A Cloud by Any Other Name

By Kay

Disclaimer: IT'S A VERY GOOD THING I DON'T OWN TMNT.

Author's Notes: Crack drabble. That about sums it up. A basic knowledge of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VIII, and Kingdom Hearts is helpful, though probably not required. I... have no way of defending this drabble.

Enjoy!

"Sephiroth," said Mikey.

"Oh brother. Not this again," Raph groaned. He pulled the couch cushion over his face and squeezed it. Next to him, Don patiently put down his notebook.

"Mikey, we completely understand. We don't need to have this conversation anymore."

Mikey shook his head, hand over heart. Or rather, where his heart would have been if his heart was actually on that side of his chest (a fact Don mercifully decided not to point out). "I don't think you guys do. I'm just saying, there is no one cooler than Sephiroth. Final Fantasy can create all the villains and heroes they want, but the dude had all the great S combinations: strength, style, and super awesome hair. They should just give up altogether and remake the seventh game."

"Mikey," Raph ground out. "No one gives a damn 'cept you."

"And a legion of internetz fans!"

Don sighed, mentally betting on how the ongoing argument would ensue.

"Mikey. No. Shut the hell up."

"Dude! Look. At. His. Sword. Compare that to the gun blades. Hello, like Seifer would've stood a chance? Sephiroth would have laughed at Seifer. Heck, I laughed at Seifer. He let a witchy girl get 'im. Now Sephiroth, he would've had witchy girls for breakfast."

Raph jerked the pillow away from his mouth. "That's such bull!"

Wow, look at that. Don owed himself ten dollars.

"No one even knew what the heck was goin' on with Sephiroth!" Raph continued, his voice growing heated. "He was stupid enough to believe an alien, fer chrissake. How does that make him any better? And forget the sorceress thing—Sephiroth looked like a witchy girl. Where is the fear there, huh? Were his long, flowin' locks s'posed to be frightening?"

"Raph, you have just committed sacrilege. I am befuddled and appalled and—and other ten dollar words."

"You're somethin' all right."

Don gave himself another ten mental dollars. Bonus points. He'd even gotten Raph's response word for word twenty seconds ahead of its actual existence.

"Dude! Sephiroth was the bomb." Don knew what was coming and plugged his ears, having already seen the dangers of Mikey's falsetto. "I mean, he has his own freakin' theme song. Se-phi-roth! Dun dun dun. Se-phi-roth!"

"Forget Sephiroth and Seifer," said Raph. "Squall was the man."

"You just liked the emo."

"The what?"

"Angst boots!"

Don sighed again and looked with great longing at the television.

"Okay, that's it, Mikey—you an' me, controllers, now. We're gonna finish this once an' for all."

"Your thumbs won't thank you in the morning."

"Well, you—"

"Okay, that is enough," said Leo, stepping into the room, a thick book clutched in one hand and an irritable expression on his face. All heads snapped towards the command and Don, internally, sighed again (this time in relief). For a moment, there was silence.

Mikey was the first to break it with a tentative, "But Leo—"

"No." Leo cut him off. "This has gone on long enough. You've been arguing over this the entire weekend. I can't read, I can't meditate, I can't do anything without hearing Sephiroth-this and Squall-that and Seifer-Is-Your-Mom. So Raph is right, we're going to finish this once and for all. Do you understand me?"

Mikey sat up straight against his will (conditioning was a terrible thing), Don felt hope light inside of him, and Raph sullenly crossed his arms. "How d'you propose we do that?" the last demanded. Leo spared him a withering look.

"It's obvious to me that you're all wrong. Cloud is the best Final Fantasy character, hands down."

There was silence.

Don died a little inside.

Raph, gawking, said, "Excuse me?"

"Well, it's obvious. Cloud has all the S combinations, Mikey—strength, style, and super awesome hair. He's emo enough for you, Raph. He's got a big sword. He has angst boots. He does not listen to aliens, sorceresses, evil scientists, mushroom people, or any other bad influences beyond those in his own head or dead flower girls, which are good so it does not count. He's irrefutably male in appearance. And I don't care what Kingdom Hearts claims," Leo snapped, "he would not get taken down by a duck, a dog-mutant thing, and a little boy with a key shaped like a heart. That was an obvious plot hole and just plain heresy."

Don died the rest of the way inside.

Mikey said, "But Cloud crossdresses."

"True ninja can blend in with their environment, no matter the challenge!"

"So are you saying you'd wear a dress?"

"… I beg your pardon?"

"That's it! Mikey, Leo, get the hell over here, I'm gonna prove to you whackbags once and for all—"

"Sephiroth wouldn't wear a dress. He'd just blow them all away."

"Sephiroth has no honor."

"Now, you blockheads!"

Meanwhile, Don slipped away into the kitchen. This had the potential to last for hours and besides… he already knew that Riku was the true masterpiece of Japanese fantasy gaming.

It was all in the pants. Definitely the pants.