Hello! How are you? I really hope you're doing great. Well this is not my work, this is work of one of my favourite authors in LiveJournal, xadowangel. She's awesome! I mean it, just read this story and you will notice it inmediatly! I hope you like it, this is one of my favourite stories from her! If you read please comment! Otherwise we won't know if you liked it!
A/N from xadowangel: Sad, depressed Uruha is really worrying me, and many of the gazefans. The natural spark between Aoi and Uruha's somehow become a history. I want them back together. They belong with each other. And many of us assume that something is really going on behind the scenes. This little fic is in Uruha's POV, when he talks about how he felt after decomposition beauty kiss. And in the end of the story, somehow, author's imagination brought them back together *claps*
But I don't want it to be an imagination. I want them back like they used to be, funky and sweet and rocking, grinding against each other on stage, touching each other flirtatiously, I want Uruha to show his fingers that Aoi wants to eat up. I want them to kiss naturally.
(The title is after the Santa Esmeralda song "Don't let me be misunderstood". I think it was covered, I don't know about the origin of the song though. I thought the song really resembles what Uruha could be feeling, so I used it along the way of writing this fic.)
Baby, do you understand me now?
Sometimes I feel a little mad
But don't you know that no one alive can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad…..
I don't know what happened out there. You were always there when I needed you, like a piece of heaven that I miss so much these days. We always had a sweet relationship. May be it is my fault that things have changed between us. I remember every single little touch of yours on my skin. I can still feel the warm tingle down my spine when I think about you. The way you brushed past my bare arms, intentionally…do you think I never noticed? You're wrong. I knew what you were upto. And that made me shiver. You always had this knack of distracting me during practice, and made Kai snap at me for losing focus like that. I promised to myself I'll never forgive you for that. But you know what Aoi? I couldn't stay angry with you. Not now, not ever.
Do you understand Aoi? Do YOU? As I stand here, alone, infront of the wide window of my lavish apartment that people can only dream about, do you know how empty and cold it feels? Yeah, I know I can be a jerk sometimes. I know I can be annoying, and shitty and all the bad things in the world, but that's not the real me. You, Aoi, of all people should know that.
We were brought together by fate, and we shared the same dream. We were happy, we had fun. And I found someone like you. I was happy. Why did you have to take that away from me?
I never asked much from you. Just some promise, some warmth…and some love. You gave all that to me, and when I thought things were okay, I had you to myself, I kiss you infront of the world…and you just backed away.
Why did you do that?
Was it so wrong to let the world know what I feel?
My life…it's nothing. Music and alcohol keeps me alive. If it wasn't for music, I wouldn't live anymore. All thanks to you Aoi. You promised you'd take care of me. You promised you'd never let anything hurt me…'cause I've been hurt enough already. Enough for a lifetime. But you never kept your promises.
Just like I couldn't keep my promise to quit drinking.
Promises are made to be broken right? How pathetic!
It's snowing Aoi. And I'm cold. Where are you when I need you the most? You are probably down in a club having fun with Mizuki and the others…or may be some of the juniors. You even tweet from Chiyu's account. Yeah, I know I envied your iPad, I became jealous seeing that stupid tablet on your lap all the time tweeting away. But I really didn't have any grudge you know?
Whatever I said about you tweeting and your iPhone or iPad, were just some jokes.
Well, I can't even make good jokes. Whatever I say, everybody tends to take that seriously.
I'm cold, Aoi…I'm so cold.
I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.
"Why did you do that for?" You snapped at me, well, almost snapped, and you had me alone in the dressing room, pushed against a wall.
Nobody had to tell me, but I knew I was furiously blushing. I felt an uncomfortable sting in my eyes. I couldn't believe you were angry with me over that. We always did fanservice on stage. We always were quite touchy-feely-clingy with each other, and we even kissed other times too right? You touched me in the most obscene way possible, and those videos were watched thousands of times on YouTube. I didn't mind that, I was in fact, quite happy about that. I always enjoyed playing with you. You mend the broken parts of my music. You make it blend into one.
