You're My Favorite

by ShinkisRule

Oneshot. How was this possible? The others had so much more than me. The band was three amazing, talented, dedicated, admirable people... And then me. So how could it be that over the three of them, anyone would choose me? How could anyone...?

I am a Fish Stick Friday fan. I've mentioned in my epilogue thingy for Big Time Halloween – this guy is an absolute genius. I recently read Report Card Blemish, and as of yet, it is THE best Logan story I've ever seen. I've read it what, five times now? I need to go read it again... I never get tired of it. Along with Katie, Logan has always been my favorite character. And after reading that, I had to come up with my own Logan story. Around the third time I read it, I was hit with inspiration. So I guess that really, this is Fish Stick Friday's idea. No, I'm not ripping off one of his stories. I just found the story within the story, and I wouldn't have gotten the idea unless I read it. Eh, read the two and you'll get it. But the point is that I owe it all to you, o great one. *bows* Oh, this takes place somehwere between Big Time Concert and Welcome Back, Big Time. Somewhere during the tour. I think. I don't normally bother myself with such details. xD

You're My Favorite

"BIG TIME RUSH!"

"BIG TIME RUSH!"

"BIG TIME RUSH!"

I could feel it. This was our time. Now matter how many nights we would perform, it never went away. That feeling that never quite made sense... I was both horrified and thrilled. Determined and uneasy. Normally I would have thought that they would cancel each other out, but now I knew it didn't work like that. This was what being onstage was like... A dream come true and a living nightmare. It was incredible.

Gustavo had mentioned earlier that around now would be when the fans had started spreading the word – meaning this could very well be our biggest crowd yet. And he was right. I was sure the noise was at least ten times magnified. I had to make this one count. Once I stepped out from behind that curtain, there would be no turning back. Whatever happened up there would stay there forever.

I was tempted to peek at the audience, just for a second, just to see what I was dealing with – I could do it without being seen. But I'd learned by now that that would spoil it. Stepping onto that stage, seeing all those people screaming our names and singing our songs, that feeling I'd get... If I already knew what was out there, it wouldn't be the same. It was one of the only times when I could really experience not knowing, and then afterwards, just... There were no words for it, really.

I never thought I'd be doing anything like this in my life. I never believed I was meant for something this big. It was kind of funny when I thought about it. After all, being a doctor meant someone's life would be in my hands. I'd wanted to do that, but not be a performer? Maybe something deep inside of me knew that a life like this was what I'd really wanted. And now, here I was.

"You guys ready for this?" Kendall asked, holding his arm out. The motivational speech was about to begin – when he spoke, his words never lost their power. Carlos, and James, and I all approached him.

"James," said Kendall, "On the other side of that curtain are thousands of girls. Can you handle it?"

"Always," said James, placing his fist on top of Kendall's.

"Carlitos," Kendall continued, "The most epic ride of your life is awaiting you – are you willing to take that chance?"

Carlos nodded firmly, and smacked his helmet onto his head. Kendall walked up to Carlos and removed it. He put the helmet on the ground, then placed both hands on Carlos's shoulders.

"You are more than your helmet," Kendall told him. James and I were both stifling grins, but Carlos looked more inspired than he'd ever been. Kendall went back to where he had been standing, fist in center. Carlos outstretched his arm and held his fist on top of Kendall's and James's.

"Loganator," Kendall said at last, "When you're out there, remember... We can't do this without you."

I didn't know how it was possible. Somehow, Kendall always knew what to say. It would always be exactly what I needed to hear. He was the best friend I could ask for... They all were.

"Thanks," I said, and completed the circle.

Kendall began his conclusion.

"If any of you are beginning to doubt yourselves – and I know you are – just remember where we came from. Remember all we had then. Remember how far we've gotten. We never imagined that this would even be possible. Except for you, James. We all know you did. But look where we are now. All those people out there are screaming our names. And now it's time for the four hockey players from Minnesota to show the world that nothing can hold you back from a dream." Kendall paused and looked each of us in the eye. "That is why we're here... Big Time Rush on 3. 1, 2, 3..."

"BIG TIME RUSH!" The four of us shouted, in unison with the crowds as we broke. We all took our places in the wings. Any minute now, the curtain would open.

This was our time.

I rolled my eyes as James wandered over to peek through the curtain. It was just like him to miss the point. He fed on the audience, as we all knew. But did he really have to do that every time?

"We're on any minute!" I squeaked in a loud whisper, "What are you doing?"

But instead of making excuses about waiting for the signal like he usually would, James just stood there.

"James!" I snapped, still maintaining that same tone.

There was a three-second pause. Finally, James responded.

"Guys," he said, complete captivation in his voice, "...You're gonna want to see this."

