All that I am not (Sweet little lies)
By: Gabriel LaVedier
Note: The character of Mr. Virgil White is my creation. The rest belong to Universal studios.
Kodi tore through the soft-packed snow in the dead of night, tears streaming from his eyes. He had finally taken too much from his mother. After another refusal to find a nice mate and settle down, she had started throwing around abuse. Calling him idle and irresponsible, casting allegations at him. Some of which hit too close to home. Especially when she asked him why Kirby seemed to be the only dog he talked about.
Balto had attempted to intervene, his father mediating the madness. But Jenna was hot-tempered and fiery. A good reason to love her, but it could make her quick to set upon someone if she felt justified in doing so. After many angry words from both, Kodi had leaped from the broken boat that served as his parents' home, and run straight away from Nome. Deep into a bit of forestland, where paths had been cut in an almost random pattern.
The grove of hefty junipers seemed to twist and gather around the sorrowful quarter-wolf, hemming him in like the bars of a cage. The path vanished in the darkness, broken only by inconstant visions of the full moon through the evergreen. He couldn't find his way back, but at that moment, he didn't want to. If he was going to be an outcast, he may as well be properly lost in the woods, away from his nosey mother and his heroic father. The father he couldn't be, but was always compared to.
He dashed down the clearest path he had managed to find, soon enough finding himself at an intersection in the heart of the grove, where some of the trees had been cleared away. From the moment he laid eyes on the crossroads, he felt like he was being observed. Examined closely from nearly everywhere. It was eerie, lit by the full moon, deathly quiet, all trackless snow and juniper stumps. He swore that the snow moved at his side, or that the juniper needles rustled without a breath of wind to stir them.
His attention distracted, he was unable to see just when the stranger hopped onto the highest juniper stump. But he did so, quickly enough to escape notice. First there was nothing. Then there was a fox. His fur was a glowing white, and his eyes a rosy pink, the flesh of his nose so pale it was nearly as white as the rest of him.
The fox smiled, showing a row of perfect, snow white teeth. Kodi could only stare at the stranger, who came from nowhere, out in the middle of nowhere. It was a curious tableau, washed in ivory moonlight; the crying sled dog, and the curious fox sitting on the juniper stump. A smile on his face, smug as could be. "Who… Who are you?" Kodi staggered back a little, wary of the smaller canid simply because of his strange appearance.
The smile on the fox's face widened, his eyes narrowing to little pinkish slits. "Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm Virgil White, Mr. Virgil White. Or just Mr. White. Or Virgil, as you prefer. Pleased to meet you."
"That's… A weird name."
"And just what is your name, pup?"
"K-kodi."
"I'd say that's an odd name, Kodi."
"It's short for Kodiak. Like the bear."
"Or the island, or the archipelago on which the bear is exclusively found. That's still an odd name to give to a dog."
"And Virgil White is a strange name for a wild animal to have."
"My dear pup, I'm far from a wild beast. I'm a civilized creature. Oh, certainly, I look like some beast of the field, but I can assure you I know all the social graces and the fruits of domesticity." He leaped down from the juniper stump and started another line of conversation, quickly cutting off ant comment Kodi had about his assertion. "So what has a strong, yet strangely feminine dog like you out in the bitter midnight cold? Crying, running, hitting crossroads in the forest when you have no idea where you're going at all."
"Why do you want to know? Why would I tell you anyway? This is something private, not something you'd just tell a stranger." Kodi started to walk away, turning from the fox.
"Yes, it's true. I am just a stranger." Quick as a flash, Virgil was beside him, trotting along on his four dainty paws. "But I am interested in your problems. I'm a very good listener if you'll only give me the chance. Won't you let me listen?"
Kodi sighed, as he tried to ignore the trotting fox. But he knew it was useless. He had to tell someone. It might help him. He just wanted to get it off his chest to a small degree. "I had an argument with may parents. With my mother, really. My father was too interested in keeping the peace to help me. He stepped back, didn't anger my mother, tried to get us to forget what it was we were fighting about. But I didn't want to, and she wouldn't let me get away with being defiant to her. She wanted to know why I hadn't found a mate. When am I going to find a mate? Kodi, when will you get a mate? Why can't you just settle down with a local girl and give us puppies? Because I don't want to settle down and have puppies! I want to..!" Kodi caught himself, his tongue having tripped along further than he wanted it to. Almost too far.
