Most of you probably read this on Tumblr but I want to keep all my writing in one spot. To new readers, enjoy!

It was the first shot ringing out that sent her heart racing. She watched her partner run after him as she tended the man with the GSW. They rounded the corner and were no longer in view. Jay was all alone. Her mind automatically went to negative thoughts, because she could never have something good in her life. It always seemed to get ripped away from her. She could hear the sounds of car tires screeching and their horns beeping before her partner's voice echoed through the radio.

"5021, George. Armed offender heading Westbound on 29th Street. Get me some guards!" His voice was shaking and she knew he was still running. Then the two gunshots were heard. Both shots reverberated in her mind over and over again. It sounded like his gun, but she wasn't sure. All she remembers is the burn in her throat.

"5021, George. Shots fired by the police. Offender down, 4000 block of West 29th street. Roll an ambulance." He was still alive. Thank God.

"... Hey partner, are you alright? … Jay are you there?!"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

She knew he would be, but it was that slight pause before he could get his answer out. It was that slight pause that made her heart race even faster than before. She could feel her heart drop into the depths of her lower body as she waited for what felt like years for him to answer. He was still panting, trying to regain his composure, but he had shot him. Both shots had been him.

He died within seconds. He wasn't even guilty. They had the wrong guy, but regardless, he still shot at them. Erin understood that well. She was raised by Hank Voight after all. He raised her on the policy of if anyone tries to hurt you, you can do whatever you want, they chose their fate. She lived with that policy for over 15 years now. But she knew how Jay was about this kind of stuff.

He was getting coffee later that evening, everyone had their noses in their paperwork. They had just caught the prick and Voight was down there with him in the cage. She watched Al storm out of the bullpen followed by Kevin when he found out. She could hear him yelling, then it ceased. Antonio must've arrived. It was out of their hands now.

She approached him quietly, but he could always feel her presence. He grabbed her mug from the rack and began to fill it without even looking back towards her. After handing the mug to her, he leaned against the countertop facing her, nursing his own cup.

"You doing okay?" Her voice was clouded with emotion. Today had been a rough day and she couldn't wait to get something in her to help her forget. But until then, coffee would have to be her only beverage.

"I should be asking you the same thing." He had a hint of teasing in his voice, something he always did when he was hurting. He never let himself get too vulnerable. Showing his emotions, especially at his workplace, would be one of the last things he would be caught dead doing.

"Jay… What you did today… it was justified… don't beat yourself up over it." She rested her free hand on his chest and slowly rubbed comforting circles into the fabric of his henley. She watched how his blue eyes started to get clouded grey. His tell sign of when something was hurting him. The last time he had that look was when they dropped Mouse of at the airport in his fatigues, not knowing of the next time they'd see him.

He watched Voight enter the bullpen again and pulled away from her. He respected Voight's professionalism rule since he turned a blind eye to their relationship. His throat felt thick and he cleared it before leaving the break room, leaving Erin behind.

They all drank at Molly's that night. To forget, maybe to heal. But they drank. Erin decided to take it easy after seeing how Jay drank shot after shot. She could feel the burning in her own throat, she could physically feel his pain. She wanted to take it away, just like he always did for her. But she was dealing too. They stumbled out of Molly's close to 11. Jay's entire weight shifted onto Erin.

She barely got him up the stairs to their apartment before she plopped him down on the couch. She probably wouldn't need another workout for the next couple of days after that journey. He fumbled for the TV remote on the coffee table as she left to their room to change into something comfortable. He had settled on watching the Weather Channel.

They sat in silence on the couch and watched the same thing over and over again before he spoke up.

"I killed someone by accident in Landigal." He looked her straight in the eyes as he spoke. She knew he wouldn't be doing this on his own volition, this was the liquid courage talking. She wanted to stop him, knowing how much he would be regretting this conversation in the morning, but she had to know what had happened to him over there.

"Everyone always told me it was okay… that it was justified." Her own words replayed in her mind. She realized she hit a sensitive spot when she used those words. She hadn't known. He had probably been thinking about Landigal all night after their break room conversation. "But I know it's not. Those words are just meant to make me feel better."

"Jay-"

"I had nightmares about it for months… and sometimes… sometimes they just come back up... You know, I've lost count on how many people I've shot and killed. Whether it was Afghanistan or Chicago… I just don't know. Honestly, what's the difference?" His words were slurred but she could hear the raw emotion behind them. It was like he was completely sober. "They'll be back tonight." His last few words were barely above a whisper.

She scooted closer to him, laying his head on her shoulder as she ran her hand through his hair. She didn't say anything. No words would bring him solace tonight. Her presence was the only thing she could give him right now.

"I'm sorry." His words bring her out of her thoughts. "I'm just being a downer right now. I should be comforting you, you lost someone that was close to you since you were 15. How are you doing?"

"We don't have to talk about that right now. Why don't we go to bed and we can talk in the morning?"

She felt his body tense. She could feel his apprehensiveness radiating off of him. Sleep was a dangerous thing to him. Sleep meant vulnerability. Because when she takes him into bed and tucks him in before placing a soft kiss on his lips, it won't be long before she's waking up again against his sweaty body, wiping his tears like she's done before. She'll hold him to her chest and whisper kind words into his hair over and over again until he finally succumbs to sleep. She'll hold him for a few more hours, before they're waking up again to that obnoxious alarm tone he uses. And she's going to be ready. Because he would do the same thing for her. He has done the same for her.