Singularly Unamused
Author: Earanthiel
Genre: Humor/Parody
Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all of the characters portrayed, and I have no rights to them; the poem itself, however, is my own.
Singularly Unamused (The Watcher Speaks)
I started my day in the typical way,
Which is not saying much as a rule
It's a flat sort of life, and the pool isn't nice
It's either too hot or too cool.
There are holly and wargs, there are moldering dwarves
But what does that happy bunch do?
Except to stare up from the dirt and the muck
With maybe a howl or two!
With a groan I sank down; but alas could not drown;
Heard the splash from my watery bed
I looked to the west, just a mile at best
It was then that the stone struck my head!
My temper was hot, my tentacles not
As I stretched them, all dripping, up high
I was hungry and cold and in no mood to scold
I assumed that they all soon would die!
Who? do you ask! I'm a watcher you ass!
Do you think my sight faded with time?
I could see each and all, from the wide to the tall
I'll admit it; the sight made me cry.
For my joy was so large at the wizard and dwarves
And the hobbits and tall, manly pair
The elf was too snobby; it seemed his new hobby
Was to peer in my pool at his hair!
The wizard stood tall and he gazed at the wall
To shatter the cliff with his stare
He then bellowed MELLON and my poor meal all fell in
The door which gaped open right there!
I pulled out a tree and I took in with glee
Their wide eyes and open-mouthed gaping
I, of course, hoped to shiver and seriously wither
Their already pointless escaping.
My attempts were all foiled, my hobbit meal spoiled.
I grabbed him, and what happened then?
I lifted him high, was chopped at, half died,
Left staring at the place where he'd been.
Screaming, they rallied; their numbers they tallied
And fled without fair word of thanks
For being decrepit and unwittingly letting
Their highnesses foul my banks!
So I pulled down the door and I slimed up the floor
And I tossed a few boulders on high
I was happy and pleased when I heard their shrill screams-
But was struck by some rocks from the sky!
Now, from whence did they fall? I'm no scholar at all,
To me strange events are all feared.
And those rocks that I threw! I can't tell, can you?
I suppose that they just. . . disappeared!
When I happened to wake my head was one ache
Bombarded and cheated, alone. . .
I crawled to the bank and my last frail hopes sank
All I saw was a pile of stones!
And a few trees of course, and the prints of a horse,
Leading where I could not go,
Being pool-bound and bruised, with but one thing to do
Which was try to drown myself in woe!
Alas! I'd not die, so I wept to the skies
And cringed at the thought of more stones
So I sank down beneath and muched on some weeds
And my small store of dwarvish thighbones.
So here I will drift with the dip and the lift
Of the waves, til the firey end,
When the world is all torn and a new place is born
Where there's no place for watchers and men.
I have never failed to maim or impale
All those smart ones who stand in my way,
But that one small bunch with the hobbits and such,
I'm depressed, I tell you! I'll die!
I'm drowning myself now. . .
Goodbye. . .
Author: Earanthiel
Genre: Humor/Parody
Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all of the characters portrayed, and I have no rights to them; the poem itself, however, is my own.
Singularly Unamused (The Watcher Speaks)
I started my day in the typical way,
Which is not saying much as a rule
It's a flat sort of life, and the pool isn't nice
It's either too hot or too cool.
There are holly and wargs, there are moldering dwarves
But what does that happy bunch do?
Except to stare up from the dirt and the muck
With maybe a howl or two!
With a groan I sank down; but alas could not drown;
Heard the splash from my watery bed
I looked to the west, just a mile at best
It was then that the stone struck my head!
My temper was hot, my tentacles not
As I stretched them, all dripping, up high
I was hungry and cold and in no mood to scold
I assumed that they all soon would die!
Who? do you ask! I'm a watcher you ass!
Do you think my sight faded with time?
I could see each and all, from the wide to the tall
I'll admit it; the sight made me cry.
For my joy was so large at the wizard and dwarves
And the hobbits and tall, manly pair
The elf was too snobby; it seemed his new hobby
Was to peer in my pool at his hair!
The wizard stood tall and he gazed at the wall
To shatter the cliff with his stare
He then bellowed MELLON and my poor meal all fell in
The door which gaped open right there!
I pulled out a tree and I took in with glee
Their wide eyes and open-mouthed gaping
I, of course, hoped to shiver and seriously wither
Their already pointless escaping.
My attempts were all foiled, my hobbit meal spoiled.
I grabbed him, and what happened then?
I lifted him high, was chopped at, half died,
Left staring at the place where he'd been.
Screaming, they rallied; their numbers they tallied
And fled without fair word of thanks
For being decrepit and unwittingly letting
Their highnesses foul my banks!
So I pulled down the door and I slimed up the floor
And I tossed a few boulders on high
I was happy and pleased when I heard their shrill screams-
But was struck by some rocks from the sky!
Now, from whence did they fall? I'm no scholar at all,
To me strange events are all feared.
And those rocks that I threw! I can't tell, can you?
I suppose that they just. . . disappeared!
When I happened to wake my head was one ache
Bombarded and cheated, alone. . .
I crawled to the bank and my last frail hopes sank
All I saw was a pile of stones!
And a few trees of course, and the prints of a horse,
Leading where I could not go,
Being pool-bound and bruised, with but one thing to do
Which was try to drown myself in woe!
Alas! I'd not die, so I wept to the skies
And cringed at the thought of more stones
So I sank down beneath and muched on some weeds
And my small store of dwarvish thighbones.
So here I will drift with the dip and the lift
Of the waves, til the firey end,
When the world is all torn and a new place is born
Where there's no place for watchers and men.
I have never failed to maim or impale
All those smart ones who stand in my way,
But that one small bunch with the hobbits and such,
I'm depressed, I tell you! I'll die!
I'm drowning myself now. . .
Goodbye. . .