"Passionate fellow, aren't you? That's good. It takes a lot of fire to make it in this world. I'm guessing you're not just the picky type. But, that's none of my business. I'm sure you have your reasons for not settling down. Important job, no good prospects, you just don't want a settled life… You prefer other company…"
Kodi glared across at Virgil, surprise hidden behind the anger in his eyes. "What are you saying? Don't you dare make accusations about me like that. You're just like my mother. Just because I'm not ready to settle down, and just because I don't want to date doesn't mean that I'm… I'm like that."
Virgil trotted ahead of Kodi, backwards, looking at the dog with a huge grin. "Like what?"
"Like… Like… Like you think I am. Like she does. I'm not like that."
"That's terribly imprecise, Mr. Kodi. How can I know that we are speaking of the same phenomenon if you don't tell me exactly what it is that you're so adamant you are not."
"You KNOW it! You know it. Everyone knows it. But no one says anything because that's insulting. No one would talk about it unless they had proof. And with proof…" Kodi trailed off, turning his head aside and slowing to a stop. "They wouldn't stop at just talking about it."
"Your mother thinks you are a homosexual." Virgil was either tactless, or bold. He let the statement blandly slip from his lips, standing beside the halted, and soon stunned, sled dog. "Am I wrong?"
"YOU! You little… I can't… How could… What is wrong with you?"
"We will get nowhere if all you do is avoid the issue. The heart of the matter must be addressed, or you become your father, avoiding things to keep the peace and resolving nothing. So, your mother thinks you are a homosexual. Are you?"
"This conversation is over." Kodi stomped off from the fox, his teeth bared, his eyes focused ahead of himself. "You have no right to ask about anything in my life. And I don't need to answer any questions. You come out of the snow, start prying into my life, and just throw out accusations without evidence."
"Of course, of course. You are quite correct. I have only the implications which you have given me by your actions and avoidances. But that is not evidence, in and of itself. So, I will let you be as you are. Go on, then. You'll find the path out easy enough to follow." The white fox turned and trotted off into the snarled juniper trunks, soon lost in the snow and darkness.
"Weird…" Kodi shook his head and started down the path the way he had come. It was, indeed, easy to find his way out of the tangled juniper mass and into the clear moonlit night. He looked back at the dark grove one last time, then ran straight for the town, too tired and angry to go back to his father's boat and try to resolve anything with more promises he had no intention of keeping.
He dashed through the quiet town, running for a familiar place, a warm and comforting place. A place he loved. And hated. The boiler room. It was so warm and welcoming. But to his delight and sorrow, HE was in there. Always.
He nosed his way into the room, trying not to wake the others. The rest of the former mail team was sprawled out within, in their accustomed spots. Dusty and Ralph pushed close together after a long night of wanton sex, the other two, a fairly uninteresting and generic pair sleeping separately. And him. The love of his life. Kirby, the bulky, powerful, handsome, muscular, smooth, charming, witty love of his life. And for whatever reason, the canine Adonis favored him with the warmth of love as well. But it was torture being unable to be with him, cuddled close in front of the boiler, spooning.
Ralph and Dusty had it easy. They could screw all day and night, and no one noticed. But Kodi had to be careful what he did with Kirby. Every move, every action, every word. Or else someone might talk. Kodi wanted nothing more than to press against the handsome dog's fur and sleep. But he couldn't be sure that he'd wake up early enough to move to a new spot before anyone else saw them.
He did all that he could, trotting cautiously up to Kirby's sleeping form, admiring the big lump of loveliness. He leaned his head down, close to the sleeping dog, his gaze casting about for prying eyes. His lips pressed a feather-light kiss on Kirby's cheek, and another right on his nose. It was enough, for the time being. He left Kirby there, the other sled puller smiling faintly as his dreams turned more beautiful, and found a spot for himself on the floor. Had he looked up at the window, however, he would have seen a smiling albino fox, with a camera.
"I'll keep you my dirty little Kirby…" The next day, Kodi was happy again. He and Kirby had ditched the others separately and lost them in the snow, meeting at a pre-designated spot. On first meeting they had kissed and licked for a total of nearly five minutes, hungry mouths seemingly impossible to satisfy. Finally, however, they had kissed enough, and strolled through the snow together, with Kodi telling his love that he would keep their secret, in a most original way."
