Hi guys, this is my new story, hope you like it, be warned, it's angsty...
It takes place in 2021 with flashbacks to senior year. We don't know Finn's birth date but I'm setting it in March, deal with it ;)
As always this is dedicated to my good friend SLopez who had to watch this grow from a tiny idea to something I felt was too big for me.
I'd also like to thank Allie, AKA the Minsk, for her help regarding college in the US and how to become a teacher in NYC, I hope I didn't mess anything up!
And of course I don't own anything, Glee, the characters, the songs...
Places are real; I did a lot of research for this fic ;-)
Love,
S.
The only one allowed to break my heart.
...
It the day before his birthday. The twenty-seventh one.
He's an adult.
A man for crying out loud!
He's even been working for four years now; he shouldn't get that emotional anymore. But somehow he's crying like a child in front of his bathroom mirror.
It hasn't happened in a while. He doesn't allow it, powering through it when he sees it coming, but once in a while he just can't help it and today is no exception.
The day starts well enough. The junior's basketball team he's coaching at the Y wins its sixth game in a row and okay, it's not major league or anything but bringing those kids together and actually achieving something feels great. It is awesome when the boys lift him above their heads and run around the court for a lap of honour. He is still laughing when that girl approaches him, clearly flirting with him. She's the big sister or whatever of one of his kids. He's seen her a couple of times picking Jason up or at the games and she has always smiled at him kindly. Today she's been giving him the hairy-eyeball all game long and she finally makes a move. She's cute, old enough so that he doesn't feel like a pervert, and is so forward he feels his confidence boost in an instant.
Until she wants to give him her number and he asks for her name. "Rachel," she says, and in a second he's out of here, mumbling something about a forgotten appointment, tripping over his own foot, leaving her standing alone in front of the boys' locker room.
It's only when he gets home that he allows himself to breathe, or choke rather. He hasn't heard the name in a long time. Avoided it even.
It's been nine years. It shouldn't have any effect on him anymore. Only it does.
He doesn't think about her anymore. Anymore than necessary. Anymore than once a day. Or maybe not. Maybe he hasn't thought about her yesterday. It's not like he's keeping track of it. Really. He's bound to forget her any day now.
He hasn't seen her in nine years.
If you'd asked him ten years ago (well, no not ten years, because ten years ago he had just started seeing Quinn again and he doesn't need to be reminded of that), if you had asked him nine years ago where he'd picture himself today he would have said without a doubt he'd still be with her (Rachel, not Quinn) with no other detail than being with her. He for sure never would have imagined he'd be a single kindergarten teacher in New Jersey. He would have laughed at the thought.
But that's exactly what he is. A twenty-seven single kindergarten teacher in New Jersey, standing in front of his bathroom sink, staring blindly into his mirror, freaking out about his life.
It's not like his life sucks or anything really. He has a job, which he actually loves, who would have thought... he coaches basketball at the local YMCA for extra money, he has friends, enough money to go see his mom when he wants to (or when she asks) and when he goes up on the roof of his apartment building he has a pretty decent view of the Manhattan skyline, if you forget the Hudson river cranes that are kind of blocking the panorama.
He kind of finds it ironic how the river running alongside New York and he have the same name. Because it's like he was never meant to get there. Only barely touch it.
He could have made it, once upon a time. He thought they were going to do it together. To leave Lima, never come back and start afresh in the Big Apple. But she never asked.
It broke his heart at the time. And even now when he allows himself to think about it he feels a twinge in his chest he can only assume is regret. They were never meant to be.
He's been spending so much time trying to convince himself about it he actually believes it some days.
Not today though.
The young Rachel he met today has reopened a wound he thought healed. He hoped healed.
He ends up calling his stepbrother.
It's a Saturday night so Kurt is probably going out somewhere fancy, with his fancy friends and his fancy boyfriend but Finn knows he will answer anyway. Because they have become closer over the years. Because now they are actually friends.
"Please tell me I didn't mess up and that your birthday is actually tomorrow," Kurt chimes, answering his phone.
Finn smiles and reassures his brother, he should have waited until tomorrow; he could have waited for Kurt to call him. It's not like he ever forgets.
"Sorry, dude," he starts. He can hear chatters and laughter behind his brother and for a split second he feels jealous. Until he remembers that Kurt did ask him to join them tonight, as an early birthday celebration, as a casual party. But Finn always declines. He's not so big on partying anyways.