Whenever we came close to each other on stage, all the lights faded for me. I couldn't hear the fans screaming, I couldn't hear anything. Whenever I had you near me, it was only you in my vision, in my senses. And I was happy. I was myself. It was the only time I could let myself out. I could smile.
Okay, may be this time I was kind of stepping on the edge…But that didn't mean that you had to be angry. It was just my way of showing how I felt about you. I knew there was
I mean world has seen more vulgar fanservices from Ruki, and Miyavi and others.
I didn't mean it to look like more than just a fanservice. It was for fun. For the fans. Okay, mostly for the fans, and a little bit for myself too. I just couldn't resist you back then.
Could you feel the heat and the passion and the love I seeped into that one kiss? I bet you did. You knew me better than that. And I let my feelings for you out. Right there with millions of people watching. I wasn't afraid. I knew you'd be there for me. And you kissed me back too.
But everything changed once we were alone in the dressing room.
That very moment I knew you were afraid. Not that you didn't love me or anything, you were afraid of the world. Of our image getting tainted. You loved me but you didn't want to admit it.
It was weird. It was always me who backed down from doing something reckless, and it was you who was scared this time. I just didn't know what I did wrong.
You said again, "Why did you do that Kouyou?"
I was looking at you, but it was like you weren't there. You never called me by my real name. To you, I was 'Ruha, or angel. When you called me by my real name, I knew something was seriously wrong.
I closed myself right then and there.
You didn't deserve to know that. The feelings that I so shamelessly let out in a matter of seconds, meant nothing to you. And so, what was the point of me speaking?
Trust me Aoi, I never meant to hurt you. I didn't want to confuse you, or make you feel devastated. But that was exactly what you were. Your eyes were looking at me like they were desperately looking for some answer. I'm sorry Aoi, I didn't have any.
I could vaguely hear you say something about the fans disapproving, PSC taking away our contract if we ended up together. But I couldn't quite understand why those things should be of any of our concern. Because it was about you and me. Why should anything in the world come in between?
You were looking at me with those penetrating eyes of yours, demanding some answer. But what was there left to say? I've shown you what I feel, and you threw it away. So I just zipped my lips and slipped away from your grip.
I was hurt. I was hurt so much that I wanted to reap the world apart in frustration. But you know, I was never good at letting out what I feel.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and pushed all the pain down to the bottom of my heart.
Where no one can find it. I was left alone once again, in my world of music and alcohol.
Aoi, you never came back to take me back.
If I seem edgy
I want you to know
That I never meant to take it out on you
Life has its problems
And I got my share
And that's the only thing I never meant to do
'Cause I love you.
Days without you turned to weeks, weeks to months and the months into the deplorable length of years. I successfully built up a cocoon around me, so that you didn't have to come anywhere near me. I didn't want you to face the embarrassment again.
But you know what Aoi, I'm human too. I don't want to be alone all the times. Do you know the amount of time I wasted curled up into my couch, yearning for salvation. One little mistake, and that's all that took for me to waste away like this.
We were still famous as ever. Our popularity grew, with our bank balance. And for me, all these were in the expense of losing you.
Our conversations became nothing but dry 'good morning' and 'good night's, the spark wasn't there anymore. You did your job and I did mine. Kai was always the saint you know? He tried to talk me through. But nobody could make me be myself like you did. Nobody could make me feel warm and content like you.
So I joked the matters away.
It was Ruki who helped me through. He'd always be there, and he'd hug me. He was so small he barely reached my shoulders, but he was still warm. And I was smiling again.
We had fun together. He'd kiss me here and there, and I would laugh. Like nothing was wrong. But then there were these interviews, in which you blatantly said things like, "Uruha's quite distant from me."
Tell me Aoi, is it my fault? You throw me away like I'm some piece of shit, you never come to pick me up, and you blame the whole thing on me. When was the last time we had some decent conversation? I can't remember. When was the last time you hugged me and complemented me?