"And I'll keep you my dirty little Kodi. Forever."
"Isn't that sweet? I could just cry." The voice was familiar to one of them. The form that popped up from the loose snow, too, was familiar to one of the two males. Glistening fur of purest white, eyes red as sunset, and something rolled into a tube held in his jaws, set down on the snow once it had been brought up from the hole.
"You again! Why can't you leave me alone? I told you not to bother me." Kodi bared his teeth, stepping forward slowly towards the seated fox.
"Kodi? You know this guy?" Kirby tilted his head a little bit, looking at the unfamiliar and very unusual fox with great concentration.
"I met him last night."
"Kodi!"
"It wasn't like that! I had another fight with my mother. I ran out to that creepy grove of junipers that they never managed to clear a regular path through and found this guy. He did a lot of talking about things that were none of his business. Then I came back to the boiler room. I didn't expect to see him again."
"Yes, it's true. All of it. Even the part about the boiler room. He went right there. I can see why." Virgil bowed his head and favored Kirby with a bright grin. "Pleased to meet you. My name is Mr. Virgil White, or any portion thereof as you wish to call me." He nodded his head over at Kodi. "I finally have what you asked for, so I can say what I desire."
Kodi left his threatening posture, and straightened back up, his face a mask of confusion. "What are you talking about? What did I ask for?"
Virgil unrolled the item he had with him, almost with a flourish. It was a photograph. Sharp black and white. Of Kodi giving Kirby a kiss on the nose. There was no question that it was a kiss of love. Not a comedic act, nor anything coerced. It was real. "What else? Evidence. You wanted me to have it before I spoke. Now I have it."
Kodi gave a small yelp, staggering back. It was as though the picture repelled him, pushed him back with a physical force. It seemed to have the opposite effect on Kirby. He started approaching, teeth bared and lips curled. "You! Give me that! You're not going to ruin his life with that thing! I'll tear you and that thing to pieces."
There was ease in Virgil's bearing and postures. He kept the photo out in front of him, and casually polished his claws on his chest. He barely looked aside as he began to speak, in a calm, measured tone. "Once, when you were a small pup, you told your uptight, conservative, traditional, stolid, hard-hearted father that you wanted to someday be pretty, just like mommy was. He beat you so badly that the mere fact that you were later able to walk was considered surprising. Your mail running career, no less than a miracle."
Kirby was utterly gob smacked, his snarling features dropping into a shocked mask of utter disbelief. He couldn't speak, he couldn't move, he could only stare at the casual fox. He was so calm and cool and collected, after dropping a secret of gravest personal pain. He didn't look at all guilty, or worried about retaliation. That was worst of all. He didn't look like he thought of the canines as a threat, merely an audience he could play. "How did you..?"
"Secrets are no secrets. You need to only ask the right people, see the right things or know the right places to be. I could tell you what happened to Kodi's wolfling sister if you wanted."
"We all know what happened to Aleu. Dad told us about how she crossed the Bering Strait with a wolf pack and is now far away in Russia, where Uncle Boris comes from."
"Of course he told you. After all he was there." There was a smug smirk in the fox's voice, a knowing tone that faded when he started speaking again. "I believe that the people who hold secrets should be the ones to reveal them. It's not my place to disclose secrets. Usually. However, secrets hurt folks, just as much as they help them. They obfuscate the true facts of a person's life. You may be unaware of the full richness of a person's being if all you know is the shell they crafted out of their own secrets and lies. It's the same with groups as with individuals. No one ever says what happened to Steele, who was driven from the town in shame and froze to death after breaking his leg in a snow storm. Because they want to keep their paws clean. Individually they are blameless. No one canine was responsible for his death, but they collectively were. If a group bites someone to death, they're individually blameless but collectively guilty. You can't determine which bite was fatal but it's clear that all the bites together were."
Kodi had one leg over Kirby, who was shaking against his slender, fey lover. The red wolf's-son glared hot daggers at the prideful fox, each careless assertion making his hackles rise more and more. "So what does that mean? What does all this have to do with me? With Kirby? With anyone? Just why are you here?"
