The Fall

Things had been tense from the moment they met.

Castiel would never forget the cold, untrusting look in Dean Winchesters eyes when he stepped foot into the cold, dirty barn he had been summoned too. He studied the various sigil's and symbols that had been etched heavily onto the wall with black paint, they screamed distrust and paranoia.

'Who the hell are you?' he asked, though Castiel suspected that he already knew the answer.

The angel stepped forward, meeting the man's eyes with a strong gaze.

'I am the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.'

There was a short pause before Dean pulled a blade from behind his back.

'Yeah… thanks for that.'

Even when he stabbed the metal deep into the angels chest Castiel held no resentment towards him, after all this was god's plan. It would take much more than a weak blade to ward off an angel of the lord. Dean Winchester would never admit it but he was scared. He feared things that could not be explained, things like angels.

When god willed the angel to watch over the two men he did so willingly and without question. The pair made him curious, especially Dean. His loyalty to his brother was something the angel found himself drawn to.

When Castiel pulled Dean out of hell he was a warrior of god; cold and stone faced, following orders and doing as he was told like a good little solider. But over time he found himself questioning his actions and his loyalties, soon after he began questioning his faith in god and fellow angels he found himself spending more and more time with the Winchesters, helping them out from time to time until eventually it became a regular thing. The angel would go as far as to say that they had become comrades.

As time passed Castiel slowly began to change, whether it was the presence of the Winchester brothers or spending more time on earth the angel wasn't sure, but he definitely wasn't the same. His attitude towards humans had changed; he no longer saw them as a nuisance but an intelligent race that deserved a great deal of respect. He learnt a lot about being human and ultimately that power wasn't everything.

The only thing humans had was each other, which is why Castiel was happy to do almost anything for the Winchester brothers. They had taught him a lot, and despite his failings they offered him forgiveness, something which he could never repay.

Although their friendship was rocky Castiel remained somewhat faithful to the two of them. When the prayed for him, he came as soon as he was able and did what he was asked without question. Dean and Sam were the first humans to show him friendship after he found himself abandoned by his brothers and sisters, they had helped him find a sense of purpose and he vowed to help them in any way that he could, it was a way of atoning for the sins he had committed.

Every time the brothers asked him to fight he fought with every ounce of his strength to protect them. He had put his life on the line many times for the sake of the strange bizarre friendship that had formed between the three of them. For the first time in his long lifetime Castiel found that he was almost content.

Until slowly; things began to change.

He first noticed it during the fight against Lucifer and his followers, the battle slowly began to take its toll on all them.

The constant fighting and being surrounded by death was making them all miserable; especially Dean. The elder Winchester had become snappy and irritable; his prayers were no longer polite and patient. Dean had never been one for mannerisms, but now he didn't even thank the angel for his services, his thanks were replaced with anger and frustration.

It seemed that everything Castiel did just wasn't good enough.

It made him angry.

'You know you should show me some respect,' he spat angrily, 'I pulled you out of hell, I can throw you back in.'

His words didn't seem to have any effect on Dean's attitude. He couldn't understand what had caused the sudden change. When they prayed for his presence he came, he did anything that was asked of him yet there was no gratitude. It was almost as if his constant help was expected from him, like it was his job.

The angel remembered the slow build of hurt and frustration gnawing away at him, angel's weren't supposed to feel emotion but Castiel found himself feeling. He no longer felt the happiness and content that used to come with feeling needed and helping the Winchester brothers, now each time they prayed he hoped it would be some time before they asked for his help again.

He recalled one of the first big disagreements between them. A large group of bloodthirsty demons had Sam and Dean surrounded,

He knew that working with Crowley was a mistake, yet he did it anyway.

It was a decision that had been born out of desperation, desperation to fix his mistakes and try and make Dean and Sam happy again by saving the world. He wanted to prove that he was strong and useful, but ultimately his decisions only seemed to make things worse.

'Dean, I thought I was doing the right thing.'

Dean looked at him in disappointment.

'Yeah, you always do.'

Dean and Sam never looked at him the same way after his betrayal, but Castiel never stopped trying.

His obsession with god only caused him to make more mistakes. God was the reason he had fallen so far, the angel had put all his faith into a creator who ultimately never cared at all. The world needed a new god, someone strong who was righteous, someone to rise from the flames like a phoenix.

So why not Castiel?

Of course that was just another mistake, but by now he had stopped caring. That was just him, one mistake after another. It was a shame Death hadn't killed him when the Winchesters had asked.

After he helped Dean escape purgatory the angel thought he would never see him again, but ultimately it seemed the pair couldn't stay away from one another.

Time passed and now he was Human he was useless, it would only be a matter of time before he would be abandoned.

'You can't stay here.'

He had been right.

It had been almost 3 months since he had been forced to leave the company of the Winchester brothers and Castiel could still hear Dean's hurtful words echoing around in his mind.

The angels had fallen from heaven, his grace had been stolen from him leaving him weak and vulnerable and to make things worse he had been kicked out onto the streets by one of his only friends, leaving the ex-angel feeling helpless and lost.

Ever since the fallen angel left the bunker with little money Dean had stuffed into a worn backpack and a few stolen credit cards along with the few borrowed clothes on his back he had been heading in a downward spiral.

