Coming Undone

By Dr. Shelly McCoy and spockslovechild

Genre: Friendship, Angst, Drama, Romance, Sci-Fi

Character(s): P. Chekov, H. Sulu, Spock/N. Uhura, J. Kirk, L. Bones/McCoy/C. Chapel

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek... unfortunately.

Author's Note: This is my first Star Trek fanfic.

Author's Note (2): I am collaborating with my friend: spockslovechild, who is responsible for turning me onto Star Trek in the first place.

Chapter One – Chekov's Anguish

Stardate 2258.73

..

"Spock to Enterprise. Get us out, now!"

"Locking wolume. Don't move; stay right where you are. Transport in 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – "

"Mother!"

"I'm losing her! I'm losing her, I'm losing her!"

As the whirring of the transporter quieted, everyone in the room stared as five figures started to appear on the transporter pads and reassemble.

Spock appeared with his arm extended, but then lowered it as he slowly walked up to the empty pad in front of him where his mother would have been. Should have been. He stared at it for a few seconds before looking up at the others, anguished.

He sat straight up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. Again… it happened again. That nightmare. He knew these dreams were out of guilt for what happened, but nothing he did helped. Sure, he talked to the Chief Medical Officer as the Starship was heading home, but it didn't matter. No amount of counseling could help him after what he did, he was sure of that. He had the skill, the knowledge, to bring them all back safely. Everything was going well when the unthinkable happened.

He failed to save Spock's mother.

Ensign Pavel Chekov numbly slid out of bed and slowly trudged to the bathroom. As he undressed, he glanced at himself in the mirror. He looked tired. Very tired. And pale. This would not go unnoticed by his roommate and he hoped that nice, hot shower would help him at least look less pale.

Pavel turned the water on and adjusted the temperature to go as high as he could tolerate before stepping in. He stood there with his eyes closed as he let the steamy water hit his face and then turned around after a few minutes to soak his back. After washing his hair and scrubbing the dried sweat from his body, Pavel sighed, thinking this was the most relaxed he was going to be all day.

Pavel turned the water off and then got out of the shower before wrapping himself in a towel.

Today was the last day before he started his assignment aboard the Starship Enterprise with its new captain, James T. Kirk.

It had been a month since the crew of the Enterprise returned home from the battle with Nero, a battle that nobody will forget in a long time, considering the events that happened during those three days. Or was it four? It could have been two days for all he knew. The Starship had finally been fully repaired and is ready for a proper christening.

But there's going to be a ceremony first.

Pavel walked to his closet and pulled out his cadet uniform. He quickly dressed and then looked at himself in the mirror that was hanging on the door of the closet, thinking that this was going to be the last time he's going to wear it.

Five years he's going to be on the Enterprise, serving alongside those he served with only a month ago. James Kirk was going to be the captain. He was going to be the navigator. Leonard McCoy was going to be the Chief Medical Officer. Hikaru Sulu was going to be the pilot. Spock was going to be the First Officer…

Oh my God.

Spock.

Pavel felt suddenly nauseous and he sat on his bed to help settle his stomach. How was he going to be able to be around Spock? He never actually heard Spock say that he blamed him, but how could he not? Pavel was at the controls when Spock, his mother, and the other Vulcans were being beamed back up. He was locked onto all of them and then he just suddenly lost her.

It didn't make sense.

Pavel looked up as he heard the door to his room swish open then close, indicating that his roommate was back. His roommate, Hikaru Sulu, was stationed next to him on the Enterprise and he was glad when he found out they were going to be roommates during their month on leave, only to return to the Enterprise as its navigator and pilot. It was refreshing to know that Pavel could trust Sulu with anything, especially the nightmares he was having.

Oh, Sulu knew all about those. Many nights Pavel would find himself being shook awake, having been screaming in the middle of the night. It was Sulu who encouraged him to seek counseling and talk to McCoy, who in turn told him to talk to Spock about it.

It wasn't that Pavel didn't want to talk to Spock, it was that he didn't know how to. McCoy had told Pavel that only he could bring this up to Spock. It would be easier that way.

Yeah right.

"Hey man, are you alright? You look sick."

Pavel jumped slightly at the sound of his roommate's voice which resulted in him getting a concerned look from Sulu.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Sulu paused for a few seconds as Pavel shrugged his comment off. "What happened?"

"I had zee nightmare again."

Sulu had just set his messenger bag on his bed before hearing Pavel's whispered answer, and then he sighed, understanding. It hurt Sulu to see his friend like this – overwhelmed with guilt for something that was clearly an accident, but it didn't matter. Nothing Sulu said got through to Pavel, who continues to mentally torture himself over the event.

Pavel hung his head as Sulu walked over and sat next to his friend on the bed. He knew what Sulu was going to say. He basically said the same thing every time Pavel mentioned having the nightmare, but didn't say anything as he heard the familiar words.

"Talk to McCoy."

Pavel shook his head. "I've done zat. I've been talking to zee Doctor since ve got back. Eet hasn't helped."

Sulu hadn't missed Pavel's tone softening to a whisper by the end of his sentence. He knew his friend wanted help, but it was Pavel's guilt that was keeping him from doing the right thing and talking about it to the right people. Or, in this case, the right person.

"Well you can't keep beating yourself up about it. Have you talked to Spock?"

Pavel sunk slightly and glanced away. Sulu sighed.

"You can't avoid him forever. He's more than likely going to be in the Enterprise with us."

"I know, I know." Pavel sighed then lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Spock was going to be First Officer of the Enterprise. Everybody knew that; he was the best. "I vant to talk to him, but I… don't."

Sulu looked at his friend in confusion. He didn't understand why this was so hard for Pavel.

"He'll understand."

Pavel suddenly sat straight up, startling Sulu, half-panicked.

"Deed you see vat Mr. Spock deed to Kirk on zee Bridge?"

Realization.

Sulu looked at Pavel with empathetic eyes as his friend looked away again. Pavel was afraid Spock was going to have the same reaction as he did when Kirk made the comment about Spock not loving his mother. Everyone knew why he did it and that Kirk never meant the comment he made, but nobody spoke of her after that. Nobody knows how Spock would react if Pavel brought up the subject of his mother, and it frightened Pavel. Sulu nodded.

"Of course I saw, but Spock's not going to beat the crap out of you for apologizing."

Pavel remained silent.

"You hungry?"

The Ensign looked at Sulu, confused by the sudden subject change.

"You need food. You look like a ghost. Also, we need to leave soon anyway. The ceremony's going to start in a few hours."

Pavel quickly looked at the computer screen on his wall which displayed the time. It was 10:28AM and the ceremony was scheduled to start at 1:00PM. An hour later, they would all report to the Enterprise to start their mission. He nodded to Sulu before getting off the bed and grabbing his messenger bag. They left together, heading towards the Mess Hall for the last time.

Thanks for reading =)