"It's no big deal, really. I am here, if you must know, to tell people all their dirty little secrets. I know it seems redundant to tell people the secrets they keep. But when someone tells you a secret that you've tried so hard to hide, it might make you more open to the idea of confessing. Or make you make a mistake and let everyone see behind the mask. Either way, I'm here to make Nome confess."
"To what?" Kirby was back on his feet, tears rolling down his muzzle, his voice holding a little tremble as he remembered the beating.
Virgil smiled, before vanishing into the snow and leaving behind the photograph. "To everything."
"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Much later in the day, following a rubber-legged walk back into town and the surreptitious tossing of the photo into the boiler room's fire. Kirby and Kodi were snuggled up tight against each other, hidden in a little nook that only they knew about.
"I didn't want to burden you. I mean, it was a long time ago. My dad's gone, I'm fine, so there's no reason to bring it up."
"No reason..? Kirby, I'm your boyfriend. You have to tell me these things. I thought we agreed, no hiding things from each other. I've told you about my family and everything that happens."
"I just…" Kirby sighed and shook his head. "Everyone thought my dad was this great guy. Strong, fast, honest. Just this wonderful role model. They all just loved how he took care of me after I had my "accident." I didn't want to ruin that impression."
Kodi looked to his lover's face, seeing the pain fighting with pride, the anger battling sorrow. "Is that why you're so… Big now? You worked to recover from what he did to you, and then some? Wanted to make him proud of you, so he wouldn't hurt you again?"
"He never did. Not after I became what he wanted me to be. Truth be told, when it turned out that I was destined to become, well, like I am, muscular and heavy, he was afraid of me. I loved it, and I hated loving it. I didn't want him afraid of me. But I knew that was best. To his dying day he was afraid I was going to beat him like he did to me. As he got weaker, feebler, more helpless he expected me to get my revenge. But I don't beat up helpless creatures. I'm not… Not like…"
"Him?" Kodi offered, nuzzling at Kirby's cheek. "If it's any consolation, I think your father failed. He tried to beat the prettiness out of you. But I think you're the most beautiful thing in the world." The two canines rested together, heads against each other's necks, slowly inhaling the scent of each other. Thinking on all that had been said. Kodi was the first to realize something and lift his head back up. "Oh my goodness…"
"What is it?"
"He was right."
"Who was?"
"That fox. Virgil White. He said that he was here to make Nome confess to everything. And he just got you to confess to what happened to you, and how you handled it. You opened up to me like he said you would."
Kirby looked down at Kodi, his round eyes wide in surprise. "I didn't even think about it. It just seemed like a natural thing to do. I owed you an explanation and… What do you think this means? I mean, he knew our secrets, and they're well-hidden. Does he know secrets for everyone else?"
"Even if he only knows the secrets of half the canines in this town, he could create chaos. I can only wonder what they're hiding…"
"Kodi!" Balto walked casually down the main avenue of Nome, calling his son's name and peeking into all the alleys he passed. "Kodi! Son! Come back to the boat. Your mother wants to talk. I sear, she's calmed down. Please son, come back to the boat."
"Looking for Kodi, are you? I'm afraid he's… Well, best not to tell that one. That's for him to say." Balto was surprised by the sudden appearance of a white fox. He just appeared, trotting beside him and flicking his thickly-furred tail. "Hello there. Mr. Virgil White, and all variations thereof. You must be Balto, the famous hero. Led the team back with medicine, saved the day, humiliated your rival, turned him into an outcast who wound up dead while you had yourself a litter of pups. Impressive numbers, two out of six weren't quite what you wished. Aleu, a little too much like you and whatnot, and Kodi just a bit too much like his mother. Without the temper, for the most part. Am I right?"
Balto just stopped. Dumbfounded. With the casual ease of a friend talking about the weather, the strange fox had unleashed a stream of implications and accusations that struck Balto as just plain insulting in their directness. "What are you..?"
"Nothing, nothing. Just making conversation. Settle down, hero. I just felt it fair to tell you that Kodi is hiding out, and it would probably be best if you just turned around and went back to the boat. Go on and get some love from your mate while she is collected and together. But don't knot up, you'll want to be out of range sooner or later today." Virgil trotted off, the fox waving his tail in a way that seemed to obscure him, the quick swishing almost blending with the gentle flurries of snow. "He'll be around in his time. And set an extra place if you have food out there. Very likely you'll have an extra for supper."
