A week had passed since Light had regained his memories of using the Death Note. It was a typical day; he remained chained to L who was sitting in a chair that wasn't close enough to invade his personal space, but near enough so that every move would be observed. Light's expression was tight-lipped, an emotionless veneer permanently planted across his face, busying himself with some superficial fact-gathering of Kira's whereabouts.
He knew that L had noticed the change in his personality after the helicopter ride, and Light could sense that the detective had become uneasy, giving more for Light to muse over. Without his memories, he was passionate and adamant about doing the humane thing, standing up to L whenever he'd suggest something inappropriate in terms of method for their police work. But with the Kira memories, there was… nothing. No heaven, no hell. No feeling, just nothing.
But he could still remember what it had been like to feel in those few short weeks. How full of admiration he'd been for L, enjoying working with someone of his intellectual calibre. He'd been happy. He'd been useful. He'd hated Kira, given his all to catch the bastard.
Now… as impossible as it seemed, he was Kira. And it felt so natural; he knew he'd fallen so much. How the hell was it possible that he could simultaneously identify with personalities that were so opposite? He told himself, rather than felt it, that he was doing the right thing. Destroying all enemies of Kira. Destroying the juggernaut of a detective who'd been the only threat to his claim of a utopia.
But… he'd been happy before. Working with L. Having… a clear conscience. Not feeling the enormous amount of pressure every waking moment. Without the memories, he'd deduced that he'd been a likely suspect for being Kira, but if he really did have the solid evidence that he was Kira, he'd happily turn himself in. How, how, why, why… did he have to be mortal enemies with the person whom he'd admired. It put him ever so slightly more on edge – was he doing the right thing? Could he trust what his heart wanted to do?
Did L enjoy it before, when he could sense that 'Kira' had left him? Would L be gracious if he knew the truth, if he was at L's mercy? It couldn't be predicted. L was borderline Asperger's and therefore the strength of his connections with other people would be anyone's guess. First friend, huh? How manipulative of L to say that. It was quite unlikely that there was a grain of truth in it.
Even if someone could be framed as Kira so he could work with L… it was too much pressure. It didn't work with Yotsuba. L was no fool, and he'd slip and find out eventually. It was an impossibility for peaceful coexistence.
No, there was no going back. L had to die.
"Yagami-kun."
"Hm?"
"You've been staring at that page for 15 seconds. You usually only require 12 seconds to read and memorise a page."
Fuck.
He hated the detective. Hated the fact he'd changed so much. Hated the fact that he'd been pushed into doing things, killing innocents, simply because of the pressure applied by L and the need for his own survival.
He'd be happy if the detective died, right? If he won? He didn't even know. He couldn't feel anything, so used to suppressing his emotions that he was.
"I was thinking of a way to permanently end this all," Light answered.
He was doing the right thing by being Kira, wasn't he?
"But I'm wondering whether Kira actually is a force for good," Light continued.
L looked emotionlessly at him. On the surface, what Light said was analytical, but he could sense the hidden meaning behind it, the conflict within Light.
Oh God, what was he doing. He'd slipped, let the detective in.
He was surprised when the detective rose and pulled him into a hug.
"L, what are you doing?" Light asked, annoyed.
"It's OK."
"L…." Light gritted his teeth, only to become surprised when wet patches appeared on L's shoulder. They were tears… was he crying?
He lifted a hand to his face and confirmed they were his own tears. What? When… how…
L lightly moved his hands along Light's back, soothing him. After enduring that for a few seconds, Light pushed him away and clutched his own head, trying to get a hold of himself. L guided him towards a chair, and he collapsed into it.
L drew another chair closer, and sat down, this time feet on the ground, in contrast to his usual childlike sitting position. "You are Kira."
Light's face contorted into a pained look, and he didn't reply. To Light's somewhat relief, L didn't look like he needed a reply; his guilt was affirmed in the detective's eyes.
"Tell me everything."
