I Have Died Every Day Waiting for You
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
-A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
I wish I could say that it was like a scene from a movie, but that's too cliché for something as beautiful as that moment.
Wait a minute, let me gather my thoughts. How did I fall in love? That's a peculiar question. You came all the way here to ask me that? Well, I suppose I could try to answer, but I'm not sure if I can accurately tell you. You might as well take a seat. You know how I get; we may be here for hours.
My entire life, I never believed in love, at least not really. I didn't even acknowledge that fact until I met her. I guess it was something that was there, just below the surface. To me, love was a fantasy, something that didn't really exist. People were in love because they wanted to be in love, not because they really were. How else was it possible to fall in and out of something so powerful?
Maybe the reason I never believed in it was because I'd never actually seen it. I'd seen my parents, but the way they talked about each other behind the other's back made me doubt that they could be in something called love. If you love someone, they don't have faults. Those faults are nothing because it's a part of who they are, a part of the person you love.
I'd always wanted to fall in love, though. I even tried to force myself to be attracted to people, but it was never really there. I'd cry over it, but those tears weren't sincere. I was crying because I wanted to cry, to convince myself that I'd fallen in love. If anything, I was crying for myself, crying for someone who couldn't manage to understand something everyone else seemed to. When everyone else was talking about the people they liked or their boyfriends or their latest crush, I felt a little left out, so much so that I'd feign interest in some boy.
At first I thought maybe the reason why I couldn't seem to develop feelings like everyone else was because I was trying to fall for boys, so I opened myself up to girls. That didn't help, either, because, despite the fact that there was someone I liked for a while, I never truly felt that feeling of being in love. I wasn't as obsessed as the other girls I'd heard talking about their men. I wanted to be with someone, but not enough to actually put forth the required effort. It's not really love if you don't care enough to put forth that effort, right?
If first impressions were a test, then Aria aced it.
I don't think I fell in love at that moment, but I certainly fell. I remember the uncontrollable need to go over to her and ask her her name. Of course, asking her would have been redundant since she was in the midst of introducing herself to the class.
"My name is IA, but I'd be very grateful if you would refer to me as Aria," she expressed, bowing slightly, the two short braids behind her ears falling in front of her shoulders. "Please treat me kindly."
The teacher informed her that her seat would be the one beside mine. A trick of fate, I believe. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her as she made her way to her desk, sitting down calmly and gazing forward as the teacher began class. Everyone was watching her, but she didn't seem bothered by the attention. At least, that's what I believed at first, but as I watched her more, her gaze flicked to mine. I started as she kept her gaze locked to mine and gently wondered, "Is something the matter?"
"Nothing," I said, embarrassed, in response. I turned my gaze back to the teacher and waited for her to do the same. When she did, I returned to watching her out of the corner of my eye. Only then did I notice how tightly she held her pencil and how much that hand, and her entire being, shook. She was terrified. I couldn't blame her. And I wanted to help her, so I nudged her gently, forcing her gaze toward me, and whispered, "I'm Cul. Do you wanna join my friends and I for lunch?"
Her mouth opened a little, and it took me a moment to realize that she was gaping. It was incredibly cute, I remember thinking. I smiled kindly for her, inviting her to speak. However, I think she was too afraid to speak, so she merely nodded instead. I grinned and said, "Great." Then, I turned back to the teacher, and she did the same.
To be perfectly honest, I can't remember what happened at lunch. I just know that, after that, I became known as her best friend, and I started dragging her along everywhere with me. She became my best friend almost instantly. We shared secrets, played games, teased each other. I didn't realize until later how unsatisfied I was with that. I only figured it out when she told me that an upperclassman, Gakupo, has asked her out, and she wasn't sure how to respond.
I remember that I felt horrible when I went home that night because I'd been so cruel. I'd warned her that upperclassmen only wanted one thing from lowerclassmen. She didn't know what I meant, so I proceeded to inform her of all the girls Gakupo had dated in the past and of the month he spent asking out every single girl in the school until someone finally said yes. She looked heartbroken, crestfallen, but I continued anyway, vicious, childish, malicious. She must have felt so special having someone ask her out, and I stomped all over it. I still feel terrible about it, but there's nothing I can do now.