The low afternoon sun cast long shadows over the streets of Nome, making the trotting fox look like a giant as he walked boldly down the center of the street. They even let him know when two figures stepped out from an alley behind him. "Ahhh, there you are. I wondered when you would come out of hiding. I'm guessing you didn't have a chance to have fun. Never in broad daylight, right?"
"Be quiet, fox. I saw you talking to my father. What did he say to you?"
"Not much. He was mostly just looking for you. Your mother has collected her temper and is ready to talk again. I told him… Well, this and that, and explained you were… Indisposed."
Both dogs gasped, looking to each other then back at the fox. "What did you tell him?" Kodi's voice was almost a whine, his eyes huge with terror. "Tell me! What did you say? What he ask you?"
"I told him you would be around later. And that there would likely be one more for dinner. I would imagine your mother knows that now."
Hesitating not a bit, Kodi turned and dashed down the main street of Nome, putting his sled dog legs to work most desperately. Kirby raced after him, calling, "Where are you going?"
"I have to get back to the boat! Who knows what he told dad! And he's going to tell mom and… I've gotta be there to deny it."
"To deny you." Virgil said with a smile, keeping pace with Kirby through an exhibition of astounding running prowess.
"To deny me." Kirby echoed, voice hollow and sad as he raced behind Kodi.
The sun was barely peeking above the horizon when Kodi reached the boat, Kirby and Virgil hot on his heels. He scrambled up the side of it, hauling himself over the side and onto the main deck, where his parents were waiting for him. "Mom! Dad! I'm here. Whatever that fox said, it wasn't true."
Jenna looked over at her son with a curious expression. "What do you mean? Your father said he just told him that you were busy and would be around later. What did you think he said?"
The younger dog cursed inwardly. Another prediction borne out. Hearing his own secrets had caused him to slip up. He attempted to act casually, trotting up to his parents. "I'm not sure. I mean he just spouts off whatever he thinks. He's probably spreading all kinds of rumors through town. Dad's met him, he knows how he works."
"Exactly! No wonder he's worried. That fox was talking about all kinds of things. Aleu, Kodi, Steele…" Both dogs winced a little at the last name, looking away from each other and down at the deck of the ship. "So, he's probably just around here to spread tales and make sure everyone is suspicious of…"
"Kodi! Wait!" At exactly the wrong moment, Kirby came bounding up and over the side, followed by the silent, smiling fox. "You can't do this! You can't say what you're going to say. You can't because…"
"Kirby! No!"
"I love you, Kodi. And if you ever meant all those times you said you loved me you wouldn't deny it to your parents."
Nobody moved. Nobody breathed. Nobody dared. There was a pall cast over the scene. A dark chill wound its way around the gathered canines. Only Virgil remained active, his omnipresent grin as wide as it had ever been, his reddish eyes looking from one stunned dog to another. Kirby realized too late that his statement had been unnecessary; Kodi was dreading the reaction to his forced outing; Balto was considering what Jenna would do; and Jenna was unable to believe that her son was… "How DARE you? Coming around here, saying things like that in front of us all! You lying, deceitful, sick creature! That's disgusting! How can you dare to think that my son is… Get out! Go away and…"
"Mom! Don't you yell at him." Kodi set his face in a snarl, matching his mother more perfectly than ever before. His hackles rose, his eyes shone with passion and his teeth gleamed as he stood nearly nose-to-nose with Jenna. "I'm not going to deny him in front of you anymore. Want to know why I don't have a mate? Why I don't date, and why I talk about big, strong, handsome Kirby all the time? Because big, strong, handsome Kirby IS my mate. I love him. More than you can know. And please, for once in your life be HAPPY for me. Don't treat me like a pup. I'm not. And you can't just send me to the whelping box for being bad."
Jenna staggered back, stunned by her son's daring. He stood up to her. He had never done that before. She trotted back in, teeth bared more broadly than before. "No! You're just confused. Kodi, you're not like that. You can't be. You're not sick. It's all his fault. He tricked you into it."
"I'm NOT sick, mom. It's not sick to be in love. And I am in love. Please, be my mother for once in my life. Be happy for me, be proud of me. Be something kind."
