Lemme tell you a little story about a man named Johnny Tarr
He was a hard drinking son of a preacher, always at the bar
Lager from the tap or shots of Paddy from the shelf
He could open his throttle and throw back a bottle as quick as the devil himself.... Johnny Tarr
Word got around that Johnny Tarr was no pretender,
From Claire to here they'd lock up the beer when Jonny went on a bender,
Down at Dickey Mack's, the Rising Sun, or at the Swan
He was drinking at seven by ten to eleven well all the booze would be gone! Johnny Tarr!
Even if you saw it yourself, you wouldn't believe it,
But I wouldn't trust a person like me, if i were you
I wasn't there I swear i have an alibi
I heard it from a man who knows a fella who says it's true!
It was nine in the morning, on a cold and rainy night,
Johnny rolled into the Castle Bar, looking to get tight
He had money in his pocket, he had whiskey in his eye,
He said: Get up off your asses and set up the glasses, I'm drinking this place dry!
Halt walked into the castle. It was a fairly small bar but suitable for his purposes. He ordered a beer and downed it in a gulp. He'd gotten a bit of a reputation for drinking since will had been kidnapped and Crowley had refused to let him rescue him. All a part of the plan. He settled into a corner, holding his massive longbow threateningly, almost daring someone to try to start a barfight.
Now all the serious boozers, they were soon broken hearted
When Johnny finished off six and he was only getting started
Guzzling down the pints, knockin' em back like candy,
He was lookin' alright to be drinkin' all night, then Nora brought out the brandy! Johnny Tarr!
Halt downed six. The other patrons stared at him in amazement. He figured it was time to start the brandy. May as well enjoy this, he thought.
Even if you saw it yourself, you wouldn't believe it,
But I wouldn't trust a person like me, if i were you
I wasn't there I swear i have an alibi
I heard it from a man who knows a fella who says it's true!
Johnny drank the whole damn bottle, had another pint or two,
When it made no impression he started a session with Murphy's Millenium Brew
He was waiting for a pint when his face turned green;
Jesus, Johnny fell down after only fifteen!
After finishing the brandy bottle Halt ordered another few pints of beer. He started to think he was overdoing it, but decided on it anyway. No one had really noticed him that much yet anyway. He ordered a different brand of beer. It was a bit slow coming out though, and Halt started turning green. Odd, he figured. He'd only had 15. Normally when a mission required him to drink he could take more than this.
You could have heard a pin drop, then the crowd let out a roar,
It took five Cork women to lift Johnny off the floor!
The doctor looked him over and said better call the hearse:
But it's not what you're thinkin' It wasn't the Drinkin' this man died of thirst! Johnny Tarr!
Everyone rushed to his side, of course. Some astonishingly incompetent doctor proclaimed him dead of thirst before another disputed this theory and managed to get him back to his cabin.
Even if you saw it yourself, you wouldn't believe it,
But I wouldn't trust a person like me, if i were you
I wasn't therem I swear i have an alibi
I heard it from a man who knows a fella who says it's true!
2
La, La La La, La, La la la
La, La La La, La, La la la
She's working as a waitress in Dublin,
Filling up the tourists with beer,
Stashing away a little cash every day,
For a ticket to ride out of here,
Every night she feels a little bit older,
Every day a little wetter and colder,
No more rain for this Irish Rose,
She's gonna go (She's gonna go!) where the palm trees grow.
Jenny rushed to get table 5s order filled put7s in the oven grabbed another beer for the Hibernian at table 6 annnnnd……finally, closing time. The Hibernian put up a bit of a fight, but closing time at last! All this rain was starting to get on her nerves. For one thing it was depressing, for another it meant everyone who would normally be outside fled into her dry, warm inn. She added a bit more of the days profits into her "escape to the new continent" fund. Some skandian had apparently recently found some paradise across the sea where all the interesting plants from Arrida grew, but where there wasn't a shortage of water. And, more importantly, it never, ever rained and didn't seem to have a discernable winter.
She wants a Piña Colada in a pint glass...
She wants to be where the summer won't stop,
She wants gin clear water and milk white sand,
A sunburned nose and a drink in her hand
With a pink umbrella on top!
She's standing in line at the chipper,
Waiting for her curry and peas,
But dying for some of that papaya and rum,
And the kiss of a coconut breeze,
Every night she feels a little bit older,
Every day's a little wetter and colder,
She's bought a thong bikini and a big straw hat
She's gonna go and she's not coming back!
The eventual plan, which this rain made all the more necessary, was to buy passage on one of the inevitable colony ships headed out there, and open up another inn. She'd already bought most of the equipment she'd need, in a fit of excitement before she realized she didn't have enough to buy passage yet.
Every night she feels a little bit older,
Every day's a little wetter and colder,
She's cleaning up the tables on Sunday,
But she's dreaming of the tropical night,
Another five or ten in her pocket and then,
She'll be closer to the price of a flight!
Every night she feels a little bit older,
Every day's a little wetter and colder,
She plays Beach Boys records and she dances alone,
And before (before) before she goes home... She pours a Piña Colada in a pint glass...
She wants to be where the summer won't stop,
She wants gin clear water and milk white sand,
A sunburned nose and a drink in her hand
With a pink umbrella on top!
It was seventhday. Jenny was clearing tables after closing. That damned Hibernian had been in again and hadn't left his table in an at all good condition. Will and Alyss had been in though. Seeming them usually cheered jenny up. Another 10 in the fund, still not there, but closer. She poured herself a drink of her own concoction in the only pint glass unfouled by the hibernian, sat down, and dreamed of the land of summer….