DISCLAIMER:

I don't own anything. I don't pretend to own any of these characters or anything that is related to this. I hope this disclaimer suffices. I ALSO DON'T OWN THIS SCREEN NAME. It's on loan by a friend…

If you like what you read…and you will…perhaps an account is in the near future

Dedicated to bffffffffff Saron. You little nerd you!

SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!:

This HAS SPOILERS FOR THE 7th BOOK. If you don't want to be confused or have things ruined its best not to read. Even though this is possibly the best story ever written.

Ralph Fiennes AND THE HALF BLOOD SCORCERER'S PHEONIX IN THE CHAMBER OF THE GOBLET OF ASKABAN…DEATHLY HOLLOWS.

Okay, so one day flippin' Ralph Fiennes is being all evil with his snake face and all sitting in Barnes and Noble on the day of the 7th book release drinking an iced mocha and saying to himself, "Wow, I am most definitely badass crazy Ralph Fiennes. I kill little baby children and have a snake face."

From behind the counter the pubescent little starbucks café employee scowls. He is and has been clearly annoyed by Lord Fiennes' audible ranting that has been non stop for the last few days.

"What? You wanna play?! 'Cause this playa don't play, bitch! I kill babies! And don't understand love! That's hardcore, alright!" Ralph yells towards the sad little cashier.

"Listen, Sir, its just that you come in here everyday and like for the past few weeks don't order anything and upset the other costumers." Squeaks the oh-so-alternative starbucks employee.

"Hey! You know what?! You better back on off because its summertime and nothing mutha effing happens in harry potter land during the summertime. Its actually very annoying and convenient, okay!"

"Sir, please stop yelling."

"God damn it!"

"Sir, that wasn't necessary."

"Do you see this!? I have a mutha effin snake face! You don't mess with that! You don't mess with someone who has a snake slash human face! Because it most definitely leads to that person being evil. Mother Theresa didn't have a snake face and she was very nice!" And with that crazy Ralph Fiennes stands violently knocking over the sleak yet functional café chair and briskly storms into the endless isles of literature.

The totally over it cashier then goes back to his measly duty of creating scrumptious coffee like drinks. Peace seems to settle over the Barnes and Noble, but it doesn't last long. Ralph Fiennes comes tromping back, 7th book in hand, lifts his fallen chair and sits royally upon it.

"I'm friggin' Ralph Fiennes, I don't need this." He mutters to himself, trying to keep his maleficent cool. He flipps vigorously to the end of the book.

"Are you ever going to buy one of those?" Quips the cashier because he is so defiant in his teenage angst.

"Are you ever going to tell your parents you're gay?"

"Society accepts me!"

"My Chemical Romance is playing at the Pond, you should go and cut yourself."

The melancholy adolescent rolls his eyes and goes to the back room of the café. In the break room he is apathetically greeted by college kids that he desperately wants approval from. "Whats up?" Asks one of the cools cats sitting on a fold out chair.

"That jerk off is back again. Its pissing me off."

"Oh, Ralph Fiennes?"

"Yeah."

Back on the café floor Mr. Fiennes diligently reads the action packed conclusion of the witchy saga. The book Mecca is silent with Harry Potter fans deep in concentration on Rowling's biblical words. Peace is restored once more. "Alan Rickman dies!" he pronounces abruptly.

"Jesus!" Exasperates a clear Potter fan boy. The rest of the café, and store for that matter, sighs and grunts in a final frustrated outburst.

"What the F!?" Cries Ralph as he throws the book down. "This sucks ass!" And with that he briskly makes for the door and exits dramatically throwing the remains of the iced mocha to the floor. Robes fluttering in the wind, because there is constant wind around you when you're crazy badass.

Meanwhile at the magic potions laboratory at Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and such Alan Rickman pours colorful fluid from one tube to another. "I am Snape, the Potions Master." Mid mumble he is interrupted by profuse knocking at the wooden old looking door.

The impatient visitor then tries wriggling the door handle. "Muther F!" A voice yells behind the door, clearly frustrated by its complicated workings. Alan Rickman just stares blankly at the ruckus. "Friggin…It's me! Unlock the thing." Says the voice.

"Oh Christ Ralph." Alan Rickman realizes who it is and sets down his work and slowly moves towards the door. He tries the handle. "Let go."

"What?"

"Let go… of the thing."

"I did."

"No, because I can't open it."

"I thought you unlocked it?"

"I can't when you pull on the handle."

"Now?"

"Yeah, wait, shit the safety locks."

"What!?"

"I said wait!"

"Effin hell!"

"Stop bitching!"

"Come on Alan, expellie armus or whatever the frick."

"What? That doesn't even make sense. Did you say frick?"

"I am going to mutha effin death curse you. That'll hurt like a bitch."

"Yes, Ralph, I will be dead."

"You got it now?"

"Yeah."

Ralph Fiennes opens the door…magically…with his hands…like everyone else in the world and Alan goes back to his Snape duties of potions and crap. "Okay, what the F? So you die!" Ralph frankly spills to BFF Alan Rickman, who continues to pour colorful fluid back and forth from one tube to the other….you know, magically. "You read it?" Alan Rickman says so apathetic that, friggin', it like makes you care.

"Well, yeah! Then I like vomitted and through it across the room,"

"You die to you know?"

"No fuckin way."

"What, you didn't get that far?" He says sarcastically.

"How the hell did you? It came out less than 12 hours ago."

"You just started at the end didn't you?"

"Come one, the rest of that BS doesn't flippin' matter."

"You STARTED at the end and couldn't even finish?" He laughs.

"Yeah, just a tad concerned for your death. That's how selfless I am."

"You're so full of shit."

"What are you doing here anyway? At the school or whatever."

"The other movies don't state where I go during the summer."

"It doesn't say in the books?"

"Fuck if I know. I don't read 'em. Did you find out the part where I'm a like double agent or whatever on Dumbledore's side and I was totally screwing you over?"

"Whaaaaaaattt? No I just saw that you died and got pissed. That friggin' wiener doesn't live right? 'Cause he had to die to kill me or something."

"Wiener? Mature."

"Hey! I'm a mutha effin Dark Lord. People can't even say my name I am that crazy badass."

Alan Rickman puts down his workings and finally looks at Ralph Fiennes in the face…in the snake like but kind of human face. Alan continues, "So by 'wiener' you mean protagonist of the entire series for which it's named?"

"Yeah…he dies pleeeeaaaassseee tell me he dies."

"He does but then comes back to life and kills you…kind of…you kill yourself in a way."

"What!?"

"Can you not say 'what' every five seconds?" Severus Rickman goes back to his potions.

"That is so cliché!"

"Come on. Seriously? Do you think she would kill him off? She would have torrids of fan people pillaging her home…it's a classic good vs. evil thing."

"The bible is good vs. evil and Jesus dies!"

"You're comparing Harry Potter to the Bible?"

"This sucks hardcore…we have to kill that bitch."

"Yeah, I guess."

(REVIEW please! Shall I continue with this epic adventure? Until next time my friends….until next time…..)