"Breaking Up"
Vaughn hated wearing ties. He hated the way it felt against his throat; the way it seemed to just barely allow him to continue breathing. It was strange he did not seem to notice a difference today. But then breathing had not been easy for the past few days anyway.
There had never been such an unmemorable drive. In fact, he was having trouble remembering any of it. But here he was standing on the cliffs. The salty wind beat against his face, drying his unshed tears. One hour from now he would be saying goodbye to her. He hated funerals even more than ties. Privacy was his preference in these situations. That is why he had come early—to say goodbye on his own terms, but closure seemed more elusive than ever here.
Looking down the beach he saw the pier where they had met several times in the beginning. The beginning—he had been so determined to find the truth that he had not even noticed when she had first distracted him from his goals. He could not remember when being her handler had become all about her. It had been years since he had met with Renee´, and months since he had thought about his off the books investigation. Being with Sydney had distracted him from everything that had once seemed important, but he was far from resenting her for it. When he was with her, he could maintain the illusion of security—that maybe, just maybe, the people that had ordered his father's execution were no longer operating.
Turning his eyes back to the ocean, he refocused on her. They were supposed to be on a different beach right now in Santa Barbara. Normally, he would have called to cancel the reservations. He hated the idea of not keeping an appointment, but he knew they would ask why they were not coming. There was no way he could say it. His eyes were pulled down when he heard his phone ring. It was Weiss. Ignoring the call he replaced his phone. Remembering why he had come, he regretfully extracted the other item from his pocket.
The contents of the small velvet box had been purchased just a few days ago. Rationally, it had seemed too soon, but he had considered using it in Santa Barbara. Today actually. Now it seemed that "too soon" was still too late.
He seated himself on the unforgiving rock under his feet. Pulling his knees up, he held the ring in his line of sight. Never had he thought that something so small could represent his entire life. The small circle of gold slipped over his index finger, and stopped short hindered by his first knuckle. Her fingers were so small. By all appearances, she was delicate. Not exactly petite at 5'10", but still slight though she would kill him if he ever said that aloud. But it never affected her. She was strong in every possible way. Much stronger than he was. Definitely much stronger than he felt at the moment. His head moved to rest on his forearm, and his eyes closed as he replayed their last conversation. She had been looking forward to their vacation. She was excited. Perhaps it was a little audacious of them to make plans for the future, but surely it did not deserve so severe a punishment. Removed from the drying effects of the wind, three tears escaped his restraint, and he quickly raised his head again. It stung his eyes, but somehow the pain was a relief.
"I don't think I can do this, Syd," he whispered in the direction of the ring that was intended for her. "You know I've never been able to hold a grudge against you. Not for very long. But I'm not so sure this time. I never really told you, but... I think you knew. I hope you knew... how much I love you. How pointless this is going to be without you." Swallowing hard and closing his eyes against the tears that threatened him again, his shaking hand reached for the ring and removed it from his finger. Painfully, he stood and approached the edge of the cliff. Staring over the edge, he spoke again. "You know I don't want to do this. I'm not even sure that I can, but I have to. I think it's what you'd want." He held the ring in his left fist and opened it to look at her ring one more time, his eyes were repelled from it, and disgust overtook his features. He could not accept what he was about to do. There was no accepting it, but he had to do it. With almost enough force to propel himself forward as well, he hurled the band into the ocean. It was gone forever now. Never to return. Just like Sydney, he told himself. Turning his back on the cruel waters that had taken her from him, he tried to face the idea of doing this all over again in front of everyone. It was not a pleasant idea, but it had to be done. Growing numb was his only defense, and so he would.