A/N: Just a stupid fic I thought up after hearing the "Everybody Hates Ned Flanders" song. Enjoy!
(The scene is the Resistance Base. The Resistance soldiers are performing their regular duties. Ciel is at her computer typing. Suddenly, a concussive force rocks the base, and everything starts shaking!)
Ciel: Wha-what's happening? Someone report!
Soldier: (rushing into the room) Miss Ciel! Harupia is leading an attack upon the Resistance Base!
Ciel: Oh no! What are we going to do?
(Just then, with heroic music playing in the background, Zero enters with a flourish!)
Zero: What's going on?
Ciel: Harpuia's forces are attacking the base!
Zero: WHAT?! How dare Harpuia attack the base!
Ciel: We've got to prepare a defense-
Zero: (interrupting) I mean, every time he and I meet, it's because of the Resistance! (in a falsetto voice) Oh, I'm Harpuia and I don't like Resistance soldiers because they're straight! (regular) He's probably gay!
Ciel: Um, Zero-
Zero: He makes me so mad that-that I think-I think-
(He pauses. Then, turning to Ciel, he says…)
Zero: (singing) Everyone in Neo-Arcadia,
Hates their stupid general,
He's Harpuia and he's really, really lame...
Ciel: Um…what are you doing?
Zero: (now in a spiffy tune) Harpuia tried to wreck my base,
He's always getting on my case,
I hate his guts and Harpuia is his name.
(Out of nowhere, Zero produces a piano and begins to play.)
Zero: H-A-R-P-U-I-A,
I hate that robot everyday,
I'd like to see his temple burst in flames. (spoken) Take it, Ciel!
Ciel: (uncertain) H-A-R…
Zero: His name's Harupia!
Ciel: (now with more confidence) P-I-A!
Zero: That's a stupid name!
He's worse than Hellbat Silt or Dr. Weil.
(Suddenly, Elpizo storms in.)
Elpizo: What's going on? Why aren't you defending the base, Zero?
Zero: Oh…um…Ciel and I were busy singing a song about how much we hate Harpuia.
Elpizo: WHAT?! Our home is under attack and you're SINGING?! Do you know what I have to say to that?! DO YOU?!
Ciel: (timidly) What?
(Elpizo pauses. Then…)
Elpizo: (singing) He's a queer military fanatic
He always seems to be spastic
It would be quite fantastic
If he was cast, on his ass, into exile!
(Now Elpizo joins the cast recording!)
Ciel/Elpizo: H-A-R!
Zero: He won't give head!
Ciel/Elpizo: P-I-A!
Zero: 'Cause Phantom's dead!
Everybody hates that stupid jerk!
(The scene changes to the biggest room in the Resistance Base, decked with strobe lights and other disco decorations. Onstage, in front of the swinging Resistance crowd, Elpizo dances in a baggy leisure suit.)
Elpizo: The city rocks with Zero's joyous loathing,
It fills the mind with rebellion.
You don't have to move your feet,
Just hate Harpuia to the disco beat.
(Zero's head pokes out of Elpizo's collar, and the duo sing together.)
Zero/Elpizo: He's your gloomy, angsty Neo-Arcadian!
(Cue Neo-Arcadia, to a room where Fefnir and Copy X watching the disco Resistance Base.)
Zero/Elpizo: If you hate green army gays
Then I doubt you'll like Harpuia's ways
Or his fags Fenfir and Copy X!
Fefnir: That's us!
Copy X: Hooray!
(Back to the swaying Resistance crowd, with Zero onstage.)
Resistance: H-A-R!
Zero: His name's Harpuia,
Resistance: P-I-A!
Zero: He'd easily do ya,
All: If he was a robot who could have SEXXXXXXXXXXXXX!
(The sound grinds to a halt as Harpuia angrily thunders in.)
Harpuia: What the hell are you doing in here?! I'm attacking your base! Don't you give a damn?
Zero: Well, of course we do. We were just boosting morale.
(Suddenly, all Resistance officers point their guns at the solitary Harpuia.)
Harpuia: Oh, crap.
(BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!)
Zero: (to reader) And if you think that was good, wait until you hear the extended salsa mix!
All: No nos gusta Harpuia, es un hombre estupido…
Fun, eh? Hoped that tided you over till my next update!