Carlos was the first to approach, ignoring Kendall's and my protests. His face lit up as soon as he laid eyes on the audience. Knowing James and Carlos, it was probably a girl or something. Carlos looked back at me with a huge grin on his face, then returned his eyes to the crowd. I didn't even bother. These two were hopeless sometimes, and I may as well let them have their fun. But I didn't want to join them. Kendall, however, did. By the exasperated groan he gave, I could tell it was just to see what this was all about and to get them back where they were supposed to be.

Shockingly, Kendall didn't stop them. In fact, he looked completely mesmerized by whatever was out there. I started to have second thoughts about this being something stupid. Maybe it was someone we knew and hadn't seen in a while? Frankly, I had no idea.

"He wasn't kidding, Logan," said Kendall, "...You're gonna want to see this."

As much as I wanted to know what the big deal was, I thought it better to wait until it was actually time for us to start. I shook my head and didn't move from where I was standing.

Much to my annoyance, Kendall walked up to me, grabbed me by the back of my collar, and began to drag me over to the edge of the curtain. "Come on, Logie," he ordered. He was a bit stronger than me – okay, a lot stronger than me – so there wasn't much I could do but follow and wonder when people had started calling me Logie. He let go and gave one final shove. I brushed off my shirt and gave him my "Why?" face. Kendall simply gestured for me to look at the audience and find out. I sighed and turned around. This had better be good.

In the front row was Camille, holding up a huge posterboard sign that read "Logan is MINE!" in big bold letters. I chuckled, not expecting any different from her. Jo was standing next to her, and they were both chanting "Big Time Rush" along with pretty much everyone else. I was glad they could both make it, but I had the feeling they weren't what the guys were so insistent that I see. I looked out into the rest of the audience, but I couldn't see any familiar faces. Granted they were pretty far away, but still, I had no idea what I was looking at.

"What is this?" I asked, "Where-?"

I cut myself off and took a good look at the whole crowd. There were far more people than I had anticipated. The whole place was completely packed, something that had never happened until now. It was quite a sight to see. But that couldn't be it. I was sure that the reason they wanted me to see this now was so that I could really look at it without any distractions, and so that I wouldn't give my reaction in the middle of a song. But still, I was lost.

Suddenly, it hit me.

Camille wasn't the only one holding a sign with my name on it.

A long breath escaped me. This couldn't be possible, could it...?

I never saw this coming. James was the one who always got the girl. He was just... Well, James. Or Kendall. He was kind of the leader, so that should have given him some points. I was sure that every fan wanted to marry him or be him. And what about Carlos? He may have been completely insane and ocassionally a little disgusting, but overall, he was loveable.

But me? What did I have?

James had a great number of signs out there. Kendall as well. And Carlos may have had more than either of them.

I had more than all of them put together.

"Logan rocks." "Kiss me Logan." "Logie, I'm counting on you!" "Logan, you're my favorite – nerds gotta stick together!" "Logan gets an A for awesome." "Logan, will you marry me?" "Logan. 4.0. EPIC." "Logan has my heart." "Nothing even matters but Logan and I." "Logan, solve for i..." I didn't even need to read the equation. I recognized the classic "i is less than 3u" where the 3 and the less than symbol came out as a heart. There was one with my face on it that read, "Blessed are the geeks, for they shall inherit the Earth." Even "Logan is smokin'." And so many more. I couldn't read them all. My sight had blurred.

How was this possible? I never thought that out of the four of us, anyone would favor me. Me... Since when did math and science geeks have... anything? What did I have besides being smart? I was awkward and weird and afraid of everything. Any amount of stress rendered me useless. I could never bring myself to take risks. I couldn't talk to a girl to save my life and I was an overacheiver. I couldn't dance, I freaked out over any grade below a 95, I was the worst hockey player in the history of the world, and I let people walk all over me. I wasn't good at anything besides academics and apparently singing. Back in Minnesota, I'd always get stuffed in lockers and tripped in the hallways and other things that I'd rather not remember. There were only three people who actually considered themselves my friends then. Now, maybe five. Maybe I got good grades. But overall, I was a failure. I couldn't do anything right. So... So how was this possible?

When one person showed any hints that they might care about me, I couldn't comprehend it. Camille was enough. And even then, it would only make me believe in them as people who were different. But it never made me think that I, as who I was, deserved it. But this was thousands of people I didn't even know. Only the people closest to me, who really knew things about me that I didn't, ever liked me. By what they had written, these people knew enough of who I was. But I never believed that whatever amount of me they'd seen could possibly be enough for... For this.

The others had so much more than me. The band was three amazing, talented, dedicated, admirable people... And then me. So how could it be that over the three of them, anyone would choose me? How could anyone...?

"We can't do this without you."

My hands began to shake. It was overwhelming. All these feelings were mixed up inside of me. I was dumbfounded. I was confused. I was self-aware. I was lost in the moment, and above all... I was touched. I just couldn't believe that this was all real. They actually saw something in me. And for the first time in a long time, I began to think that maybe... Maybe there was something... Something that I would never see, but somehow everyone else always did. Somehow, even though I was completely aware of all these things that were wrong with me, that worthlessness that I'd been feeling my whole life had softened. I actually felt loved.