Do you know how I felt when you said stuff like how hot I looked in shorts and that you wanted to fuck me senseless right then and there? Every time you said things like that, my heart thumped wildly in my chest. And I tried to laugh the embarrassment away.
Couldn't you see how it hurt me when you were so happy, overly happy with how your life was going on? You were as vivacious as ever, may be even more. Like you're free of a burden, that was me. The moment I was away from your live, may be things became easier for you.
And that made me snap from time to time.
So I tried to assault your words back. I said stuff about you, I intentionally put in one or two words that I was sure would hurt you. I wanted you to understand. I wanted you to know how I felt.
Others were not very happy with me. I was there, because I was obligated. But my mind was somewhere else. I am always tired. I'm straining myself away. I know it's wrong. But I can't help it. The only thing I need right now is you Aoi. Please come back….
When I am inches from withering away, you gave me that kiss. Ruki was singing, Reita was manipulating the crowd. You were somewhere on stage I couldn't see. So I grabbed my spot. Only minutes ago Ruki had given me another kiss. That was really sweet of him. That made me smile. That made me feel wanted and loved. At least to someone, I still existed.
I played my heart out. I loved my guitar. It played my emotions. I was totally enjoying myself, and for the sake of the fans and the old times I came up to stand with you, to play with you for a while. You smirked at me as though mocking me for everything, and then you made that illicit move with your hips that made me drool before. But that day, I avoided looking at you, and I wanted to get down from there.
Then you did it again. You broke me again without even knowing. You kissed me.
That was the last thing I was expecting then you know? I was surprised, and I couldn't help but smile. My heart warmed up. And all of a sudden the crowd seemed to become more inviting.
After the live, back in the dressing room, things were back to how they were. Cold. I changed into my usual t-shirt and jeans as fast as I could. I didn't even bother to take a shower. I just wanted to go back home. I didn't have the courage to face you.
I didn't see you standing there. Wasn't looking, I was just following my instincts to the car. And you held me back again.
Before I knew, I was standing in an empty narrow space, which I didn't even know existed. You were standing before me. You are a tad bit shorter than me, but at that time, your shadow loomed over my weak self. Your face was partly hidden in the shadows as the lights didn't reach your sharp contours.
"Do you have something to talk about?" you asked me, coldly. The usual warmness in your voice was gone. I've seen you speak to others, but you never sounded like this before.
I bit my lips and frowned. I didn't know what was going on. What I did wrong this time. I didn't even try to get close to you.
You held my shoulders in a death grip and looked directly into my eyes.
"I want you to talk to me Uruha." You sounded almost demanding. And what made you think I'll talk to you just like that? Why couldn't you see…after everything that we've shared together as friends, I didn't want to hear complaints from you. I just wanted you to take me in your arms, just like you used to. Why couldn't you see you are giving me the looks that froze my heart, and all I needed was some warmth to melt me down.
And here you were, giving me that glare and acting like I'm being stupid or something.
"There's nothing to talk about Aoi." I replied. My own voice sounded alien in my own ears.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?" I countered. I really did want to tell you, wanted to make you understand how I felt, what I wanted. But I couldn't find the words. I know this was my chance of ending the pain that I've been enduring, but I also wanted you to understand that.
You must have had this planned in your head. You simply pushed me into the wall. This was a common thing between us. Whenever you had me alone, you'd have me against a wall, moaning shamelessly into your mouth. But this was a different scenario.
You were angry.
"Look, Shiroyama-" I began but the next words never escaped my lips as you slammed me into that cold wall, leaving a dizzying sensation. I smiled to myself. I knew I had pushed that button. By calling you your family name, I officially refused to accept you.
I would have continued, I had some good words ready in my head. But you kissed me.
I wasn't ready for that either. I thought you didn't like this. I thought you didn't want us together. You've been so distant with me, yet you kissed me twice the same day.
You stopped the kiss just as abruptly as you started it, may be because I wasn't responding, standing limply bracing the cold wall with my trembling hands for support, wide eyed. You pressed your forehead against mine, just for a fraction of a second, and then you left me there.