He tried to tell himself that he would have left the bunker of his own freewill eventually in a pathetic attempt to lessen the pain he felt but after a while he stopped feeding himself the lie. After all this time it still hurt to think that after everything they had been through together it was Dean who had kicked him out.

Feelings were new to the Castiel; ever since he became human everything had been completely overwhelming. The thirst, hunger and fatigue were a nuisance but he knew he would grow accustom to them over time; but one thing he was sure he would never grow used to was emotion.

Emotion was a strange thing, he first felt it when Metatron slit his throat and he felt his power drain away, it was a sense of helpless; something which he had now come to identify as fear. Confusion was the one he felt the most, despite watching over earth for thousands of years he would never get over the new sensation that was described as humanity. There were a lot of things fallen angel would never understand, there were so many questions about his new life buzzing around in his head but there was no one around to ask.

He was lonely.

Castiel didn't miss the way people's eyes followed him wherever he went. He spent two months wondering the streets and hopping from Motel to Motel with his stolen credit card, just watching and observing; learning how to survive. Stranger's gazes lingered on his messy hair and miss fitting clothes. Where ever he went Castiel knew he would never fit in, even as an angel he had always been somewhat of an outcast, now as a human he felt ever more isolated than ever. The first few weeks since he would pull out the cell phone Dean had given him every morning and he would stare at it longingly, stroking the call button with his fingertips. It would only take one phone call to make the isolation subside; just the sound of Dean's voice would be enough to give him the motivation to carry on.

Of course he never did call him, he wanted to but he couldn't find the courage to do it. Eventually his stolen credit card stopped working, and so he had no other option but to call.

He was surprised that Dean had even answered.

'Hello?'

Castiel suddenly found himself speechless, it had been too long since he'd heard that voice.

'Dean it's me.'

'Cas?'

'Dean I'm sorry to bother you but I-'

'I'm sorry Cas I gotta go I'm busy, I'll call you back later,'

'Dean wait-'

The line went dead, along with Castiel's hopes.

Another month passed since the phone call and of course Dean never did call him back but Castiel wasn't surprised, he was a burden; he should never have called. Dean didn't have the time to care for a pathetic fallen angel when he was so busy saving lives, but still a small part of him was disappointed.

He had finally ran out of cash, all he had left were a few notes and small change; not enough for a roof over his head. After checking out of the motel he wandered until he found himself sitting beneath a tree at a park, watching strangers pass by. He emptied the contents of his back onto the ground, trying to figure out what to do next. It wouldn't be long before he ran out money completely, then how would obtain food and water.

He let out a heavy sigh and leaned back against the tree and closed his eyes. Things had been less stressful when he was an angel and he had no need for sustenance. His thoughts drifted back to the short phone call he had with Dean a month ago. Back when he had his grace whenever Dean had called him the angel came without hesitation and did his best to help him with whatever he needed, anything from fighting battles to healing the brothers. Even when heaven was at war he still found the time to offer his help. But now he needed Dean's help and he was nowhere to be seen.

It wasn't fair.

Sure he had made mistakes, but he had learnt from them. Did Dean still hold a grudge against him for all the times he had lied to him and Sam?

A strong gust of wind caused him to shiver; he crossed his arms in a dismal attempt to stay warm and buried his face deeper into his blue zip up jacket. He missed his trench coat, he had been forced to get rid it, it would only attract attention if any angels were looking for him.

Castiel pushed himself to his feet and began walking; he ignored the emptiness in his stomach, he could find food later, he had to find shelter for the night before it grew too dark. As he passed a trashcan he paused before digging a hand in his pocket and pulling out his unused cell-phone. He stared at is with a frown, now was sure that Dean had only given it to him to make himself feel less guilty, he probably never had any intention of actually using it.

After little contemplation he snapped the device into two pieces before tossing it into a trash can and walking away. It was better to get rid of the temptation.

Now he had severed ties with the Winchesters he was completely on his own, it was a terrifying thought.

After spending months alone he had grown used to the solitude of his own company, but of course this had made his non-existent social skills worse than ever. Trying to find a job was hard, with no experience in any kind of work place it wasn't easy, and sleeping on the cold hard ground was getting old fairly quickly, his back was starting to ache.

Castiel wasn't sure why but one day he gave up.

He was too tired and simply couldn't find the energy to lift himself from the corner of the abandoned bus he'd made his home. He stopped drinking and eating. He felt hollow and empty, this must be what depression feels like.

His limbs were shaking from the cold. His other homeless companions had tried to lure him out to the fire but he shook his head, after a few attempts they left him alone, perhaps they could sense his defeat. They left him a few worn, hole ridden blankets before leaving him in peace. A part of Castiel felt warm inside from the nice sentiment, but it soon burned out.

Perhaps he deserved this; maybe this was his fate for failing heaven, he was destined to die in the cold as a human.

Another cold shiver sent tingles through his body and Castiel winced at the numbness in his fingers. Death seemed oddly inviting to him right now.

As he lay still in his feverish state he couldn't help but wonder, where would he go when he died?

There was certainly no place for him in heaven.

Castiel failed as an angel, and even more as a human; he didn't deserve to live.

He closed his eyes and waited for the darkness to take him.