A/N: I don't own Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero or anything else mentioned
Sashi and Boone could be better off at the moment.
Currently, the part-time Wiseman and sidekick were both tied back to back to chairs in an empty room on the top floor of a hotel that was run by the mafia. The world that Phyllis had sent them to was a world filled with assassins and gangsters. Penn, Boone and Sashi had become federal agents and their mission was to shut down Boss Vinnie Valentine's operation once and for all. But right from the start, the mission went sideways. Rippin—who has become Vinnie Valentine—found them out almost instantly and had his men overpower the trio. When Boone and Sashi woke up, they found themselves in their current situation and Penn was nowhere to be found. It was more than likely that the part-time hero had been dragged off by Rippin and his men to be executed in the painful fashion for the part-time villain's amusement.
They had failed. They failed the mission, and more importantly, they failed their friend. Sashi was especially saddened by this since she felt that she had failed the boy she loved. The two had just started their relationship, and it only made the pain in the sidekick's heart hurt even more since it was her job to protect him. no doubt Rippin and Larry would be coming into the room to gloat how they had slain their longtime adversary, and the moment they did Sashi swore that she would rip of her restraints and tear the villain's face off!
Suddenly, the two heroes heard the sounds of gunfire, shouting and the dying screams of men outside the room. They wondered what was going on outside, could Penn have survived? But then again, this wasn't his style to go charging head-long into the fray of battle—that was his girlfriend's preferred course of action. Just then, the door to the hostage's room flew open to reveal much to the teen's shock and relief their once thought dead friend standing before them. admittedly though, the redhead had seen better days.
Penn was covered from head to toe in cuts, bruises, bullet holes, stab wounds and even some bitemarks. Both of the boy's eyes had been beaten black and his upper lip had a large cut on it. The ginger's nose had been broken and was currently gushing blood from it. He used a blood-stained shovel to hold up his badly wounded body from collapsing to the group right then and there before his friends. However, the part-time's hoer's friends weren't caught up in the shape he was in, but one detail he was missing.
"Dude, why are you naked?" Boone asked his friend bluntly
Penn's response to that came to the form of a grimace as he limped up to the heavyset teen and promptly bopped him on the head with his shovel.
"Ow!" the Wiseman yelped "It was a legit question!"
"He is right, you know" Sashi pointed out "Why are you naked?"
"Really, guys? No 'oh thank Penn for saving mine Boone's collective asses from getting killed by Rippin's men! I swear I'll give you a thank you blowjob when we get back home!'" Penn said in a mock-tone of Sashi's voice
Sashi only narrowed her eyes in annoyance at her boyfriend's excessive sarcasm.
"Still not answering the question as to why your naked" Boone mentioned
"First off: Boone, shut up before I hit you again" Penn began "and secondly: if you guys must know, Rippin's men tried to put me in a wood chipper and Larry had me stripped down because he was afraid that my clothes would clog said wood chipper and they hadn't fully paid it off yet"
"They tried to put you in a wood chipper?!" Sashi gasped in horror
"Well no, that was they're second attempt to kill me" Penn corrected "the first attempt was trying to drown me in a well which I climbed out of and managed to sneak into the truck of Rippin's limo. I was going to surprise him, but then my phone went off and they heard it. Which now that I think about it, putting someone in wood chipper maybe isn't really overreacting when you see the guy you thought you killed jump out at you shouting 'surprise motherfucker! While swinging a shovel. And before you ask: I found the shovel in the truck, and no, I don't know why there was a shovel in the truck of a limo. Probably to bury a dead hooker with"
"You mean call girl" boone tried to correct
"No Boone, when they're dead their hookers!" Penn shot back before bopping in the head with the shovel once more
"So, that explains the wounds" Sashi surmised
"A little bit, but then I had to fight my way up twenty fucking floors in this goddam hotel to rescue you two" the hero furthered "three of which I had to go back up through twice because one of those assholes kicked me down an elevator shaft where I broke my ankle"
"How many guys did you kill?" the sidekick inquired
"I don't know, thirty-five, maybe? I was in total rage-mode the whole time" Penn guessed "I kinda lost count after I reached the eleventh floor, but I know it was a shit-ton of people though"
"Jesus, dude…" Boone gasped in amazement "and you did all that with just with a shovel…and naked?"
"Well not always, I mean I did use a gun and some knives that I picked up during the fights. I also strangled a guy with my dick which I won't go into detail about how I did that" Penn answered "speaking of knives, is there one still in me? Because it feels like there is"
The part-time hero turned around to reveal a switchblade logged into his side. The very sight of the wound made Boone want to vomit while Sashi got a little wet, turned on by the sight of her completely naked boyfriend covered in battle scars and other people's blood.
"It's lodged in one of your kidneys" his girlfriend informed him
"Well that explains why I was pissing blood" the ginger said off-handily
"How do you know that you were pissing blood?" the Wiseman asked
"Because I was peeing fruit punch when one of Rippin's henchmen came at me with a chainsaw while wearing only a gasmask and a thong" the part-time hero told him sharply, clearly not liking the idea of reliving that moment over again "and I think we can all agree that if someone charged at you with a chainsaw while looking like that that you would make a sudden bladder movement…along with a sudden bowel movement. Fortunately, I took that guy out with the good ol' 'pencil through the eyeball' trick"
"God that's hot" Sashi said with lust-filled voice
"You have issues, Sash" her heavyset friend commented before addressing the knife "Doesn't that hurt?"
"It will when I finally come down from all the adrenaline I'm running off of" the redhead answered as he yanked the blade out of his body "So let's get you out of these ropes so I go home and nurse these wounds while Sashi blows me for a week"
Sashi glowered at him in anger at that remark.
"Don't give that look" Penn said as he began to cut them free with the switchblade that was previous jammed into his side "I just had to John Wick my way through twenty floors of heavily armed thugs and assassins while my junk was swinging freely in the line of fire. So, the least you could do is suck me dry for putting up with this shit!"
"Fine, you big baby" the sidekick agreed with a defeated sigh "besides, all this violence has got me hot and bothered anyway"
"Wait, what about Rippin?" Boone suddenly wondered
"I wouldn't worry about him" the redhead assured "He ran off after I bite off his thumb back when he tried to put me in that wood chipper. Plus, I think he got freaked out when my dong touched his suit during the fight"
"And Larry?" Sashi questioned
"He limped off after Rippin after I broke his leg with ol' Betsy here" Penn replied as he motioned his head over to his shovel
"Come on man, Larry didn't deserve that" the Wiseman reasoned
"Well maybe next time Larry will think twice before trying to put me in a goddam wood chipper!" his friend snapped
With that, Penn finally managed to cut his teammates free from their bonds and helped them up. As he did, Sashi gave him a quick kiss on the cheek for all his hard work.
"Thanks for coming for us, PZ" she thanks "Now please, put some pants on"