"You want me to be PROUD of you? Proud of what? Proud that you're an invert? Proud that you're happy underneath another man? Proud that you're never going to give me grandchildren? Oh yes, Kodi. I'm proud of you. So very proud of you. You've become every mother's dream. You submit to the attentions of another man, ignore any females who may like you, and make a mockery of the natural order. I'm just so happy you're like this. Now be reasonable. Why not see that nice Dusty?"
"Mom, Dusty is with Ralph. Everyone knows it. Everyone has seen it at least once. She's very unavailable. Even if she wasn't, it wouldn't change anything."
"Then it IS all Kirby's fault." The red husky turned on the muscular sled dog, eyes burning with hate. "What did you do to him? You worked some kind of evil over him. Did you rape him and tell him to like it?"
"That's enough!" Balto leaped into the fray, teeth bared, halting Jenna less than a hairsbreadth from Kirby, who had been retreating, unwilling as he was to harm his lover's mother. "Stop this, Jenna. If Kodi says he's in love, I think we should believe him. He seems sincere about it. And he's always been a good boy. I don't think this was Kirby's fault at all."
"Even if I had never met him, I'd still feel drawn to men. There's no way to change that, mom. Kirby was there, and he felt the same. It was a miracle. He's a miracle. He's MY miracle, mom. Someone who could love me, like I wanted to be loved. That's the truth of it."
"You… You can't be. It's not right." Jenna shook her head, eyes closing tight.
"Neither is loving a wolf. Can you imagine that? The scandal. The horror. Imagine, falling in love with a wolf. Being with a wolf. Having a wolf's children."
"That's different, Balto. You're only half a wolf."
"Half a wolf is too much for most. Look at me, Jenna. Long, powerful limbs, shaggy gray coat, unsettling yellow eyes. I look like a wolf. I could very well act like one. I could turn into a slathering killing beast at any moment. I'm dangerous. I should be locked away or killed."
"No! You wouldn't, Balto. I know you wouldn't. You're a good dog. A wonderful mate, wonderful father. You're a hero to all these people. To Rosie, and me. Even if you look like a wolf, you'd never act like that. I'm certain. Because I…"
"Know me?" Balto finished for her. "That's right, you know me. You knew me before I was a hero. Trusted me even then. Even with a proper mate courting you. But you didn't give in to him. You remained faithful to me, long after everyone believed I had died. You saw something in me, that cut through what you have been taught. Please, Jenna. Try to see something in Kodi. Try to see the beautiful good in your own son."
There was a heavy silence for a long, long while. The cold wind blew through the listing ship, and around the waiting canines. "This isn't going to be easy. It isn't going to be quick. But your father is right." Jenna turned to Kodi, her hackles down, her face softened, sad-seeming. "I have to learn to see you as my son, my wonderful son. No matter what."
"Oh, mom…" Kodi slowly approached his mother, pressing his neck against the side of hers, while Kirby stood back and watched with a smile.
The situation defused, Balto quietly slipped away, to take a walk in the snow and reflect on what had happened. And to think about certain things which had been said to him. It had been a very strange day, but one that held a lot of promise for the future. His son was no longer a mystery, and his mate would get a chance to work on her relationship with him. His family was coming closer. All thanks to the truth-telling of a mysterious stranger.
"Seems things worked out very well." Virgil white appeared beside Balto, striding casually at his pace. "Your family is the better for all the truth I told, and what they finally admitted to."
"I guess you'll be off, then. You did what you came here for, right?"
"Not at all. There are still many others who need to hear their truths. Besides, how could I even think of leaving, when there's such a big matter about to happen?"
"And just what is going to happen that's such a big deal?"
Virgil stopped dead in his tracks, and looked conspiratorially around. Balto wandered back to him, curious. "Can you keep a secret? I mean, just for a little while."
"Sure I can. But I didn't think you kept any."
"I don't, usually. But it's hardly a secret, since it will be revealed soon enough through no fault of anyone in town."
"Alright…" Balto leaned his head down, one ear cocked up to hear the secret.
"As you wish…" Virgil leaned in and began to whisper, Balto's face going from pleasant smirk to disbelieving slack-jaw. "Aleu is coming back to Nome. She'll be here in a day or so." But the last part sent a chill through the wolf-dog's blood, and made his eyes widen in fear. "And you know who she is bringing with her."
Fin