It took me a long time to realize that you've left me again. I slid down the wall and buried my face between my knees.
That was the day I finally broke.
Baby, don't you know I'm just human
And I've got thoughts like any other one
And sometimes I find myself, oh Lord, regretting
Some foolish thing, some foolish thing I've done.
I was lonely. I was freezing. I was drowning and I was bleeding.
I knew that the pain was only for me to bear. Because you've found your solace. You didn't need me anymore. I was just like an old photograph, that was nice to look at but always got replaced by new ones. You made new friends, you partied out, your eyes were always sparkling.
Magazines and TV shows loved us together so they always wanted to interview us, together. The famous guitarists of the Gazette, Uruha and Aoi. And I would participate in those. It was for business. I don't know if you've felt the same way I did. I wanted to stay away from you. As far away as possible. But our type of work won't allow that.
The crazy dorky Aoi that wanted to bite my fingers off, was nowhere to be found. You were there, but you weren't there at the same time. You'd say nice things about me, stupid things about me, and funny things if the reporters asked about our relationship. And then you said that, "it's better if Uruha and I stay away."
You've given up on me.
What could I do? The only person I held so close to my heart- abandoned me just like that.
God! Aoi I wish I could show you how hurt I was.
Reita kept nagging me, Kai had developed this unusual habit of cooking for me and fattening me up, and Ruki would so all the perverted things his mind could come up with. I laughed with them. But once I was left with myself, I would become depressed again.
There were nights after nights that I spent awake trying to make music. Nothing came out. I kept hearing stuff about you, that you were acting weird these days. I never hung around with you so I didn't know.
The first time I saw you lose control was in the Venomous Cell tour. Why the hell would you throw your guitar on stage? I know that look. You were blaming me again.
Yeah, I regret it Aoi. I regret it so much. If I could, I'd turn back time and make things right again. But I was helpless.
So I kept going back to Ruki. He'd shower me with affection and we'd spend time together over nothing but coffee. He'd make me feel loved again. And on stage, our fanservice, that just happened naturally.
May be Aoi, just may be, you've just grown up, become more matured than me. I'm still the Uruha I was ten years ago, but may be….you're something else now.
Please Aoi- I want to smile again.
I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood…
…..I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.
Baby, sometimes I'm so carefree
With a joy that's hard to hide
And sometimes it seems that, all I have to do is worry
And then you're bound to see my other side.
I am sitting on my couch, clutching my guitar close to my chest, strumming one or two random strings. I can't sleep, even though it is almost 11 o'clock in the night. Tomorrow morning we have practice and a photoshoot. Then another interview, with you, again.
I don't want to think about it. I know I should sleep. But I just can't. I haven't been able to, for a long time now.
There is this faint sound of the door opening. I perked up my ears, suddenly all my sensed sharpened. Who would open my door at this time of the night? And the bigger question was 'how'?
Before I have any time to get up from the couch and look for who or what had made my front door open, you were there. Standing casually, against the doorframe of my living room, as if intruding someone's home at 11 pm is something that happens everyday.
I can't reciprocate any good words in my head. I just sit there gawking at you like an idiot, tightening the grip on my precious guitar.
"Fans think that you are going through an emotional breakdown." The first words you say to me in months are exactly these.
"Wh- what?"
"Ruha, can you please tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours?" I am staggered by what you just said. You called me 'Ruha' and you sound almost like you're exhausted.
I don't have any rational thoughts in my mind. May be I'm hallucinating. May be I'm thinking about you so damn much that my brain is deceiving me. So I close my eyes for a few seconds and take some deep inhales of breath, trying to convince myself that you're not here. You just can't be here.
And when I open my eyes, you're sitting on the coffee table, a look of amusement on your face. You extend your arm and then you tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear.
I don't know what happened to me, but your touch- I couldn't take it. So I just slap your hand away.
"Don't. Touch. Me."
"Ruha- I…"
"Don't say that. Don't call me that."
"Ruha-" I can see that you're hurt Aoi. And it breaks my heart to see you hurt. But I can't let you in. not anymore.
