It was June 17th 1996 as Sirius Black sat alone in his dimly lit childhood home. Remus had been by for a drink earlier in the evening, but at nearly two a.m. Sirius sat alone in his bedroom, an open book perched upon his lap.
Noiselessly Sirius thumbed through the pages of his Hogwarts yearbook, casually stopping here or there as a familiar face smiled and waved up at him.
The lines in his prematurely aged face seemed to thin and nearly disappear as he turned the page to find a young him and James potter staring back at him under the headline Hogwarts Class Clown. A single tear formed and dropped from his face, a wet spot forming on a picture of Liza Delkins.
He longed for the friendship he and James had shared, more than just brothers as he and Remus were, more like twins. James could always tell what he was thinking without voicing it, he was always there to help...a lifeline when Sirius felt alone.
"I need you James," Sirius quietly whispered to the empty room. "It's not the same...I don't have you watching my back. For the first time...I'm scared." His eyes dropped to the ground as he said this, a sudden guilt passing over him. The years in Azkaban did damage after all. After all the grand adventures, Sirius Black had become a coward. He cringed to think what Prongs would say about that.
"Damn fool, losing your nerve with age..." Flipping the pages a few more times he stopped on a picture of four boys in their youth, the three living scarcely resembling anything the picture showed. Guilt again swept over Sirius, not for his cowardice, nor for his best friend's death, but for the other one...the lost one. He could have been there for Peter, SHOULD have been. It could have prevented all of this, he knew it. He spent many sleepless nights in Azkaban dwelling on that night, the one that he could pinpoint as the turning point in his life.
Life was great; he was Sirius Black, guitarist of a rock and roll band and badass biker. James had settled down, had a family even, but Sirius refused. "Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse." he would tell James, something he now regretted. Sirius did what Sirius wanted when Sirius wanted.
His good looks got him plenty of chicks, his reputation got him plenty of excitement and his inheritance got him plenty of good drugs.
While James was at home preparing forth birth of his son, Sirius was out partying with this band or that witch. He'd never forget that party though.
Never for as long as he lived. He'd been slightly drunk, sniffed a few lines of coke and had a girl on each hip when Peter showed up looking rather pale.
"Sirius! There after me!" he whined. "The dark lord is after me!"
"Quit your whining Wormtail, you've gone mental" was his response, or a variance he no longer remembered when sober. "Why on earth would HE be after you? You're being paranoid."
"No, Sirius. Their after me! They followed me from Remus', I ditched them in Diagonal Alley. Please Sirius...please believe me. Help me, I'm not safe!"
By then Sirius had grown agitated more than anything else. Voldemort had been trying to recruit the truly talented for his cause, not wizards who were lucky if they could levitate a chair. Releasing his hold on both women, Sirius drunkenly stumbled forward. "Peter, you're paranoid. Go home. Get some sleep."
Sirius half led, half followed Peter to the door. "Come back tomorrow and we can discuss it then, tonight is Jill- I mean Jen's birthday and I have to celebrate!" Peter let out a whimper and stumbled out the door as Sirius fought to shut him out of the party.
That was the night and Sirius knew it. Peter was right, Voldemort was after him. He had already begun to plan his attack on Lily and James, and Peter was the weakest link.
Another tear rolled down Sirius' cheek. Remus knew the truth, he told Sirius repetitively it wasn't his fault, but he couldn't hide the look. Sirius saw a look of sorrow in Remus' eyes whenever he looked at him...sorrow, regret and disappointment. Sirius' need for booze and alcohol got the only true family he had killed. He had to live with that now, live with the fact that James was gone...at least some small part of Remus hated him and that the Peter he knew and loved...Wormtail...was only his old friend in appearance.
The tear dropped from his cheek and Sirius closed the book, hatred, fear, love, regret and anger all washing over him at once.
"I'll find you Peter." He spoke aloud, a promise to both himself and James and Lily. "I'll find you, and cage you like the rat you are." He silently placed the yearbook on the nightstand and covered himself in a ratty, frayed and half burnt quilt...the one he had given Lily for her birthday, claimed along with baby Harry from the remains of the Potter's home. "And I'll protect your son as if he were my own." with a wave of his wand, the light went out and Sirius let sleep take him.