Hurt
I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away. I remember everything.
I go through the motions. I go to work. I eat. I sleep. I'm alive, but just barely. I don't feel anymore. I can't. You need a heart for that, and Emilie took that with her when she...
No. Not thinking about that today. Not thinking about that all, not once I...
Oh, God, I need this. I need this like you don't even know. I'm slowly killing myself. I know that. Maybe I want to die. Emilie...
"Spot, I can't take it anymore. Make your choice: me or the drug."
I looked up at her. I was just getting ready to shoot up. "Em, please don't," I said, pausing for a moment before I injected the venom. She had tears in her eyes. "Spot," she whispered. I knew she wanted me to choose her, and I wanted more than anything else to choose her. Instead, I slid the needle into my arm. She crumpled. Her beautiful blue eyes filled with tears. I knew I'd hurt her, but I was too far on my way into H-Land to care. She turned and walked away, leaving me alone with my high.
What kind of man am I? I let myself be controlled by my addiction. I broke the heart of the only person I ever really loved, who ever really loved me. All the way from high school til now, she put up with my shit. She was a good woman, better than I deserve. She's better off without me...Oh, thank GOD. The drug takes its affect, and for a moment I'm in bliss and I forget all about how I screwed it up with Emilie.