"What can I help you with?" Kurt asks.
"It's nothing dude, I'm sorry I bothered you." Finn tries, but Kurt knows him better than that.
"Don't be silly," Kurt says, and with that the noise behind him disappears, he has probably locked himself in a quiet room or gone out in order to find some peace. "My brother will never bother me!"
"Thanks," he says. He doesn't know where to start. But knowing Kurt he should start at the beginning. His existential crisis doesn't worry Kurt so much as it worries him. It's like his brother has some kind of knowledge of him he doesn't have himself. Like he knows everything will be fine in the end. Kurt's psychology major is always put in good use when it comes to his stepbrother.
For the first time Finn is able to voice his inner trouble. He's always known that Kurt knew too much about his life, but he has never said a thing, never judged him.
Today the fact that he's single, has been for the longest time, doesn't plan on changing that fact has hit him square in the face.
Single with benefits. Casually dating. Dirty single. He doesn't quite know how to define what he is but somehow it doesn't suit him anymore. It's been easy being a man in a majorly feminine work. And he's not even counting the single moms, aunts, nannies... he hates what he has become. But at the same time he can't picture himself with anyone seriously. Only... but that's a boat long sailed. He shouldn't be thinking about that anymore. Not after nine years!
"You'd be too afraid to hurt that bad?" Kurt asks. "It's like you never let yourself love that much again."
He couldn't hurt that much, because he couldn't love like that again.
Really, what's the point in trying when he knows he'll never love anyone as much as Rachel?
"I get it," Kurt says. "She's the only one who'll ever be allowed to break your heart."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
They end up at the lake at Schoonover Park after Brittany's post graduation party.
The simple fact that the cheerleader did graduate was reason enough to celebrate and everyone actually had a good time.
School's over, summer's here but for them it's also the end of the road. Or is it?
He's never told her he's been accepted in Hunter College in New York. He didn't even tell her he applied, although she was super proud of him when he got in OSU.
He realizes this is it as they cuddle under a blanket in the bed of his truck.
"So what's next?" he asks, not looking at her.
He feels her shrug against him. He knows she doesn't want to talk about it just yet anymore than he does.
"Rach?" he says tentatively, his question only answered by her sniffles.
He hugs her more tightly as he feels his own chest constrict. She still hasn't said a word about him coming to New York and this is his last call to tell her. Hunter won't really hold his spot any longer.
"You're leaving," he says, hoping to launch the conversation.
"Yeah…" She's pressing her lips together and finally meets his eyes, "and you're staying."
It's not really a question and he has to bite his tongue to prevent himself from speaking up.
She looks a little defeated too and he wonders if he should just tell her.
"Do you think we couldn't manage long distance?" she asks before he has time to process his thoughts.
He looks at her, serious. "I don't know, do you?"
They both know they are too intense as a couple. The separation would be devastating for them and they'd spend more time pining over each other than focusing on anything else.
She doesn't answer. She knows they think the same thing. He sees her swallow hard and his own throat is painfully tightening.
"So what?" She adds. "We're breaking up?" Her voice cracks a little and her eyes are tearing up but he set up his mind a long time ago.
"I guess…" he blurts before clenching his teeth, even if he knows it won't help him retain his tears anymore.
"But I love you," she's not pleading, just stating the facts, and it makes it that much harder to handle.
"I know, baby. I love you too. So, so much…"
She thumbs away his tears and he brushes his lips against her eyelids, feeling the salty taste of hers.
The moment is heated when their lips meet, silently saying goodbye.
They finally make love under the oblivious moon because that's the only thing they can think about, and everything has been said, or rather been left unsaid when they fall asleep, wrapped tightly around each other.
It's over.
They hug it off mutely when he drops her the next morning and he doesn't even try not to cry.
And he doesn't pretend to care when his mom grounds him for not coming home the night before.
It's not like he has anything to live for anymore, anyway.
...
How can you just walk away from me when all I can do is watch you leave'
'cos we shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
So take a look at me now
well
there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face.
Oh
take a look at me now
there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face.
(Against all odds, Phil Collins)
...
To be continued...
A/N: For those who wonder: everything will be explained, from the incomprehension to the sex, to Finn's studies ... just let the story unfold ;)