Sometimes I get sad.
I like to walk around the house at three in the morning.
It clears my head, gets me thinking about the right stuff, and makes me want to be better.
I started this type of thing when I was nine and my parents got divorced. They told me over and over again that it wasn't my fault but I never believed them. They never really wanted me, they never wanted children. I was a total surprise, but they loved each other enough to stay together till one day my dad found my mum in bed with her boss and that was that. I went with my dad, he was the connection to my world. I loved them both but I loved my dad more.
When I turned eleven, I went off to Hogwarts.
Sometimes, I would get sad at Hogwarts but for a long time I thought the whole thing had gone away and that it was all just a bad dream.
Until my sixth year.
My best friend died during the summer. She was coming out of the Leaky Cauldron into Muggle London and she got hit by a car. They doctors said she didn't suffer and that it happened very quickly. I wasn't sure on how I felt. My dad would ask me if I was okay. He would stand at my door at night listening for the sobbing sounds he thought would come. Honestly so did I.
Throughout the two weeks that I had at home after that I stayed in my room. Dad's house elf brought me food and I had a bathroom attached. The house was big enough so I wasn't disturbed by the Dad's quidditch team coming over after matches, or when Mum came over at yelled at Dad about me. They did that often.
September first came and went without me really noticing it. I got on the train and went off to Hogwarts. I took the carriage right at the front, first compartment that was right next to the driver. No one really like it up here. My other friends didn't bother to find me. They wouldn't understand. No one understood. Except Sophie.
Sophie knew about everything, I had told her everything. But she was gone, there was not much she could do about it now.
Right after winter break the pain got really bad. Right after winter break I took a pair scissors to my wrist and dug them into my skin. That was the first time in six months that I cried. It was the middle night, I had broken into the prefect bathroom on one of my wonderings. I hadn't planned it but someone had left them there.
The blade pieced my skin, blood dripped around my wrist making a small pool on the floor. I was totally unprepared for the amount of blood that came out. I held my right hand over the left wrist, applying pressure to the broken skin. My knees dropped to the floor and my eyes closed.
The pain felt good, it felt needed.
After that, every time I felt it was necessary, in the middle of the night I would sneak off to the prefect bathroom and slice my wrist. Sometime it was my inner thigh but mostly it was my wrist. I wore jumpers to cover the scars, no one noticed me so no one noticed them. I sat with my old group of friends and pretended to laugh and smile when they really had no idea. They never noticed that I always kept my jumper on, or that I wore long sleeve t-shirts and they certainly never noticed me sneaking out to the bathroom.
I got away with it, up until the night before exams. I was anxious, nervous about the exams. So I decided that it was needed, I needed to calm down and that calmed me.
I felt off that night, like something was going to go wrong and I should turn around and deal with the anxiety myself, a different way but I had forgotten that there even was different way of handling it. It had been so long.
I kept going on the familiar path to the bathroom.
That night was worse than others. The blood gushed down my leg, I went deeper than normal. I hadn't really cried since that first night. That night I cried harder than ever trying to slow the blood rushing out.
I barely heard the door open. There was a small gasp before stronger hands replaced mine on my inner thigh, applying more pressure to stop the blood. I didn't look up at the person that caught me. I knew it had to be a guy though. His hands left my leg for mere seconds before it returned with a towel. He wrapped my leg tightly before placing a finger under my chin and lifting my head so our eyes meet.
James Potter was kneeling beside, concern and worry written all over his face. He was mumbling something I couldn't understand. I closed my eyes, letting his hands work on healing my cut. I heard a muttered incantation and felt relief from the pain. He left again before my eyes opened.
The next morning I could practically feel his eyes burning a hole in the side of my head. I was hoping he would just forget that anything had ever happened.
"James Potter is staring at you," Karlie told me. I already knew this. I shrugged before grabbing my books and heading up stairs. No exams today meant a day in bed studying, or sleeping. Something that would keep my mind either busy or empty.
I mildly reacted to the footsteps that had sprung up behind me on my way back to the tower. It would be James Potter, probably wanting me to stop and tell him to not say anything beg him to keep his mouth shut but Neville already knew. He had seen the slits on my wrists ages ago and he talked to me but I said that I was done, once but never again. I lied.
