No chance. No belief. Crushed Love
Author's notes: 1-person POV. There are 3 characters in the fic, in the beginning you see a dialogue between the first two and by the end of the story the third person appears. I chose the words in that way that it's almost impossible to guess who's speaking - a male or a female. I don't want to name the personages, let it be your choice, you are free to imagine anyone, it may be two boys or two firls or a boy and a girl. Ok-ok, I'll help you with the third character - Itachi)
The whole story is very emotional, it's partly based on my own feelings and events and it was born in October when I was seriously ill having pneumonia.
The 'landscape' is also real, first snow and flowers and all other descriptions of the nature are true, I was so greately impressed by what I saw in the street that the fic was instantaneously written. Nature can bring immense inspiration)
Words of one of the characters are italicised.
R&R, please
- First snow…
- I hate attachment and commitments
You are standing near the window with empty vacant stare on your face. Looking at nothing, into nowhere. Lump in your throat means you are on the verge of tears.
- You'd better not, - I go out of the room leaving you there alone with your thoughts
You will understand. It takes time, one, ten or sixty minutes before it will make sense. Everyone gets it some day, people are afraid to confess to themselves though. I can't go on any further: calls, cries, endless useless conversations, so futile and nonsensical, can't you see it? I don't care, I don't give a hang for you feelings. You don't hear, you don't want to listen. Tears, nightly sobbing… Stop fucking complaining, stop your gab, you remind me of an intolerable willful infant thus turning me into an irritated mother who can barely hold back hearing incessant yelling of her capricious child. I don't need a baby to follow me around, quit thinking me a kind attentive brother or a pretty girl to share secrets with or whoever you think I am for you! I despise the weak
- Be gone
You turn around noticing me standing still on the threshold, arms crossed, face expressionless. Indifference.
- From here? – you ask shyly, softly
- Don't you cry. I'm not one of those who explain themselves. You know
You go back to the window trying to suppress tears until it's not too late hiding your eyes at the same time. I catch yet-audible words,
- Trees are still in their green attires, look
I approach adding in hardly perceptible voice,
- Snow bent down branches to the earth, everything's frozen and asleep, bright autumn colours have faded away… but I dislike sentimentality, romance, it's such bullshit
- Winter's come early this year, - you lapse into silence. One single salty droplet slides down along the cheek falling on your palm. – You fell hurt, don't you?
Idle talk about feelings, you start it all over again. Don't you have this ability? Can't you possibly see a cold heartless callous egoist in me? Do see him in me! Come on, get disappointed in me, hate me. Feel like leaving, hurting, bringing pain, forcing me to suffer, this is the only right way out. Hell why should I tell you about it, why by words, why cannot you feel it? Why is one so blind and lazy walking in circles with his eyes closed, why should we finger-point and repeat ten, hundreds of times that you are not what one thinks you are?! How come? What for? For how long will it last? And then follows reproaching, reproofing mixed with arguments and broken dishes in the kitchen. How goddamn naïve. Commonplace. Ridiculous. Uninteresting. Have seen it for million times. For so many times! Craps.
Déjà vu? Life is a spiral?
- Don't I? Oh, drop it. That's not me but you who is hurt. You can't even understand yourself, don't know simplest things about your own nature. Funny, you look like a mole, a little blind animal swarming in his hole seeing nothing. What's so frightening about getting out of it, taking a look at the world around? The beautiful flabbergasting world beneath your so-far shaky feet. What's so scary about looking inside yourself? You are so much like a dusty black closet, deaf, loathsome emptiness. Nothingness. Do wake up already! Or is it nice and comfy to be a deadman for eternity? A corpse you are, - my gaze intense as I blurt it out straight into your face hoping to awaken you
You appear to never cease weeping.
- Toy. Crybaby. Get out
And thus crying your heart out, giving vent to choking emotions you fall down on your knees to my bare feet. Again hysterics, sighs, lamentation. That I'm fed up of. You definitely have something to say, to object however I am not likely to lose the battle.
There were hints. Lots of them. You missed them deliberately, didn't you? Why lie? Why making belief? Why catch the hand that is slipping away? Sooner or later - loss is inevitable. Why not to make this step until it's too late, before the present gets tough and unbearable. You are degrading, lowering, destructing your individuality. Once up from the floor you wipe face dry, it's reddened from tears of pain and despair.
I watch you in silence, the way you pass the corridor, the manner you put on the coat. Damn it, watching you being nervous, those trembling fingers and pallor – hilarious! It takes so little to change, one-two minutes and there's a different person in front of you. Where's his former charm, unique fascination, unbelievable magnetism? All in the past.
- I'm not gonna see you off. Don't call me. I don't need any problems or worries nor any of your vain efforts to bring me back. Don't even go after.
Without a goodbye you shut the front door leaving the house in extraordinary haste as though you are in a great hurry.
Did it take long to humiliate, to trample you? Make you stand on your knees begging for forgiveness, crying out my name, cause this little child of yours to whimper feeling helpless as never before. Powerlessness. A mere nobody, that's what I've made of you.
I grin at my own meditation. A victim. A naught. Naïveté and plainness. Ahh, sweet, it was such an easy thing to break you down. Is life a honey-cake or continuous bathing in milk and chocolate? Far from it, and that's another lesson I've taught you.
You shouldn't have worshipped, divinized, adored or dreamt about me as of an angel flying around on its white fluffy wings. Creating an illusion be ready to ruin it. Refuse. Ever wonder what happens if you don't? The two world would come together, one of which would take possession of your mind killing reality. Why search for a fairytale knowing it doesn't exist? In a caramel fantasy turning a man into what you wish him to be thus forgetting what his real self is, a pernicious pursuit that is.
Your fall is only your breakdown. That's you who would suffer for it was you who had build castles in the skies. So neatly yet so carelessly.
My, my, I'm laughing.
Coming up to the window I can have a chance to be me at last. Tranquility. Sereneness. Muteness. Like in my heart. Aloofness. Peace. Snow, ever so soft and heavy covers the grass, bushes and trees, all is still outside, nature is sleeping. The unusual beauty, fragile, unsteady, cut glass-like, will soon disperse like transparent-grey fog in the morning, like a wondrous dream at dawn. From above, from the cloudy sky which seems to be covered by the cloak of obscurity, fall tired snowflakes, unwillingly, sadly they reach the wet shivering ground quietly gently almost like two palms now touching my shoulders. Eyes close as I doze off yielding to the bitter-sweet wave of pleasure grasping familiar warmth, improbably magical caress and I flutter shuddering from mingling images born in my mind. Bliss. Enjoyment. Paradise… Earthly paradise. It's here. I can discern it as soft voice whispers,
- Flowers… there were autumn. Bright, orange and red like flames. Scarlet is your favourite colour… They are dying. Too soon. What a bizarre controversial thing. Winter came so quickly. White prickly blanket takes away their life, - hot breathing burns my neck. – You've got enough power to wake them up. If you feel like
I smile and your hand glides along my hair, I hear you say from afar,
- Crushed love. No chance nor belief. You've played brilliantly. You see others as if they were glass. Everything is so absurdly predictable and clear. And you can make them obey with no hardship.
Strength and ability to rule and be a king are rare qualities not everyone possesses. If one is mighty there's always a stronger one. Have you enough power and will to hold on and not be broken as fast as the one that was broken by you a moment ago?..