Dirty Goit
The art of getting Lister into a shower
A Rimmer/Lister fanfiction
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Rimmer couldn't quite believe it had taken 3 million years and a hard light body to finally figure out how to get Lister – space's smelliest bum – into a regular shower.
Over the years, both alive and dead, Rimmer had tried trickery, suggestion and – more often than not – bribery just to get the man at some level of hygiene that was actually possible to stand being around. Because, without really knowing why, Rimmer had stuck around; even with the entire Dwarf available to him, Rimmer still chose to bunk in with Lister.
Sure, while he had been soft light it made sense – Rimmer had needed the man to act as his hands, but since Legion? Now Rimmer could do things for himself and yet he was still to move from their cramped shared quarters in Starbug. It wasn't even meant for two people – Rimmer occupying the spare bunk – but it wasn't like a hologram really needed to sleep anyway. Or eat. Or breathe. Something about staying with Lister made him feel more human.
As did routines such as brushing his teeth and taking a shower. Realistically all he had to do was switch to soft light and the dirt just fell off, but there was something satisfying about stepping under the warm stream and letting it flow all over him in a way it hadn't been able to in years.
And Lister must have caught onto his enthusiasm, because every time Rimmer wanted a shower the grotty little smeghead beat him to it. Unless, of course, it was just another way to annoy Rimmer, which was more than possible. The goit.
Still, if it was a strategy that worked then Rimmer was not complaining – better a clean smeghead after all. And he certainly wasn't complaining when, on one of the rare occasions Rimmer had made it to the shower first, Lister sidled in with him and proceeded to share the water, soap and general personal space. The 3-million-years-coming sex wasn't bad either.
Keeping Lister clean was a job Rimmer had decided to take very seriously.