"How did you get in?" I ask, looking outside the window, refusing to meet your gaze.
You playfully dangled a keychain on my face with a metal heart and small rubies, that contained only one key. The key to my apartment. I remember the day I gave it to you.
"I haven't used this thing in a while." You said, with a sigh.
"I didn't stop you from using it."
"I know." With that you sigh again.
I don't know how long it had been. We didn't move. The city lights of the night mesmerized me, and there is this faint touch on my cheeks. Your hands…
"Ruha, I'm sorry babe. Can- can you just give me one more chance?"
I'm angry. I've never felt so desperate in my life. I stand up from the couch and I throw my precious guitar against the nearby wall. I know I'm gonna regret it tomorrow morning. But right now my logics are failing me.
"It has been years Aoi! Years! I'm not a kid that you say sorry to just like that!" I don't know what I'm saying or doing. I just know that I have to break something. Anything.
You try to hold me, but I just move away from you.
"You better as well go back to your life Yuu. You don't belong here. Go away and let me sleep."
"Will you sleep after I'm gone?" You ask softly, as you take a step forward.
I know where you're going. You know very well that I won't sleep. Not after you've paid me a visit like this.
"I've slept all these years. and tonight should be no different."
"Please Angel, just let me in. Just for this once. I promise I'll never ask for anything else from you."
This is what you do to me. You make me go weak to the core. I can see that you are taking your steps towards me, but I can't move. Then you are there, right in front of me. I stand there helplessly as I see your eyes glisten with tears and then I feel your hands cradle my face.
I don't know what to do anymore…
Please, please don't let this be a dream- please…
Those heavenly lips of yours, they were on mine once again.
I could feel the salty tears leak down from the corner of my eyes and before I know I'm holding onto you like a drowning man. I feel your lithe hands snake down my back and they circle around my waist, pressing our bodies together.
Your lips are doing magic on mine; almost lulling me to sleep. But I don't want to sleep anymore. I have you here where I want and I want to devour the feeling.
Your sly tongue finds the entrance into my mouth and I can't help myself anymore. I let a strangled moan out and I can feel your lips curve into a smile against mine.
You let go of my lips, as I pant heavily, still clinging to you. And I breathe out, "I miss that cheeky lip ring of yours. It tasted good…"
I couldn't finish my sentence as I have my lips between yours again.
After what seems like hours, you let go.
"I'll start wearing that if you want." You purr sensually in my ear.
I could do nothing but feebly nod my head.
"And-" You say before kissing me again, "I miss that bed of yours."
That was it. Nothing else was needed to be said. We stumbled and we lost balance and we giggled all the way down the hallway to my bedroom, and I was lying on my back with you hovering over me.
I remember the times when your sleek raven black hair curtained our faces while we kissed. But that doesn't matter. It is you, my precious Aoi, on my bed with me and that's all that matters.
I shiver as I feel your sinful fingers slip beneath my nightshirt. I arch my back unintentionally, encouraging you to go on. God! I missed this so much. Things become almost too much for me to handle when you bend down to kiss along my collarbone, until you reach the nape of my neck. I cry in pain and ecstasy when you sink your teeth in there, gripping your hair.
You kiss along my jawline and I can feel the trail of warm saliva that you're leaving behind. My whole body is on fire. Aoi- how do you do this?
I bury my flushed face in your shoulder and I breathily chant your name like some kind of mantra….
"Aoi…aoi…Hnng….Oh God!"
It doesn't take you long to unbutton my shirt and I fumble with your clothing, my hands and my brain are not working in a synchronization. I am shaking badly.
"It's like our first night together…" I can hear you chuckle above me.
"What do you mean?"
"You were just as nervous…"
With that you take off your shirt yourself and start kissing my chest. I can faintly heat you say things like, "My little baby…" as you keep assaulting me with your teeth and your lips.
Your thumb is caressing my neckline while you suck on the already hardened nub on my chest. I'm moaning and whimpering so audaciously, like there was never this four years void in our relationship. It was so right, so undeniably right, it felt unreal that I spent days and months like that.
