gonna get an hour long lecture from Princess Turdstool."

The children giggled at the nickname.

"That won't be a problem," Bayonetta remarked casually. She drew a large circle in the air with a finger, forming a purple Umbran portal. She stepped into Purgatorio and disappeared from the children's sight.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" her voice echoed from the other side.

The children's eyes gleamed in delight, and they followed the witch into the realm, chirping in excitement.

. . .

. . . . . . .

. . .

Master Hand paused doing his paperwork. He felt something nagging at him, tugging at the end of his gloved fingers. Whenever the Smashers decided to do something stupid, his sixth sense would activate, indicating that something was amiss.

Letting his instinct take over, he floated throughout the mansion, trying to locate where the racket came from. It seemed to be coming from the main hall, the largest room in the Mansion. He pushed open the door, and was greeted with an absolute orgy of colours and wind-borne slabs of red and blue paint.

"What in the wo-"

The floating glove broke off as he ducked under a red grenade. He watched, his index finger twitching, as it exploded behind him, splattering him with crimson. He whipped around menacingly, like how cliched murderers would turn to face their victims. The red paint added a nice touch to it, too.

As soon as Master Hand saw Ness holding a sniper rifle, he screeched, "PEACH!"

"ABORT MISSION!" the psychic shrieked and dived beside a flipped table, where he disappeared into an Umbran portal out of sight from the floating glove.

Master Hand furiously teleported Peach beside him, throwing her into a flurry of confusion. The princess's eyes grew as round as dish plates upon viewing the scene in front of her. "You're going to clean this mess by tonight."

Meanwhile, Bayonetta ushered the remaining children into Purgatorio, careful not to alert Master Hand of their presence. Together, they listened to Peach's feeble protests, giggling in amusement and exchanging friendly high-fives.

"What's next?" Toon Link spoke up, looking at the witch expectantly.

Bayonetta stared at the paint-drenched bunch. They stared back, still bubbling and fizzling with exhilaration. A fond smile etched itself onto her features.

"What's next..." she hummed, "...is a well-needed bath."

A/N.

Finally, the first chapter's done! Hopefully I'll be able to update this regularly... I wanna contribute some premium-quality, ultra-soft Bayonetta to this cesspool of a website. Look forward to Mummy Bayo in later chapters... Lord knows we need more of that. Lord also knows that I need more reviews. :)