"Snake, Foxhound has gone rogue and taken over Shadow Moses. If we don't stop them, World War 3 is going to happen and stuff. It's your job to infiltrate and take them down."
"OKAY!"
"Also, your codec is going to become useless after this call ends. Only manginas rely on outside help."
"Got it."
"Now go and kill the terrorist leader who also happens to be your cloned brother. I've gotta go wrestle this bear..."
Upon throwing the codec into the air, the device exploded into a fiery shape of the American flag. Liquid watched this spectacle unfold from the lift.
"Okay, now I know for certain that he's here."
In a matter of minutes, Snake was surrounded from right to left by genome soldiers whose raw biceps tore apart their very sleeves, turning their shirts into tank tops. Despite the cold, they didn't seem at all bothered by this fact. Also, they actually knew how to shoot straight (like proper super soldiers).
"Ha, who needs sneaking around when you have guns and raw, unfiltered manliness."
Snake struck a pose which caused all of the soldiers to momentarily stare in awe at the rippling, pure muscular manliness that exuded from their originator. Though it was a close shave with each and every enemy he fought, Snake was able to defeat the 350 genome soldiers who all somehow fitted inside the otherwise tiny hangar.
"Your comm. device exploded, so I left this phone for you. Also, call me Deep Throat."
"Gay."
"Snake, there's a tank ahead."
The tank shot at Snake, who, in turn, grabbed the tank shell in mid-air and threw it back, causing the tank to explode.
"Whoah, all these soldiers are dead."
Snake traversed the bloody hallway. At the end was a lab where two dudes, one wearing a lab coat and another in cyber ninja armor wielding a katana, faced each other in mortal combat.
"This looks cool! Better not intervene."
"SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE, I AM FRANK JAEGER!"
"Holy shit!"
Epic melee fight ensues...
"Thanks for helping me back there. Though I was pretty fine handling it by myself."
The scientist's rippling muscles impressed even Snake.
"By the way, my name is Brotacon. I became a scientist because I wanted to build awesome fighting robots. Not because of any weeb shit."
"Cool."
"This bullet in my right thigh and my massive titties is keeping me from getting up."
Meryl lied on the ground and, yes, her tatas were indeed incredibly big.
"Snake, save yourself."
There's no way I'm letting those titties die.
Using his raw testosterone, Snake transformed his normal vision into eagle eyes and zoomed in on the sniper.
"Whoah, those boobies are even bigger than Meryl's!"
Snake was faced with a moral dilemma.
"Leave Meryl for the bustier sniper chick," Snake's inner demon, who stood on his left shoulder, told him.
Snake looked to the right of his shoulder and saw his inner angel.
"Sure, the sniper lady's boobies are bigger, but how could you leave that fine piece of ass to die?"
"The sniper probably has a better ass too," countered the demon. "Look, Meryl's a lost cause. She's going to leave you for that Johnny kid in the fourth game anyway."
"That only makes it better. That means you don't have to deal with any long-term commitment. You can do all sorts of kinky shit with her and leave her for some other chick when the time comes."
"Aren't you supposed to be my inner angel?" asked Snake.
The angel shrugged.
"Listen, you're not giving me many options here when the only thing I can appeal to is your drive to procreate."
The sniper shot a bullet towards Snake's head, which he caught in mid-air with his bare teeth.
With the bullet still clenched between his teeth, Snake (somewhat incoherently) muttered, "Lishen, we'll shalk lasher. I got shu go gif shish bisch a fiece of my penish."
Biting the bullet and digesting its contents to gain the power of a l33t sniper, Snake used his newfound powers to momentarily incapacitate Sniper Wolf so that he could proceed.
...unfortunately, it was all a trap from the get-go.
"Man, these constraints are weak. I could probably tear these off, snap your neck, and walk on out of here. Is there anything keeping me from doing that?"
"You're gay if you don't go through with my torture," replied Revolver Ocelot.
"Bring it on then!"
Ocelot grinned.
"Wait, what are you doing with that glove...?"
Screams echoed from the torture chamber for hours on end. Showing up with the unconscious body of a genome soldier in one hand, Brotacon tore open the bars with the other.
"I said I owed you that drink, didn't I?"
Snake simply looked on into space.
"He...did things to me. Things I didn't even know could be done to a person."
Brotocon stared at Snake with a blank and bewildered expression. It didn't take long for Snake to get over his time with Ocelot and refocus on the mission.
"Looks like that's Metal Gear."
"SNAAAAAAAKE!"
All of a sudden, Metal Gear Rex activated.
"Whoah, it's the final boss fight already? I didn't even fight the chopper yet."
"I'm mad at the world because you got all the manly dominant genes and I got all the wimpy recessive genes and basically I'm going to kill you now."
"Shit."
"SNAAAAAAAKE!"
"Hey, that's my line," remarked Liquid.
All of a sudden, the cyborg ninja appeared.
"NaomiPutAVirusInYouAndIKilledHerParentsButSheDoesn'tKnowThatSoSheWantsToKillYouAsRevengeAndBasicallyI'mGonnaDieNowOkayBye."
Running into the missiles shot by Metal Gear Rex, Gray Fox died in an explosion of raw manliness that was so manly, it caused a single tear to gently trickle down the face of every certified manly man within the known universe and beyond.
"GRAY FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!"
"Ha, more like GAY Fox," quipped Liquid, his face completely devoid of tears. "Amiright?"
Crickets...
"That does it."
Snake slammed his foot into the ground, leaving several noticeable cracks. Pulling a rocket launcher out of his ass (which had become an extra pocket after Ocelot's torture), Snake spammed millions of missiles at Liquid, causing the metal gear (as well as the entire facility) to explode.
At the end, both Meryl and Sniper Wolf hung on Snake's biceps (the probability of a threesome very likely). Brotacon stared off into the distance (all badassedly-like), and the General of Homeland Security or whatever was arrested for corruption.
Meanwhile, in reality...
"All in all, everything worked out perfectly and there was never any problem since. The end."
Snake (still in his youth) had finally finished his masterpiece. His magnum opus. The novel that was going to set him up for life.
"Snake, what're you doing?" asked Otacon, sipping his coffee and wearing his bunny pajamas.
"N-nothing."
"It looks like you're writing something..."
"It's nothing. Just go back to doing your science or whatever, Brota- I mean... Hal."