The whole world had just dissapeared. There was just me and this feeling, and I kept trying to break it down and figure it out, but the harder I tried, the more I realized it was something no words could express. I just stood there, unable to see or hear or think anymore... It was all so much. Whatever this feeling was, it was just so strong... Before I knew it, I was crying.

I was crying... Why was I doing that? I didn't even know what I was feeling, but whatever it was, it was good, right...? So why was I like this?

"Logan," said Kendall, putting his hand on my shoulder, "I'm sorry. Is it too much?"

"I..." I choked out, "I don't know, I just... I never... I never thought that..." I couldn't even talk anymore. Whenever I opened my mouth, all I heard were sobs. What was the matter with me? I'd never gotten this emotional before. I tried to say that I was fine and not to worry, but I couldn't get the words out. And even if I could, considering the fact that I was crying, chances were they wouldn't believe me. I had to compose myself quickly if I had any hopes of singing tonight.

"Don't apologize," I said, forcing the words out my throat, "This is..." Again, I couldn't speak. But really, I couldn't imagine what a disaster it would be if I started choking up onstage – If it was during something like Worldwide, then it might almost barely work, but knowing the way my life was, I'd notice the signs during an extermely unfitting song like Big Night. That really wouldn't be good. So no one needed to apologize for showing me now.

"Didn't you know how much they love you?" Carlos asked.

"No," I stammered, "Why would they...? Everyone thinks you guys are so perfect and I'm just..."

"That's why," said James, "Perfection's boring."

Perfection was boring? What, and I wasn't?

"But they've never even... I haven't... They don't know me..."

"You don't remember the audition?" Kendall asked, "As soon as Kelly saw you, she wanted you to try out. And it wasn't just desperation. She saw something in you, just for that one second. It's just always there."

I was desperately trying to pull myself together now, but I still found incredible difficulty saying anything coherent. But it seemed they knew from the look on my face that I still didn't understand. What was always there? I was awful at first impressions. The way he was talking made it seem like I just have something in me, always shining through... And I supposed it was true; it doesn't take long for someone to see any of... Well, me. But what was so good about that? I'd been analyzing every aspect of myself that I could think of this whole time and found nothing of importance. And yet somehow... Somehow this happened.

"I think it's better you don't quite get it," said Kendall.

"Why?" I asked, hoping this was the last time I'd have to wipe my face.

"That way we know you'll never change," said Carlos.

Whenever people cry, all they want is to know that everything will be okay. But now... Now was different. After years of barely convincing myself that I could do anything of worth, or be anything of worth... I really felt like, for once, that maybe it was really possible. My mind still couldn't quite process any of this. But it seemed like the reason I was crying was because I actually believed that it really would be okay. And I was sure that no one on this earth with as many insecurities as I had, who's had to suffer through the simplest, most painful things imaginable... Who then realizes that their hopes and dreams aren't in vain, that it really is, in fact, possible for things to get better, and that it really will be okay... No one could contain that feeling without tears. And I thought that since none of them had asked me if I was okay, then maybe they understood. They may not have known why, but at the very least, they knew I was okay.

When Kendall had said they couldn't do this without me, I had first thought that it was to remind me they cared about me. But now, as I stood here in awe, gazing at three people among the thousands who thought I wasn't useless, my eyes shining, knees weakened, hands shaking... I finally started to believe that maybe, just maybe, it was really true.

Anda voila! She isa readya! Mwa! I'vea suddenly becomea Italiana! ...Wait, is voila Italian or French? Eh, felt Italian. ANYWAY, yeah. This story. If you've read Report Card Blemish, then you now know what I meant when I said it inspired this. Endless gratitude goes to Fish Stick Friday, master of BTR fanfics. Not sure how good this actually is, but I've managed to please myself. Even though it seems a little unrealistic that they'd have that much time between the pre-concert speech and the actual curtain opening. I dunno. I'm just gonna use the excuses that 1) time slowed down in Logan's mind, and 2) Kendall was early. The whole thing could have taken place in five minutes. I wish the ending was better... I couldn't think of a good way to go straight into the concert, so I figured that would have been the best place to end it. It was fun to write the other guys. Kendall is my second favorite band member, so he got to talk the most. And then Carlos got the last bit of dialogue, because he comes right after Kendall in my order of favorites (really, who couldn't love Carlitos?). And James had very little because, well... Eh. He amuses me, but he also kinda makes me angry. For unknown reasons. Perhaps because he was wearing a T-shirt with him on it. Amusing, but at the same time weird. But due to his weirdness, I would love to write a James humor story... Why am I critiquing the guys? I should be critiquing my story! Wait, I already did that... Umm... I ran out of things to say... Yeah. Logan. Awesome.