In the end, she turned him down. I suppose she must've told Gakupo everything I'd said, because he came after me about it. I know we had a huge argument, but the only part of it that I can remember was him accusing me of sabotaging his relationship because I wanted to keep Aria all to myself. I remember I was stunned to silence when he seemed to cool down and followed with a simple statement. "You have to sort out your feelings or you're never going to win the battle for her. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's considered her for a girlfriend."
It was then that I started questioning my feelings for her. In the end, I thought I loved her, but I wasn't sure. The time when I actually knew I was in love with her was the moment I saw her at her weakest.
One thing about me is that I always wished I could be a boy when I was a kid. I guess that was the first sign that I'd end up falling in love with another girl. When I was younger, I used to wish that I could be a boy so that I could date all of my girl friends. That was before I knew girls could date each other, of course. So, seeing as I wanted to be a boy, I always figured that that meant that I would be the prince in shining armor coming to save the princess. The truth was, however, that I always wanted to be the princess. I wanted a valiant knight to sweep me off my feet, to protect me. I guess the truth is that I always wanted to be in love. It killed me that it never seemed to happen.
However, when I saw Aria, I realized that she was the one I'd been waiting for. You see, everyone thinks me the male of the relationship, but, in truth, with Aria and I, there is no male or female. I'm the tougher one, but I want to be the princess. Aria is the dainty, shy girl, but she's the knight in shining armor.
I was home sick that day, and it was pouring rain outside. I don't know what it was that possessed me to look out my window, which gave me a view of the road before my house, but I did. And I saw her there, standing without an umbrella in the pouring rain. She was getting absolutely drenched, but she just stood there, staring up at my window. I couldn't see her face, as far away as I was. But I ran, I ran down the stairs, I ran out of the house, I ran to her. Despite my overly-dramatic running, I stopped right in front of her, unsure what to do with myself.
"What are you doing?" were the first words out of my mouth.
"I came to see you," she replied, smiling, but her eyes held too many emotions for me to interpret. "You weren't answering your phone, and I was worried, especially when you didn't answer the door."
It was then that all my doubts seemed to disappear and I became certain of how I felt for her. I laughed a little, overcome by so many confusing emotions, and said over the rain, "My battery's dead, and the doorbell's not working. How long have you been standing here?"
It was Aria's turn to laugh. "That's a little too embarrassing to admit." She grasped one arm with the other, right above the elbow, looking so incredibly shy that my heart beat faster. "I guess I overreacted, huh? I just couldn't manage to leave."
I remember that I started crying, but, because it was raining, she didn't notice. Instead, much to my surprise, I felt her arms wrap around me, and she started crying, as well, much louder than myself.
"Please, Cul, please don't hate me, but I really have to tell you something, okay?" she begged. "Please, please don't hate me, but I think I'm in love with you."
I was silent for a moment before I closed my eyes and stroked her hair as she cried. "Aria, please don't cry anymore. I don't hate you, not even a little. How can I put this?" I paused for a moment before finding the perfect words. "I've loved you for a thousand years, Aria, and I'll love you for a thousand more. I don't know what I was doing before you came into my life, but I know that I don't want you to ever leave again. I never want to go back to that time."
"I want to protect you from everything they'll say about us," Aria whispered after a moment. "I know they'll say terrible things, and you deserve better than that."
"Do you really love me?" I felt the need to ask, not quite wanting to hear her answer.
"I love you," she assured.
We stood together, silently, in the rain. That's when I fell in love.
Author's Note: Celebration of my one-year Fanfiction anniversary! I originally posted this back in March, but I took it down for reasons I won't get into for fear of sounding bitchy, so, anyway, hope you enjoyed it! I also wrote this for my girlfriend of the time, and, even if we're not together, this story is still incredibly important to me, and I hope it is to her, too. Anyway, please review if you have the chance!