On Sleepless Nights…
"Haa-san! Haa-san, open up!"
Bang! Bang! Bang!
"I swear to God, open the damn door, Haa-san!"
I knew that voice…no one else called me Haa-san, anyway…but he was really being unreasonable, especially at—I glanced at my clock—three fifteen in the morning.
"Haa-san! I know you're awake!"
I am now, I thought crossly as I climbed out of bed. I trudged through the dark hallway and finally reached the door, which seemed ready to break. I opened it to find a wild-eyed Shigure, looking more disheveled than ever and reeking of alcohol. His hand was raised to bang on the door again, but with the sudden absence of the door, it instead fell on my chest.
"Ouch," I grumbled, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "Shigure, what do you want?"
"Pardon the intrusion!" Shigure pushed past me and plopped down on my leather armchair. "What do I want? Well, since you asked, I wanna wake her up and strangle her or shake her until she—"
I closed the door and sighed. "I can't allow you to kill my most important patient," I reminded him wryly.
"Haa-san, I can't stand it," Shigure confessed. He bent down and held his head in his hands. "I don't know what to do about her."
"Her," of course, referred to Akito. Akito: Shigure's obsession for the past twenty or so years. I hesitate in calling it love. I mean, how could a man sleep with the mother of the one he supposedly loves, merely for the sake of revenge? Maybe it was just a Shigure thing to do. I knew Akito hadn't forgiven him for that. She probably never would. But that was Akito and Shigure's problem…though right now, Shigure, in his current drunken stupor, was my problem.
"You say that," I cautiously began as I approached Shigure and sat down facing him, "but you seem to cause her more trouble than you realize."
I closed my eyes and remembered the last time I visited Akito. She was lying on her bed, huddled up, and on the verge of tears.
"Hatori, I don't know what to do about him," she had whimpered in a bare whisper.
Funny how they seemed to feel the exact same way about each other. Akito did love Shigure, in her own way, but she was still such a child. She wanted Shigure for herself, along with Kureno, Yuki, Hatsuharu…even me. In a way, she was merely being selfish, but after all, isn't that what God is? Selfish?
"Hatori, he's so cruel," Akito had murmured, her voice breaking. "It's as if he hates me."
Shigure's sardonic snicker penetrated my thoughts. I opened my eyes and found him derisively sneering at me.
"As usual, her precious pet Haa-san is on her side," Shigure grinned maliciously. "Haa-san, Haa-san, Haa-san!" he sang mockingly. "When will you realize how things really are?"
"Shigure, you know I'm ashamed to say that you and I are the same age," I shook my head wearily. "Akito's still a child, she's much younger than us—"
"She's old enough," Shigure spat. "And what are you, an old man? She may be younger than us, but I wouldn't call a twenty-year-old a child when I'm still in my twenties, too."
"You should act your age at the very least."
"Does she?" Shigure countered. "The head of the fucking family, and she acts like she's God!"
"Relatively speaking, Akito is…"
"Akito's spoiled," he continued ranting. "Yeah, I know her life hasn't been perfect. Hell, I was there the whole fucking time! But she doesn't open her eyes!"
"Shigure—"
"She just refuses to open her goddamn eyes!"
"Shigure!" I raised my voice to just below a yell. "Calm down."
"It's true," he insisted bitterly.
"Akito longs for Akira-san," I contemplated out loud, "though that's impossible…no one can replace another person, and you certainly can't take Akira-san's place."
Shigure let out a scornful laugh which, to my abruptly-sleep-interrupted-self, sounded more like a harsh bark. He gave me a look which plainly said: We both know I'm not interested in Akito in a paternal way.
"I know, I know," I sighed deeply. "but Akito does need a father figure."
"You do that then," Shigure scoffed. "You be her replacement father, Kureno'll be her…her older brother? Heh, her incestuous older brother, that is…and I'll be…" he looked at me, momentarily at a loss for words, seemingly expecting a prompt or something akin to that.
"Shigure will always be Shigure," I offered gently.
"Bzzzzz! Wrong answer, Haa-san!" Shigure declared, in an abnormally cheerful tone. "I'm 'sensei' to Haa-kun, 'Gure-san' to Aaya, 'Shi-chan' to Kagura and Momitchi, 'Gure-nii' to Rin…"
"I get the picture…"
"Though you call me Shigure," he added offhandedly.
"You know what I mean," I suppressed a sigh. "Anyway, what did you come here for? Certainly not just to rant about Akito?"
"Oh no," Shigure spoke breezily. "I was already here at the main house."
I stared at him. He stared evenly back at me, though his eyes were red and had a feral glint in them. Looking closely, I could see that his yukata was crumpled, as if he had just picked it up from a pile of unwashed clothes on the floor and worn it despite its sordid state.
"Don't tell me that you went to Akito like this," I groaned after appraising his condition.
"No," Shigure gave a light laugh. "No. I saw her before I…yeah, before."
"Right…" I raised an eyebrow at his evasiveness. "So, why exactly are you here?"
"Can't I just see my good friend, Haa-san?"
"It's not even daybreak yet," I pointed out.
"Yeah, yeah, I know." Shigure's expression darkened. "Look, I need something to make me sleep. Something that'll knock me out right away, 'cause I don't wanna just get drunk to fall asleep."
"Really…"
"Lately, I've gotten weird dreams when I'm drunk."
"Oh? Dreams about?"
"Akito."
"I see," I exhaled slowly. "Of course."
Shigure suddenly leaned in towards me, almost as if he had fallen asleep sitting up. It may have been his drunkenness which rendered him uncoordinated and seemingly helpless. Reaching out, I caught him before he hit the floor.
"Maybe you should lie down," I suggested.
"Haa-san," Shigure sighed dejectedly. "Remember when I said I was at my lowest point? Years before," he clarified, seeing my confused expression when our eyes met. "You know, around the time she kicked me out."
"I remember."
"Well, I'm ten times worse," Shigure proclaimed, inappropriately proud. His bloodshot eyes bore into mine, and although he had a smirk on his face, his eyes seemed to silently plead for help. "Ten times ten times ten times worse," he repeated in a sing-song voice.
"You look ten times worse," I muttered half-jokingly.
Shigure gave a weak laugh at my comment. He let his head fall to the back of the armchair and stared blankly at the ceiling.
"I know," Shigure finally spoke after an eternity of silence. "I know I'm the lowest, filthiest one, but you can't blame me, and neither can Akito."
I took a good look at my childhood friend, who, at the moment, appeared at least ten years older simply because of his current dismal, pitiable condition. He's not even thirty yet, but he seems like he could die merely out of exhaustion from living.
Wordlessly, I stood up and located the bottle of pills Shigure wanted. I could feel his eyes watching my every step, as if he was anxious that I would walk out and escape from my room, leaving him alone to deal with his problems. Shigure seemed relieved when I returned from my desk and back to where he sat.
"You're not the only filthy one," I admitted quietly as I gave him his source of refuge for the night. Shigure immediately swallowed more than the recommended dosage. "Try not to overdose this time," I cautioned him. "Do it too many times, and your body won't be the only one who won't recover."
"If you mean Akito," Shigure started in a slow drawl, "Akito wouldn't give a da…"
He fell asleep before he could finish his thought. I knew he would. That's what Shigure wanted, after all, grade A prescription sleeping pills that could keep a grown man asleep for days if taken enough. Lucky a writer like him doesn't have set working hours.
Seeing Shigure in this state, as depressed as he was, only slightly worried me. Knowing this guy, I was more concerned about what was in store for Akito. Shigure, being Shigure, would somehow find a way to turn the tables in his favor. I just hope that he won't knock them down to the ground in the process.