"Maur…I don't wanna have sex with you" Jane said softly, kissing the crown of honey blonde hair.
Cuddled up on the couch, Jane the big spoon to Maura's little. They had retired there after a dinner of half meat half mushroom pizza to watch the game on TV.
Maura had noticed that Jane seemed preoccupied since breezing in with the pizza, but knows by now not to push right away. Look for clues first.
The first major clue was that Jane wanted to share the couch, while laying down. Not the usual routine during game time. The sound was not turned up to the usual volume. As the game progressed Jane was not yelling at the screen-no encouragement, no coaching tips, no groans of disbelief at questionable calls. It was like she wasn't really watching, the TV on for background noise, something to stare at.
The next clue was Jane's hands. One tucked up under her head, the other started off casually resting on Maura's hip. But then started moving in random patterns, roaming from upper thigh to mid torso and back again.
Not that touching was odd. It was just not the norm for game time.
Before a hypothesis could be formulated, Jane finally began to speak.
"Remember a couple of weeks ago when I was teasing you about your frozen yogurt touching? "
"Yes, Jane."
"Then I just walked over and kissed your cheek before I left?"
"I remember."
"It didn't dawn on me what I had done until I was already driving away. Something I have never done so…naturally before. Kissed a…I don't even know what to call what you mean to me. Which got me to thinking. About relationships. And how they go for me. I meet a man who I think might be interesting and attractive, who I think I can talk to and we date. If that seems to go well, we date some more. Then the next step happens. It is expected. It is what is done. So we do. It's not that I don't like it. It's not like sometimes I don't want to. But."
"But what, Jane?"
"Just but." Jane sighs and pulls Maura closer.
"You know you can tell me anything." Reaching to cover Jane's hand, trying to reassure through light fingertip touches, Maura continues softly "You mean everything to me, Jane. You are, at the very least, my best friend. I have already told you I cannot picture my life without you in it."
"I know, Maur. I am just confused, I guess. This. Us. Is the best relationship I have ever had. I feel so comfortable with you. Like I don't have to prove myself. Like there are no preconceived expectations. Protective of you and our time together. I want you to be happy but I think I get…jealous of whoever you are spending time with if it's not with me. I think of something and it is you I want to tell it to. Does this…us…seem weird to you?"
"No, it doesn't feel weird to me, Jane. I have many of the same feelings." Taking a deep breath, Maura decides to push a little. "This is where I want to be. With you. In whatever way you will let me be."
The play-by-play of the announcer is the only sound for what feels like an eternity while Maura waits for a reply that may never come.
"What do you mean, Maur? That sorta sounds like I am controlling you somehow."
"Well, think about how you termed you and me as us. Like a couple." Closing her eyes and holding her breath, Maura waits to see if Jane will run.
"A couple? But we aren't…like that…wouldn't that make us, um, lesbians?"
At last the word is out in the open. And uttered by Jane. How to proceed…
"Well, yes, it would. If we wanted or needed to put a label on our relationship. All I know, in my heart, is that for me, Jane, it is you" entwining their fingers, bringing their hands to her lips and placing light kisses to the knuckles, Maura waits again for fight or flight.
"And you would be ok with people thinking or calling you…me…us lesbians? Or those other so attractive terms?" The return of Jane's sarcasm was a welcome relief, showing she was still engaged in the conversation.
Moving their still joined hands to her chest with Jane's resting against her heart "I don't care what anyone thinks about us but you. You are the person who matters the most to me, Jane." Not able to keep the emotion out of her voice any longer, Maura continues straining to make Jane understand. "You are in here filling up the empty spaces, smoothing the rough patches, making me feel complete and worthy."
"Yes. Yes Maura, I feel that way too. Exactly." Jane's voice is laced with excitement for being understood.
"Maur?"
"Yes, Jane?"
"May…may I kiss you?" hesitant, shy.
"You have never felt the need to ask before. May I know why you need to now?"
"This one will be different. Perhaps our beginning. So? May I?" Anticipating the answer, leaning down as close to her lips as she can, the request for permission spoken directly to her target.
Instead of answering verbally, Maura moves the millimeter necessary to finally touch Jane's lips with her own.
The kiss is just light pressure, like neither of them had ever kissed before. Jane pulls away with a gasp and a soft "Oh", the hand that was against Maura's heart coming to her own lips as if to feel with her fingertips the impressions left behind.
Uncurling the arm from beneath her head, planting it on the couch to provide leverage to lift her upper body so that Maura can rollover onto her back. Jane remains above Maura's body but close enough to kiss properly.
"May I?" Jane rasps out, her gaze moving from Maura's eyes to her lips.
"Yes, please Jane" Maura whispers, the tip of her tongue wetting her lips.
Lowering herself as gently as possible Jane savors the full body contact, resting her forehead against Maura's. "Oh God, the way we fit…it is perfect. So much different than a hug."
Moving in for another kiss, Maura maneuvers a leg in between Jane's fitting them together, the contact everywhere even better than she dreamed.