The next night I decided to go in the early hours of the morning, trying to avoid any meeting with anyone. James Potter was sitting just inside the door surrounded by his school books.
"I knew you would come back here." He pushed the books off his lap, I stared down at him.
Why was he here?! This was my time, he is not allowed to ruin this for me. I need the pain to help me calm down.
"There are other ways to help you. I know you probably don't think so but there is." I stared for a few more seconds before turning on my heel and walking out of the room. I would just have to skip tonight and go tomorrow. I would most defiantly have to come back tomorrow. I need to.
Night after night, when I tried to relieve the pain with more, James Potter was found sitting by the door. He sprouted some shit about how it doesn't need to be this way before I turned around and walked back to my room. The night before summer began I decided that the prefect bathroom wasn't worth it, I need relief from the pain and coming face to face with James Potter every night was not helping me.
So I opted for the astronomy tower, it was warmish and I enjoyed the view. For an hour I sat on the edge, my legs dangling dangerously before taking out my scissors and conjuring a towel. The cold blade of the sharpened edge pressed harder into my skin before breaking the surface and drawing blood.
Before I could get any deep, I heard someone downstairs. I quickly vanished the towel and the scissors, mending the cut with my wand. I instantly wish that I didn't. The pain subsided immediately and I closed my eyes, hoping that it was just a love sick couple. I was mistaken. It was James Potter.
"How the hell did you find me?" I asked him. The first words I had said to him through all this.
"I have a map." He simply stated.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because I care about you."
"You don't even know me."
"I do, I do know you. I know that you miss Sophie and that her death was what made you do this. I know that you miss your parents being together because you miss them being able to be in the same room as each other. I know that you put on this fake ass smile and laugh when you're around those girls because you don't want them to notice anything has changed in you. I know you have all these messed up ideas about what love means, and that you won't ever trust anyone else besides Sophie." James took a deep breath
"I know that you can't concentrate if it's dead silent, it's why you whisper to yourself in exams. It's also why you always choose to sit at the back of the class. I know that you adore toast but hate jam, that you never drink juice in the mornings. You've never noticed me but Sophie did, she noticed that in the mornings I would watch the way you acted, in class when I got to sit next to you she noticed the smile that was always on my face." I racked my brains trying to go back through my memories of the last years.
He was right. James was always there, in the background, at the parties that Sophie's parents' would hold. He was always there. Memories flashed in my mind like a movie reel. Conversations James and I had had. Watching him and his cousins playing quidditch with Sophie who was a bit keen on Freddy.
"I…I…" The words were caught in my throat. I'd had known him my whole life but I had never really looked.
"I know you miss her, Annie. I do too, so does Freddy and everyone that knew her but you cannot do this to yourself because you're hurting. She wouldn't want this for you." He grabbed my wrists, his thumb lightly brushing over the scar from the first time I tried it.
"How long have you known?" I whispered, my brain still trying to comprehend the words he had said.
"Longer then you think. You started after winter break, that's when you stopped taking you jumper off, even when it was hot in Herbology, you kept it on. I thought it was odd." He told me still holding onto my wrists.
"When did you…how did you…?" My words weren't forming together.
"In potions the week after I noticed in Herbology, you reached for something and I saw one of the lower scars on your thigh." A blush crept onto his face at admitting he was looking that way.
The sides of my mouth lifted slightly and I raised my eyes to meet his, "Checking me out then are we?" He chuckled. I like his laugh; it was so honest and real. I looked down at my hands, still clamped together in his, covered in blood.
For the first time in months I saw exactly what I was doing. Staring at the blood I felt the tears spill over and before I knew it I was cradled into James chest. He was always there.
Sometimes I get sad, but James is there when I do and that's good enough for now.
HELLO! So a new one-shot, I would really like to know what you think because this really came out of a deep place in my heart. This type of subject is a bit too close for comfort but I really like this little piece.
I would really like to know what you thought of this and whether you would like to hear more about the mysterious Annie because I guess this could turn into something.
As always, REVIEW and let me know!
xoxo