Light took a deep breath. He knew the detective would want closure on everything that hadn't been confirmed as fact. "I'd killed Raye Penbar, and Naomi Misora for getting too close. I'd hidden a portable TV in the bag of chips to kill that person on the news while I was under your surveillance. Relinquishing ownership of the Death Note caused me to lose my memory of being Kira, but I'd planned it so that the Death Note would fall into the hands of a selfish businessman and therefore be easy to trace. Touching the Death Note would allow me to regain my memories as Kira."
"You've done very well considering your limited resources."
Light didn't look happy, being reminded of the constant harassment. He pinched the bridge of his nose. All the pressure he'd been under. "So, what now?"
"It is obvious that Kira must die, at least in the eyes of others. But it would be a shame to destroy the notebook. It could be useful in select cases."
"Oh, so it's terrible if others have the notebook, but if you use it, it's perfectly fine?" Light snapped.
"I am a whole seven years older than you, Yagami-kun," the detective said reproachfully. "You need to trust my judgment."
"You're not one to take the moral high ground," grumbled Light. "You use illegal torture methods. You're arrogant, competitive and selfish."
"Like you." The detective paused. "And exactly what prompted this confession?"
"I am Kira. I think like Kira. But without the memories, I am also myself but I'm so different!" Light said, his agony beneath the surface finally showing. "You are… limiting my effectiveness. And vice versa."
L remained silent.
Light clenched his fist. "Give me one good reason that helping you will actually change the world. You select cases based on intellectual stimulation. And the end result is exactly what Kira would be doing, but Kira is faster."
"L does. I have many personas, Yagami-kun. Besides, ruling with an iron fist in the case of Kira would not promote sustainable learning."
Light stared at L, scrutinizing him. What he said did make sense. He drew in a quick breath. "And the others?"
"I doubt they'd be as understanding as someone who consistently puts themselves above the law," L said dryly. "Especially your father."
Light glanced down. "He'd fire a gun at me and it wouldn't have a blank in it."
L chuckled. "If Kira is caught, you are safe. And we can work together."
Light gave a sniff. It was obvious the detective didn't trust him, wanting to still keep him close. "And this brilliant plan to catch Kira?"
"We frame Misa."
"Hey, how come she gets the blame? Just because she doesn't have my intelligence? She meant just as well as myself, and in fact, I manipulated her quite a bit," Light replied hotly, angry at L's egotistical discrimination.
L looked at him, then smirked.
Light's mouth fell open, then he grimaced. The detective had been testing him. Ack, these emotions were surely things that clouded the mind. He was sure he'd have been able to see through it if he wasn't so out of it. Then again, he was almost relieved that his feelings had returned. Earlier, he'd have thought it was impossible.
L rose and pressed the intercom. "Everybody in here, please."
Those next ten seconds dragged on for Light. He was completely at L's mercy. Was he right to trust the detective to give him another chance? Or would he be crushed like a bug? Surely L had no reason to keep him alive, considering how selfish and competitive the detective was.
One by one, they came in and looked expectantly at L.
"The Kira Investigation team is dismissed. We've come up with a way to deal with the issue, and we don't need your help."
Aizawa stammered. "B-but how?"
Light tensed. This was crucial. What story could L possibly say to placate them? Surely the others weren't genius level, but they were police detectives and couldn't be fooled so easily.
L flat-faced. "Don't take up my time with petty details. I have plenty more cases that need solving. As of tomorrow, there shall be no more murders by Kira."
Soichiro instinctively looked at Light, who nodded his confirmation. They all looked at each other and shrugged.
When the team left, Watari removed their handcuffs.
"I just saved your life, Yagami-kun," L said rather emotionlessly, but Light could tell he was observing carefully, waiting for a response.
"No, you just saved your own," Light spat. "If you'd continued, you would have endangered Misa. And her Shinigami would have killed you, despite triggering their own demise in the process."
L looked shocked, then his face morphed into a typical expressionless pose, with a slight tinge of sheepishness. "Is that so."
Light rose and made for the door.
"So I'll see you tomorrow, Yagami-kun?"
Light turned around. L looked tense, putting his trust in Light, a confirmed killer. Light doubted that any of that was because he needed a friend, although he was sure that L enjoyed working with other intelligent people to some extent.
Light smirked. "Well, I'm behind on studying. Maybe next week."
L relaxed, and nodded.