I can feel your teeth tug and your tongue graze my flushed skin, turning them bloody. I close my eyes and everything else disappears, except for this moment I'm living right now.
You kiss my throat again, and I can hear you whisper, "Angel, I want you…"
My whole body shudders at those words in anticipation. I nod my head and whisper back, "me too."
Skin against skin, flesh against flesh and the sounds of our hushed shallow breathing that was like the sweetest music filled the air. I didn't know if I was even breathing when you slipped your fingers in my mouth, silently asking me to coat them with my own saliva. And I did just that, and you kept kissing the shell of my ear.
You always laughed about the fact that I was quite 'vocal' in bed. But what could I do when you do this to me?
"Are you ready?" You murmur.
It has been years since we've last done this. I knew this was gonna hurt but I also know this is what I wanted with my life. So I pull you in a kiss, to let you know my answer without having to say anything.
I feel your finger prod at my entrance. And then the pain comes.
I bit my lips, trying not to let any sound of pain out. I don't want you to hesitate. But my insides involuntarily convulse when you try to push through.
"Relax babe…let me take care of you." You softly say and when you look up to see my face I can see your eyes darken. Obviously you've noticed the pained expression on my face.
"Am I hurting you? You can stop anytime…"
"No, no. I want this Aoi. I've been waiting for so long." I moan like a little bitch.
With a quick nod, you do back to preparing me. Little by little my muscles are relaxing. You have three of your digits inside of me now, making me toss back and forth.
You are right. This is like our first time. You don't give me time to settle down. Your fingers suddenly graze that sweet spot in my body. I squeeze my eyes shut.
I can hear myself produce incoherent sounds, and then your lips are on mine.
"I missed this." You say into the kiss as you swallow my moans.
"Please- Aoi, do it please…"
You kiss my forehead and then without any warning you are pushing in me.
I grab your hair so hard, I'm sure I'm hurting you, but I'm not thinking properly. You feel so good Aoi, I've never felt like this in years.
"ahh…hnngg…."
I don't know what I'm doing. I can hear the harsh noise of your heaved breathing, and then you wrap my legs around your waist. With the slight change in angle, you are thrusting harder and then, and then my world turns white as you hit dead on the right place that sends intensified pleasure through my nerves.
And I scream your name.
"AOI! Again! Do that again…"
And you compile my wish. Sending me over the edge with each thrust and I'm left under your body, squirming and begging for more. God! How I missed this!
I can see a sheen of sweat over your skin. Our bodies are slipping and sliding against each other, and you make me scream again when you grab my erection and start pumping it in the same rhythm.
It didn't take me long to cross the line. I came, screaming your name, quickly followed by you. And I felt so exhausted that I wanted to sleep right then and there.
You were strained too, your face showed that, but you cupped my face and kissed me once again. My heart was lighter and it fluttered madly. I kissed you back. But at the back of my head, there were many questions and I needed the answers.
"Aoi?"
"Hmm?"
"Why did you do that?"
"I'm sorry Ruha. I- I was a coward. After you kissed me like that, management wasn't happy. But I should have protested. I was stupid and naïve…"
I shook my head. I wasn't sure of anything now.
"But I realized my mistake baby. I realized it long ago. By the time you were already so far away from me. I didn't know how to talk to you anymore. I wanted you back, I wanted you back in my arms. But, you closed yourself up. you were talking to Ruki all the times, but I could see the sadness in your eyes. And I was angry that you were not opening up to me."
"What made you change your mind?"
"Today's concert. LM.C's concert. * We were supposed to enjoy there right? But even there you were so cold, and we sat so far from each other. Ruki looked like he was bored beyond belief. And Hizumi looked at the three of us like we were zombies. I knew that our problem is affecting our band. And I'm losing you. I don't want to lose you Ruha."
"What took you so long hmm?"
I snuggle into your chest. I can hear you say sweet nothings in my ear, and I smile. For the first time in years, I really smile as I hear your heart beat thump…thump….thump…..