So this was inspired by a typo I made in an old fanfic. I don't even like Twilight anymore, but I still like think some of the characters are kick ass. So here it is.
Emmett and the Pear
So one day Emmett Cullen was walking through a forest. Why? Nobody has any idea. He's weird.
So anyway, Emmett was walking, admiring all the wonderful birds, animals, trees. Until Emmett came to a tree he had never seen before. It had strange shaped green fruits on it.
"How peculier." Emmett observed, using his word-of-the-day from the calendar he stole from Alice's closet. "What is this object of fruitimity?" he asked aloud once again. He walked up to the strange tree and felt it's leaves. He picked one and put it in his mouth.
"Blah!" he spit it back out. The force of it dug a four foot hole into the earth. You see, Emmett forgot vampires drink blood, and anything else disgusts them.
Emmett was so disturbed by the fruit tree, he started to walk away, but Emmett had forgotten about the hole in the ground the pear had made, so Emmett stepped in the hole and fell over. Of course, vampires never fall over, so we have no idea why Emmett did at that point, but he did.
Emmett got so aggrivated now, he stood up, walked over to the pear tree and began to yell.
"YOU STUPID MOTHERSTUFFING ROCKSUCKING DEADBEAT OLD HAG OF A FARMER'S HOE TREE!" he screamed. He punched one of the tree's branches as hard as he could, causing one of the pears to go flying thirteen football fields away. Another pear, at the very top of the tree, sat dangling, only hanging on my a thread. Emmett was, of course, much too angry to notice, so he continued to vent.
"I hate trees, I hate the forest, I hate green, I hate this town, I hate food, I hate fruit, I hate humans and their stupid-ass weenuslicking WAYS!" Emmett screamed, stomping his foot down as hard as he could, causing the ground to shake. The pear that was only hanging by a thread, began to fall.
It fell, spinning through the air, it's landing spot set. Just a green blur through the air. It got closer and closer, until finally, it hit Emmett right in the head.
Emmett screamed like a little girl, and bat his arms around his head as if something was attacking him. Or was this because – something was attacking him?
The pear bounced off Emmett's empty skull and bounced off his arm. Emmett continued to scream and dance around in fear. The pear fell down from his arm, and hit him in the foot. Emmett was so scared at this point, he star-kicked like Michael Jackson. Emmett kicked something, but he didn't know what, but fortunately I do know what. Emmett had kicked the pear tree, and now all the pears were falling from the tree hitting and bouncing on Emmett while he screamed like a school girl.
Emmett was so terrified, he began to run as fast as he could back home.
From that day on, Emmett never stepped foot into that forest, never went to the produce section of the grocery store, even though he never goes to the grocery store anyway. He never went to art class when he knew he was drawing fruit, he couldn't even look at a tree without remembering that one eventful day amongst the trees. Emmett never told anyone of his encounter with that pear tree, and I don't think he ever will, even though Edward totally mind-raped him of that memory, and Alice saw it coming and had already told all the Cullens' about it.
And that is the story of Emmett and the Pear Tree.